text28877;"""Why do different people like different colors?""" text28878;"""Freud and Lüscher most definitely had their opinions on that, but I've always struggled to make a clear choice.""" text28879;"""Sometimes, my favorite color could be blue or violet, I used to hate yellow, and my childhood preference was white.""" text28880;"""Of course, there are strictly scientific explanations for the matter, but in our everyday life we're used to more basic interpretations.""" text28881;"""Red symbolizes the unbridled fervor of fire, blue epitomizes the serenity of the clear summer sky, while black reminds us of the dusty shrouds and gloomy vaults of a Gothic church.""" text28882;"""I wasn't sure which colors I would associate with Catherine and Himitsu, but in my memories their smiles used the same pallet.""" text28883;"""The sound of the TV woke me up, and with some effort I blew my nose — the night wind had made it pretty stuffy.""" text28884;"""Due to the uncomfortable position my back hurt, making the awakening even less enjoyable.""" text28885;"""On the screen, chipper and overly smiley, news anchors were wishing a good morning to all the inhabitants of Tokyo.""" text28886;"""They had it easier, of course — these programs are usually pre-recorded, and now they were peacefully sleeping in their cozy beds!""" text28887;"""Right after the fake smiles and tons of face powder came a cooking show.""" text28888;"""\""Spend just five minutes and make yourself happy with a tasty, healthy breakfast!\"" — a professional chef with more than twenty years of experience was shouting, skilfully filleting fish and slicing vegetables.""" text28889;"""Yeah, right!""" text28890;"""I wouldn't be able cook anything like that even in three hours, with or without all the ingredients!""" text28891;"""Although a dead mouse, a couple dozen cockroaches, and some soy sauce would make for an undoubtedly higher protein, though probably not as tasty, meal than the one prepared by that TV chef.""" text28892;"""Having weighed up all the cons and failed to find any pros, I got dressed and walked to school.""" text28893;"""I had no desire to skip classes since I had nothing else to do in the morning.""" text28894;"""By skipping breakfast, I managed to find some time to drop by a shop and buy a couple chocolate bars.""" text28895;"""I wanted to go to my favorite ramen place as well, but after counting the money in my wallet, I abandoned the idea.""" text28896;"""And I still had a week before the end of the month…""" text28897;"""At school, everything seemed normal: joyful and enthusiastic Kyosuke, Michael with his book, and Catherine who was expressly ignoring my presence.""" text28898;"""Everyone seemed to have forgotten about my behavior yesterday.""" text28899;"""Or were merely pretended to, keeping up appearances.""" text28900;"""In any case, I didn't feel like an exile. No more than usual…""" text28901;"""Not that anybody ever paid much attention to me.""" text28902;"""I had to admit, I was a little scared of the derogatory looks and whispers behind my back on my way to school.""" text28903;"""But life went on as usual, not noticing me and my problems.""" text28904;"""During the second class, a note landed on my desk.""" text28905;"""\""Come to the roof at lunch\"".""" text28906;"""It was written in Japanese. The handwriting looked familiar, but it definitely wasn't Katya's.""" text28907;"""I was even kind of happy to receive the note, since I was starting to get bored.""" text28908;"""So this is a thing too, huh — now the absence of adrenaline equaled boredom to me!""" text28909;"""During the long break I went to the roof, waving Kyosuke away as he offered to have lunch together.""" text28910;"""However, there was nobody there.""" text28911;"""Apparently I was too early. Was what I thought as I sat on the bench, preparing to wait for the author of the note.""" text28912;"""The door soon opened, and Kagome jumped into the arms of the unfriendly autumn wind.""" text28913;"""Well yeah, I should've expected that…""" text28914;"""I muttered.""" text28915;"""What are you mumbling there?""" text28916;"""Kagome asked in an intimidating tone, coming closer.""" text28917;"""I want to clarify something, just in case: did you write the note?""" text28918;"""Yes.""" text28919;"""She replied briefly and sat next to me.""" text28920;"""Right!""" text28921;"""I realized why the handwriting looked familiar to me — Kagome was the class rep and would constantly write things on the blackboard.""" text28922;"""We seem to be meeting each other a bit too often these days.""" text28923;"""You're in no position to make jokes!""" text28924;"""What else can I do?""" text28925;"""You're in danger, don't you understand?""" text28926;"""In danger…?""" text28927;"""I've managed to uncover something else… The father of your red-headed girlfriend works for Japanese intelligence! And he may be somehow related to my father's disappearance!""" text28928;"""Goddamit, does everyone actually know more than I do about own my life?!""" text28929;"""I exclaimed and flung my arms into the air.""" text28930;"""Doesn't seem like it's news to you…""" text28931;"""She squinted her eyes, but I immediately asked a question:""" text28932;"""How did you learn that?""" text28933;"""I have my own sources.""" text28934;"""Kagome responded unsurely, turned away, and shivered from the strong wind.""" text28935;"""Here…""" text28936;"""I stood up, took my jacket off, and tried to put it over her shoulders.""" text28937;"""What are you doing?!""" text28938;"""She immediately jumped up from the bench and ran a few feet away.""" text28939;"""Just trying to act like a gentleman. Since you trust me…""" text28940;"""I mean, you've told me so much important information already.""" text28941;"""Kagome calmed down a bit but didn't come closer.""" text28942;"""It's because I still hope that you're a reasonable guy. Besides, we're in a similar situation, so I want to believe that you'll act reasonably!""" text28943;"""I have to say though that so far you've been as useful as a dug-up corpse!""" text28944;"""Well, I'm sorry for not knowing anything else!""" text28945;"""And at this point it was mostly the truth!""" text28946;"""And why do you think I should blindly trust you?""" text28947;"""Because I have no reason to lie to you! I'm just looking for my father!""" text28948;"""I didn't reply, but her words made me feel guilty.""" text28949;"""After all, Kagome, despite her rather complicated personality, had opened up to me and relied on me to some extent.""" text28950;"""You're right, sorry… Is there anything else you know? And how do you even know about Himitsu's father?""" text28951;"""I've told you enough already! And you seem completely unsurprised by it.""" text28952;"""I'm just tired of surprises.""" text28953;"""I smiled idiotically.""" text28954;"""But I would like to know more about your sources.""" text28955;"""Tit for tat!""" text28956;"""I have nothing to offer in return, it's not like this is a card game! If you were me, wouldn't you want to know everything?""" text28957;"""Are you so sure it's easier to be you than me?""" text28958;"""No, but that doesn't change anything.""" text28959;"""Unlike you, I'm trying to do something!""" text28960;"""I've already told you everything I know! And how I found out isn't important!""" text28961;"""Just for your information, a one-sided relationship like this can't last long.""" text28962;"""Oh, so we have a relationship now?""" text28963;"""Asshole!""" text28964;"""Kagome hissed, and I was left alone.""" text28965;"""I seemed to remember that Himitsu once said I should change my attitude toward other people.""" text28966;"""And even though I'd started to behave differently with her (and, maybe, to some extent, with Catherine), others remained of as little interest to me as before.""" text28967;"""But Iwamura could've become a useful ally.""" text28968;"""Next time (if there was a next time) I'd have to treat her with more respect!""" text28969;"""I came across Michael at the entrance to the classroom.""" text28970;"""He looked at me coldly but said nothing.""" text28971;"""It's not like he had to say anthing: no one would show it openly, but everyone (except probably Kyosuke) considered me a social pariah.""" text28972;"""Or maybe I'd just become a persona non grata, since I'd never really tried to change my caste, deeming it impossible.""" text28973;"""There was absolutely no way I could keep being in their company.""" text28974;"""I quickly packed my bag, and, with my eyes lowered, walked out of the classroom.""" text28975;"""The bell reached me in the schoolyard, and deep inside I felt sad and, for some reason, even disgusted.""" text28976;"""I guess I had never really given thought to the fact that on weekday afternoons the streets were populated by totally different people than in the evenings.""" text28977;"""Children and teenagers were studying, while adults were mostly at work.""" text28978;"""But pensioners of all ages, mothers with their strollers, all kinds of couriers and delivery boys сrawled out of their homes between nine and six o'clock to enjoy the still-warm autumn sun.""" text28979;"""Soon they would be replaced by office workers in their identical grey suits, children who couldn't wait to have some fun, and exhausted factory workers.""" text28980;"""But for now Tokyo belonged fully to that nice, motley crowd.""" text28981;"""I slowed down to catch a few more smiles from strangers passing by — they had a calming effect on me.""" text28982;"""In the end, some people were capable of not only drowning in their problems but also bringing some happiness in the world, sharing their good mood with others.""" text28983;"""Even if in reality things were very different, and it was just a sign of politeness…""" text28984;"""I came home, kicked off my boots and walked into the kitchen.""" text28985;"""The TV was still on, showing a program for housewives. \""Household Secrets\"".""" text28986;"""Himitsu probably watched it often…""" text28987;"""At first, I thought the ring of the doorbell was a part of the show, but I quickly realized that wasn't the case and opened the door.""" text28988;"""Ryunosuke-san was standing at my doorstep.""" text28989;"""Physically fit, as focused as always, with a cold look in his eyes and abrupt, military, precise gestures.""" text28990;"""How come I never figured out he wasn't just a simple government employeer…?""" text28991;"""Ryunosuke-san…""" text28992;"""I greeted him briefly and slightly lowered my head.""" text28993;"""May I come in?""" text28994;"""Sure.""" text28995;"""I walked him to the kitchen and offered a chair.""" text28996;"""Nikolai, I respect you, so I'm not going to pretend or put on an act here. I think you have long realized what's going on.""" text28997;"""You've become very interesting to the KGB lately — that explains a lot""" text28998;"""I froze in place.""" text28999;"""I hoped he didn't know I had eavesdropped on him in the village.""" text29000;"""I'm not aware how much you know, but it is in your best interest to tell me everything here and now.""" text29001;"""What I know…""" text29002;"""I said quietly.""" text29003;"""So this was the person I'd known half my life.""" text29004;"""Not only had he been he lying abjectly to my parents and me for so many years, he'd also managed to drag his own daughter into this!""" text29005;"""Oh, I know enough! Let me tell you a story…""" text29006;"""About a nice neighbor who pretends to be a family friend. About how he is willing, without hesitation, to betray anyone on command.""" text29007;"""For him, the ends justify any means! And there are no moral boundaries — he'll even use his own daughter to accomplish his goals!""" text29008;"""Any means, right, Ryunosuke-san?! Am I right?!""" text29009;"""I snapped, but I couldn't feel any particular danger coming from him. I was, at least to a degree, confident he hadn't come to kill me.""" text29010;"""That's your point of view. You are entitled to it. But there are many others.""" text29011;"""However, Nikolai, you should calm down. That would be better for everyone.""" text29012;"""His impenetrable seriousness was more frightening than all of Irina's words combined.""" text29013;"""Is that a threat?""" text29014;"""For now, it's a warning. I hope I'm not mistaken about you, and I won't need to deploy methods that are more appropriate for stupid scum.""" text29015;"""His arrogance stung — there was something of Japanese militarism in him.""" text29016;"""And still, I was scared and simply couldn't hide it.""" text29017;"""Nikolai, I want to help you, no matter how crazy that may sound to you. I have helped you before, over many years. I've been doing things that go beyond the scope of my responsibilities.""" text29018;"""And even things that violated direct orders.""" text29019;"""He added in a quieter voice.""" text29020;"""I have done things you haven't a clue about…""" text29021;"""Are you talking about my parents?""" text29022;"""I smirked.""" text29023;"""Believe me, I have nothing to do with what happened to them.""" text29024;"""Of course you don't!""" text29025;"""I realize that you have no reason to trust me, but this is a dangerous game you're playing, albeit against your will.""" text29026;"""You must have realized already that there are many players in this game. So, I will say once again: I have nothing to do with your parents' death.""" text29027;"""Himitsu's father seemed to speak genuinely, but I caught myself thinking that during the entire conversation his facial expression had barely changed.""" text29028;"""It doesn't matter what I think, right? Then why did you come here at all?""" text29029;"""Finally, he knitted his brows and said quietly:""" text29030;"""I need to know everything you know.""" text29031;"""If I knew something, I'd gladly tell you, you have my word! I'm so fucking fed up with your game!""" text29032;"""I slapped my neck with my palm, showing how fed up I was exactly.""" text29033;"""So if I had a chance to do something that would make you all leave me be…""" text29034;"""I believe you, Nikolai.""" text29035;"""He interrupted me and suddenly smiled.""" text29036;"""And that's… it?""" text29037;"""Yes. Is there anything else you want to discuss?""" text29038;"""What happens now?""" text29039;"""To you? I don't know. However, you must realize that after everything that's happened, you better keep away from my daughter.""" text29040;"""How… but…""" text29041;"""I mumbled impotently.""" text29042;"""Be well.""" text29043;"""Ryunosuke-san stood up and left.""" text29044;"""When the door closed behind him, I sank exhaustedly to the chair.""" text29045;"""Of course, arguing with him would've been pointless and risky, and, besides, what could I say?""" text29046;"""It's not like Himitsu wanted to see me.""" text29047;"""But that was only for now — in the end, she'd definitely come! Wouldn't she…?""" text29048;"""And what did he mean by \""I don't know\""?!""" text29049;"""That I didn't have to fear Japanese intelligence anymore?""" text29050;"""Or that everything was over for me?""" text29051;"""No… If that were the case, he wouldn't have warned me about Himitsu.""" text29052;"""I was shattered and crushed, and, most importantly — humiliated.""" text29053;"""For the first time!""" text29054;"""Irina could threaten me all she wanted, but she didn't have any aces up her sleeve.""" text29055;"""Ryunosuke-san had Himitsu.""" text29056;"""And he played his card brilliantly, breaking my will and bringing me to my knees in a couple of minutes.""" text29057;"""If I had anything to tell them, I would've done it immediately, without hesitation!""" text29058;"""Ichinose? It didn't seem like they were really interested in him.""" text29059;"""My conversations with Irina or Kagome? They were, in the end, not very informative.""" text29060;"""And I didn't know anything except that…""" text29061;"""But why? Why was it so easy?""" text29062;"""The answer to this question was becoming more and more obvious.""" text29063;"""I couldn't stay home alone now.""" text29064;"""If something happens, you know where to find me.""" text29065;"""And there I was, dialling that cherished number again.""" text29066;"""It was quite early, but maybe she was at home?""" text29067;"""After a few beeps, somebody eventually responded.""" text29068;"""Hello.""" text29069;"""Hi, it's me…""" text29070;"""Catherine didn't reply.""" text29071;"""You're already back from school…""" text29072;"""And silence again.""" text29073;"""What was I trying to achieve by stating facts?""" text29074;"""I summoned all my courage and said:""" text29075;"""You said that I would know where to find you. I guess I have.""" text29076;"""In the park in an hour.""" text29077;"""Katya replied briefly and hung up.""" text29078;"""Everything seemed to have worked maybe too easily.""" text29079;"""Despite my efforts, I didn't manage to arrive before Catherine.""" text29080;"""She was already waiting for me there — her house was much closer to the park.""" text29081;"""Catch your breath first.""" text29082;"""She smiled condescendingly and pointed at a bench.""" text29083;"""We sat down.""" text29084;"""Not a day passed…""" text29085;"""Sorry if I distracted you from something important.""" text29086;"""I always have time for you!""" text29087;"""Besides, it's clear something's happened.""" text29088;"""When I called Catherine, I hadn't figured out what I was going to tell her. It was just a whim, and a lack of other options.""" text29089;"""I looked at her with a plea in my eyes, as if hoping that she'd guess it all herself and I wouldn't have to lie, or worse, tell her everything in detail.""" text29090;"""Himitsu?""" text29091;"""Yes… we… had a fight. Not that it's the first time, but this time it's serious.""" text29092;"""You talked to her after everything I've told you? Although, you already knew…""" text29093;"""Yeah…""" text29094;"""Unlike Himitsu, I hadn't promised not to lie to Catherine, and she didn't have to know what Ryunosuke-san had told me.""" text29095;"""My life doesn't change much…""" text29096;"""That's for sure. But why am I here?""" text29097;"""I just… Well…""" text29098;"""I had even less desire to say that I'd just felt lonely and that Kyosuke wouldn't have made for good company here.""" text29099;"""Although even if I'd had a choice, would I have called someone else?""" text29100;"""I just don't want to be alone.""" text29101;"""You get used to it. It's not quick and easy, but, eventually, you get used to it.""" text29102;"""She caught a yellowish leaf flying in the air and attentively, as if studying it, spun it in her fingers.""" text29103;"""I have a lot of experience in terms of loneliness.""" text29104;"""Katya, I…""" text29105;"""You're unteachable!""" text29106;"""What…?""" text29107;"""How many times have I asked you not to call me Katya!?""" text29108;"""But you never meant it.""" text29109;"""See, that's your problem: you always think everything in life is a game.""" text29110;"""I don't think anything like that!""" text29111;"""And even if it's a game, it's not one you can win.""" text29112;"""Although I'm glad you called. Didn't think it would happen so soon.""" text29113;"""So, she didn't doubt I'd call at some point…?""" text29114;"""And I'm glad you've finally realized what she is.""" text29115;"""I replied nothing and lowered my head in order to avoid looking her in the eye.""" text29116;"""No, I partially agreed with Catherine's opinion on Himitsu, but there was still nothing I could do.""" text29117;"""Even if she hadn't known about her father's real job, even if she hadn't wanted to betray me or hide anything — all of this had happened already!""" text29118;"""And nothing could change the fact that she had been lying to me, even if not for long.""" text29119;"""I can understand why Himitsu treats you like she does, but you… what has she done to you?""" text29120;"""Catherine grew embarrassed and immediately tensed up.""" text29121;"""Isn't what she's done to you enough? Even if we're not together anymore, it doesn't mean that…""" text29122;"""She clicked her tongue and raised her voice even more:""" text29123;"""It's a pity that you don't realize it yourself!""" text29124;"""But I did…""" text29125;"""I understood that Himitsu was dedicating herself wholeheartedly to me, yet I couldn't forgive her for a single stupid mistake. And neither could I forget about the skeletons in her closet.""" text29126;"""If not hers then her father's!""" text29127;"""The plates of the scales were swaying back and forth.""" text29128;"""And then there was Catherine, whose intentions I hadn't understood at all for a while now.""" text29129;"""Sometimes I felt ashamed for being so spineless.""" text29130;"""You have your circumstances…""" text29131;"""You've said as much too.""" text29132;"""Maybe I have…""" text29133;"""Catherine smiled sadly, torturing the poor leaf.""" text29134;"""Winter is coming… You like winter. Thank your surname!""" text29135;"""You know I feel the same about all four seasons.""" text29136;"""What about Christmas, New Year's? What would you like to get as a gift from Santa Claus?""" text29137;"""A one-way ticket away from here!""" text29138;"""One ticket?""" text29139;"""Catherine tilted her head, and her eyes flashed.""" text29140;"""Do you want to talk about this now?""" text29141;"""What about the destination? Isn't that important?""" text29142;"""I tried to smooth out the awkwardness.""" text29143;"""To the Moon.""" text29144;"""We were sitting there, talking about nothing — that was exactly what I needed.""" text29145;"""So you're going to be the first person on the Moon!""" text29146;"""Hey!""" text29147;"""Catherine gently nudged me in the side.""" text29148;"""Well everyone knows Stanley Kubrick faked the Apollo landing!""" text29149;"""Are you asking for another Caribbean Crisis? This time the missiles will be at your coast!""" text29150;"""Knowing the Japanese, I wouldn't be surprised!""" text29151;"""This is all bad, isn't it?""" text29152;"""Of course it is. I look at you and Himitsu, and I see no differences, borders, nations.""" text29153;"""Maybe that's the case in a perfect world, but I would prefer to have no differences somewhere far away from here.""" text29154;"""Have you ever read Heinlein?""" text29155;"""No, why?""" text29156;"""Nothing, I just think you'd like his books.""" text29157;"""Your whole world really is science fiction. Except there's no science in it!""" text29158;"""Himitsu had told me almost the same once.""" text29159;"""I've heard that somewhere before.""" text29160;"""See!""" text29161;"""What about you? You don't even have hobbies!""" text29162;"""Not for lack of desire…""" text29163;"""She replied, offended by my words.""" text29164;"""What do you mean?""" text29165;"""When you need to move all the time… I never told you…""" text29166;"""Even in the US we kept moving around the country every couple months.""" text29167;"""It's like I'm seven years old and can't be left alone! Or, at least, with my grandma!""" text29168;"""I didn't know.""" text29169;"""Good that you didn't — there's nothing interesting about that!""" text29170;"""Catherine stood up, smiled way too nicely, and gave me a hand.""" text29171;"""Let's go, I'm cold!""" text29172;"""Where…?""" text29173;"""I'd like to eat something, you?""" text29174;"""Can do. A cafe?""" text29175;"""Let's go to your place.""" text29176;"""But I have nothing to eat at home… Should we order something?""" text29177;"""I replied after a short pause.""" text29178;"""Why all of a sudden?""" text29179;"""I'll cook — we just need to drop by a store on the way.""" text29180;"""Alright, let's go…""" text29181;"""Catherine spent a long time meticulously choosing groceries.""" text29182;"""I would sometimes go shopping with Himitsu and always thought of it as routine, but now I was in awe.""" text29183;"""Catherine and I had known each other for a while, but what had we been doing usually? Yeah, that…""" text29184;"""And other dumb stuff that couples in love always do.""" text29185;"""Even now, little changed: we were fighting and scolding each other — a rather trivial thing to do for two people who had feelings for each other.""" text29186;"""My relationships with Catherine and with Himitsu were as different from each other as a melodrama about school love and a family sitcom.""" text29187;"""Besides, mere infatuation isn't enough: a really strong bond is formed through everyday, mundane moments.""" text29188;"""And it seemed as normal to me to do this with Himitsu as felt new with Catherine.""" text29189;"""However, there was something else.""" text29190;"""At first, all this daily stuff with a person you love creates a misleading feeling of intimacy, and that's when you start to imagine that you are like a family now and will never leave each other.""" text29191;"""Hopefully, the other person is of the same opinion…""" text29192;"""Then any unexpected issues will be unexpected for both of you.""" text29193;"""However, if that isn't the case, the first problem you run into will become a long-awaited excuse for them.""" text29194;"""Katya wanted to take some lettuce, while I had a preference for Chinese cabbage.""" text29195;"""Did it really matter?""" text29196;"""In order to avoid any disputes, I relented immediately, but it made me think…""" text29197;"""It was almost evening when we reached home.""" text29198;"""I don't mean to imply anything, but isn't this a bit much…?""" text29199;"""I demonstratively raised the bags in my hands that were indeed quite heavy.""" text29200;"""Luckily, Catherine flatly refused to take my money and paid for everything — I wasn't even sure if I had enough for all that…""" text29201;"""Are you unhappy about something?""" text29202;"""It just feels like you're going to cook for a whole regiment.""" text29203;"""Maybe I am.""" text29204;"""She smiled mysteriously and entered the yard.""" text29205;"""While Catherine was cooking, I sat down in front of the TV and started to think.""" text29206;"""I could hardly expect Himitsu to visit, but if she did, it would be quite difficult to explain all this to her.""" text29207;"""This sense of intimacy with Katya was growing stronger — as if that was exactly what she was trying to accomplish!""" text29208;"""Look, thank you, really…""" text29209;"""Catherine stopped cooking and looked at me, confused.""" text29210;"""I really need some support right now…""" text29211;"""\""And someone close around\"", — I wanted to add but held myself back.""" text29212;"""Happy to help.""" text29213;"""No, I'm serious!""" text29214;"""Well, so am I.""" text29215;"""The dinner was surprisingly delicious.""" text29216;"""Hamburgers and french fries. Homemade.""" text29217;"""You know, I don't eat this stuff often. Fast food is one thing, but it can't compare to this!""" text29218;"""I guess it'll add at least some variety to your menu then.""" text29219;"""She was clearly hinting at Himitsu's cooking, but I didn't reply, busy consuming the burger.""" text29220;"""To be frank, I was quite sceptical when you said you could cook.""" text29221;"""What about yesterday's breakfast?""" text29222;"""Well, sometimes even pigs fly.""" text29223;"""Catherine frowned.""" text29224;"""That's not nice, you know.""" text29225;"""And I thought that it sounded quite like her and in the spirit of our recent conversations.""" text29226;"""Sorry…""" text29227;"""Luckily for you, you won't have to eat it all the time. I think Himitsu will soon…""" text29228;"""She didn't finish the phrase and suddenly quickly looked at the clock.""" text29229;"""Late for something?""" text29230;"""I need to call my mom.""" text29231;"""The question \""Why?\"" was on the tip of my tongue, but I restrained myself.""" text29232;"""Go ahead. You know where the phone is.""" text29233;"""Catherine talked quietly, and I wasn't really trying to listen.""" text29234;"""At the moment I was more concerned with how to act with her going forward.""" text29235;"""Sorry that took so long.""" text29236;"""It was maybe a couple minutes.""" text29237;"""No worries.""" text29238;"""She looked a bit anxious.""" text29239;"""Is everything alright?""" text29240;"""Stupid question — why do people always ask it? And most importantly, what answer do you expect to hear?""" text29241;"""I know what you mean, gets to me too. Just a habit.""" text29242;"""I smiled apologetically.""" text29243;"""Let me wash the dishes.""" text29244;"""She started to hectically collect the dishes from the table.""" text29245;"""Well… okay.""" text29246;"""I returned to the TV, and Catherine started to wash dishes, doing it very slowly, deliberately slowly.""" text29247;"""What's on TV?""" text29248;"""Eventually, she finished and sat next to me. Dangerously close…""" text29249;"""Just some garbage…""" text29250;"""But Katya was a rather straightforward girl and usually preferred to talk directly rather than trouble herself with hints.""" text29251;"""I, on the other hand, knew that in such a situation I was fully at her mercy.""" text29252;"""If she moved any closer…""" text29253;"""I'll be right back…""" text29254;"""I stood up and walked out of the kitchen without looking back.""" text29255;"""If not for Himitsu… How would I be acting right now if we hadn't fought?""" text29256;"""And what would I have done a week or two ago?""" text29257;"""Apparently, I wouldn't have had any qualms of conscience – and that was exactly what was stopping me at this moment!""" text29258;"""What do we really fear the most — to be caught with a lover in bed? Or that our own sense of guilt will always be there, making itself known when we look into the eyes of the person we love?""" text29259;"""The funniest thing was that I felt guilty toward Himitsu even though we formally weren't in any kind of relationship.""" text29260;"""And now she wasn't talking to me at all!""" text29261;"""My dignity rebelled at last.""" text29262;"""I stopped by to the toilet for show then immediately returned to the TV.""" text29263;"""There was some sort of animal show on the screen.""" text29264;"""I don't understand anything, not a word!""" text29265;"""Katya said merrily, staring at the screen.""" text29266;"""What do you mean?""" text29267;"""Well, they use special terms, names…""" text29268;"""Well… yeah… I guess you don't know them in English either?""" text29269;"""A little bird with a giant red cap was sitting on a bench, looking important.""" text29270;"""Maybe.""" text29271;"""It's quite late already…""" text29272;"""For what?""" text29273;"""Shouldn't you go home?""" text29274;"""No.""" text29275;"""Catherine turned to me and smiled meaningfully.""" text29276;"""Are you kicking me out?""" text29277;"""It's just that your hints…""" text29278;"""I'm not trying to hint at anything. You can make me a bed in this room. I've already warned my mom.""" text29279;"""So that's why she was calling her mother!""" text29280;"""Why did it take me until now to notice that she was in her school uniform…?""" text29281;"""Katya, what is this all about?""" text29282;"""Last time it didn't end well…""" text29283;"""I'm just tired and feel too lazy to go home.""" text29284;"""No more than that! It's just you seeing hidden meanings in everything!""" text29285;"""I looked at the clock — it wasn't that late!""" text29286;"""If this is another game or joke of yours…""" text29287;"""If I wanted something, I would've told you!""" text29288;"""I guess she was right about that.""" text29289;"""Well, it's your call.""" text29290;"""…""" text29291;"""I was lying in my bed and couldn't close my eyes.""" text29292;"""Mostly because of the fact that Catherine was sleeping in the other room… Or was she?!""" text29293;"""She could easily come in the middle of the night and lie next to me.""" text29294;"""She'd get cold… or scared… or lonely…""" text29295;"""She would find a reason, come up with an excuse, and in the morning I would end up the one to blame anyway.""" text29296;"""But even more than that, I was terrified by my own desires!""" text29297;"""I would've never called myself a masochist, but in our relationship, she was definitely the sadist!""" text29298;"""The silence of the night felt oppressive.""" text29299;"""I walked through the house, trying to avoid the kitchen, and closed all the doors from inside.""" text29300;"""God spare me if Himitsu decided to come in the morning…""" text29301;"""Having locked and deadbolted all the doors, I finally managed to fall asleep."""