text29692;"""I was woken up by the officious ring of my alarm clock.""" text29693;"""But I immediately made the difficult decision to keep sleeping and turned it off with a single accurate hit.""" text29694;"""Irina's recommendations regarding maintaining my normal lifestyle didn't bother me anymore, and it was silly to expect Himitsu to come.""" text29695;"""Yesterday's distress returned right away, making my head feel as if it were swelling up like the inner tube of an old tire.""" text29696;"""…""" text29697;"""I woke up again at eleven o'clock, and as luck would have it, I felt rested and refreshed.""" text29698;"""I was always extremely annoyed by this kind of contrast between mental and physical conditions: you want to hang yourself but can run a marathon.""" text29699;"""After forcing myself to take a shower, I walked to the kitchen.""" text29700;"""It turned out that Catherine and I hadn't bought as much food as I thought — it was, more or less, just enough for breakfast.""" text29701;"""Over and over, I kept thinking about how Himitsu wouldn't come anymore — she wouldn't bring food or make a delicious dinner…""" text29702;"""Then, it was time — at eighteen years old! — to learn how to take care of myself.""" text29703;"""I didn't know if I had really reconciled myself with the loss of Himitsu, but I needed to move on somehow.""" text29704;"""Besides, it would be great if I could buy some new plates to replace the ones she had broken.""" text29705;"""The sunshine was friendly but already autumn-appropriate cold.""" text29706;"""Which didn't stop the people on the street from smiling and looking wonderfully happy.""" text29707;"""Here was a child with his mom, laughing and holding a balloon's string in his little fist.""" text29708;"""If I had a hundred of those, I would've hung myself with them and then flown over Tokyo for the sake of the world's entertainment!""" text29709;"""When you feel bad, others always seem to be doing much better than you…""" text29710;"""Half an hour later I reached the office of my bank to withdraw some money.""" text29711;"""Sometimes I wished to have been born earlier and participated in the student strikes in the sixties, to cast off the chains of capitalism in righteous anger together with my comrades!""" text29712;"""But then, almost every month I would come here, and, with my head lowered, wait for a friendly clerk in a window to give me the money I needed to live.""" text29713;"""That's how the noble intentions of another young guy were broken against the harsh cliffs of reality.""" text29714;"""…""" text29715;"""Today however, it seemed like the entire world was against me!""" text29716;"""The nameless clerk in his grey suit, with a theatrically concerned expression, informed me that my bank account had been blocked!""" text29717;"""I argued with him for a good half an hour, raised my voice, even shouted — it was all pointless… I was never given a reason why.""" text29718;"""It even took the help of the guards to get me out of the bank.""" text29719;"""I sat down on the bench outside and tried to catch my breath.""" text29720;"""One thing was clear — it was no coincidence or accident, coincidences like this simply didn't exist!""" text29721;"""The KGB? Kobayashi Corporation? Japanese intelligence, Himitsu's father?""" text29722;"""When it rains, it pours…""" text29723;"""Or, to be more precise, when it seems that things can't get worse, life will always surprise you!""" text29724;"""I didn't know what to do now, I didn't even want to think about it.""" text29725;"""Surprisingly, I had never been troubled by the thought of what I would I do when I ran out of money.""" text29726;"""Or, to be exact, I had only thought about it in an abstract, philosophical context.""" text29727;"""Like I would go to work… Maybe become a shop assistant or get another job where they don't require a degree.""" text29728;"""However, I never believed that it would really happen!""" text29729;"""During this year and a half, my monthly visits to the bank seemed completely natural and unquestionable to me.""" text29730;"""Even though any normal person in my place would've first asked themselves where the money was coming from!""" text29731;"""My father's bank account… Maybe — but this explanation only raised new questions.""" text29732;"""Perhaps I was just afraid to think about it and learn the truth — or break my once-established lifestyle.""" text29733;"""Maybe not the best one, limping with both legs, but without any turmoil or disturbances. And with Himitsu.""" text29734;"""…""" text29735;"""I was sitting there, dazed, for an hour, but eventually began to come to my senses.""" text29736;"""It was time to call Ichinose again!""" text29737;"""He had told me that I shouldn't trouble him for anything insignificant, but my life wasn't insignificant!""" text29738;"""And I couldn't survive in this world of victorious capitalism and Japanese economic miracles without money!""" text29739;"""I basically sprinted into my house, grabbed the receiver and dialled the number from memory with shaking hands.""" text29740;"""The dial tone seemed to continue forever, my heart managing to beat multiple times every second.""" text29741;"""No reply.""" text29742;"""I called again and again, but with no success.""" text29743;"""Alright, I needed to calm down!""" text29744;"""Maybe they just went out to do some shopping…""" text29745;"""Yeah, I guess they did! After all, they need to eat something!""" text29746;"""I looked at the clock — it was one o'clock. A good time to buy some groceries…""" text29747;"""Groceries, God damn it! When I had nothing to eat myself!""" text29748;"""I furiously kicked the nightstand.""" text29749;"""I wanted to hit my phone — but instantly realized that if I broke it, I would have no money to buy a new one.""" text29750;"""My situation was getting more and more serious.""" text29751;"""Why didn't they just kill me?""" text29752;"""It would be easier for everyone. Including me, I guess…""" text29753;"""Besides, Maslow was right with his hierarchy… My stomach growled, and I realized: if I didn't do something, then the breakfast made of the remains of Catherine's shopping would become my last meal for today.""" text29754;"""But who could I ask for advice or help?""" text29755;"""I dialed Ichinose's nephew's number again, and again nobody responded.""" text29756;"""I recalled an old film, in which a policeman was interrogating a suspect.""" text29757;"""A tiny, poorly lit room, a little table in the middle of it, and a dim lamp with a wide shade, drowning in clouds of cigarette smoke.""" text29758;"""The detective with his sleeves rolled leaned up the table and asked the suspect: \""How did you end up here?\""""" text29759;"""The film was probably made in the 1950s — the actors' profiles seemed to be сarved out of stone: big noses, wide, strong-willed foreheads, eyebrows pulled together, and plastered, swept back hair.""" text29760;"""I imagined myself on the other end of the table.""" text29761;"""How did you end up here, Nikolai?""" text29762;"""Out of all the people I knew, Ryunosuke-san seemed to resemble that detective the most…""" text29763;"""Just like last night, I was seized by a fit of nervous laughter.""" text29764;"""Okay, now things definitely couldn't get worse!""" text29765;"""My brain started to work feverishly.""" text29766;"""Kagome was the only person who could know more about my situation!""" text29767;"""I ran out of my house and hurried to school, hoping that I could make it.""" text29768;"""On my way to school I was desperately trying to recall how many classes we were supposed to have today, but the lack of oxygen was making blood pulsate in my head and it was hard to focus.""" text29769;"""Someone might find a catty irony in the fact that my last hope was Kagome.""" text29770;"""Not Stanley Kubrick's kind irony, but rather Alfred Hitchcock's painful sarcasm.""" text29771;"""Finally, I saw the school around the corner and stopped, completely exhausted.""" text29772;"""Groups of students were walking down the street, and I recognized a few classmates, which meant that classes were over already…""" text29773;"""With one last push, I virtually flew through the gates…""" text29774;"""And came face-to-face with Kagome.""" text29775;"""At least, I was lucky with something.""" text29776;"""You… You… You….!""" text29777;"""I was wheezing, desperately sucking air through my mouth.""" text29778;"""Have you gone totally mad?!""" text29779;"""Kagome hissed, took me by the arm, and pulled me aside.""" text29780;"""You're exactly the person I need!""" text29781;"""I finally articulated.""" text29782;"""We need to talk!""" text29783;"""Well, not here…""" text29784;"""Why not?""" text29785;"""Nothing, let's go!""" text37336;"""She abruptly jerked her head in the direction of the school gates and gave me a harsh look.""" text29786;"""Iwamura walked fast, and I was barely managing to keep up, exhausted from the long run.""" text29787;"""Some time later, we found ourselves in a trade district.""" text29788;"""Let's go to a café?""" text29789;"""She asked, seemingly casually.""" text29790;"""Yeah, why no—""" text29791;"""I wanted to agree but immediately interrupted myself.""" text29792;"""I can't really… Got no money. That's part of my problem.""" text29793;"""Kagome looked at me closely, as if studying me, testing my reactions to stimuli like a lab rat.""" text29794;"""You seem a bit different today…""" text29795;"""Different?""" text29796;"""Well, more polite, I guess.""" text29797;"""She was clearly about to get angry but smiled instead.""" text29798;"""Looks like you really have something to say.""" text29799;"""We stopped by an electronics shop.""" text29800;"""Just recently I wanted to buy a new TV, but I'd been too stingy to.""" text29801;"""And what had happened to that stinginess now, when I was choked with hunger?""" text29802;"""It was doubly unpleasant to realize that the things normally available to me just yesterday had become a luxury.""" text29803;"""Well? I'm listening. I hope you aren't going to ask me to lend you some money!""" text29804;"""No…""" text29805;"""\""Well, definitely not you!\"" — I thought to myself.""" text29806;"""Have you found out anything new about our case?""" text29807;"""Our case?""" text29808;"""Kagome's loud laughter sounded somewhat unnatural.""" text29809;"""Since when do we have any cases in common?""" text29810;"""You know what I'm talking about.""" text29811;"""Maybe, but I've already solved my problem. And without your help, do note.""" text29812;"""Solved? How…?""" text29813;"""I froze, dumbfounded.""" text29814;"""Doesn't matter, it's none of your business. And never was.""" text29815;"""It seemed that there was a fight happening inside of her — whether she should've told me more.""" text29816;"""But in the end, Kagome looked at me again, and her eyes became cold and focused.""" text29817;"""Try to understand, I'm in a desperate situation, and it's getting worse by the day!""" text29818;"""What do I have to do with it? How have you helped me? How much have you told me?""" text29819;"""I've told you everything I know.""" text29820;"""Although, of course, that was a lie.""" text29821;"""And it made me feel even worse — if I had treated Kagome differently in the past, who knows…""" text29822;"""You don't even believe what you're saying. I can see it in your eyes.""" text29823;"""Oh, so you're a mind reader now?""" text29824;"""I snapped at her.""" text29825;"""Well, nothing to talk about then…""" text29826;"""She sighed and turned away, preparing to leave.""" text29827;"""Wait!""" text29828;"""I said loudly and grabbed her by hand.""" text29829;"""Kagome started to shake.""" text29830;"""Don't touch me.""" text29831;"""She said quietly but didn't try to break free.""" text29832;"""Sorry… I just have nobody else to turn to! It's true.""" text29833;"""I believe that.""" text29834;"""She replied quietly with her back turned to me.""" text29835;"""But it doesn't change anything. I couldn't help you even if I wanted to.""" text29836;"""My arms fell impotently, and this time, I didn't stop her.""" text29837;"""…""" text29838;"""I was slowly walking home, and, when passing the school building, I saw Michael.""" text29839;"""The light of hope once again lit up in the darkness of my life.""" text29840;"""Michael!""" text29841;"""He stopped and looked at me emotionlessly.""" text29842;"""Hi!""" text29843;"""I greeted him a bit too enthusiastically, coming closer.""" text29844;"""Michael merely nodded slightly.""" text29845;"""You're a bit late today.""" text29846;"""There was something I needed to discuss with the teachers.""" text29847;"""I see…""" text29848;"""Did you want to talk about something?""" text29849;"""Yeah, you see, I got a problem — my bank transaction got delayed and…""" text29850;"""I was lying shamelessly.""" text29851;"""Could you lend me some money? It's just until Monday, and then I'm going to handle it!""" text29852;"""Nothing serious — just a little hitch, so to say.""" text29853;"""Michael gave a somewhat supercilious look.""" text29854;"""Don't you think you're asking the wrong person?""" text29855;"""I don't need much… Ten thousand yen would do…""" text29856;"""I would've loved to see this fervor when I needed something from you.""" text29857;"""Catherine… Her again.""" text29858;"""Michael clearly had a crush on her, and I had been more or less telling him to fuck off at the smallest hint of a conversation on the topic.""" text29859;"""Yeah, I'm sorry, that wasn't really… I mean, I understand how I acted wasn't… good… But it's a really extreme situation, bro!""" text29860;"""Michael seemed to even wince at my \""bro\"".""" text29861;"""Nick…""" text29862;"""He sighed eventually and closed his eyes wearily.""" text29863;"""I will not lend you money.""" text29864;"""I just need…""" text29865;"""And I will not apologize for that. I hope you understand why.""" text29866;"""My stomach seemed to drop, and I felt as if I grew smaller.""" text29867;"""Okay, do you know if Kyosuke is still at school?""" text29868;"""He left with the others around an hour ago.""" text29869;"""Which meant he was home by now.""" text29870;"""Although it was equally possible he could be at the arcades or at a manga store.""" text29871;"""Well, don't hold a grudge, see you!""" text29872;"""I walked past him and waved my hand without looking back.""" text29873;"""Naturally, I was pissed at Michael!""" text29874;"""Kagome with all her problems was one thing — after all, her father had been kidnapped.""" text29875;"""But Michael and ten thousand yen!""" text29876;"""It was barely a sum for him, while for me it would be enough to live another week!""" text29877;"""Again with his stupid principles and straightforwardness.""" text29878;"""I couldn't understand that at all.""" text29879;"""First he needed a kiss-off in regards to Catherine – a green light, nothing more than that…""" text29880;"""And now what was that?! Revenge…?""" text29881;"""It was too banal and rude for a person like him.""" text29882;"""Maybe there was an educational element in all this, but that was even worse!""" text29883;"""Wanted to teach me a lesson, freak?""" text29884;"""I сlenched my fists so hard that they became blue and ground my teeth.""" text29885;"""And immediately I felt disgusted with myself.""" text29886;"""I was ready to break the face of one of my few friends for a lousy ten thousand yen?!""" text29887;"""To hell with Catherine, and everything that had happened recently.""" text29888;"""Is this really what I've become…? On my own, without any help from others.""" text29889;"""It was that period in Tokyo's weather when the season really started to stand apart from summer.""" text29890;"""Just a couple of weeks ago, three, four o'clock would've been the middle of the afternoon, but now I could feel the evening approach.""" text29891;"""My only salvation was Kyosuke, so I reluctantly walked to his place.""" text29892;"""My rotund friend lived really close to our school.""" text29893;"""I would've been surprised if that hadn't been the case.""" text29894;"""I couldn't imagine Kyosuke jostling in a сrowded train carriage every day!""" text29895;"""His family lived in a relatively elite apartment complex, by local standards.""" text29896;"""His mother was a housewife, while his father was some kind of government official.""" text29897;"""They weren't the richest family at our school and definitely no match for the Kobayashi clan, but that was one of the things I liked about Kyosuke.""" text29898;"""Ten minutes later I was sitting in his room with a cup of tea courteously offered by his mom.""" text29899;"""As it often happens, she was setting me as an example to Kyosuke, sincerely believing that I was more hard-working and generally better socially adapted. What a naive woman!""" text29900;"""Kyosuke himself naturally always reacted painfully to these comparisons but never blamed me for them.""" text29901;"""His room looked like the lair of a true otaku: posters on the walls, manga and videotapes on the shelves.""" text29902;"""Despite the fact that his mother cleaned here regularly, nothing seemed to be in order.""" text29903;"""Hi there! What are we going to do?""" text29904;"""It seemed that Kyosuke was genuinely delighted to see me.""" text29905;"""I have something to discuss.""" text29906;"""But to ask him for money like that, without any preamble… It didn't work with Michael.""" text29907;"""I've been really busy recently — can't even find the time to go to school.""" text29908;"""Yeah, I don't see you there often these days…""" text29909;"""He said seriously and continued in a lighter tone:""" text29910;"""You'll never believe what Kurosaki did!""" text29911;"""That seemed to be the name of the guy whose face I'd punched at the school gate.""" text29912;"""It seemed to have happen so long ago… as if in another life.""" text29913;"""What?""" text29914;"""I asked out of politeness.""" text29915;"""He came to school totally drunk!""" text29916;"""Even I've never done that.""" text29917;"""Yeah! That's what I'm saying!""" text29918;"""I didn't know who this Kurosaki was, and I didn't care.""" text29919;"""I wonder what the principal told him.""" text29920;"""They say he might get expelled.""" text29921;"""Well, he probably deserves it.""" text29922;"""You don't even know who Kurosaki is, right?""" text29923;"""Kyosuke squinted slyly at me and leaned on the flimsy table with his whole massive body.""" text29924;"""I know. Of course I do!""" text29925;"""However, I still couldn't stand looking him in the eye and looked away.""" text29926;"""Okay Nick, tell me what's up. You're a shitty liar anyway!""" text29927;"""I've got a problem with my bank — just a liiittle thing… The end of the month, they're flat out, you know…""" text29928;"""They have some sort of glitch in their system — so I couldn't withdraw money from my account.""" text29929;"""Judging by Kyosuke's look, I could see that he understood nothing.""" text29930;"""Anyway, can you lend me some money?""" text29931;"""I summed it up in a more serious tone.""" text29932;"""This isn't the best time, Nick… It's the end of the month for me too — I'll get my pocket money next week, and I still wanted to buy some tankobons.""" text29933;"""Kyosuke, damn it, I have nothing to eat and you're still talking about your manga!""" text29934;"""What, it's that bad?""" text29935;"""He looked genuinely concerned.""" text29936;"""Yes.""" text29937;"""Will you tell me what happened?""" text29938;"""No.""" text29939;"""Hah, but when it comes to asking for money—""" text29940;"""So you won't lend me any?""" text29941;"""I interrupted him rudely.""" text29942;"""It's not about money, Nick, don't you understand?""" text29943;"""I hesitated for some time.""" text29944;"""Was it a good idea to tell him the truth?""" text29945;"""I wasn't worried about Kyosuke's safety but was genuinely concerned that he wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut.""" text29946;"""I'm in some trouble.""" text29947;"""That's what you need friends for!""" text29948;"""He gave me a too wide smile, which even made me shudder a bit.""" text29949;"""No histrionics now! We're not in an anime!""" text29950;"""Unfortunately.""" text29951;"""To a certain extent, I was positive that Kyosuke would give me money even if he didn't learn the entire truth.""" text29952;"""At the same time, I came to a clear realization that I had pushed away everyone I could and in a lot of senses put myself in this situation.""" text29953;"""Do you have anything stronger?""" text29954;"""I sighed with an unhappy smirk, fidgeting the cup of tea in my hands and started:""" text29955;"""I hope you've noticed that my life has been pretty fucked up lately… Well, it turned out that my parent's death wasn't an accident.""" text29956;"""I got contacted by KGB agents, and, later — by Japanese intelligence.""" text29957;"""I prudently decided not to tell him about Himitsu's father.""" text29958;"""It's all somehow related to my father's work, but I don't know much about it myself.""" text29959;"""Kyosuke was listening to me with his mouth open.""" text29960;"""Suddenly his face brightened as if he finally realized something important, the corners of his mouth went up, and he squinted happily.""" text29961;"""Are you and Michael trying to play a trick on me? Did you think that I would buy that so easily?! No way!""" text29962;"""God damn it, Kyosuke, you don't joke about this stuff!""" text29963;"""I smashed my fist down on the table, and the tea got spilt all over the place and covered the magazines that lay on it.""" text29964;"""Sorry, just be a bit more serious…""" text29965;"""I took some napkins and started to wipe the table.""" text29966;"""So what are you going to do now?""" text29967;"""It seemed that he finally figured out that I was indeed not doing well.""" text29968;"""Well, for starters I could eat something.""" text29969;"""I can help with that!""" text29970;"""He replied confidently.""" text29971;"""…""" text29972;"""Kyosuke's mom, as rotund as him, made food for the slaughter, so to say.""" text29973;"""One of her standard portions would do a normal person for several days.""" text29974;"""Even normally everything was incredibly delicious, but now I was eating like Mayakovsky's ichthyosaurus.""" text29975;"""Her food, infalliably fried, always came with incredible amounts of oil and fat, spices, salts, and herbs.""" text29976;"""Kyosuke himself was eating so actively he was sweating.""" text29977;"""After we finished this celebration of hedonism, we returned to his room.""" text29978;"""Fuh…""" text29979;"""I was saying in a half-whisper — I couldn't even breathe normally.""" text29980;"""If I lived here, I'd end up having a heart attack!""" text29981;"""Leave off!""" text29982;"""Alright, back to our talk…""" text29983;"""His face instantly turned serious.""" text29984;"""Are you in danger?""" text29985;"""I don't know… I guess so. The question is — what kind of danger?""" text29986;"""I didn't want to scare Kyosuke too much, given he was impressionable enough already.""" text29987;"""I don't think they want to kill me — otherwise I'd be long dead. But ruining my life is another matter.""" text29988;"""Maybe you could go to the police?""" text29989;"""What do you think, provided that Japanese intelligence is involved…?""" text29990;"""Yeah, right…""" text29991;"""He bit his lip and started to think.""" text29992;"""So, what about…""" text29993;"""Ah, yeah-yeah-yeah!""" text29994;"""Kyosuke began to fuss about and picked up a wallet from the table.""" text29995;"""I don't have much here… That's all.""" text29996;"""He gave me a thin bundle.""" text29997;"""I started to count.""" text29998;"""If you want, I could ask more from my mom… I can come up with an excuse.""" text29999;"""It was almost thirty thousand yen.""" text30000;"""Alright, no need, that should do for now.""" text30001;"""And thank you!""" text30002;"""Not at all! If I can help you with anything else, just let me know.""" text30003;"""Definitely.""" text30004;"""And, uh, Nick… Don't disappear!""" text30005;"""He looked me in the eye.""" text30006;"""I'll do my best.""" text30007;"""I smiled weakly and stood up.""" text30008;"""Kyosuke was shaking my hand firmly for quite some time, bidding farewell.""" text30009;"""I'd probably never been so meticulous at choosing groceries, guided mainly by their prices.""" text30010;"""What is more, I had hardly ever even looked at the prices before!""" text30011;"""It came as a surprise to me that there was a certain point in buying paper plates — they were cheap, and I at least didn't have to wash them…""" text30012;"""But, seriously speaking, the minimum amount of groceries necessary for my survival didn't turn out to be as expensive as I expected.""" text30013;"""Of course, in different circumstances I would've taken a good pile of sweets, chips, or even steak meat.""" text30014;"""It was getting colder and colder in Tokyo.""" text30015;"""Even if the temperature on the thermometer wasn't changing much yet, my gut, with some kind of internal thermometer of its own, warned of the inevitable coming of the cold.""" text30016;"""I was always surprised by a sort of symmetry of the seasons — autumn and spring.""" text30017;"""September much resembles May, while November is closer to March.""" text30018;"""Although there are also many differences in their mood.""" text30019;"""Spring is the time of new hope, while autumn is a sober period for wise thinking about life.""" text30020;"""Or useless introspection, in my case.""" text30021;"""Loaded with food bags and household supplies, I approached my house when the sun was already setting in the west, painting the entire horizon red.""" text30022;"""Somebody was sitting on the stairs.""" text30023;"""Someone wearing our school uniform… I instantly grew hopeful.""" text30024;"""However, it turned out to be just Saya-chan.""" text30025;"""Hi there!""" text30026;"""I said in Russian.""" text30027;"""Huh?""" text30028;"""She raised her head and looked at me with bewilderment — it seemed she had fallen asleep.""" text30029;"""You're back, finally!""" text30030;"""Saya quickly regained her senses.""" text30031;"""Would you like to explain yourself?""" text30032;"""So what am I guilty of this time?""" text30033;"""As if you don't know yourself!""" text30034;"""I put the bags on the ground and let out a tense sigh.""" text30035;"""I don't.""" text30036;"""And here I thought we'd started to get along at least little bit after the karaoke.""" text30037;"""Himitsu. What happened? Why did she change schools and leave Tokyo in the middle of the school year?""" text30038;"""What? Is that a joke?""" text30039;"""I smiled idiotically, and Saya continued with even more pressure in her voice.""" text30040;"""You want to tell me you don't know? Figures… She got so fed up of you that she just ran away!""" text30041;"""What do you mean \""left Tokyo\""? Her house is…""" text30042;"""I turned around and looked across the road — the lights were off, and it seemed that nobody was home.""" text30043;"""I instantly recalled yesterday's noise — Ryunosuke-san's shouts and the squeal of the tires of a departing car.""" text30044;"""I slowly sat down on the stairs next to Saya.""" text30045;"""Tell me everything!""" text30046;"""Our teacher told us today that Himitsu transferred to another school. He didn't want to say which one. But I'm the class representative and managed to find out that this school isn't in Tokyo.""" text30047;"""Where then?""" text30048;"""Saya said the name of the prefecture.""" text30049;"""Yeah, right — Himitsu had been taken to her grandmother.""" text30050;"""Which meant that Ryunosuke didn't know about me eavesdropping on him a week ago… Otherwise he would've chosen a different place.""" text30051;"""Wait, so you really didn't know?""" text30052;"""Saya asked seriously.""" text30053;"""Imagine that. Himitsu has things in her life that have nothing to do with me. For a while now…""" text30054;"""What could've happened that made her leave without even telling me?""" text30055;"""Do you really think you mean so much in her life?""" text30056;"""We're best friends!""" text30057;"""Saya protested.""" text30058;"""Then you should realize that she must've had a very good reason.""" text30059;"""But… why then?""" text30060;"""I didn't reply, looking in the direction where, as far as I imagined, her grandmother's village was.""" text30061;"""With the backdrop of the sunset, the buildings in the distance looked absolutely dark, the yellow sheen of the windows, like stigmata, piercing them in places.""" text30062;"""Tokyo was reminding me of the ghost city from the novel \""I am Legend\"".""" text30063;"""Hey!""" text30064;"""The insurmountable influence of a third party.""" text30065;"""I replied vaguely and regretted that I hadn't bought anything to drink at the store.""" text30066;"""There you go again! Acting like it has nothing to do with you at all!""" text30067;"""How am I supposed to act, huh?!""" text30068;"""I lost my temper, but immediately fell silent, realizing that I couldn't explain anything to Saya without disclosing all the details.""" text30069;"""If you have something to say, say it to her father! It wasn't her decision.""" text30070;"""Wasn't her decision?""" text30071;"""Saya asked with surprise, and that made me even angrier.""" text30072;"""Of course it wasn't! You say you know her… or, at least, you believe so. Do you really believe she could just pack up and run away? Because it looks like running away, don't you think?""" text30073;"""Yes, running from you!""" text30074;"""So what do you think I could have done to make her drop everything and run away?""" text30075;"""Just think about it, it's nonsense! If she could just leave that easily because of me, she would've done it long ago!""" text30076;"""And don't look at me like that — I know, I am not an idiot!""" text30077;"""So then what happened?""" text30078;"""Whatever happened, happened. And there's no way of fixing it now.""" text30079;"""Are you sure? Maybe now is the best time!""" text30080;"""I turned to Saya — she seemed to be talking to herself.""" text30081;"""If all you're saying… If it's true, then now is the time to prove your sincerety.""" text30082;"""This isn't a knightly tournament.""" text30083;"""Yeah, you're right. Maybe, you finally got the chance to get rid of that constant attention from Himitsu and be together with that foreign girl or whoever you want to be with…""" text30084;"""Himitsu was giving you so much trouble! With all her breakfasts, dinners, bento, constant lectures, and care for you…""" text30085;"""Enough!""" text30086;"""Her words were painfully jabbing at my heart.""" text30087;"""What, feeling uncomfortable? Why? That's what you've been trying to achieve with everything you've done!""" text30088;"""Suddenly, she stood up and looked me up and down with pity in her eyes.""" text30089;"""Or would you say I'm wrong?""" text30090;"""I was quiet, unable to raise my eyes.""" text30091;"""I have nothing else to say.""" text30092;"""Saya left, and I kept sitting on the stairs, lonely and broken.""" text30093;"""The truth is still the truth, even if it's not said aloud…""" text30094;"""But, God spare me, sometimes it's better not to remember it at all!""" text30095;"""…""" text30096;"""I decided not to cook dinner, dropped the groceries in the kitchen without even putting them in the fridge, and fell into bed.""" text30097;"""That conversation with Saya finished me off.""" text30098;"""Her words echoed in my head with a dull pain.""" text30099;"""I really had been constantly irritated by Himitsu's meddling, and deep inside I probably didn't want her to stand in the way of my relationship with Catherine.""" text30100;"""Well, now she really wasn't!""" text30101;"""There was no Catherine, no relationship, no Himitsu… Not in my life.""" text30102;"""And it wasn't even important who initiated Himitsu's move — her father or her after catching Catherine at my place.""" text30103;"""Probably for the first time in my life I didn't care about the reasons anymore. What did they matter anyway!""" text30104;"""Himitsu had always been around — as a loyal friend, as a loving sister and caring mother, as a patient wife and a grandma always ready to spoil.""" text30105;"""And now she was gone…""" text30106;"""Had I ever thought about what Himitsu felt, even once in my life?""" text30107;"""Yes, occasionally I was ashamed of my behavior and attitude toward her — but that's not the same thing!""" text30108;"""How does it feel to spend years next to the person you love, and realize that for him you are something like a combination of a kitchen unit, a washing machine, a vacuum cleaner, and an old, grunting radiogramophone?""" text30109;"""I was a bastard not only because I was taking Himitsu's love for granted, but first and foremost because I couldn't give a final answer either to her or to myself.""" text30110;"""Now it seemed to me that she would've understood if I had said that I loved Catherine and couldn't continue playing family any longer.""" text30111;"""After all, she had been doing all this only when the hope that I would reciprocate had still been alive somewhere deep in her heart.""" text30112;"""If I had killed that hope — no matter how cruel it would've been to her in the moment — Himitsu could've moved on.""" text30113;"""And in the end she could've broken free of this vicious cycle, and then, who knows, possibly found happiness.""" text30114;"""But that was what I should've done a long time ago, and now — as I realized it more and more clearly — my only desire was to bring her back!""" text30115;"""I'd only spent a couple of days without Himitsu, only spent a couple day with the realization that I was lonely — irreparably and forever — and I finally understood so much!""" text30116;"""They say that a fool doesn't learn even from his own mistakes…""" text30117;"""I always thought that pain was the best stimulus and teacher.""" text30118;"""The feeling of danger, the fear of the unknown, the dread of losing something meaningful — in our modern society, they replaced instincts refined over millions of years, instincts necessary for survival.""" text30119;"""I lost Himitsu, and it made me feel like a caveman who left his lair in the morning to find his fruit grove destroyed by a hurricane.""" text30120;"""Had he thought just yesterday that this grove was, perhaps, his only source of food?""" text30121;"""Had he cherished it, taken care of it, watered it?""" text30122;"""Such thoughts never even crossed his mind!""" text30123;"""Suspended in a half-dream, my memory was again and again returning to the moments when we were happy.""" text30124;"""I remembered how we met, her first day at middle school, the first time we were making a snowman…""" text30125;"""Ten years fell away like beads from a broken jar.""" text30126;"""Himitsu most likely remembered more than I — after all, remembering details is a typical feminine trait.""" text30127;"""For her, every day that had been a part of an endless grey background to me, bloomed with different colors, stroke after stroke.""" text30128;"""Washing clothes, cleaning, breakfast, lunch, dinner — into everything she did for the person she loved, she was putting a tiny bit of herself.""" text30129;"""Things that were empty and pointless from my perspective — the perspective of a person who was only thinking about his own place in the world due to lacking any other worries — were filled with meaning only she could understand.""" text30130;"""The greater meaning — not the monolithic one, like the philosophical Verity, but rather comprised of an endless amount of tiny daily duties, just like atoms are comprised of particles, molecules are comprised of atoms, and that warm winter sweater Himitsu had knitted for me for New Year's is comprised of her love.""" text30131;"""My love for Catherine was a manifestation of the greater feeling, an ideal image of romanticism beyond any boundaries or conditions.""" text30132;"""That love looked at the necessity to buy groceries, cook, wash dishes, and iron shirts with condescencion.""" text30133;"""It was a self-centred concept, a neutron star, accumulating a tremendous amount of energy inside.""" text30134;"""It didn't and couldn't understand daily routines and worries, it despised thoughts of the practical, the earthly.""" text30135;"""I sunk so deep into this greater feeling that I completely lost my ground, reality, and was just floundering in the air, unable to stand on my own two feet.""" text30136;"""Moreover, that love was doing perfectly well without a real object.""" text30137;"""After all, I loved the Katya from my memories, not the Catherine who once again entered my life three weeks ago.""" text30138;"""That love was disgusted by the very thought that its existence was based on a bodiless phantom, an ideal image.""" text30139;"""Its purpose wasn't the result but the process, and its fruit was suffering.""" text30140;"""That's how a writer loves his unfinished book, how a painter loves an incomplete painting.""" text30141;"""Loves and hates at the same time, and after completing it, putting down the final dot or making the last brushstroke, lets it go, all covered in his or her blood and sweat.""" text30142;"""The piece will live its own life through the perception of each spectator, while the creator will remember it how it was in the process of creation — a grain of an idea in its conception, an empty canvas at the beginning — they will remember all the pain and suffering that were required to let it go in the end, entrust other people with it.""" text30143;"""Some can only make one great masterpiece in a lifetime…""" text30144;"""For me, that masterpiece was still my love for Catherine, and I was stubbornly refusing to notice the base of my colossus was, with ever greater effort and necessity, supported and strengthened by the quiet, obedient, and eternally loyal love of Himitsu.""" text30145;"""Perhaps it was time to complete my masterpiece?""" text30146;"""Not to forget, no — something like that is unforgettable — but to let it go, retaining the best memories of it inside, and finally return to the sinful earth with its little problems.""" text30147;"""To find myself again, to once again meet the one who has always been around, and move on together, choosing one of the many paths forward.""" text30148;"""I cried.""" text30149;"""But those were not tears of sorrow or desperation — I was crying because of happiness, and a new feeling was flowing down from my eyes, as if my heart, beating a hundred times faster, was purging overheated cooling fluid.""" text30150;"""Perhaps this love wouldn't be described in novels, become a muse for poets or find its honorable place in textbooks dedicated to philosophy.""" text30151;"""But for me, it was no less important than the love I had just let go, because without it, I would've never realized what really mattered to me in life…"""