text29302;"""Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong! Murphy's law.""" text29303;"""I don't think that in my circumstances the wording was that important, but I still wouldn't say that something just went wrong that morning.""" text29304;"""That would be quite an understatement!""" text29305;"""I was woken up by shouting in the kitchen.""" text29306;"""I jumped up and dashed to the source of the noise with only my underpants on.""" text29307;"""Catherine and Himitsu were standing in the middle of the room and going at each other at max volume.""" text29308;"""You could at least put some clothes on…""" text29309;"""Katya smirked.""" text29310;"""Ah, yeah, sorry…""" text29311;"""I replied automatically and returned to my bedroom.""" text29312;"""Niko-kun!""" text29313;"""Himitsu's angry voice reached me.""" text29314;"""I quickly put on my shirt and pants and returned to the battlefield.""" text29315;"""Niko-kun, what is she doing here?! Early in the morning, too!""" text29316;"""Nothing really…""" text29317;"""You don't have to make excuses to her.""" text29318;"""I'll show you excuses!""" text29319;"""Himitsu was about to throw herself at Catherine, and I had to grab her by the arms.""" text29320;"""It's your own fault.""" text29321;"""Niko-kun, let me go!""" text29322;"""I will when you calm down.""" text29323;"""How can I calm down when you… when she…""" text29324;"""Himitsu was choking on her own fury, and it was scaring me — I couldn't remember ever seeing her like this.""" text29325;"""Still smiling, bitch?!""" text29326;"""She kept trying to break free, baring her teeth at Catherine like an animal.""" text29327;"""How does it feel to be such an unfeeling piece of shit, huh?!""" text29328;"""No idea. How does it?""" text29329;"""You take what you haven't earned, what you don't deserve!""" text29330;"""Sunshine, that's enough…""" text29331;"""Don't call me that!""" text29332;"""Himitsu choked on her anger.""" text29333;"""Niko-kun, tell me just one thing — did you two fuck?""" text29334;"""Niko-kun, tell me just one thing — did you two fuck again?""" text29335;"""What if we did?""" text29336;"""I'm not talking to you!""" text29337;"""N-no, we didn't…""" text29338;"""My voice was trembling, and I couldn't understand why — after all, I was telling the truth!""" text29339;"""Catherine kept smirking, my uncertainty seeming to entertain her even more.""" text29340;"""Niko-kun, stop lying!""" text29341;"""I'm not!""" text29342;"""I finally declared with confidence.""" text29343;"""But even if nothing happened between Catherine and me, was Himitsu going believe it?""" text29344;"""And what was I supposed to do?""" text29345;"""I decided I wasn't going to spy on her father, and he had stated clearly yesterday that he didn't want to see Himitsu around me.""" text29346;"""Niko-kun, I came here just for you! Even after my dad warned me not to talk to you anymore!""" text29347;"""Exactly!""" text29348;"""She couldn't just throw me out of her life and so would keep sinking ever deeper into my problems.And jeopardize herself more and more!""" text29349;"""I hoped that we would talk and make up. That you would understand…""" text29350;"""She stopped fighting me, but was still breathing heavily.""" text29351;"""But as soon as I left you alone, you immediately ran to her!""" text29352;"""So that's what all your promises and words of love are worth!""" text29353;"""Words of love?""" text29354;"""Catherine looked as if she were in the audience at a comedy show.""" text29355;"""Has he gotten better at phrasing those in the past couple years, I wonder.""" text29356;"""Shut up, bitch! It's all because of you! If you were never in our lives…""" text29357;"""But I am. In his life! And, moreover, I've never lied to Nick.""" text29358;"""You… you…""" text29359;"""Himitsu burst into deep dull sobs, and I finally released her.""" text29360;"""Now, overwhelmed by emotion, she might do something stupid and harm not only me but also herself.""" text29361;"""For example, she could tell her father something she shouldn't.""" text29362;"""So it would be better if we didn't communicate any longer.""" text29363;"""Himitsu, you need to calm down. Go home.""" text29364;"""I said quietly.""" text29365;"""What? Me, home?! What about her?!""" text29366;"""Go home, Himitsu…""" text29367;"""I repeated as quietly as before.""" text29368;"""Niko-kun…""" text29369;"""She pleaded, but I just kept staring at the floor without saying a word.""" text29370;"""So that's how it is…""" text29371;"""She burst into tears and ran away.""" text29372;"""If you need my opinion, I'd say you did the right thing.""" text29373;"""How exactly did she come in if I locked all the doors from inside at night?""" text29374;"""I opened the door for her.""" text29375;"""Catherine replied calmly.""" text29376;"""A lump of burning resentment swelled in my throat.""" text29377;"""So you set the whole thing up…""" text29378;"""I said through clenched teeth.""" text29379;"""Even if I did, what does it change?""" text29380;"""Catherine frowned and gave me a serious look.""" text29381;"""Oh, come on!""" text29382;"""Before you unleash your righteous wrath, let me tell you something about your innocent Himitsu.""" text29383;"""At the time I found it hard to tell you everything right away, so I decided to ask for her advice first…""" text29384;"""Catherine pursed her lips and looked away.""" text29385;"""If I only knew she was such a… Whatever!""" text29386;"""She pulled herself together and continued:""" text29387;"""Mom had told me that we had to leave, and, of course, I was glad, even happy. Except there was you…""" text29388;"""My heart started to beat faster.""" text29389;"""I just didn't have a choice, understand?!""" text29390;"""Even if I wanted to stay…""" text29391;"""I simply needed to tell you everything. But you know, I'm not good at this type of stuff.""" text29392;"""So I had wanted to discuss it with her… with the person who knows you best!""" text29393;"""And what did I get in return?""" text29394;"""Well? What?""" text29395;"""Don't act like you don't understand!""" text29396;"""You started this, be so kind to see it to the end!""" text29397;"""That's what she was waiting for! If I hadn't left that time, she would've found another excuse!""" text29398;"""So, all of this is… your revenge?""" text29399;"""Katya turned to me abruptly and made me feel guilty with a single look.""" text29400;"""She doesn't deserve the honor! I just wanted to show you her real face.""" text29401;"""I hadn't expected such frankness from Catherine (especially after such a long time).""" text29402;"""But at the same time I still couldn't figure out what Himitsu had said to her.""" text29403;"""I understand that you don't have the best relationship with her… Maybe things weren't great back then either, but you had to have expected this kind of reaction…""" text29404;"""Just because you're also a girl and know all this on a much more… sophisticated level than me.""" text29405;"""So you really don't understand?""" text29406;"""Apparently not.""" text29407;"""Yeah, of course, what did I even expect…?""" text29408;"""I don't know what you're getting at, but it doesn't excuse you in the slightest!""" text29409;"""Our relationship is worse than ever anyway!""" text29410;"""I should've known!""" text29411;"""I grasped my head and thrashed back and forth.""" text29412;"""Leave, please…""" text29413;"""Now you're kicking me out too?""" text29414;"""Just leave.""" text29415;"""I didn't raise my voice, but it was enough for Catherine.""" text29416;"""She slowly walked to the hall and closed the front door behind her demonstratively slowly.""" text29417;"""I don't know what it feels like being on a desert island, but I think, in a way, it may be easier than being a social outcast.""" text29418;"""At least the islander knows that people ignore him not for their own reasons, but because there just isn't anyone around for hundreds (or even thousands) of kilometres.""" text29419;"""Who feels more hungry — the person in a prison cell, or the person forced to observe a luxurious banquet?""" text29420;"""I don't think I was really upset with Catherine.""" text29421;"""Surprised, disappointed, but not upset…""" text29422;"""Unfortunately, something like that was to be expected of her, and by doing this she was pushing the love for that Katya further and further out of my heart…""" text29423;"""And I… I was just too tired.""" text29424;"""However, her words still rang clear in my mind.""" text29425;"""What exactly had happened between them back then?""" text29426;"""Catherine wouldn't get mad over nothing, and if she hated Himitsu that much… was Katya even capable of genuine hatred?""" text29427;"""What had to have happened to evoke such a strong, baleful emotion in her?""" text29428;"""I just couldn't imagine Himitsu doing something worthy of it!""" text29429;"""While thinking about all this, I didn't even notice how I got to school by the time the second class started.""" text29430;"""In reality, I had absolutely no reason to be here, but it wasn't any worse than any other place.""" text29431;"""And this wasn't even about Irina…""" text29432;"""Did her threats really matter after my talk with Himitsu's father?""" text29433;"""And what really did matter?""" text29434;"""What did I have left in my life?""" text29435;"""Naturally, Catherine wasn't at school.""" text29436;"""I wouldn't be surprised if Himitsu skipped classes as well.""" text29437;"""I was sitting and looking out the window, unplugged from the rest of the world.""" text29438;"""The strong autumn wind was mercilessly shaking the trees in the school yard, but with the last bits of strength they resisted, not giving up their red-and-yellow foliage to it.""" text29439;"""It wouldn't last long, however — by nature's will, they would become naked and helpless before the first frost and the coming сold.""" text29440;"""But the wind didn't need those old leaves: blowing is its destiny, it can't exist otherwise.""" text29441;"""Perhaps Catherine's destiny was to wreck my life…?""" text29442;"""Michael approached me during a break.""" text29443;"""God, again?""" text29444;"""It was hard to guess from his facial expression what he was going to talk about, but I got preliminarily tense:""" text29445;"""Let's just not go over the same thing again!""" text29446;"""I just thought that you'd had some time to think…""" text29447;"""His persistence was enviable, but now in particular this behavior was frankly inappropriate — at least, not here, for everyone to see.""" text29448;"""Or was he deliberately trying to make me mad?""" text29449;"""I've already thought it through! And told you everything. We discussed it only a couple of days ago!""" text29450;"""Yes, but I still haven't gotten a clear answer from you.""" text29451;"""A clear answer!""" text29452;"""I smirked and flung my hand in the air.""" text29453;"""The usual level of noise in the classroom became noticeably lower.""" text29454;"""Do you want a piece of advice? I'll give you one for free today! Run away from her without looking back! Otherwise she'll ruin your life same as she ruined mine.""" text29455;"""I was stepping on the same rake again — now not only was Michael listening to me, but the entire class.""" text29456;"""Except I couldn't care less!""" text29457;"""Shall I take that as an affirmative answer?""" text29458;"""Are we doing math here?! Affirmative, negative — what's the fucking difference!?""" text29459;"""You know what?! If you need her so much — take her!""" text29460;"""I said and quickly walked out of the classroom.""" text29461;"""The nastiest thing was — and I scolded myself for it without end – that I couldn't even really get mad at Catherine!""" text29462;"""Even though I had every right to!""" text29463;"""Any normal person would…""" text29464;"""Good afternoon, senpai!""" text29465;"""Someone from a junior grade greeted me politely.""" text29466;"""How did he know me and why did he talk to me at all?""" text29467;"""Didn't everyone in this school know that Nikolai Anokhin is a dangerous sociopath?!""" text29468;"""I passed by Himitsu's classroom and looked inside for a moment, but there was no one behind her desk.""" text29469;"""Fair enough.""" text29470;"""Afraid of running into Saya-chan, I quickly ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and as could be expected, found myself on the roof.""" text29471;"""Somebody was sitting on the bench, and I was about to think that it was Kagome…""" text29472;"""But it wasn't her.""" text29473;"""The girl was holding back her long blond hair as it fluttered in the wind like a ship's sail in an Alexander Grin novel.""" text29474;"""I recognized Ellie, but even though I couldn't see her face, I thought she seemed sad, looking into the distance at the massive city from the school's roof like you'd look into the horizon of the ocean, expecting the return of a beloved.""" text29475;"""I wondered if she had a boyfriend…""" text29476;"""I drove these foolish thoughts away and approached the uncrowned queen of the school.""" text29477;"""Hi, I hope I'm not intruding?""" text29478;"""She raised her head and looked at me, surprised.""" text29479;"""Hoodlum-kun?""" text29480;"""Kobayashi-san.""" text29481;"""I put a semblance of a sarcastic smirk on my face.""" text29482;"""Actually, my name is Nick.""" text29483;"""I see.""" text29484;"""Ellie looked upset and was behaving far less energetically than usual.""" text29485;"""Sorry, if I'm prying… Did something happen?""" text29486;"""Nothing important… Just some family problems.""" text29487;"""Ah, I understand.""" text29488;"""Actually no, I don't!""" text29489;"""I added immediately and sat down next to her, keeping the distance allowed by decency.""" text29490;"""I'm alone… I live alone.""" text29491;"""Is that so.""" text29492;"""She clearly wasn't in the mood for a chat.""" text29493;"""By the way, I was at your concert — you play really well!""" text29494;"""Finally, Ellie brightened up and cast a glance in my direction.""" text29495;"""Yeah, right! I saw you! You were staring at me the entire concert, you wouldn't let me play!""" text29496;"""I was there by accident! I just swing by that club on occasion!""" text29497;"""And what a lucky coincidence that we were playing there that time!""" text29498;"""Yes, it was! Just a coincidence, I'll have you know! It happens! Not everything in the world revolves around you and your family!""" text29499;"""The last part was clearly too much, and Ellie smiled sadly and looked away.""" text29500;"""Yeah, sure, you're right… It's just, you know…""" text29501;"""She started but sighed heavily and went silent.""" text29502;"""No, you don't.""" text29503;"""Explain then.""" text29504;"""Here we go again… Sorry, but I really don't feel like it. How many times can you explain the same thing? Would talking really change anything?""" text29505;"""What an interesting observation!""" text29506;"""I was constantly boiling in a cauldron filled with painful introspections and regular fights with Himitsu and Catherine.""" text29507;"""Well, you have your music to distract you.""" text29508;"""Yeah, for now.""" text29509;"""I think you should keep doing it — you clearly have a talent.""" text29510;"""I was staring at the vapor trail left by a plane, and added wistfully:""" text29511;"""You know, I even envy you in a sense. Not because of all this school queen and heiress of the Kobayashi empire stuff, but because you have something of your own.""" text29512;"""Something that you do well and something you want to pursue. A calling, I guess, a life goal… I'm not really good at saying this stuff, sorry.""" text29513;"""Finally, I looked at Ellie — she lowered her head and blushed a bit.""" text29514;"""Everything sounds so easy if I just listen to you!""" text29515;"""Well, I don't know if it's easy or not. I'm just judging your situation from the perspective of a layperson, so to say, who has nothing like that in his life.""" text29516;"""Maybe that's for the better!""" text29517;"""Ellie jumped off the bench, shaking her head, golden hair flying side to side, the faint smell of perfume reaching my nose.""" text29518;"""It took a considerable effort to hide my embarrassment from this girl.""" text29519;"""Well, okay, hoodlum Nick-kun! See you later!""" text29520;"""Bye.""" text29521;"""I responded timidly and remained in my place.""" text29522;"""I didn't know whether Kobayashi-san had a real crown, but once a long time ago I had given one to a little girl, a neighbor of mine.""" text29523;"""I couldn't get used to the fact that the school year in Japan starts in spring.""" text29524;"""After graduating from the primary school at the embassy, I went to a normal secondary school with normal children.""" text29525;"""Maybe a bit of an elite one.""" text29526;"""From childhood, Himitsu wanted to be in the same class as me, but her poor health hadn't allowed that.""" text29527;"""But we still ended up in the same school — she was just a grade lower.""" text29528;"""She then skipped spring and summer semesters due to illness and managed to go to school with me only in autumn.""" text29529;"""It must've been the end of September as well…""" text29530;"""Niichan!""" text29531;"""Himitsu was pulling at my sleeve.""" text29532;"""I asked you not to call me that anymore! Especially at school!""" text29533;"""I said sternly.""" text29534;"""Okay.""" text29535;"""She replied sadly and lowered her head.""" text29536;"""We're adults now…! At least I am!""" text29537;"""So what should I call you then?""" text29538;"""I don't know.""" text29539;"""I thought for a second.""" text29540;"""This question was an important one for a child.""" text29541;"""I have a classmate, Kyosuke — I'll introduce you — he calls me Nick.""" text29542;"""Niko…""" text29543;"""Himitsu uttered in the Japanese style.""" text29544;"""No way, that sounds like the name of a mafia boss! Don Niko!""" text29545;"""She laughed.""" text29546;"""You come to me with a request, but you don't ask with respect. You don't even think to use keigo!""" text29547;"""Himitsu laughed even harder.""" text29548;"""Niko-dono!""" text29549;"""Well, no need to be that formal.""" text29550;"""I even grew a bit embarrassed.""" text29551;"""Then…""" text29552;"""The stress of heavy thinking found reflection on her childish face.""" text29553;"""Niko-kun…?""" text29554;"""She suggested timidly.""" text29555;"""I paused.""" text29556;"""Should do for now!""" text29557;"""Well, then you should also call me something like… like… something like that!""" text29558;"""Like what?""" text29559;"""Ohimitsu-sama!""" text29560;"""I listen and obey, my mistress Ohimitsu-sama!""" text29561;"""…""" text29562;"""We were approaching the school, and more and more I noticed Himitsu's little shoulders tremble.""" text29563;"""She was clearly very nervous but was trying not to show it.""" text29564;"""A yellow leaf fell at my feet, then another one and another.""" text29565;"""I started to pick them up.""" text29566;"""Niko-kun…""" text29567;"""She said slowly, as if she was trying to taste this new word.""" text29568;"""What are you doing?""" text29569;"""You'll see soon.""" text29570;"""When I gathered enough leaves, I took a fishing line out of my bag and began to string the leaves on it.""" text29571;"""You can find anything in a little rascal's bag — and sometimes things weirder than a fishing line!""" text29572;"""When I finished, the resulting сomposition mostly resembled a washing line with colorful rags hung on it.""" text29573;"""Every princess should have a crown!""" text29574;"""I barely managed to mount this little something on Himitsu's head.""" text29575;"""The leaves stubbornly refused to stand vertically and, following the laws of physics, were falling, draping over her head.""" text29576;"""In the end, Himitsu resembled a bald old man with hair only remaining on her temples, nape, and also forehead.""" text29577;"""Oh, it's so cute!""" text29578;"""Himitsu sang, opened her bag, and took a little mirror out of it.""" text29579;"""Are you sure you want to see this?""" text29580;"""I said in a theatrically serious voice and slowly took a few steps aside.""" text29581;"""She looked at herself in the mirror attentively and smiled.""" text29582;"""Smiled so cutely that for a moment it seemed that an the crown made of leaves shone with all the colors of a golden autumn.""" text29583;"""I got embarrassed — and not because I was seeing a beautiful girl (which had happened to me before), but because that girl suddenly turned out to be Himitsu.""" text29584;"""Alright, let's go.""" text29585;"""I habitually took her by the hand and quickly walked to the school.""" text29586;"""Niko-kun…""" text29587;"""She called to me in a more confident voice.""" text29588;"""And, if someone asks, you'll say that you're my sister, got it?!""" text29589;"""My juvenile maximalism was still there, after all.""" text29590;"""Niko-kun…""" text29591;"""And we have different surnames because you were adopted!""" text29592;"""Or I was, whatever!""" text29593;"""And that's why we don't look alike!""" text29594;"""Niko-kun…""" text29595;"""But that's only if someone asks, otherwise we don't even know each other at all!""" text29596;"""And you're a grade lower than me! If you ask me, I don't understand all this division at all…""" text29597;"""Niichan!""" text29598;"""Himitsu said loudly at last.""" text29599;"""What?""" text29600;"""She pointedly looked at our latched hands.""" text29601;"""Ah, yeah…""" text29602;"""I instantly released her hand and felt blood rush to my face.""" text29603;"""It's just a habit. A habit that we should ditch too!""" text29604;"""You're taking this so seriously.""" text29605;"""She giggled.""" text29606;"""It's because it's vital to start off on the right foot!""" text29607;"""Understood.""" text29608;"""Himitsu said solemnly and pouted.""" text29609;"""And take this mess off of your head already!""" text29610;"""She сarefully removed the crown and put it in her bag.""" text29611;"""You could just throw it away…""" text29612;"""I muttered.""" text29613;"""Why? It'll be a reminder that I'm a princess and you're my prince!""" text29614;"""Are you starting this again?""" text29615;"""I pinched her side hard.""" text29616;"""Owch!""" text29617;"""Nick!""" text29618;"""Kyosuke's merry greeting reached us from afar.""" text29619;"""Alright, here comes!""" text29620;"""…""" text29621;"""That crown must have long dried out and turned to dust, although I was sure that Himitsu kept it somewhere in a wardrobe for a long time after.""" text29622;"""It can sometimes seem that entire segments of life — hours, days, years — are erased from memory. But if you really try, you can always recall them.""" text29623;"""I sat on the roof for about an hour, reminiscing.""" text29624;"""Or perhaps that's merely how it seemed to me — because the hour hand was stubbornly approaching two o'clock in the afternoon.""" text29625;"""My stomach growled, and I returned to sinful earth, now with more than just my thoughts.""" text29626;"""It was too late to go to the canteen, and unfortunately, my funds were quite limited, so I returned to the classroom, quickly packed up my bag, and, ignoring Kyosuke, left school.""" text29627;"""On the way home I was thinking about my and Himitsu's childhood.""" text29628;"""She probably wasn't a real fairy tale princess to me: it felt more like me being Peter Pan and her Wendy.""" text29629;"""Wendy returned to the real world, and I forever remained in Neverland, where children don't grow up.""" text29630;"""Lost in thought, I was almost run over by a car…""" text29631;"""The old empty house welcomed me coldly, as usual — with its silence broken only by the creaks of floorboards, dust dancing in the sunlight that reached the kitchen from the garden, and by-now-familiar atmosphere of loneliness.""" text29632;"""I didn't expect Himitsu to come today, didn't hope for her tasty cooking, but I was starving having not had lunch or even breakfast.""" text29633;"""Luckily there was a lot left after Catherine's visit.""" text29634;"""…""" text29635;"""The Bartender would call the thing I cooked \""Kolya's stew\"" or \""Kolyan chowder\"" as the abundance of soy sauce made the dish pretty watery.""" text29636;"""Not that I cared — at least it was edible.""" text29637;"""After washing the dishes, I turned the TV on and pointlessly stared at the screen.""" text29638;"""All of my thoughts were focused on Himitsu.""" text29639;"""I seemed to have forgotten Catherine completely, and, when I did remember her, I felt disgust.""" text29640;"""I didn't know what she blamed Himitsu for, but Himitsu had the full right to blame her for the situation we found ourselves in.""" text29641;"""I recalled more and more memories of our childhood, and the events that happened relatively recently.""" text29642;"""I replayed these memories in my mind fondly, studying each of them for a good while, then going to the next.""" text29643;"""I guess that was how projectionists rotated the handles of their projectors — carefully, trying not to damage the film.""" text29644;"""But then the movies would come to an end and give way to harsh reality.""" text29645;"""In the silence of the house, I could clearly hear a car drive into Himitsu's yard.""" text29646;"""Ryunosuke-san seemed to have come home early.""" text29647;"""Actually, it was none of my business. Not anymore…""" text29648;"""I felt a lump in my throat.""" text29649;"""Too much connected us for our relationship to be complety broken in a single moment, even if for good reason.""" text29650;"""And it wasn't only the fact that we grew up together and that Himitsu loved me — not only the serious matters.""" text29651;"""The little things that made up our daily life were equally important!""" text29652;"""Even the fights and grievances, the tears and sorrow, the diseases and hardships…""" text29653;"""It was important that we had gone through all that together, hand in hand.""" text29654;"""And I could never imagine that one day Himitsu wouldn't be around.""" text29655;"""For her, it was love, a self-explanatory feeling.""" text29656;"""I had always considered it friendship, but the past weeks had turned it all upside down.""" text29657;"""I heard voices coming from outside.""" text29658;"""I couldn't understand anything, but it was clearly Ryunosuke-san talking, loudly — as if he were having an argument with someone.""" text29659;"""Then I heard the shrieking wheels of a leaving car.""" text29660;"""I couldn't remember Himitsu's mother at all, but I hoped that Himitsu inherited her personality and not her father's.""" text29661;"""It was weird, but the whole day I had barely thought about Ryunosuke-san's threats — after all, I was the one who screwed everything up.""" text29662;"""Of course, Catherine had helped, but it was in my power not to allow her to enter my house or, at least, kick her out in the evening and not let her stay overnight.""" text29663;"""Suddenly, I felt painfully lonely.""" text29664;"""There are several kinds of loneliness… And the one I was experiencing was the nastiest.""" text29665;"""It was a loneliness I'd brought on myself!""" text29666;"""Of course, I could call Kyosuke, but I was a bit ashamed since I've been ignoring him a lot these days.""" text29667;"""And I couldn't even think of calling Michael…""" text29668;"""Who else did I have left? Himitsu? Catherine…?""" text29669;"""No thanks, I've already called her enough to make me want to vomit!""" text29670;"""I jumped off the chair and started walking around the kitchen in circles.""" text29671;"""The evening was slowly coming, and I desperately wanted for this day to end.""" text29672;"""I just physically couldn't stand being alone with my thoughts, so I washed some clothes, vacuumed the entire house, wiped the dust off the wardrobes, went through boxes, cleaned the kitchen, and took a shower.""" text29673;"""I finished almost at midnight, and, exhausted, fell straight in bed.""" text29674;"""I felt a bit dizzy, and my entire body was taken by pleasant fatigue.""" text29675;"""How did Himitsu even handle this on a daily basis?""" text29676;"""She should've become an athlete!""" text29677;"""I recalled Himitsu's slim body and got noticeably aroused.""" text29678;"""My brain was pierced by a sudden thought — I wanted her, I wanted her as a woman…""" text29679;"""Not only sexually, like I had always wanted Catherine, but entirely and undividedly — I didn't want to give her to anybody or let her go anywhere.""" text29680;"""Such a pity that it was too late…""" text29681;"""I rolled over and covered my head with a pillow.""" text29682;"""\""You don't know what you got until you lose it\"", – was that the saying?""" text29683;"""Even though I had spent almost my entire life in Japan, I still felt like a Russian, with all the pros and cons.""" text29684;"""I guess I never adapted fully…""" text29685;"""But then why did I always feel so good with Himitsu? She was much more Japanese than Russian.""" text29686;"""And, at the same time, I was struggling with Catherine and Michael, people with an inherently European mentality.""" text29687;"""It was most likely about the upbringing, not the place of origin.""" text29688;"""Applied dialectics at one in the morning — that was so typical of me!""" text29689;"""No, seriously, I would've enrolled in the philosophical faculty of the University of Tokyo, if they accepted me. And if I had the money.""" text29690;"""I felt so pathetic that it even made me laugh.""" text29691;"""After the laugh came the tears (I couldn't even remember the last time I cried) and after that — heavy, as if delirious, oblivion."""