text34937;"""People say you should love yourself…""" text34938;"""I guess it's not that simple or obvious to everyone.""" text34939;"""But I'm confident everyone can hate themselves!""" text34940;"""The only requirement is to drink a life-threatening amount of something combustible!""" text34941;"""I woke up and lay in bed for some time, staring at the ceiling, struggling to understand who and where I was.""" text34942;"""I couldn't even recall how I got home yesterday…""" text34943;"""Or, to be more precise, this morning!""" text34944;"""My last memory was of that conversation with Ed.""" text34945;"""That seemed to be after midnight?""" text34946;"""What time was it when I woke up?""" text34947;"""The hour hand pointed straight at the Roman numeral \""I\"".""" text34948;"""So I'd slept for almost twelve hours?""" text34949;"""Then why did I feel like shit?""" text34950;"""Although it was equally possible I'd gotten home way later than I thought.""" text34951;"""A headache and nausea wouldn't let me stay in bed, but as soon as I stood up the whole world shifted under my feet, forcing me to lie down again.""" text34952;"""I grazed my leg against a table, knocking a piece of paper off of it.""" text34953;"""\""Niko-kun! You can't drink like this! I found you in the hallway this morning and just barely dragged you to your bed! I'll drop by after school. I'm sure you won't be able to go anywhere, but even if you intend to, don't even think about it!\""""" text34954;"""It was written in Russian in Himitsu's beautiful, neat handwriting.""" text34955;"""For once I completely agreed with her. Moreover, I was going to insist on reinstituting Prohibition!""" text34956;"""Half an hour in the bathroom somewhat brought me to my senses.""" text34957;"""Not really though!""" text34958;"""I'd barely regained the ability to move more or less steadily, without every motion causing my head to ache.""" text34959;"""There were tsukemono on the table — no pickle juice, sure, but anything I wouldn't immediately vomit back out was good for me, and I managed to eat them without much difficulty.""" text34960;"""I felt somewhat better after restoring the balance of electrolytes in my body, even if not for long.""" text34961;"""Well, now being sober, I realized that yesterday I had been drinking way more than that Ed guy.""" text34962;"""While he was nursing a single beer, I would finish a couple glasses of whiskey, maybe a few shots of tequila on top of that.""" text34963;"""I was accelerating as if late for my train to Hell…""" text34964;"""Ed… What an interesting guy!""" text34965;"""His words made me think about a number of things, but their true meaning was only coming through now.""" text34966;"""Of course, he didn't really say anything new — just described my condtion in brief, with a few accurate and hard-hitting statements.""" text34967;"""However, even that can be enough sometimes: the facts themselves don't change, but their interpretation does.""" text34968;"""Objective and subjective levels of existence, the struggle between perception and reality.""" text34969;"""The loud ring of the doorbell pierced my brain like lightning, my headache returning at once.""" text34970;"""Who the Hell's there?!""" text34971;"""I said quite loudly and opened the door.""" text34972;"""Catherine was standing at the doorstep.""" text34973;"""What a surprise!""" text34974;"""I was genuinely surprised.""" text34975;"""Is this a bad time?""" text34976;"""As you can see, it is.""" text34977;"""While in the bathroom I had looked at myself in the mirror and harbored no doubt that my condition was self-evident.""" text34978;"""Not that Catherine was surprised in the first place.""" text34979;"""Looking at her, I recalled Ed's words about dependency.""" text34980;"""After all, the girl standing before me wasn't the same as two years ago, and she definitely wasn't the image from my dreams!""" text34981;"""Frankly speaking, I wasn't completely sure whether I loved this Catherine. At least, whether I loved her as strongly as before.""" text34982;"""Didn't bring any gifts?""" text34983;"""I grinned, letting her pass to the kitchen.""" text34984;"""I wouldn't refuse a can of beer!""" text34985;"""I have something important to discuss.""" text34986;"""She ignored my words and sat down with her legs crossed.""" text34987;"""I'm listening.""" text34988;"""She wouldn't have come to my place without a reason anyway, it was clear we were going to talk about something of critical importance.""" text34989;"""I've talked to my mom about everything. About that phone call, you, and your parents.""" text34990;"""She didn't want to explain anything for a while, but I insisted! To cut a long story short, you don't need to worry about anything anymore.""" text34991;"""Could you not cut the long story? As is, this doesn't sound very convincing to be honest.""" text34992;"""She used to be indirectly related to your parents' work. You know they worked on an important project, right?""" text34993;"""I nodded.""" text34994;"""Even though I hadn't known about it until a couple of days ago.""" text34995;"""It turned out that things weren't going smoothly, and…""" text34996;"""Catherine went silent, frowned, and looked away.""" text34997;"""Nick, I know it may come as a shock to you, but they were suspected of being Russian spies.""" text34998;"""What?""" text34999;"""My lips stretched into an idiotic smile.""" text35000;"""Even if that were the case… Was that a reason to kill them?""" text35001;"""Now it was Catherine's turn to be surprised:""" text35002;"""Kill? No! It was an accident! It's just that some questions related to their work have been raised recently…""" text35003;"""Mom told me all about it!""" text35004;"""And you believed her, naturally?""" text35005;"""I sighed.""" text35006;"""Now I definitely needed some beer.""" text35007;"""Why shouldn't I believe her?""" text35008;"""Indeed, if I took only the facts into account, her mother's story matched up pretty well with Ichinose's.""" text35009;"""Except that they had different narratives.""" text35010;"""He was blaming the Corporation for everything that had happened, while Catherine's mother was trying to cover this accident up by making culprits out of Soviet engineers.""" text35011;"""You don't believe me.""" text35012;"""She said as a statement, not a question.""" text35013;"""I do. Or, to be more precise, I believe that you believe it. But I have no reason to believe your mother, because…""" text35014;"""Was I supposed to tell her about my conversation with Ichinose?""" text35015;"""There was little chance it would put her at risk, but still I didn't want to take the chance.""" text35016;"""Think for yourself, what would you do in my place?""" text35017;"""I… I don't know. But I'm sure my mom could never do anything like that!""" text35018;"""Like what?""" text35019;"""Strictly speaking, I never accused her mother of being personally involved in my parents' death.""" text35020;"""Was she involved indirectly? That was possible.""" text35021;"""Was she involved in the Project? No doubt!""" text35022;"""But it was obvious that she hadn't been the one to issue the order.""" text35023;"""Anyway, I'm grateful that you came and told me everything.""" text35024;"""How couldn't I?""" text35025;"""Catherine asked, surprised.""" text35026;"""Oh, I'm sure you know enough ways how couldn't!""" text35027;"""Do you still take me for the Devil incarnate?""" text35028;"""I didn't know if it was the hangover or if some veil of Katya's divinity had been lifted from my perception, but I felt much more comfortable around her.""" text35029;"""Most likely because she was just behaving normally, trying to maintain some minimal level of courtesy.""" text35030;"""I just don't have any reason to trust your mother. But I understand you and don't blame you.""" text35031;"""Of course you don't!""" text35032;"""Or not…""" text35033;"""I agree that the situation is complicated, but if you think about it, my mother didn't say anything… objectionable! Of course, if you want to pick apart the wording…""" text35034;"""Yeah, I'm used to not doing that with you.""" text35035;"""I jabbed, but Catherine seemed to pay no attention to it.""" text35036;"""\""What do his parents have to do with all this, they're long dead\"". \""Why should we do this?\"". \""If you're so interested in him, handle it by yourselves\"".""" text35037;"""You call that \""nothing objectionable\""? I am remembering her words correctly, right?""" text35038;"""They were connected through work somehow, I've already told you!""" text35039;"""On the other hand, if I disregarded how I was personally involved here, there was some logic to it.""" text35040;"""I could easily imagine a situation where Mrs Winters had nothing to do with all this.""" text35041;"""But I absolutely did not want to believe that — and with good reason!""" text35042;"""Fine, I got you.""" text35043;"""I said dryly.""" text35044;"""Whatever the case, arguing with Catherine wouldn't be of any help to either of us.""" text35045;"""I'm glad.""" text35046;"""Not that she looked particularly satisfied.""" text35047;"""For a moment I even had a thought that Katya was displeased by the fact that I was speaking to her so coldly with no mention of love 'til death do us part.""" text35048;"""Anything else?""" text35049;"""No, that's all.""" text35050;"""She stood up, smoothed out her skirt, cast an appraising glance over the kitchen and bid me farewell:""" text35051;"""Enjoy your hangover.""" text35052;"""After seeing her out, I felt proud of how much resilience I'd shown.""" text35053;"""Thank you, Ed!""" text35054;"""Still, it took me some time to fully digest our conversation.""" text35055;"""The clock read four, but Himitsu still hadn't come.""" text35056;"""Logically, she should've rushed to my place right after school.""" text35057;"""I guess I even wanted that.""" text35058;"""That marathon yesterday managed to fulfill its objective — it blunted my sense of guilt, and I could look her in the eye with relative ease.""" text35059;"""Why not take the initiative then?""" text35060;"""A minute later, I was enthusiastically ringing the doorbell of Himitsu's house.""" text35061;"""However, her father answered the door instead of her.""" text35062;"""Nikolai? Good afternoon.""" text35063;"""Good afternoon, Ryunosuke-san. Is Himitsu home?""" text35064;"""She went out to do some shopping.""" text35065;"""Oh, then I'll drop by later.""" text35066;"""It's fine, come in. You can wait here, she'll be back soon.""" text35067;"""Sorry to bother you.""" text35068;"""I used the standard Japanese form of politeness.""" text35069;"""Perhaps that wasn't my habit, but Ryunosuke-san commanded respect by appearance alone.""" text35070;"""A tall (especially for a Japanese!), always serious and even somehow overly collected man, he didn't waste time on idle gossip, and I couldn't recall ever seeing him smile.""" text35071;"""…""" text35072;"""How are you doing, Nikolai?""" text35073;"""Himitsu's father asked in the same tone.""" text35074;"""I wondered if he noticed my obviously poor condition.""" text35075;"""I really hoped he didn't.""" text35076;"""I'm doing alright. And you?""" text35077;"""He looked at me closely. Was it an inappropriate question?""" text35078;"""I'm fine.""" text35079;"""I heard your mutual friend has returned to Japan? Catherine, right?""" text35080;"""Yes… yes…""" text35081;"""Himitsu definitely shouldn't have told that to her father. Who needed that?""" text35082;"""I see.""" text35083;"""The awkward pause dragged on.""" text35084;"""Ryunosuke-san was just sitting on the sofa and keeping his eyes fixed on me, which was frankly making me feel uncomfortable.""" text35085;"""Finally, the front door opened, and I could hear steps coming from the hall.""" text35086;"""I'm home.""" text35087;"""Himitsu appeared in the living room with bags in her hands.""" text35088;"""Niko-kun!""" text35089;"""She exclaimed, but, having noticed her father, caught herself.""" text35090;"""So glad you came. Wait, I won't be long.""" text35091;"""She rushed to the kitchen to unload the bags.""" text35092;"""I won't bother you.""" text35093;"""Ryunosuke-san bid his farewell.""" text35094;"""I nodded, trying not to be too courteous this time.""" text35095;"""When the door closed behind him, Himitsu virtually assaulted me:.""" text35096;"""Niko-kun! Would you deign to explain what that was yesterday?""" text35097;"""That's what I'm here for!""" text35098;"""I relaxed into the armchair and smiled.""" text35099;"""She clearly hadn't expected this kind of reply.""" text35100;"""Well that's good, of course, but…""" text35101;"""I just couldn't handle the stress. I needed to relax.""" text35102;"""So you think drinking yourself into oblivion is a good way to relax?""" text35103;"""Whatever works.""" text35104;"""Try not to relax so much you won't be able to tense up again!""" text35105;"""She said in a grim voice and returned to the kitchen.""" text35106;"""We are going to have dinner soon.""" text35107;"""I didn't want to (and couldn't) eat at all, but there was no option to refuse the invitation either.""" text35108;"""…""" text35109;"""When were you at school last time? Do you even remember?""" text35110;"""Well… On Tuesday?""" text35111;"""Tuesday…""" text35112;"""She grumbled and put her chopsticks away.""" text35113;"""That was a signal that I didn't have to force myself anymore – morning pickles were more than enough for me.""" text35114;"""Niko-kun, this is no joke!""" text35115;"""Nobody's laughing. You know, like in that joke: when I wanted to become a comic, everyone was laughing at me, but — guess what? — now I am one and nobody's laughing anymore!""" text35116;"""Himitsu sighed and shook her head.""" text35117;"""It's just that I feel like I'm not myself these days. But over yesterday and today I've given it some thought, reevaluated my life a bit.""" text35118;"""Successfully?""" text35119;"""I don't know yet, it's too early to draw conclusions.""" text35120;"""Apparently she was still upset, because she was talking a lot less than usual.""" text35121;"""How was your day?""" text35122;"""As usual. My days always go as usual, Niko-kun.""" text35123;"""Perhaps I didn't ask enough about Himitsu's life, or more precisely, about the part that wasn't related to me, but how could she blame me if it was always \""as usual\"" for her?""" text35124;"""So, nothing… new at all?""" text35125;"""Well, Saya-chan told me you were rude to her yesterday.""" text35126;"""Huh, guess she didn't notice the industrial timber complex in her own eye!""" text35127;"""Himitsu smiled.""" text35128;"""But this time she wasn't swearing about you that much, so you can be proud of yourself!""" text35129;"""What an achievement.""" text35130;"""If you would pay more attention to other people…""" text35131;"""What do I care about your Saya?""" text35132;"""You should treat others like you want to be treated yourself. And you treat everyone terribly.""" text35133;"""Well, I treat you okay.""" text35134;"""That's what you think.""" text35135;"""Himitsu said quietly.""" text35136;"""What? Well, sorry…""" text35137;"""I had to admit, her words stung.""" text35138;"""I still didn't care what this Saya-chan and the rest like her thought of me.""" text35139;"""I even knew perfectly well that I acted like a pig to Himitsu.""" text35140;"""But when she said it herself…""" text35141;"""I recalled Ed and his applied psychology again.""" text35142;"""Psychoanalysis is, at its core, the process of structuring thoughts, sorting through them so that each has its own place.""" text35143;"""Try throwing all your stuff into one big box for years, then trying find something you need in a couple of minutes.""" text35144;"""So what are you guys preparing for the school festival?""" text35145;"""I tried to change the topic rather awkwardly.""" text35146;"""I've already told you!""" text35147;"""A café.""" text35148;"""I immediately wanted to see Himitsu in a maid uniform, though I didn't say it.""" text35149;"""I'm sure the food will be delicious! If you're in charge of cooking, then definitely.""" text35150;"""Other girls can cook too.""" text35151;"""Deinitely not as well as you!""" text35152;"""You'll try it when you come by.""" text35153;"""I definitely will!""" text35154;"""By the way, let me handle the dishes.""" text35155;"""Oh, that's not too much effort for you?""" text35156;"""We'll just have to wait and see!""" text35157;"""…""" text35158;"""It's interesting how something as ordinary as a kitchen sink can be so dissimilar in each individual house.""" text35159;"""Literally in its every aspect: the tap and the handles, the location of the drain, the sponges and the rags.""" text35160;"""The pressure was remarkably strong, but the water didn't splash all over the kitchen like at my place.""" text35161;"""Well, you can't underestimate how well thought-out modern houses are!""" text35162;"""Should we go out somewhere?""" text35163;"""I still felt guilty because of what happened yesterday, and a few words weren't going to change that. I needed something more substantative""" text35164;"""Go where?""" text35165;"""Himitsu asked.""" text35166;"""She'd already turned on the TV, and was watching a soap opera.""" text35167;"""We could just walk around. Or go to the cinema. Do you want to watch a movie?""" text35168;"""I don't know.""" text35169;"""She said, not expressing much interest.""" text35170;"""What's the movie about?""" text35171;"""Some sort of science fiction, I guess.""" text35172;"""Is it scary?""" text35173;"""Himitsu didn't like horror films. I have to admit, I shared the sentiment, though for different reasons.""" text35174;"""Well, we can watch it and see if it is!""" text35175;"""She turned the TV down and, after a few seconds, said merrily:""" text35176;"""You choose.""" text35177;"""On the one hand, I wanted to watch a new movie, but on the other — I knew what happens with Himitsu in a cinema when some sort of paper mache monster appears on screen.""" text35178;"""A simple walk wasn't that dangerous, but, of course, it wasn't that entertaining either.""" text35179;"""Go to the movies""" text35180;"""Go for a walk""" text35181;"""It's expected to be silent during a movie — and I wasn't in the mood to talk to her.""" text35182;"""I had no problem with being attentive and spending time together, but I couldn't get Catherine's morning visit out of my mind.""" text35183;"""It felt like she came for the sake of decency rather than out of any worry for me.""" text35184;"""Like if a mother who sends her child to apologize before the kid that child had stolen a toy from at a playground.""" text35185;"""Responsibility, servitude, obligation — Catherine was trying hard to show that she was doing all this because she had to rather than wanted to.""" text35186;"""And that indeed was only raising new questions…""" text35187;"""Why would she need to prove her innocence so desperately?""" text35188;"""After all, an uneasy conscience betrays itself!""" text35189;"""Niko-kun?""" text35190;"""We should go to the cinema.""" text35191;"""Well, if it's a horror movie, it's on you!""" text35192;"""…""" text35193;"""All the showings of the film I wanted to watch were in the evening, so we had had to go for a sob melodrama that almost made me fall asleep.""" text35194;"""Himitsu, on the contrary, obviously liked it a lot, since from the middle of the film she started sobbing louder and louder and by the finale was crying her eyes out.""" text35195;"""The movie was great! It's a pity real life isn't like that at all…""" text35196;"""We walked out of the cinema and bought two ice cream cones: vanilla for me and strawberry for Himitsu.""" text35197;"""Why? Brain cancer is a common issue these days.""" text35198;"""The protagonist falls in love with a girl unaware that she's gravely ill and only has a month left to live.""" text35199;"""Hardly gets more banal than that!""" text35200;"""You've ruined it again! You'd make a bad writer!""" text35201;"""So a writer needs to lack logic?""" text35202;"""A writer needs to have empathy!""" text35203;"""Stop grumbling!""" text35204;"""Why should I feel sympathetic over some clearly contrived story? Especially considering the thirty-year-old \""high schoolers\""!""" text35205;"""That's not true! She's only 25!""" text35206;"""Himitsu frowned and bit her ice cream with near hatred.""" text35207;"""What's good about your science fiction books? That's where there's a lack of logic! Nothing's real!""" text35208;"""They're just metaphors…""" text35209;"""I tried to come up with an excuse, but Himitsu continued:""" text35210;"""You would've definitely liked the movie if it was happening on another planet!""" text35211;"""Or, say, if there was a break up instead of a disease! She would break up with him and fly to the other end of the galaxy, while he would freeze himself to wait for her!""" text35212;"""The conversation was getting dangerous.""" text35213;"""That's a wonderful story, you should write it down!""" text35214;"""However, laughing it off didn't work.""" text35215;"""I haven't come up with an ending yet.""" text35216;"""Himitsu responded angrily and bit out a huge chunk of ice cream again.""" text35217;"""This time it didn't go well:""" text35218;"""Ouch!""" text35219;"""She rolled her eyes and started jumping in place.""" text35220;"""Trying to freeze yourself like in your novel?""" text35221;"""I asked her sympathetically and took the cone out of her hands.""" text35222;"""It's always like that with you!""" text35223;"""Himitsu grumbled, and, having come to her senses, walked quickly onwards.""" text35224;"""How did she always manage to guess what I was thinking about so accurately?""" text35225;"""I wasn't enjoying these allusions to Catherine at all.""" text35226;"""If Himitsu were to continue with this train of thought, she would come to absolutely absurd conclusions, get dramatic, find culprits, and pass judgement on them.""" text35227;"""And all of that would've happened based on emotions and feelings alone, with no consideration given to reality.""" text35228;"""Maybe it was very woman-like, maybe it was very childish, but I had what I had and had to live with it somehow.""" text35229;"""I just followed Himitsu and, in ten minutes, we arrived at a park.""" text35230;"""It's so beautiful here! Niko-kun, why do we come to this place so rarely?""" text35231;"""Yeah, not quite often.""" text35232;"""I smirked, but it sounded somewhat unnatural — not that she was paying attention.""" text35233;"""Until now I had only come here with Catherine.""" text35234;"""I wondered if Himitsu knew that.""" text35235;"""However, the fresh air did me good — the desire to make nasty jokes disappeared without a trace.""" text35236;"""You know, this really is a nice place.""" text35237;"""There you go!""" text35238;"""She smiled victoriously and took me by the hand.""" text35239;"""What would Catherine think if she saw us? Would she be jealous?""" text35240;"""Sorry I got so drunk yesterday.""" text35241;"""Oh well, bygons… What matters is making the right conclusions!""" text35242;"""But the part about me making a bad writer was upsetting!""" text35243;"""I didn't mean it…""" text35244;"""I'll give you a \""Sarcasm!\"" placard!""" text35245;"""To be honest, subtle humor wasn't Himitsu's forte.""" text35246;"""You keep joking Niko-kun, but time flies by!""" text35247;"""Flies where?""" text35248;"""There! Soon we'll need to enroll in college…""" text35249;"""Of course, she knew that I wasn't going to continue studying but continued to ignore that fact — as if she had decided everything for me already.""" text35250;"""We've discussed this so many times already!""" text35251;"""Yes, and nothing changes!""" text35252;"""I'll need to live on something after school — my parents' money isn't endless, you know.""" text35253;"""You can always find a part-time job or…""" text35254;"""She grew embarrassed and stopped talking.""" text35255;"""In the life philosophy of Himitsu, an idea was a basic unit of organization — it couldn't be divided into parts and didn't obey the laws of the macro world.""" text35256;"""\""One has to get university education\"" was an idea, while the hows and whys were completely irrelevant.""" text35257;"""Easy for you to say!""" text35258;"""I snapped at her, recalling that Catherine and I had had more or less the same conversation in more or less the same place.""" text35259;"""Maybe I'd like to, except…""" text35260;"""Well, I don't know! I still need to live to that moment! And right now I'm having some difficulties with that, too!""" text35261;"""Niko-kun…""" text35262;"""Himitsu lowered her head and gripped my hand tighter.""" text35263;"""I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.""" text35264;"""We're just trying so hard to pretend nothing has changed…""" text35265;"""I guess I was the one mostly responsible for that — I was trying too hard not to involve Himitsu in my problems.""" text35266;"""Never mind, forget it.""" text35267;"""Niko-kun…""" text35268;"""What?!""" text35269;"""I snapped.""" text35270;"""You're not helping at all — only lamenting like an old woman!""" text35271;"""An old couple was looking at us with clear interest, even a little unceremoniously — perhaps because we were speaking Russian.""" text35272;"""What are you staring at?!""" text35273;"""I barked at them in Japanese.""" text35274;"""The oldies immediately started looking around the park fearfully, as if searching for a policeman.""" text35275;"""Niko-kun, have you gone completely mad?!""" text35276;"""Himitsu hissed at me, quickly bowed, apologized, and dragged me away.""" text35277;"""…""" text35278;"""We walked out into the city where I was immediately received my deserved reprimand:""" text35279;"""You can't behave like that! I don't even have the words!""" text35280;"""Alright, sorry…""" text35281;"""I really did feel guilty.""" text35282;"""However, guilty to Himitsu rather than a couple of old strangers.""" text35283;"""It's all because of your drinking! You've completely lost yourself!""" text35284;"""I had zero desire to listen to this, but after what I'd done interrupting her wasn't an option.""" text35285;"""Let's go home.""" text35286;"""I said, avoiding her eyes.""" text35287;"""I could watch that film on my own — Himitsu didn't like science fiction anyway.""" text35288;"""…""" text35289;"""We walked the streets of Tokyo without any particular destination, but somehow found ourselves in the park.""" text35290;"""Well, it was more like Himitsu had gently guided me there.""" text35291;"""Why the park?""" text35292;"""I don't know. We haven't been here for a while.""" text35293;"""Not together, perhaps, but I had been reminiscing here just yesterday.""" text35294;"""A rather unpleasant feeling came over me, and I could feel a lump in my throat.""" text35295;"""Niko-kun, are you alright?""" text35296;"""I couldn't even say for sure whether Himitsu knew that Catherine and I had spent a lot of time together in this park.""" text35297;"""The air here is too clean — I felt a bit dizzy.""" text35298;"""I laughed it off.""" text35299;"""…""" text35300;"""Look!""" text35301;"""Himitsu said loudly and approached a tree standing by the footpath.""" text35302;"""A pretty big squirrel was sitting on a branch.""" text35303;"""Although it mostly looked similar to its European counterparts, something felt elusively alien about it.""" text35304;"""Of course, I couldn't blame the poor animal for that.""" text35305;"""What a cutie!""" text35306;"""Oh, I have nothing to give you…""" text35307;"""I checked my pockets and unexpectedly found some chocolate.""" text35308;"""Here you are…""" text35309;"""The squirrel climbed down, smelled the chocolate, but snorted and climbed back up the tree, hiding in its dense foliage.""" text35310;"""Apparently, it doesn't like chocolate.""" text35311;"""Still, it's almost like a pet!""" text35312;"""I guess it's used to being fed.""" text35313;"""Let's bring some nuts next time!""" text35314;"""Yeah, that should do for it in order to stock up and enjoy its winter sleep!""" text35315;"""Squirrels don't hibernate, that's why they stock up.""" text35316;"""How do you know that?""" text35317;"""I attend class sometimes.""" text35318;"""But your cat has stockpiles everywhere — under the sofa, behind the wardrobe! And she seems to hibernate through the whole year.""" text35319;"""Don't insult my cat!""" text35320;"""I would've loved to have a cat myself, but that would have been unfair to the poor animal.""" text35321;"""I wonder if there are other animals here…""" text35322;"""Maybe bears…""" text35323;"""Himitsu looked at me with surprise.""" text35324;"""Or wolves!""" text35325;"""Wolves…? Do you think there are wolves here?""" text35326;"""She asked, horrified, and stepped closer to me.""" text35327;"""Or tigers! Tigers are also cats, after all! They're just bigger.""" text35328;"""Or…""" text35329;"""I didn't finish the sentence, as I saw Catherine walking toward us.""" text35330;"""She was looking directly at me and seemed to have been observing us for some time now.""" text35331;"""Niko-kun?""" text35332;"""I jerked my head in the direction of the footpath.""" text35333;"""Himitsu stepped even closer than before.""" text35334;"""Hi, Katty-chan.""" text35335;"""She greeted Katya happily as she approached us.""" text35336;"""Taking a walk?""" text35337;"""Yes.""" text35338;"""I said coldly, quite unexpectedly even to myself.""" text35339;"""Weirdly, this was the first time in almost two weeks that all three of us were together.""" text35340;"""Catherine seemed disappointed – she clearly hadn't expected to see me here, especially with Himitsu, but then why hadn't she left as soon as she noticed us?""" text35341;"""I was trying not to think about the reasons that could have brought her here.""" text35342;"""She was alone… Just like me yesterday.""" text35343;"""How are you doing?""" text35344;"""I wouldn't call Himitsu's behavior towards Katya hypocritical, but sometimes it surprised me.""" text35345;"""Not as well as you are, apparently.""" text35346;"""Did something happen?""" text35347;"""Nothing in particular, and everything at once — you know, it happens.""" text35348;"""I wondered if our morning conversation had affected her that much.""" text35349;"""I didn't want to think that Catherine simply didn't enjoy seeing us together — I didn't want to go through that vicious cycle of agonizing introspection again.""" text35350;"""We saw a squirrel! It didn't take the chocolate, though…""" text35351;"""All these childish remarks were quite inappropriate.""" text35352;"""What are you doing here?""" text35353;"""Taking a walk as well. Can't I?""" text35354;"""Alone?""" text35355;"""Katya frowned and flashed me an angry glance.""" text35356;"""I'm not breaking any local laws, I hope? You must know Japanese legislation better than I.""" text35357;"""I saw a sign saying you can't walk dogs here… It didn't mention humans.""" text35358;"""Well, it's good that you haven't brought a dog today then.""" text35359;"""She smirked, and I couldn't forgive the jab.""" text35360;"""You know I don't like dogs in general. Who would ever like to have someone shit around them all the time?""" text35361;"""True enough.""" text35362;"""Catherine ended that little duel.""" text35363;"""Alright, we should go then. See you, Katty-chan!""" text35364;"""All of a sudden, Himitsu stole the initiative.""" text35365;"""…""" text35366;"""The heck was that?""" text35367;"""For a couple minutes, we walked in silence.""" text35368;"""You tell me.""" text35369;"""No, I don't mean you…""" text35370;"""On the other hand, what, was Himitsu supposed to fistfight her?""" text35371;"""Alright, never mind.""" text35372;"""And your… that! Why did you argue with her?""" text35373;"""I didn't!""" text35374;"""You did!""" text35375;"""Sunshine…""" text35376;"""I played my last card.""" text35377;"""You don't think it's my fault that she turned out to be here, do you?""" text35378;"""We study at the same school, live in the same city. Almost in the same district.""" text35379;"""So you know where she lives?""" text35380;"""Himitsu stopped, and grabbed me by the hand.""" text35381;"""Well… yeah… The same place as before…""" text35382;"""Don't lie to me, Niko-kun! She used to live far away from here! And now you're telling me it's \""in the same district\""!""" text35383;"""No, I just…""" text35384;"""That was quite a snafu!""" text35385;"""She turned around and walked quickly away.""" text35386;"""Sunshine, wait!""" text35387;"""Yes, I know where she lives, but what's wrong with that?""" text35388;"""You should've told me!""" text35389;"""Himitsu said without turning to me.""" text35390;"""I didn't think it was important… Besides, we talked about my problems… You know, those problems!""" text35391;"""She stopped immediately.""" text35392;"""Are you trying to say that Katty-chan is somehow related to all that?""" text35393;"""N-no…""" text35394;"""I didn't know where to look, and it took me a tremendous effort to appear normal.""" text35395;"""However, that's how people usually know you're lying to them.""" text35396;"""Then why did you talk about it with her?""" text35397;"""I didn't tell her anything, I was just wanted to know why she came back now of all times.""" text35398;"""So why?""" text35399;"""Because of her mother's work.""" text35400;"""What a convenient excuse!""" text35401;"""Yes, it does seem strange, but I'm sure it's just a coincidence!""" text35402;"""Himitsu gave it some thought.""" text35403;"""There were many things she could accuse Catherine of, sure, but participation in a conspiracy wasn't one of them.""" text35404;"""Not everyone in the world wants to kill me.""" text35405;"""I smiled calmly at her.""" text35406;"""You can kill a person in different ways. And over different amounts of time…""" text35407;"""You're speaking like a serial killer!""" text35408;"""I had been slowly approaching her and had already сrouched down to catch her in my arms…""" text35409;"""Niko-kun, don't!""" text35410;"""Himitsu yelled and broke into a run.""" text35411;"""I caught up to her and wrestled her to a pile of autumn leaves neatly arranged along the road.""" text35412;"""Niko-kun!""" text35413;"""She was laughing happily and trying to break free.""" text35414;"""Her reddened cheeks were glowing, her eyes flashing, and the bright red leaves tangled in her hair seemed to become a continuation of her braids.""" text35415;"""That's when I kissed her.""" text35416;"""Instinctively, driven by the heat of the moment.""" text35417;"""The situation was too romantic, and I'd been starved of intimacy way too long.""" text35418;"""Or, maybe, this kiss carried my true feelings.""" text35419;"""Himitsu didn't react at first, but then reciprocated and hugged me tightly, pressing herself to me.""" text35420;"""In moments like this, you lose all sense of time — we lay together, becoming one and kissing each other, while grey autumn clouds passed above us, and a mighty wind blew high in the sky, taking away the last remnants of summer.""" text35421;"""Eventually, I tore myself away from Himitsu and helped her stand up.""" text35422;"""Sorry…""" text35423;"""No…""" text35424;"""She shook her head, embarrassed.""" text35425;"""It was just so unexpected.""" text35426;"""Whatever you think…""" text35427;"""I almost said \""about Catherine\"".""" text35428;"""About what?""" text35429;"""Nothing! Let's go home?""" text35430;"""Let's go. I feel tired.""" text35431;"""…""" text35432;"""We spent almost the entire walk back in silence.""" text35433;"""No, I wasn't regretting what I had done at all, but I still felt awkward.""" text35434;"""Naturally, things were even more complicated for Himitsu.""" text35435;"""So I couldn't hope for a continuation, although I wasn't sure I would be able refuse it.""" text35436;"""I was thinking what I would've felt if Himitsu hadn't been around at that moment.""" text35437;"""Maybe nothing.""" text35438;"""Maybe I would have also told them to fuck off…""" text35439;"""When we arrived, I stopped and said:""" text35440;"""Alright, I will see you tomorrow then.""" text35441;"""Yeah, bye.""" text35442;"""Himitsu replied briefly and left.""" text35443;"""Left too quickly — as if she were upset with me.""" text35444;"""That kiss had probably embarrassed her more than I thought.""" text35445;"""Apparently, I wasn't going to get dinner tonight.""" text35446;"""However, that seemed to be the least of my problems.""" text35447;"""For a normal person it would have been evening already, but I'd only woken up at one o'clock, so I was still full of energy.""" text35448;"""My hangover had long retreated, allowing me come to my senses and start thinking constructively.""" text35449;"""Himitsu clearly thought that we were together now.""" text35450;"""And I was simply too scared to dissuade her, putting my own feelings aside.""" text35451;"""And Catherine… was doing pretty much everything she could to kill my love for her.""" text35452;"""She was quite successful at it, I had to say.""" text35453;"""On the other hand, you can't instantly destroy what took years to emerge and grow stronger.""" text35454;"""A phone rang in the hall, its sound dull and somehow phlegmatic.""" text35455;"""Hello.""" text35456;"""Hi Nick, are you busy?""" text35457;"""Michael's voice sounded calm and even as always. Even pacifying, to a degree.""" text35458;"""No, just came back, been walking around with Himitsu.""" text35459;"""Alright. I have something to talk about. Eye to eye.""" text35460;"""Can't we discuss it over the phone? Why the secrecy?""" text35461;"""No.""" text35462;"""He answered briefly, and I started to worry.""" text35463;"""Secrecy meant a lot to me now!""" text35464;"""I assume it can't wait till tomorrow?""" text35465;"""No.""" text35466;"""I see. When and where?""" text35467;"""In the city centre, in an hour.""" text35468;"""Okay, see you.""" text35469;"""I hung up and let out a sigh.""" text35470;"""I'd just come back and only managed to take my shoes off..""" text35471;"""…""" text35472;"""Michael was punctual and appeared on time, although I wasn't late either.""" text35473;"""At first I wanted to warn Himitsu, but then I figured that since I wasn't meeting with Catherine, Ichinose, or anyone else who'd make her concerned, I had nothing to worry about.""" text35474;"""As for Michael…""" text35475;"""Whatever the subject of the discussion would be, there was no reason to expect anything dangerous from him.""" text35476;"""Well, hi. Why the urgency?""" text35477;"""Let's find somewhere quiet first.""" text35478;"""You sound like a real spy today.""" text35479;"""Michael didn't react to my joke, however.""" text35480;"""Which was to be be expected, but I started to feel even more off.""" text35481;"""…""" text35482;"""He led me to the park.""" text35483;"""Wasn't I coming here a little much these days?""" text35484;"""So? Drop the suspense!""" text35485;"""We sat on a bench, far from the main entrance.""" text35486;"""Do you remember our conversation on Monday? About my father's work and Kobayashi Corporation.""" text35487;"""I do, why?""" text35488;"""After all, I hadn't told him anything specific.""" text35489;"""Well, I couldn't get it out of my head, so I talked to my father.""" text35490;"""And?""" text35491;"""We may have to leave Tokyo, or even Japan altogether.""" text35492;"""He sighed and frowned — which, for Michael, could be described as an emotional storm.""" text35493;"""Something is happening, Nick. Something serious, and I think you might be in danger.""" text35494;"""Come on! Who am I to…""" text35495;"""And this danger might be coming from Kobayashi Corporation. You've asked about them yourself.""" text35496;"""I couldn't play the fool around Michael — he was too astute for that.""" text35497;"""So I stopped smiling idiotically and looked away, staring at the dark silhouettes of the trees and the pond.""" text35498;"""What exactly do you know?""" text35499;"""Nothing in particular. But my father was worried, and that doesn't happen often.""" text35500;"""Well yeah, \""like father, like son\""…""" text35501;"""Even if there was something, it's fine now.""" text35502;"""If I were to believe Catherine.""" text35503;"""If I were you, I wouldn't just neglect…""" text35504;"""I'm telling you it's alright!""" text35505;"""I ground my teeth, but continued in a lower voice:""" text35506;"""Thank you for caring.""" text35507;"""The spirit of contradiction seemed to be strong in me.""" text35508;"""After all this madness I'd experienced in the last couple weeks, I finally managed to fix my relationship with Himitsu, handle the situation with Catherine to some extent, and nobody was following me anymore, at least not openly.""" text35509;"""And now it was going to start all over again?""" text35510;"""And who was informing me about this? Michael?""" text35511;"""It felt as if a Christmas deer had brought me some news on its horns!""" text35512;"""Well, I just wanted to warn you. That's all I can do.""" text35513;"""Are you sure you're going to leave?""" text35514;"""I don't know yet.""" text35515;"""When will you know then?""" text35516;"""I can't say that either.""" text35517;"""Just sounds like riddles and assumptions. Not enough to panic over, don't you think?""" text35518;"""Who's panicking? Due diligence never hurt anyone.""" text35519;"""What do you mean by \""due diligence\""? What should I do to be diligent? Buy a gun?""" text35520;"""I smirked.""" text35521;"""You can hardly do that here, but if we were in the US, I'd say it might be a good idea.""" text35522;"""Is it really that bad?""" text35523;"""Jokes like this weren't in Michael's character, and he seemed serious.""" text35524;"""I hope not.""" text35525;"""Either way, I couldn't tell him about my situation.""" text35526;"""Not because he would tell his father, but because the fewer people were involved, the better!""" text35527;"""Okay, don't take it so seriously! Who are we? Just students! We're irrelevant!""" text35528;"""Maybe you're right.""" text35529;"""Michael responded after some time and stood up.""" text35530;"""It's late. Will you come to school tomorrow?""" text35531;"""I will!""" text35532;"""…""" text35533;"""On my way back I was constantly looking around and even chose a longer route to confuse my potential stalkers.""" text35534;"""However, it seemed like they were either not following me or following me too well.""" text35535;"""Of course, I couldn't get Michael's words out of my head, but it felt as if I'd been sedated: my own problems seemed distant, as if they belonged to a total stranger.""" text35536;"""Sometimes it can be almost impossible to break out of a negative perception of things and see the good aspects and positive changes in life.""" text35537;"""Or, sometimes, the overwhelming wave of positivity doesn't let you think straight and see that things aren't all so rosy, and that the enemy literally hides around the corner.""" text35538;"""…""" text35539;"""I was walking down the streets of the Japanese capital and breathing rich autumn air.""" text35540;"""Every season has its own outstanding smell.""" text35541;"""For summer, it's green grass, blossoming flowers, gentle sea breeze, soil, and asphalt heated by the sun.""" text35542;"""But autumn brings along freshness and humidity of frequent rains, dampness of soiled leaves, the aroma of ripe apples, and rich scent of fermented plums.""" text35543;"""To me, autumn was the crowning achievement of creation, the final point and pinnacle of the cycle.""" text35544;"""For a couple weeks yet we could enjoy soft, warm days and fresh, invigorating evenings, the whirlpool of colors of the withering nature and the ripe, juicy fruits.""" text35545;"""And then the arrow of life soars over midnight to begin a new ascent to the summit through the long winter night.""" text35546;"""…""" text35547;"""My big empty house greeted me with darkness I had already grown a bit unfamiliar with and dead silence.""" text35548;"""Somewhere deep inside I was hoping that Himitsu would come after all. Or, at least, would make dinner.""" text35549;"""Or even just leave a note.""" text35550;"""However, I wasn't particularly upset about that — after all, the had gone pretty well.""" text35551;"""Neglecting the matter of dinner and feeling almost happy, I went to bed and quickly fell asleep.."""