text30152;"""I woke up with a heavy head, feeling like I'd been on a drinking spree.""" text30153;"""But the physical condition matters so little…""" text30154;"""I was always more occupied by global issues, hardly ever thinking in terms of days or weeks.""" text30155;"""But now, when all I had left was a couple thousand yen, I had to learn how to live for the present again.""" text30156;"""I washed myself, made breakfast, ate it, washed the dishes, and started thinking, perceiving the Saturday silence in my house somehow anew.""" text30157;"""Maybe I could sell it?""" text30158;"""But I didn't even know who it was registered to… It was unlikely I was listed as a proprietor.""" text30159;"""They say Russians are wise in hindsight — and indeed, the longer I thought, the more I started to understand.""" text30160;"""Answers came from nowhere, giving birth again to questions I had been waving off before.""" text30161;"""How could I have been be so naive?!""" text30162;"""Sure, I could drop out of school, find a job.""" text30163;"""I would most likely have enough money to survive.""" text30164;"""But would it really be a life? Would it be what my parents had wanted for me?""" text30165;"""Parents…""" text30166;"""After all, I had other relatives!""" text30167;"""I dashed to the hall and started feverishly flipping through the pages of the phone book.""" text30168;"""Here it was, my grandparents' telephone number in the USSR!""" text30169;"""During the funeral, they kept asking for me to come back with them, but at the time I couldn't even imagine how I could abandon everything here and go to a country I only remembered as a drawing in a children's book.""" text30170;"""The unfamiliar dialtone of an international call… I wondered what time it was there.""" text30171;"""Then familiar repeating beeps.""" text30172;"""Maybe I dialled the number wrong?""" text30173;"""However, the same thing happened the second and third times.""" text30174;"""What was I doing wrong?""" text30175;"""I definitely used to talk to them using this exact phone number!""" text30176;"""After a few more unsuccessful attempts, the feeling of powerlessness became unbearable.""" text30177;"""I immediately remembered my thoughts the day before. Thoughts about Himitsu.""" text30178;"""Would I really have to let her go forever, fly thousands of kilometres away without any hope of seeing her again?""" text30179;"""But that would be better for everyone… That would be better for her.""" text30180;"""True love is first and foremost about caring for the happiness of the person you love.""" text30181;"""And that new feeling of mine would mean nothing if I was willing to put my desires above her safety.""" text30182;"""Himitsu would be better off without me!""" text30183;"""My phone, having persistently ignored all my attempts to connect to the USSR, suddenly rang by itself.""" text30184;"""Hello.""" text30185;"""After a pause, I decided to take the call.""" text30186;"""Shino-san has ordered delivery to the same address.""" text30187;"""A stranger's voice told me from the other end.""" text30188;"""You… got the wrong number.""" text30189;"""I barely managed to reply.""" text30190;"""So that's where Ichinose disappeared when I needed him!""" text30191;"""I didn't even find it suspicious that the call came during the day — I quickly got dressed and ran outside.""" text30192;"""Ryunosuke-san had made it clear Japanese intelligence were no longer interested in me, but, unfortunately, they weren't the only ones I had to worry about.""" text30193;"""So I couldn't abandon caution!""" text30194;"""I wondered around for about an hour, trying to lose any possible tails.""" text30195;"""Finally, I took a train to the waterfront. I didn't notice anyone following me.""" text30196;"""The day was unusually warm considering it was the end of September, hot sea air reminding me of summer.""" text30197;"""A salty breeze blew from the ocean, and I squinted, exposing my face to the rays of the scorching sun.""" text30198;"""You're punctual.""" text30199;"""A familiar voice brought me to my senses. I opened my eyes and saw Irina.""" text30200;"""We were the ones who called you.""" text30201;"""Ichinose…""" text30202;"""I didn't finish the sentence.""" text30203;"""His fate is the last thing you should be concerned about right now!""" text30204;"""So that's how you take care of your compatriots!""" text30205;"""Let's take a walk.""" text30206;"""Irina took me by the arm and dragged me deeper into the fishing district, further from the train station.""" text30207;"""…""" text30208;"""Shall I remind you that you're still a citizen of the USSR ?""" text30209;"""I don't care about your sophistry!""" text30210;"""What clever words! Don't forget that you were born in that country!""" text30211;"""So what?""" text30212;"""She showed no reaction to my rudeness.""" text30213;"""So why am I here?""" text30214;"""I thought I made myself clear when I said that you should behave as usual? That you should lay low? Initiative is punishable, as our saying goes.""" text30215;"""It's quite hard to lay low and try to find something on Ito at the same time…""" text30216;"""So you found something?""" text30217;"""Let's say I did.""" text30218;"""I was improvizing, diving head-first into this world of spies, the rules of which I knew nothing about.""" text30219;"""I wasn't scared — in the first place because I simply didn't fully grasp what my words could lead to.""" text30220;"""Besides, impromptus were usually my strength — maybe due some kind of innate intuition.""" text30221;"""I had nothing to lose or risk except for my life — and that was giving me extra confidence.""" text30222;"""In this case, my friend, would you bother to explain why the Japanese have lost interest in you so suddenly?""" text30223;"""And why Ito took his daughter away from Tokyo?""" text30224;"""Because they think I know nothing. And that really is the case! But before that, I had some time to poke around Himitsu's house.""" text30225;"""And?""" text30226;"""Irina was glaring a hole straight through me.""" text30227;"""Where are my guarantees?""" text30228;"""What kind of guarantees do you want? I don't even know what you've found there.""" text30229;"""Something that might interest you.""" text30230;"""She took her time to reply, clearly thinking of all possible options.""" text30231;"""I'm listening.""" text30232;"""Firstly, you will guarantee Himitsu's safety. And Ito's, subsequently.""" text30233;"""Irina kept staring at me, not a single muscle twitching on her focused face, so it took quite an effort not to stutter.""" text30234;"""Next, I want to return to the USSR. There's nothing keeping me here anymore.""" text30235;"""Is that all?""" text30236;"""She finally said, having realized I was done.""" text30237;"""Yes.""" text30238;"""I can't make decisions like that on my own, especially without having seen the documents.""" text30239;"""You'll have to take my word on this. Otherwise, you'll never get a chance to see them.""" text30240;"""You're clever. Although I knew right away you were capable of something like this.""" text30241;"""Any means are good enough to save your own life.""" text30242;"""Fine. So what do you imagine from here?""" text30243;"""That was something I hadn't given much thought.""" text30244;"""Err… Let's say I will give you the documents at the plane ladder.""" text30245;"""What, don't want to take a ferry to Vladivostok?""" text30246;"""A joyful spark appeared in her eyes – just like back then, in the bar.""" text30247;"""You have no documents, never did, and you are of no value to anyone anymore. Neither to us nor the Japanese.""" text30248;"""So the only advice I can give you is not to try and contact the USSR anymore or bother Ito. Just live like all Japanese do and forget about everything that's happened.""" text30249;"""And consider it a gift from your Motherland and me personally — it would've been much easier to get rid of you.""" text30250;"""A lovely gift indeed! But I've got something for you as well.""" text30251;"""Thank you, Ichinose!""" text30252;"""Soviet fourth generation ballistic missiles. Ring a bell?""" text30253;"""I stared triumphantly at her, even raising my head a bit to look taller.""" text30254;"""Irina clearly had a hard time keeping a straight face.""" text30255;"""Perhaps.""" text30256;"""She said abruptly and stopped at a bench.""" text30257;"""I kept observing her gestures, movements, and facial expressions.""" text30258;"""It seemed that I actually had said something I couldn't have learned by myself, something that made her really interested.""" text30259;"""But she was afraid to show it, let me know that I acquired an ace.""" text30260;"""I need some time to discuss everything with HQ.""" text30261;"""She said coldly and took a seat.""" text30262;"""Wonderful! I could use a break as well.""" text30263;"""I take it you're tapping my phone?""" text30264;"""She nodded.""" text30265;"""In that case, when I call my grandparents again, that will be the signal. It'll mean I'm ready to continue our conversation.""" text30266;"""Irina raised her head and smiled unexpectedly.""" text30267;"""Well, good luck, Nikolai.""" text30268;"""…""" text30269;"""Once in the station I was hit with a cold sweat.""" text30270;"""The unexpected courage I had when talking to Irina evaporated at once, leaving behind only fear and slight panic.""" text30271;"""Of course, I had a choice — I could've remained silent, agreed, made peace with it, and forgotten.""" text30272;"""But I decided to take a risk, put everything I had at stake — my own life…""" text30273;"""The stakes were this high because the KGB clearly wasn't going to tolerate such deception.""" text30274;"""Naturally, I didn't have any documents. I wouldn't even have been able to say anything else if Irina had decided to question me further!""" text30275;"""But those ballistic missiles had turned out to be enough for her.""" text30276;"""God, what had my father been doing really?""" text30277;"""Selling Soviet research to the West (or, in our case — to the East)?""" text30278;"""I couldn't blame him, I just had no right to do that.""" text30279;"""At the same time, I wasn't feeling bad for the USSR or proud of Japan…""" text30280;"""I could only think of Himitsu!""" text30281;"""Approaching my home, I saw Ryunosuke-san's car parked in the yard.""" text30282;"""What was I supposed to do now…?""" text30283;"""Run! A desperate thought crossed my mind.""" text30284;"""With Himitsu gone, nothing was keeping me here.""" text30285;"""I could thrown my winter clothes, socks, and pants in a bag and ride into the sunset.""" text30286;"""Maybe to Osaka or Fukuoka.""" text30287;"""I could find a job there, rent a six tatami flat, then settle down, meet a girl.""" text30288;"""Something stung under my left shoulder blade.""" text30289;"""I was standing there and looking at Ryunosuke-san's car.""" text30290;"""A beat up sedan that must have served him for about two decades now.""" text30291;"""Were Japanese intelligence officers really paid so little?""" text30292;"""Suddenly, the front door of their house opened, and Himitsu's father himself walked out.""" text30293;"""He noticed me immediately, stopped for a moment, and then walked towards me with a firm gait.""" text30294;"""Are you waiting for someone, Nikolai?""" text30295;"""He asked in an impassive voice.""" text30296;"""No, just daydreaming.""" text30297;"""I drawled, looked him right in the eye, smirked and entered my yard.""" text30298;"""When I closed the door behind me, the sound of a car engine reached me from outside — Ryunosuke-san had left.""" text30299;"""He was probably pleased with himself for having solved the \""Anokhin problem\"" so deftly.""" text30300;"""People like him don't care about others' opinions or collateral damage — I was sure he didn't give a damn what Himitsu was feeling, as he was sure he knew what was better for her.""" text30301;"""Just a couple hours earlier I also thought I knew that — that she would be better off without me.""" text30302;"""But what did Himitsu herself think?""" text30303;"""I was making the same mistake again and again, deciding for other people.""" text30304;"""I definitely knew Himitsu would be better off without me!""" text30305;"""I definitely knew that she didn't want to see me!""" text30306;"""I definitely knew…""" text30307;"""But, maybe, it'd be easier to ask her?""" text30308;"""Even if after that I would need to leave Tokyo forever and work as a sailor on a fishing vessel!""" text30309;"""Then, at least, I would be sure that I'd done everything I could!""" text30310;"""And since I'd already started playing hero by lying to a KGB agent, why couldn't I make a Japanese intelligence officer my enemy too?!""" text30311;"""I counted the money in my wallet, packed a bag with a change of clothes, put on my jacket, and went to the railway station — I seriously couldn't afford a taxi this time.""" text30312;"""…""" text30313;"""You could write an entire book about the Japanese railway system.""" text30314;"""The metro, the commuter trains, the Shinkansen — you could get wherever you wanted in the least possible time.""" text30315;"""After reaching Shinjuku, I got off the train and stopped, perplexed.""" text30316;"""Hundreds of entrances and exits, dozens of railways and platforms, thousands of people walking around.""" text30317;"""This whole human anthill was pressing down on me without any chance to join in.""" text30318;"""I had only been here twice before and never could understand how Japanese people were able to orient themselves in this labyrinth of concrete, steel, and glass…""" text30319;"""As a foreigner, I felt that at some point Japanese engineers had completely lost their connection to reality and sacrificed common sense itself to functionality.""" text30320;"""It's a challenge to figure out Tokyo's transportation system without a college degree!""" text30321;"""Of course, no one had demanded them to erect towering memorials to the fathers of Communism like their Soviet colleagues did when designing Moscow's underground system…""" text30322;"""But to me, Shinjuku looked like a hundred-year-old turtle with its shell covered in blossoming wildflowers.""" text30323;"""One layer lay atop another, lines connecting to each other, ending, starting — and the passages…""" text30324;"""Endless passages, stairs, and escalators going up and down.""" text30325;"""Was it really necessary?""" text30326;"""And how was this different from socialism: ensuring convenience for many at the price of many inconveniences for each individual…?""" text30327;"""It must've taken me no less than three hours before I managed to figure out which line I needed to take, bought the ticket, and boarded the train.""" text30328;"""Evening was drawing near, and apart from me, the train car was only occupied by a young mother with a little girl of four years old or so.""" text30329;"""The girl was constantly whining, stomping her feet, jumping on her seat and shouting, shouting so loudly that my head started to hurt.""" text30330;"""Himitsu had always said that she loved children, but at that moment I couldn't even imagine that one day we would have a similar chaos generator of our own.""" text30331;"""We would have…""" text30332;"""I muttered and smirked.""" text30333;"""Mommy, look at this weird uncle!""" text30334;"""The girl shouted immediately.""" text30335;"""Oh please, calm down. I'm very sorry!""" text30336;"""She blushed heavily and lowered her head in apology.""" text30337;"""I gave a slight smile in response and kept looking out the window.""" text30338;"""This train was going to the capital of the neighboring prefecture — a relatively small distance by Japanese standards, so it was stopping at every station on its way.""" text30339;"""We had long left Tokyo and were slowly passing through small rural stations one after another.""" text30340;"""In the distance, a road mirrored the train tracks, the one I had used a week ago to get to Himitsu's village.""" text30341;"""It's surprising how the same landscape looks completely different from car's windows and a train's. Maybe it was because of the speed…""" text30342;"""Unremarkable settlements were slowly passing by, sleepy and deserted.""" text30343;"""Apparently, Saturday evening wasn't the most popular time for travelling.""" text30344;"""Conductors passed through the car occasionally, and vendors pushed their merrily jangling trolleys with food and beverages.""" text30345;"""A female vendor of formidable size gave me a pack of peanuts and a bottle of water, and a friendly — the kind only such corpulent saleswomen can — smile, taking my money.""" text30346;"""The unruly girl forced her mom to buy her ice cream, then a chocolate bar.""" text30347;"""I genuinely felt sorry for that poor young woman.""" text30348;"""She looked like she could be seventeen or eighteen, but I figured that she must've been five to seven years older.""" text30349;"""In any case, she would have to have had the child when she was twenty.""" text30350;"""And I was going to be twenty in two years. Entertaining arithmetic.""" text30351;"""…""" text30352;"""When the train slowly, as if it didn't really want to, stopped at the station I needed, the entire sky was covered with stars, as if somebody spilled sugar onto a black cloth.""" text30353;"""How brightly they were shining here, in the countryside, without the light pollution of Tokyo! It felt as if I'd found myself in a totally different world.""" text30354;"""I waved goodbye to the capricious girl and mentally wished her mom patience.""" text30355;"""The girl stuck her tongue out at me in response and made a grimace.""" text30356;"""Didn't think I'd be back here so soon…""" text30357;"""I sighed and walked out of the station.""" text30358;"""Just like many cities in the Soviet Union were built around factories and enterprises, numerous Japanese cities were built around hot springs.""" text30359;"""Thousands of such sleepy towns scattered across the entire country exist solely because of domestic tourism: onsens aren't the most popular entertainment among foreigners.""" text30360;"""Ryunosuke-san had to be in Tokyo, and more importantly he seemed confident I had no idea where Himitsu was, so I had a real chance to talk to her.""" text30361;"""He couldn't have set up guards for his daughter, after all! Although I could expect anything from this man…""" text30362;"""Despite everything, I was full of determination and confidently walked to the house of Himitsu's grandma.""" text30363;"""A huge сrescent was hanging in the sky, courteously illuminating the path, together with brightly shining stars.""" text30364;"""Each of these stars was, in fact, another sun, just like ours or maybe a hundred times brighter.""" text30365;"""And the inhabitants of other planets could be looking up into their violet or green sky, seeing the dim spark of our sun as it was flying at incredible speed across the emptiness of a far corner of the galaxy, pulling our Earth along.""" text30366;"""I doubted they were troubled by the same things I was, and, most likely, their biochemistry wasn't carbon-based — so they physically couldn't experience love.""" text30367;"""Was I thus acknowledging that love is merely a chemical process, a reaction of hormones in the body…?""" text30368;"""The lights in the house were on.""" text30369;"""I stopped — all my determination seemed to have disappeared at once.""" text30370;"""I hadn't even come up with the words I was going to say!""" text30371;"""After catching my breath, I slowly walked to the front door and knocked.""" text30372;"""After some time I heard slow steps coming from inside the house — it sounded as if someone was dragging something along the floor.""" text30373;"""Coming!""" text30374;"""An old woman's voice sounded, and soon the door opened.""" text30375;"""Err… Good evening.""" text30376;"""I recognized Himitsu's grandmother. Since our last meeting she seemed to have grown fifty years older, not five…""" text30377;"""Niko-kun?""" text30378;"""She squinted her weak-sighted eyes but didn't look particularly surprised.""" text30379;"""Yes. I'm sorry for coming so late, but… I know that Himitsu is here. And I really need to talk to her.""" text30380;"""Himitsu-chan… No, she isn't here.""" text30381;"""The old lady went silent, as if gathering her thoughts.""" text30382;"""She and her father came here a week ago, but today she…""" text30383;"""…isn't here.""" text30384;"""The top of her head barely reached my chest, but she was managing to block the entire passage — and behind her, I couldn't see what was happening inside the house.""" text30385;"""My attempts to see whether Himitsu's shoes were sitting on the genkan were futile.""" text30386;"""But look…""" text30387;"""However, arguing with the old woman was foolish and simply pointless.""" text30388;"""I couldn't break into her house!""" text30389;"""Besides, if Himitsu had really wanted to, she could've come out herself.""" text30390;"""Maybe I was wrong!""" text30391;"""Well, alright, sorry then.""" text30392;"""Have a safe trip.""" text30393;"""Himitsu's grandmother said briefly and hurried to close the door.""" text30394;"""That was strange though!""" text30395;"""I was sure that in a different situation she would've mentioned the fact that it was dark already and asked if I wanted to stay the night.""" text30396;"""I slowly walked away from the house and gave it a farewell look.""" text30397;"""Was Himitsu really not there?""" text30398;"""The best way to hide something is to put it out in the open, right?""" text30399;"""Although her father didn't seem to think so.""" text30400;"""Suddenly, I saw someone's silhouette in a window covered by a bamboo grate.""" text30401;"""The paper frame slid to the side, and I saw Himitsu.""" text30402;"""I was about to run to her, but she quickly shook her head, letting me know that it wasn't a good idea.""" text30403;"""I froze in hesitation.""" text30404;"""She was looking at me through the dusk of the autumn night with agony in her big green eyes.""" text30405;"""And then it became clear to me""" text30406;"""She didn't want to see me.""" text30407;"""…""" text30408;"""I found a hotel to stay at after I returned to town.""" text30409;"""It was a typical ryokan — I'd been in other ones before on school trips.""" text30410;"""I had to keep knocking on the door for quite a while before the sleepy host finally let me in.""" text30411;"""Then it took another ten minutes to explain to her what I needed so late at night.""" text30412;"""Japanese people in rural areas wake up and go to bed early.""" text30413;"""Finally, she took me to one of the rooms and walked off to finish watching her dreams.""" text30414;"""The hotel looked perfectly ordinary inside as well.""" text30415;"""I didn't know what I'd expected, or if I'd expected anything at all — well, definitely not a suite.""" text30416;"""A simple futon was going to do just fine.""" text30417;"""In American movies, any hotel room infalliably has a mini-bar.""" text30418;"""I wouldn't refuse the luxury — but all I had was a jug of water.""" text30419;"""My head was treacherously empty, I could only see Himitsu's face before me again and again.""" text30420;"""\""Leave!\"" — it seemed to be screaming at me.""" text30421;"""So, I'd come here for nothing?""" text30422;"""It was all for nothing: Shinjuku station, the long hours on the train, the girl sticking her tongue out, even the sky full of stars.""" text30423;"""For nothing…""" text30424;"""There was something else in Himitsu's eyes, but I couldn't grasp what exactly.""" text30425;"""It clearly wasn't anger, resentment, or even surprise.""" text30426;"""No, she wasn't banishing me — only letting me know it wasn't the right time.""" text30427;"""I plopped onto the floor and looked at my reflection in the dark TV screen.""" text30428;"""Its convex surface was distorting reality and showing the room as frames of a silent, monochromatic film.""" text30429;"""This odd reflection looked ten years older than me.""" text30430;"""An unfamiliar, alien, tired, haggard face stared at me with colorless eyes.""" text30431;"""The person locked on the other side of the screen seemed to have accepted his position as prisoner of a crooked mirror.""" text30432;"""And had accepted it a while ago — no one ends up like this right away.""" text30433;"""Was it really me…?""" text30434;"""What did Himitsu really want? This question popped into my head again…""" text30435;"""Could she go against her father's will now, when he was so determined?""" text30436;"""And if she couldn't resist herself, there was no one but me to help her.""" text30437;"""I knew that sounded silly and presumptuous.""" text30438;"""I went so far with my introspections that I imagined myself as her protector, a brave knight ready to do anything in the name of love, the only person capable of opposing the monster Ryunosuke Ito…""" text30439;"""No matter if it was silly and naïve, at that minute I was ready to do anything for the sake of love.""" text30440;"""So I decided to fight until the end.""" text30441;"""Though I also decided to postpone the fight until tomorrow and fell asleep without even taking my clothes off."""