text37079;"""Niko-kun…""" text37080;"""Someone was calling me, sounding as if from another world.""" text37081;"""Niko-kun…""" text37082;"""The voice grew louder, more confident.""" text37083;"""Niko-kun, you need to get up… You said you should…""" text37084;"""Said? What did I say?""" text37085;"""Niko-kun…""" text37086;"""I strained and managed to open my eyes, only to see Himitsu sitting on my bed.""" text37087;"""What's… the time?""" text37088;"""Late enough to not get to school in time.""" text37089;"""She looked to be in a sullen mood and wasn't even trying to hide it.""" text37090;"""I felt a bit better than yesterday, even though I had just woken up.""" text37091;"""Good morning.""" text37092;"""Still, I found it really hard to stand up from my bed.""" text37093;"""Himitsu remained seated, her head down.""" text37094;"""Yesterday I decided I to stop lying to her, at least when it came to important things.""" text37095;"""But last night's talk with Ichinose had posed even more questions.""" text37096;"""Even if I hadn't found out about this Project and the Kobayashi Corporation's dark dealings, I would've still been in danger.""" text37097;"""But the involvement of Catherine's mother radically altered the situation.""" text37098;"""Perhaps Katya herself was in on it…?""" text37099;"""Do you want breakfast?""" text37100;"""Himitsu asked.""" text37101;"""Yes, thank you.""" text37102;"""…""" text37103;"""Naturally, some awkwardness and even tension remained between us after yesterday.""" text37104;"""Himitsu was cooking up something in the kitchen, while I was showering, pouring as much cold water over myself as possible.""" text37105;"""Ichinose-san had said that it'd make the most sense for me to return to the USSR.""" text37106;"""After all, I still had some relatives there, even if I hadn't spoken to them in a long while.""" text37107;"""But if the KGB found me in Japan, they would absolutely be able to reach me in the Union!""" text37108;"""Plus I couldn't simply abandon everything here!""" text37109;"""But would living in fear, in endless anticipation of calamity, be any better?""" text37110;"""For the first time ever, I had a clear realization that there was someone to blame for my parents' death.""" text37111;"""Some very specific people with names and surnames, positions and bank accounts, maybe even families and children of their own.""" text37112;"""I could no longer think that it was just an unfortunate accident, no!""" text37113;"""It had been meticulously planned, and those responsible had to suffer retribution!""" text37114;"""Except I wasn't sure I could deliver it alone.""" text37115;"""The breakfast turned out to be quite meagre — not at all Himitsu's style.""" text37116;"""I was eating, staring at my plate, and she was silently looking at me.""" text37117;"""What?!""" text37118;"""I asked, unable to bear her silent stare anymore.""" text37119;"""Nothing, I'm just looking.""" text37120;"""Yeah, right!""" text37121;"""Niko-kun, what are you going to do next?""" text37122;"""I found it weird that she said you, not we.""" text37123;"""It even made me a bit upset.""" text37124;"""Soon as I finish, we go to school.""" text37125;"""You know what I'm talking about.""" text37126;"""I put the chopsticks aside and sighed.""" text37127;"""We already discussed this yesterday! We'll keep our heads down and attract no attention.""" text37128;"""Do you think this is going to end that easily?""" text37129;"""I don't know, I don't have much control over it.""" text37130;"""Relying on blind chance again?""" text37131;"""What else do you propose we do? If you have any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them!""" text37132;"""Once again I was getting worked up and venting my frustration on Himitsu.""" text37133;"""It was a foul thing to do, especially after everything that'd happened between us lately.""" text37134;"""Sorry… I really didn't mean to say it like that.""" text37135;"""It's not the words that matter.""" text37136;"""Then what?""" text37137;"""I forced out a smile, but she didn't react.""" text37138;"""I thought about it the whole night. We need to talk to someone, ask for help!""" text37139;"""Perhaps she was right.""" text37140;"""But for some reason, I still saw the Japanese police force as more or less Kenpeitai.""" text37141;"""It was obvious to me that they would first and foremost defend the interests of their Corporation, not some gaijin's.""" text37142;"""For a capitalist country like Japan, in this particular case, the interests of Kobayashi Corporation were pretty much the interests of the nation itself.""" text37143;"""Not to mention that Soviet intelligence was involved in this too. Soviet intelligence that had contacted me directly.""" text37144;"""I doubted the police would spend much effort figuring things out before taking me in as a spy.""" text37145;"""If only it were that simple… I'm not Japanese, understand?! I've talked to the KGB. What would you think in the shoes of the people you want me to talk to?""" text37146;"""But you didn't do anything wrong!""" text37147;"""What's \""wrong\"" and who's \""guilty\"" here depend on your point of view. In Kobayashi Corporation's case, I'm guilty of having the information they believe I have.""" text37148;"""To the Russians, I'm guilty of living in Japan in the first place and not working for them.""" text37149;"""Well, and to the Japanese… I'm probably guilty of the same thing as my parents. The same thing that cost them their lives.""" text37150;"""Niko-kun, sorry…""" text37151;"""Are you apologizing for Kobayashi Corporation or Japan in general?""" text37152;"""No, but… they…""" text37153;"""Who are they? And what would we accuse them of? Them who?""" text37154;"""They have neither a name nor a face, and the individual people who carry out orders are just pawns. They're easily replaceable and can always be written off if one screws up.""" text37155;"""Himitsu grew even sadder.""" text37156;"""Niko-kun, I'm scared.""" text37157;"""Me too…""" text37158;"""Had I always been so prone to fatalism?""" text37159;"""After finishing breakfast, we sat there for quite a while, each occupied by their own thoughts. Or perhaps the same thoughts.""" text37160;"""Well, let's go? Or we'll really be late.""" text37161;"""Himitsu just nodded, stood up from the table, and left for the hallway without clearing away the dishes.""" text37162;"""…""" text37163;"""As usual, Tokyo didn't care one bit about the problems of its inhabitants — in general or in particular.""" text37164;"""Just a couple days ago it had seemed to me that we were about to get a proper autumn — with rains, cold wind, and chilly air.""" text37165;"""But for some reason, today was warm and sunny just like in summer.""" text37166;"""The weather mocked me, making it clear that my problems didn't concern it one bit.""" text37167;"""You can't just do that!""" text37168;"""I exclaimed, not addressing anyone in particular.""" text37169;"""Except maybe the clear blue sky.""" text37170;"""Niko-kun?""" text37171;"""Himitsu stopped and looked into my eyes agitatedly.""" text37172;"""Listen, how about we try to live like normal after all?""" text37173;"""I said unexpectedly, even to myself.""" text37174;"""Constantly stewing in our anxiety, waiting for something bad to happen… We just can't live like that!""" text37175;"""The worst that's happened so far was my conversation with that KGB woman. Not the most pleasant moment of my life, but it wasn't fatal either!""" text37176;"""What about the note?""" text37177;"""God, her and that note! I shouldn't have told Himitsu about it in the first place.""" text37178;"""Yeah, and the note…""" text37179;"""Just imagine we don't know anything about any of it. That was the case just a week ago!""" text37180;"""I wasn't sure who I was trying to calm down, her or myself.""" text37181;"""For the first time today, Himitsu smiled.""" text37182;"""Alright, I'll do my best.""" text37183;"""That's the spirit!""" text37184;"""I grinned.""" text37185;"""Now we run!""" text37186;"""I grabbed her by the hand and rushed to school.""" text37187;"""Niko-kun!""" text37188;"""It was hard to say if I had convinced Himitsu, but I certainly hadn't convinced myself.""" text37189;"""The first lesson had already started, but Catherine was yet to show up.""" text37190;"""I guess I still found it hard to believe that she was connected to the deaths of my parents.""" text37191;"""Maybe Katya was also a victim in a sense?""" text37192;"""The only way to figure that out was to talk to her directly.""" text37193;"""I could probably even tell her about my conversation with Ichinose (without naming names, of course).""" text37194;"""But to do that, I had to find her…""" text37195;"""Kyosuke approached me during the break.""" text37196;"""Listen, Nick…""" text37197;"""He began hesitantly.""" text37198;"""I understand this isn't the best time, and you've probably got other stuff on your mind, but I wanted to ask you about something.""" text37199;"""Go ahead.""" text37200;"""A conversation with Kyosuke would be fun at least.""" text37201;"""Himitsu-chan has a friend… Suzuhara…""" text37202;"""For some reason, he blushed, his eyes darting around the classroom as if looking for support.""" text37203;"""Who?""" text37204;"""Well, you know!""" text37205;"""Kyosuke leaned to me and whispered:""" text37206;"""Saya-chan!""" text37207;"""Oh, she's got a surname too?""" text37208;"""I sniffed.""" text37209;"""Stop teasing, Nick! It's a matter of life and death!""" text37210;"""Wait, let me guess! You want me to introduce you?""" text37211;"""I was barely holding back laughter.""" text37212;"""To be honest, I don't think she's your best choice. Try our biology teacher. She's only, what, 70?""" text37213;"""I don't want anything… like that!""" text37214;"""Then why're you asking?""" text37215;"""Because…""" text37216;"""Kyosuke seemed to get mad and hissed:""" text37217;"""And you call yourself a friend!""" text37218;"""Oh come on!""" text37219;"""I smiled in good nature and asked:""" text37220;"""Still, how did she manage to catch your eye? She seems to be as far from your 2D goddesses as they come!""" text37221;"""Plus I've talked to her a couple of times and think you should know that even Iwamura is more cordial.""" text37222;"""By the way, Kagome wasn't in class.""" text37223;"""Previously I hadn't paid attention to her at all, but for a class rep, she seemed to be skipping a lot.""" text37224;"""No, really, what do you see in her?""" text37225;"""Are you going to keep making fun of me?""" text37226;"""You started it.""" text37227;"""Although maybe Kyosuke thought Saya was his only option?""" text37228;"""In that case, my words must've stung even more.""" text37229;"""For many years now he'd seen Himitsu follow me around like a pet (God forgive me!), pretty much pampering me.""" text37230;"""Kyosuke never gave me any reason to believe he was envious, but in a way, it was obvious.""" text37231;"""Any lonely guy would feel the same in his place.""" text37232;"""Easy for you to say, you've got Himitsu-chan, Catherine-san…""" text37233;"""He shouldn't have brought Catherine into this.""" text37234;"""Who do you think I am?""" text37235;"""I said coldly.""" text37236;"""What does Catherine have to do with it? Or do you think we should be in a relationship by default because we used to be?""" text37237;"""Exactly, used to! It doesn't give you the right to laugh at…""" text37238;"""He fell silent and screwed up his face.""" text37239;"""Whatever, forget it.""" text37240;"""Maybe you and Saya would make a good pair.""" text37241;"""I turned away from Kyosuke. With a heavy sigh and his head low, he returned to his desk.""" text37242;"""Telling Himitsu about this conversation would most likely be a bad idea…""" text37243;"""Although I definitely could've been more polite.""" text37244;"""What do the others think, I wondered.""" text37245;"""Kyosuke wasn't the only one who knew we used to be together.""" text37246;"""They simply weren't letting me forget about it!""" text37247;"""And now was the worst moment for it!""" text37248;"""I had more important problems!""" text37249;"""However, the tugging feeling of longing captured me whole with renewed strength.""" text37250;"""Unfortunately, human emotions work separately from logic. Often even in spite of it.""" text37251;"""They work when you need them least.""" text37252;"""How could I talk to Catherine when the only thing I was capable of thinking about was my broken heart?""" text37253;"""It was like trying to eat a kilo of oranges with a citrus allergy!""" text37254;"""Katya didn't come to the second lesson either.""" text37255;"""Yesterday she had been picked up by a car, and today didn't show up in school at all?""" text37256;"""I was worried about her and couldn't do anything about it.""" text37257;"""The more I thought about everything that had happened, the more worried I got.""" text37258;"""It was all the same as then — a year and a half ago""" text37259;"""At first, I had simply been shocked, broken and crushed by her actions. But then came the anger.""" text37260;"""I blamed Catherine, even hated her…""" text37261;"""But soon enough, as is typical for me, started to look for reasons in myself.""" text37262;"""No, not like that! I wasn't looking for reasons or trying to calmly analyze the situation — I was simply blaming myself!""" text37263;"""And now, too, the more I thought the more I blamed myself specifically…""" text37264;"""In the end, I couldn't bear it any longer and fled home after my second class.""" text37265;"""…""" text37266;"""I walked the streets at a measured pace, unable to calm down.""" text37267;"""As if dragging an incredibly heavy cart of feelings and worries behind me.""" text37268;"""I was most likely just afraid of what I could learn.""" text37269;"""Best case scenario, she left for the States. Worst case…""" text37270;"""…""" text37271;"""The dial tone in the receiver grated my ear, but no one was answering.""" text37272;"""Why did I even think she'd be home?""" text37273;"""Maybe she was simply taking a walk, or sitting in a café, or…""" text37274;"""AHHH, damn it!""" text37275;"""I dialled the number I knew by heart again and again. Again and again.""" text37276;"""But unalterably, the only response I got was the calm, emotionless dial tone.""" text37277;"""What if she simply didn't want to pick up? That was totally possible!""" text37278;"""Then I had to go to her! Immediately, now!""" text37279;"""I quickly slipped on my sneakers and froze. What about my surveillance?""" text37280;"""They most likely knew much more about the Winters family than I did, but wouldn't my feverish floundering arouse fresh suspicion?""" text37281;"""On the other hand, what, I couldn't just visit a classmate?!""" text37282;"""Stay home""" text37283;"""Go to Catherine""" text37284;"""…""" text37285;"""I was attacked by a strange apathy.""" text37286;"""I had no strength to move or make any decisions.""" text37287;"""Any action seemed pointless: looking for Catherine, going to her place…""" text37288;"""Things would either work themselves out or they wouldn't.""" text37289;"""I was sitting in a stupor for a good half an hour before someone rang the door.""" text37290;"""Maybe it was Katya? What if she came to me?!""" text37291;"""I excitedly rushed to open it.""" text37292;"""It was just Himitsu at my doorstep, and all of my excitement immediately evaporated.""" text37293;"""What are you ringing for?""" text37294;"""I asked gloomily.""" text37295;"""I don't know…""" text37296;"""She seemed agitated.""" text37297;"""So why are you here?""" text37298;"""Niko-kun…""" text37299;"""I mean, why aren't you at school?""" text37300;"""I saw you leave and, so… I was worried!""" text37301;"""Alright, let's go inside.""" text37302;"""…""" text37303;"""We walked to my room. Himitsu sat down on the bed not too far from me and asked:""" text37304;"""Did something happen? Why did you leave school? You said yourself we should act normal!""" text37305;"""Are you saying skipping school isn't normal for me?""" text37306;"""I smirked.""" text37307;"""Niko-kun, you know what I mean.""" text37308;"""Of course I knew, God damn it!""" text37309;"""But I couldn't exactly tell Himitsu that I had spent the entire day thinking about Catherine and went home to call her!""" text37310;"""Not when we had seemingly just made up!""" text37311;"""I had a panic attack…""" text37312;"""I finally came up with an answer.""" text37313;"""Wanted to be away from other people, in a familiar place.""" text37314;"""And here I was, lying to her again! Even if it was for her own good (as I saw it).""" text37315;"""And how are you feeling now?""" text37316;"""Judging by her face, she believed me.""" text37317;"""Perhaps Himitsu simply couldn't imagine I would lie about this? It was about my health, after all!""" text37318;"""Better, thank you.""" text37319;"""Should I bring you something?""" text37320;"""If you happen upon some whiskey…""" text37321;"""Niko-kun, I'm serious!""" text37322;"""Everything's fine. I just needed to calm down.""" text37323;"""I approached and sat down next to her.""" text37324;"""I hope they won't punish you for skipping? They could call your home you know! Calling mine doesn't exactly do much.""" text37325;"""I asked to leave, said I had a stomachache.""" text37326;"""You've got it nice…""" text37327;"""You'd have it nice too if you thought about your future even a little!""" text37328;"""She finally smiled.""" text37329;"""Well, that's kind of the only thing I've been thinking about lately.""" text37330;"""Himitsu gave me a questioning look.""" text37331;"""About whether I'll have one at all…""" text37332;"""She covered my hand with hers and leaned her head against my shoulder.""" text37333;"""Everything will be alright.""" text37334;"""And to think that just a minute ago my mind was fully occupied by Catherine…""" text37335;"""That would mean I was cheating on her with Himitsu. Or Himitsu with her. Mentally.""" text37337;"""I suddenly grew scared, as if seized by a real panic attack.""" text37338;"""I carefully stood up from the bed and walked across the room.""" text37339;"""If I learn something new, I'll tell you right away!""" text37340;"""Alright.""" text37341;"""She said seriously.""" text37342;"""Should we eat?""" text37343;"""Isn't it too early?""" text37344;"""Aren't you hungry?""" text37345;"""Not really… Maybe later.""" text37346;"""The only thing I wanted at the moment was to be alone with myself.""" text37347;"""Himitsu kept silent for a while, then said:""" text37348;"""Niko-kun, you're withdrawing into yourself and hiding something. Do you think that will make everything better? Do you think it'll do you any good?""" text37349;"""I'm not withdrawing anywhere…""" text37350;"""Although, after a glance into her sad eyes, I couldn't keep lying.""" text37351;"""Fine, I am! But I need to! At least for now. Please, just understand and don't argue!""" text37352;"""I can't understand what you're doing to yourself!""" text37353;"""What am I doing to myself?""" text37354;"""All… this…""" text37355;"""She responded uncertainly, pursed her lips, and turned away.""" text37356;"""Then I don't understand what you don't understand!""" text37357;"""Katty-chan, the alcohol, the depression! You're slowly killing yourself!""" text37358;"""She looked at me with a plea in her eyes.""" text37359;"""If not for yourself, then at least for me…""" text37360;"""She added in a whisper.""" text37361;"""I didn't know how to respond.""" text37362;"""Of course, she was right, there wasn't even any point in arguing!""" text37363;"""My constant fights with Himitsu, what were they all for? What was I trying to achieve, what was I trying to prove and to who?""" text37364;"""I simply found it hard to acknowledge my own wrongs, hard to decide on a specific course of action, hard to make a choice.""" text37365;"""But if only I was the only one suffering for it!""" text37366;"""I understand, I do, but now just isn't a good time!""" text37367;"""I need to deal with this all myself, otherwise…""" text37368;"""It's so we can move on with our lives!""" text37369;"""You say we… But where is us? Has it ever existed?!""" text37370;"""Himitsu wrang her hands in pain and looked ready to burst into tears.""" text37371;"""I don't want to continue this meaningless argument. Because…""" text37372;"""Because I've said everything there is to say!""" text37373;"""Despite everything, I still behaved like a complete asshole.""" text37374;"""To agree with her now was to give up everything familiar, give up Catherine!""" text37375;"""But I still wouldn't be able keep my feet in both worlds.""" text37376;"""When I figure it all out…""" text37377;"""I felt myself lacking air.""" text37378;"""When I figure it all out…""" text37379;"""Then what? What'll happen? Will everything return to normal?""" text37380;"""Was I ready to promise her that, or would it be a lie, a false hope that would end up finally breaking Himitsu?""" text37381;"""I'll figure it all out. For now, I need to be alone to think.""" text37382;"""Then I'll go.""" text37383;"""She said hollowly.""" text37384;"""It seemed that wasn't how Himitsu had wanted this conversation to end.""" text37385;"""No… I'll go. I want to get some fresh air.""" text37386;"""As fresh as it could be in Tokyo.""" text37387;"""I'll be waiting.""" text37388;"""That's not necessary….""" text37389;"""Maybe, but I will!""" text37390;"""She tried to pretend everything was fine, everything was normal…""" text37391;"""I felt even more ashamed, but I really couldn't keep lying to both of them!""" text37392;"""…""" text37393;"""I probably shouldn't have had this conversation! I should've gone to Catherine right away!""" text37394;"""About an hour later, I appeared near her house — I wasn't even sure it was intentional, it felt like I was on autopilot.""" text37395;"""But I had to do what I had to do!""" text37396;"""Himitsu probably wouldn't be happy if she knew I was here, at the entrance to Catherine's house.""" text37397;"""I pressed the intercom button.""" text37398;"""I had to do it twice more before getting a response.""" text37399;"""Who is it?""" text37400;"""It's me… We need to talk.""" text37401;"""There was an unmistakeable, heavy sigh from the other end of the line, but the door did open.""" text37402;"""Going up in the elevator, I had no expectation of this ending well.""" text37403;"""Sure, I could've prepared in advance, but that wasn't like me at all!""" text37404;"""Hello.""" text37405;"""Katya greeted me coldly and let me into the apartment.""" text37406;"""Are you okay?""" text37407;"""Does it look like I'm not?""" text37408;"""No, you just haven't been to school today.""" text37409;"""You're perceptive.""" text37410;"""We're in the same class.""" text37411;"""I frowned.""" text37412;"""If that was sarcasm, it was artless, not like Catherine at all.""" text37413;"""Oh yes, we are. How unfortunate.""" text37414;"""She said phlegmatically.""" text37415;"""Now that was better!""" text37416;"""To what do I owe the pleasure?""" text37417;"""We need to talk!""" text37418;"""After these words, I realized that I knew what to say and how to say it!""" text37419;"""Thanks for the note. It cost me a few sleepless nights and a bunch of nerves!""" text37420;"""What are you talking about?""" text37421;"""Catherine tried to look disinterested, but I quickly noticed that something about her changed.""" text37422;"""You know what I'm talking about. By the way, thank you for inviting me into your home.""" text37423;"""I also wanted to ask, where did that notebook on your desk come from? The one with someone else's handwriting.""" text37424;"""Katya walked to the window, jerked aside the curtain, and looked out onto the street.""" text37425;"""She stayed silent for quite a while, and I internally celebrated, confident I'd driven her into a corner.""" text37426;"""Finally she'd have to tell the truth!""" text37427;"""Borrowed it from a classmate to copy their work.""" text37428;"""Catherine finally said in a calm voice, turning to me.""" text37429;"""There was no surprise in her eyes, no fear, worry, or dread.""" text37430;"""Only the same weariness and a light flair of arrogance.""" text37431;"""Aren't you quick.""" text37432;"""She smirked.""" text37433;"""What…? But…""" text37434;"""So you aren't trying to hide that you wrote that note?""" text37435;"""I wasn't exactly going to shout it from the rooftops, but what's there to hide? Everything seems fairly obvious to me.""" text37436;"""To you?""" text37437;"""I'm even surprised you've only decided to talk about it now.""" text37438;"""Is this a joke or something? The fuck is this?! How was I supposed to guess?! And even if…""" text37439;"""I made an effort to keep myself from completely flying off the handle.""" text37440;"""Why didn't you just tell me? You could've simply talked to me!""" text37441;"""Everything is simple to you!""" text37442;"""Cathrine folded her arms over her chest and went silent.""" text37443;"""What are you trying to achieve?""" text37444;"""You did read the note…""" text37445;"""Emotions finally prevailed, and Katya winced.""" text37446;"""Maybe you wouldn't have guessed. It took you a while.""" text37447;"""Katya, this isn't a game!""" text37448;"""Stop…""" text37449;"""She was about to flare up, but then didn't.""" text37450;"""What do you know?""" text37451;"""Catherine spent some time deciding how to answer.""" text37452;"""Not that much.""" text37453;"""When we returned to Japan, on the very first day, I overheard my mother talking on the phone. She was having a conversation with someone about you and your parents.""" text37454;"""And the conversation was heated. It seemed to me like mom was threatened…""" text37455;"""And you didn't tell me anything about it? Just left a note? A note, Katya? A fucking note with a bunch of mistakes?!""" text37456;"""Stop yelling at me!""" text37457;"""I laughed in exhaustion.""" text37458;"""But now I was sure that Ichinose had been talking about Mrs Winters yesterday.""" text37459;"""And you're not at all surprised that you came back to Japan when all this began?""" text37460;"""\""This\"" what?""" text37461;"""I ignored her question — maybe Catherine really wasn't aware of everything that'd been happening to me life lately.""" text37462;"""Not surprised that your mother would talk with someone about my parents who — do keep in mind! — have been dead for a year and a half now?!""" text37463;"""What was I supposed to do?""" text37464;"""I talked to mom. She said not to get involved, that it's none of my business.""" text37465;"""You know, I even agree with her — It's not your business… It's my business.""" text37466;"""Most surprisingly, I wasn't angry with her at all. I was sure Catherine was speaking the truth.""" text37467;"""The note thing? All in all, it was quite like her.""" text37468;"""But I still wanted to stand my ground to the end.""" text37469;"""Why should I believe you now?""" text37470;"""Have I lied to you?""" text37471;"""In her eyes I could see a plea and unexpected meekness.""" text37472;"""I stumbled and continued, quieter.""" text37473;"""Don't try to deflect… Hiding things from me or deceiving me, what's the difference? Someone may very well want to kill me!""" text37474;"""Katya stood with her back against the wall, her head lowered.""" text37475;"""Can you tell me what exactly that conversation was about? In as much detail as possible.""" text37476;"""I only heard what mom said. \""What does it have to do with his parents, they're long dead\"". \""Why should we do it?\"". \""If you're that interested, work on him yourself\"".""" text37477;"""Your mom's got one hell of a job. What did you say she was, a diplomat?""" text37478;"""Nick, that's all I know, I swear!""" text37479;"""It seemed like that was the first time she'd called me by my name since her return.""" text37480;"""So what am I supposed to do now? Maybe we should go to your mother together?""" text37481;"""No!""" text37482;"""She immediately grew more agitated.""" text37483;"""Why do you think she's to blame? What if she's also in danger?""" text37484;"""The thought hadn't crossed my mind.""" text37485;"""Not that it had any reason to.""" text37486;"""Plus, I did know Mrs Winters after all — she absolutely did not give the impression of a person who would be easily intimidated.""" text37487;"""So what do you actually know about your mother's work?""" text37488;"""I can't tell you anything you don't already know. Even if she's connected to something…""" text37489;"""Catherine stopped, clearly choosing her words carefully.""" text37490;"""… like that, I don't know anything about it. All I can tell you for sure is that she works at the embassy.""" text37491;"""I see…""" text37492;"""Then came a long, painful silence.""" text37493;"""Maybe you'd like some tea?""" text37494;"""She asked in a tone that made me think of Himitsu.""" text37495;"""Tea?""" text37496;"""I laughed.""" text37497;"""You think this is the right time for tea? It's not even five o'clock!""" text37498;"""Katya smiled.""" text37499;"""Aside from the whole spy business, for a moment our relationship almost returned to normal.""" text37500;"""I no longer felt like a second-class citizen, and Catherine had dropped her disgusting arrogance.""" text37501;"""It wasn't in my character to be led around, much less put up with this sort of attitude!""" text37502;"""However, the change appeared to be too sudden — we simply didn't know what to talk about next.""" text37503;"""By the way…""" text37504;"""I finally found something.""" text37505;"""Did a car pick you up from school yesterday?""" text37506;"""Yeah.""" text37507;"""What gives?""" text37508;"""They gave mom a personal driver.""" text37509;"""So you're using a diplomatic vehicle for personal gain?""" text37510;"""What else am I supposed to do? If I've been brought to this country by force again, I should at least indulge myself!""" text37511;"""Aren't you an opportunist, Ms Winters!""" text37512;"""Katya laughed, and her laugh even sounded genuine.""" text37513;"""Are you going to school tomorrow?""" text37514;"""The smile immediately disappeared from her face.""" text37515;"""Nick, do you think we shouldn't have met at all?""" text37516;"""Maybe then my mother's phone call wouldn't have happened either?""" text37517;"""That's not what it's about at all…""" text37518;"""Who knows…""" text37519;"""After all, life is a series of coincidences.""" text37520;"""I gave Katya a long look, trying to figure out what she was implying, but her face remained unreadable.""" text37521;"""So I'll see you tomorrow?""" text37522;"""Perhaps.""" text37523;"""She answered ambiguously and went to the hallway to see me off.""" text37524;"""\""We shouldn't have met at all\""…""" text37525;"""What was she talking about?""" text37526;"""I knew the meaning of the words themselves but I couldn't understand what Catherine meant by them!""" text37527;"""Was it just an idle remark that our lives could've gone differently?""" text37528;"""A guess that without her my life would've been easier?""" text37529;"""A statement that she regrets that we met?""" text37530;"""I was aimlessly wandering the central part of Tokyo and couldn't think about anything else.""" text37531;"""The situation with the KGB and Kobayashi Corporation was seemingly more important right now, and so were that damned note and Catherine's mother.""" text37532;"""But over and over, the words \""we shouldn't have met at all\"" repeated in my head!""" text37533;"""I guess I just couldn't entirely believe that Katya really didn't want anything to do with me anymore…""" text37534;"""Night was slowly descending upon the city.""" text37535;"""It was time to admit that Catherine had become a thing-in-itself for me, a person I perceived separately from the rest of the world, separately even from the real her.""" text37536;"""I was, of course, talking about the vision of Catherine that had formed in my inflamed mind.""" text37537;"""How many times in the past year and a half had I argued with it, begged it, hated it, worshipped it?!""" text37538;"""That was exactly why I was finding it so hard to admit to myself that Katya was just a human being.""" text37539;"""With her own problems and flaws, fears and aspirations, sympathies and antipathies.""" text37540;"""Or, to put it in a few words, she wasn't just black and white, wasn't Hegel's Absolute.""" text37541;"""Otherwise, there wouldn't have been a note, wouldn't even have been a conversation between us!""" text37542;"""However, my feelings towards Catherine weren't my only problem at the moment.""" text37543;"""For an hour I'd been feeling like I was being watched.""" text37544;"""Sure, I had to expect that, had to be ready for it, but…""" text37545;"""I would at least like to know who exactly was watching! The Russians, the Japanese, maybe even the Americans?""" text37546;"""I picked up my pace and headed home.""" text37547;"""…""" text37548;"""As she had promised, Himitsu was waiting for me inside.""" text37549;"""Himitsu was waiting for me inside.""" text37550;"""Some brew of unspecified composition stood atop the stove, while she herself was sitting at the table, reading a book.""" text37551;"""Niko-kun! What took you so long?""" text37552;"""Kind of worked out this way…""" text37553;"""Where have you been?""" text37554;"""Surprisingly, I was glad to return to these questions, glad to come back home, to this dysfunctional form of family.""" text37555;"""I was probably just too tired today and wanted some peace and stability.""" text37556;"""And there was nothing more stable than Himitsu in my life.""" text37557;"""I was just walking… Thinking.""" text37558;"""But if I told her about my conversation with Catherine, that wouldn't make things any more stable!""" text37559;"""Even though I had decided not to lie to Himitsu anymore. Just for today…""" text37560;"""Sometimes it helps, you know.""" text37561;"""It would help you more to talk to people more often.""" text37562;"""I do!""" text37563;"""Do you? To who?""" text37564;"""I talk to you…""" text37565;"""That wasn't a very convincing statement.""" text37566;"""To Kyosuke, To Michael! To…""" text37567;"""To Catherine?""" text37568;"""I lowered my head apologetically and sat across from her.""" text37569;"""…to teachers at school.""" text37570;"""Luckily, Himitsu didn't react in any way and started to set the table.""" text37571;"""…""" text37572;"""Everything turned out to be extraordinarily delicious. I was eating enthusiastically.""" text37573;"""Himitsu was looking at me with a smile on her face.""" text37574;"""Walked a lot, worked up an appetite!""" text37575;"""I said merrily.""" text37576;"""Well, finally some good news!""" text37577;"""What's good about it? Want me to get fat?""" text37578;"""At least not for the next ten to fifteen years!""" text37579;"""If I keep eating like this…""" text37580;"""Niko-kun!""" text37581;"""She laughed.""" text37582;"""…""" text37583;"""Tomorrow's already Wednesday…""" text37584;"""When we finished dinner, Himitsu brewed tea and laid out some candies on the table that seemed to have come out of nowhere.""" text37585;"""\""Polyot\"", \""Mischki v lesu\"", and some others. Soviet candies. Imported.""" text37586;"""Where did she even get them?""" text37587;"""A gust of cold wind came from the outside. She shivered, and I quickly closed the door.""" text37588;"""As the kitchen grew warmer, so did my heart — from the hot tea, the sweet chocolate, the soft light of the incandescent lamp, and Himitsu's dreamy eyes.""" text37589;"""It'd been a while since we had an evening like this — peaceful and kind.""" text37590;"""The people watching me would definitely leave this house alone at least for today, Catherine could wait until tomorrow, and my angst-wracked soul could finally get some rest.""" text37591;"""And all that would've been impossible without Himitsu!""" text37592;"""Not only did she create comfort around herself, not only did she bring peace and order to my life, but she also served as the pillar that supported it all.""" text37593;"""I could take her attitude, take everything she did for granted, but that didn't change anything — without Himitsu, my life would've been very different.""" text37594;"""How different exactly — that I did not want to think about right now.""" text37595;"""Where did you get the candies?""" text37596;"""Dad brought them from work.""" text37597;"""Your dad brought them… Where did he get them?""" text37598;"""I don't know. What does it matter? Are they tasty? Like in your childhood?""" text37599;"""To be honest, I didn't even vaguely remember the taste of those candies from my childhood, but I simply had no right to upset Himitsu.""" text37600;"""Of course! I mean they're the same candies, it's, well… Logical!""" text37601;"""I can tell when you're not telling the truth!""" text37602;"""Welp, that didn't work out!""" text37603;"""Come on, I don't remember what I ate for breakfast, and you're asking about something that happened ten years ago!""" text37604;"""Some things you remember for a lifetime.""" text37605;"""And for me, Soviet candies isn't one of them!""" text37606;"""If only I were you!""" text37607;"""What then? You'd write about it in your diary? Maybe you do?""" text37608;"""I teased.""" text37609;"""I bet you've got an entire section for candies in there!""" text37610;"""Maybe. What's bad about that?""" text37611;"""Nothing, nothing at all!""" text37612;"""I hemmed and threw another candy into my mouth.""" text37613;"""In fact, it's quite cute.""" text37614;"""You could do with writing some things down too!""" text37615;"""How do you know I don't? Maybe I've got a dossier on every single one of you!""" text37616;"""Dooo you? And what does it say about me?""" text37617;"""That you like candies and soon you'll be fat like a kolobok!""" text37618;"""Niko-kun!""" text37619;"""She tried to throw a candy wrapper at me, but halfway through its flight it entered an uncontrolled nosedive and crashed.""" text37620;"""It also says I'm very grateful to you for everything…""" text37621;"""And that I love you very much…""" text37622;"""I got too emotional and couldn't stop.""" text37623;"""Himitsu didn't respond, just looked at me with hopeful eyes.""" text37624;"""This oppressive silence covered us for a while.""" text37625;"""I was tense, on pins and needles — what was I supposed to say or do next?""" text37626;"""Suddenly, the unnaturally loud sound of a car horn came from the street.""" text37627;"""She jumped.""" text37628;"""It must be late by now!""" text37629;"""I quickly blurted out, afraid of what could happen between us next.""" text37630;"""Yes…""" text37631;"""Himitsu said, upset.""" text37632;"""Till tomorrow, then?""" text37633;"""Till tomorrow.""" text37634;"""I didn't even have to clarify what would happen tomorrow — she would come and wake me up.""" text37635;"""Like every other day.""" text37636;"""…""" text37637;"""I thought I wouldn't be able to fall asleep quickly, was sure that the dark thoughts wouldn't retreat easily, but the slumber I desired came almost immediately."""