text28064;"""Circadian rhythms and the internal clock are powerful things!""" text28065;"""No matter how much I loved to sleep, unless I was hungover I'd usually wake up at more or less the same time anyway.""" text28066;"""Even if I'd gone to bed early in the morning.""" text28067;"""Of course, I could have buried myself in my bed and kept on sleeping, but Himitsu would soon arrive…""" text28068;"""Which meant I needed to get up anyway.""" text28069;"""On the other hand, I clearly had sleep issues.""" text28070;"""But where was Himitsu?""" text28071;"""I reluctantly got up and walked into the kitchen, but there was no one there.""" text28072;"""I doubted she'd be playing hide and seek with me.""" text28073;"""I hoped that nothing happened to her…""" text28074;"""When you fall asleep anxious, you have disturbing dreams and spend the whole night in anticipation of the morning, just to open your eyes and immediately remember all your worries.""" text28075;"""Still, I really wanted Himitsu nearby.""" text28076;"""Just to sit together, eat breakfast, have a cute chat about nothing, wait until she was done with washing dishes, then go to school.""" text28077;"""Perhaps she was busy with something? After all, she had her own life, didn't she?""" text28078;"""I was worried but tried to wave my thoughts away.""" text28079;"""Just a week ago — what am I saying! — two days ago, I wouldn't have placed any importance on it. Whether she did come or didn't, neither option would be surprising.""" text28080;"""I had no desire to make breakfast and wasn't particularly hungry anyway.""" text28081;"""So I needed to prepare for school.""" text28082;"""Partly because I'd see Himitsu there today! I would, right…?""" text28083;"""Not that I wasn't used to going to school without her.""" text28084;"""But it felt different from when I knew in advance that Himitsu wouldn't be there or when I didn't want to see her.""" text28085;"""Hundreds of irrelevant details that I would never notice otherwise jumped to my attention: the piles of rotting leaves here and there, the rubbish outside stores, the decayed water pipes, and the weird stench coming out of an alley.""" text28086;"""When Himitsu was around, I was usually occupied by a conversation with her. When I was alone, my own thoughts took over.""" text28087;"""But now I was overtaken by an oppressive anxiety — a condition where your perception is painfully sharp, all senses working at one hundred and ten percent.""" text28088;"""I walked into the classroom right before the bell, but that didn't stop Kyosuke from bombarding me with questions:""" text28089;"""Well hello there! How was your weekend?""" text28090;"""Worse than yours, I'm sure!""" text28091;"""Wanna bet? I, for one, don't live across from Himitsu-chan!""" text28092;"""Speaking of Himitsu… Has she dropped by?""" text28093;"""I tried to sound as disinterested as I could just to avoid any extra questions from him.""" text28094;"""No, I haven't seen her today, why?""" text28095;"""No, nothing.""" text28096;"""Didn't you see her over the weekend?""" text28097;"""I did… I saw her yesterday.""" text28098;"""So why?""" text28099;"""He wouldn't let up.""" text28100;"""You wanna know everything, don't you?""" text28101;"""My pudgy friend clearly wanted to ask something else, but the bell saved me from further interrogation.""" text28102;"""…""" text28103;"""Even in better times, I found it difficult to focus on lessons, and now I couldn't think about them at all.""" text28104;"""Catherine came to school but didn't give any indication that our relationship had changed, that we were friends now.""" text28105;"""No doubt those were all empty words, a non-aggression pact in the absence of a peace treaty.""" text28106;"""I wasn't inclined to diplomacy and pointless formalities by nature, so this whole thing of trying to play polite with Katya made me feel doubly disgusted.""" text28107;"""On the other hand, it was easier that way…""" text28108;"""During the break, I unthinkingly headed for Himitsu's class.""" text28109;"""Nobody was surprised to see me, and I approached Saya straight away.""" text28110;"""After all, we'd talked almost normally after karaoke…""" text28111;"""Hi. Is Himitsu…""" text28112;"""She went out somewhere.""" text28113;"""Well, at least she was alive!""" text28114;"""Wait! Did I really think that something had happened to her…?""" text28115;"""Didn't you come to school together?""" text28116;"""Her face immediately expressed curiosity.""" text28117;"""No.""" text28118;"""I replied briefly.""" text28119;"""I had no desire to lie or come up with excuses now.""" text28120;"""Should I tell her that you dropped by?""" text28121;"""No need, we'll find eachother anyway.""" text28122;"""I appreciated her effort to be polite and smiled at her.""" text28123;"""See you.""" text28124;"""Even Saya-chan was behaving relatively strangely…""" text28125;"""In order to calm down somewhat and collect my thoughts, I went to the roof.""" text28126;"""That was the only place in this school where I could have some time alone.""" text28127;"""The only thing that I didn't consider was that the roof had already been booked by Kagome.""" text28128;"""She was standing at the rail and looking out into the distance.""" text28129;"""I indicated my presence, coming closer.""" text28130;"""She reluctantly looked askew in my direction, then returned to observing a weekday afternoon in Tokyo.""" text28131;"""Her indifference even hurt me a bit.""" text28132;"""Not going to interrogate me?""" text28133;"""Why bother…""" text28134;"""Good! Because I have nothing to tell you.""" text28135;"""I paused, waiting for her reaction, but Kagome kept on ignoring me.""" text28136;"""Nothing at all!""" text28137;"""You'd think that Iwamura would leave right away, but she kept standing there as if she hadn't even noticed my presence.""" text28138;"""It had become considerably colder over the last week, and here on the roof a cold, bone-chilling wind was blowing.""" text28139;"""It was the first time this year that I felt winter coming.""" text28140;"""Not the romance of the golden autumn with its red and yellow days, but November's cold dampness that would strip bark off trees and freeze the earth to the roots.""" text28141;"""The jackets of our school uniform were warm enough, but I had to think about taking my winter clothes out of the wardrobe.""" text28142;"""My house was incomparably bigger than the old apartment we had back in the Soviet Union, so I had enough space for storing things.""" text28143;"""Japanese people probably don't even know what \""entresoles\"" are — a necessary part of any Soviet dwelling!""" text28144;"""Anything can be stored in them: from books to toys, from winter clothes to car parts, from grandfather's typewriter to the \""Zinger\"" sewing machine that used to belong, I think, to my grand-grandmother.""" text28145;"""Besides, they clearly didn't obey the laws of physics and hid more stuff behind their squeaky doors than their actual sizes allowed for.""" text28146;"""So long.""" text28147;"""Kagome said eventually, and I was left alone.""" text28148;"""All the best to you, too…""" text28149;"""The door to the roof slammed again — had she forgotten something?""" text28150;"""However, when I turned around, I saw Himitsu.""" text28151;"""Niko-kun. Saya-chan told me you were looking for me.""" text28152;"""She looked… normal.""" text28153;"""Is what I would've said if this wasn't Himitsu.""" text28154;"""Happiness or sadness were normal to her, but not this sort of detached attitude.""" text28155;"""Which, as it seemed to me, was her way of expresssing being upset with me.""" text28156;"""And I specifically asked her not to tell you about that.""" text28157;"""Why?""" text28158;"""Because… You know she and I don't have the best relationship.""" text28159;"""Are you upset with something?""" text28160;"""I thought you'd drop by in the morning.""" text28161;"""I replied straightforwardly.""" text28162;"""Sorry, I had something to do, I was even late for school.""" text28163;"""Himitsu looked away, and I couldn't understand whether she was deceiving me or just feeling guilty.""" text28164;"""But I'm glad you came today.""" text28165;"""What else could I do?""" text28166;"""After yesterday's… No, I mean…""" text28167;"""She panicked.""" text28168;"""I've already told you I'm not upset with you.""" text28169;"""But it doesn't feel like you mean it. Because… because if I were you, I'd be upset!""" text28170;"""Himitsu came closer and stood next to me.""" text28171;"""I saw that senpai when I was walking here. She looked… unhappy. What did you talk about?""" text28172;"""Kagome… Iwamura?""" text28173;"""So she's Kagome to you already?""" text28174;"""Himitsu smirked playfully.""" text28175;"""Are you jealous?""" text28176;"""You bet!""" text28177;"""Well, she's the last person you should be jealous of! You see, Iwamura doesn't really like the company of other people. She left as soon as she saw me.""" text28178;"""That was actually true.""" text28179;"""You two have something in common then!""" text28180;"""Is that a hint?""" text28181;"""Not at all!""" text28182;"""Now, everything seemed normal.""" text28183;"""We were talking, joking, Himitsu was laughing, but I could feel some sort of awkwardness and tension between us.""" text28184;"""I was sure she could feel it too.""" text28185;"""By the way, sorry, I haven't had the time to make a bento today.""" text28186;"""No worries. Although, I haven't even had breakfast…""" text28187;"""Hey! Niko-kun, are you doing this on purpose?""" text28188;"""Doing what?""" text28189;"""Acting like a child!""" text28190;"""No… Fine, I'll drop by the cafeteria with Kyosuke. He definitely won't mind!""" text28191;"""That's the spirit!""" text28192;"""Alright, let's go, the bell is about to ring.""" text28193;"""Alright.""" text28194;"""We walked down the stairs, and I was about to go back to the classroom.""" text28195;"""Niko-kun, I'm going to be busy after school.""" text28196;"""Himitsu said, as if apologizing.""" text28197;"""Got it, then… see you tonight?""" text28198;"""See you tonight.""" text28199;"""She smiled, bidding me farewell.""" text28200;"""…""" text28201;"""I was sitting in the classroom, thinking about Himitsu.""" text28202;"""About the way she was behaving after I learned the truth about her father.""" text28203;"""About the way she should have been behaving, in my opinion.""" text28204;"""Except that I wasn't even sure what I wanted.""" text28205;"""There was one thing I knew — I was fed up both with her excuses and pleas for forgiveness.""" text28206;"""If I were to really think about it, what was she guilty of?""" text28207;"""Of her father asking her to keep an eye on me?""" text28208;"""Of the fact that out of the goodness of her heart and naivety she had been telling him everything about her life, including us, me?""" text28209;"""Of not going and telling me as soon as she received that request?""" text28210;"""It was probably the latter — the only thing that she was responsible for directly.""" text28211;"""Children shouldn't pay for their parents' sins — I knew that as well as anyone!""" text28212;"""Classes finished pretty quickly, or at least it felt like they did.""" text28213;"""Even faster than usual, as I wasn't constantly glancing at the clock, counting the minutes, being occupied with my thoughts.""" text28214;"""However, there was still a lot of time left before evening.""" text28215;"""I slowly packed up my bag, went downstairs, changed my shoes, and walked outside, where Michael approached me.""" text28216;"""Want to take a walk?""" text28217;"""Alright.""" text28218;"""…""" text28219;"""We walked out the school gates and headed for my home, although it was clearly out of Michael's way.""" text28220;"""That meant he wanted to talk about something. Something that wasn't meant to be heard by anyone else.""" text28221;"""Go ahead, don't keep me waiting.""" text28222;"""Keeping up the same pace, Michael said:""" text28223;"""What have you decided about Catherine?""" text28224;"""What about her?""" text28225;"""Nick, I'm serious.""" text28226;"""So am I. I think I said everything clearly last time.""" text28227;"""Then I didn't understand you.""" text28228;"""That's unfortunate.""" text28229;"""And still…""" text28230;"""I stopped and sighed heavily.""" text28231;"""To be frank, the situation with Himitsu was much more important to me now!""" text28232;"""But then why couldn't I give him a straight answer?""" text28233;"""Like, \""Misha, you can have my Katya – may you live in love and harmony!\""""" text28234;"""Look, I'm grateful for your… honesty. But my opinion doesn't matter here.""" text28235;"""It's important to me.""" text28236;"""In that case, I can only repeat what I told you earlier.""" text28237;"""It's none of my business.""" text28238;"""I'm not ready to discuss that now.""" text28239;"""By trying to deny the obvious, you're letting me know how you really feel.""" text28240;"""I am not…""" text28241;"""He was starting to drive me mad.""" text28242;"""I am not trying to deny anything! Since when did you become a psychologist?""" text28243;"""If you really need Catherine — go and tell her yourself! She'd appreciate the courage, I guarantee that!""" text28244;"""Perhaps I will.""" text28245;"""Yeah, would you please?!""" text28246;"""I said sarcastically and walked away.""" text28247;"""However, Michael kept following me.""" text28248;"""Your house is in the other direction.""" text28249;"""I just want to do everything right. I know I shouldn't try and cut in front of you.""" text28250;"""The victor is always right.""" text28251;"""But it felt as if I were pushing him toward Catherine.""" text28252;"""Even if I didn't want that — that's how my words sounded.""" text28253;"""You know what? Do whatever you want! Seriously, I don't care! Because, either way, the result depends on neither you nor me.""" text28254;"""And I don't even know, or want to know, or want to imagine what's going on inside her head.""" text28255;"""Besides, I can see that you really have a crush on her — I've never seen you so… anxious!""" text28256;"""I snickered.""" text28257;"""I think you can understand how I feel.""" text28258;"""I could before.""" text28259;"""What changed then?""" text28260;"""What changed… everything did!""" text28261;"""It's quite logical that after many years of living together, some people begin to wonder how they even managed to fall in love with the other person in the first place.""" text28262;"""Catherine and I hadn't been married, but the analogy was still appropriate.""" text28263;"""Okay, I won't bother you any longer.""" text28264;"""He reached out, and I shook his hand a bit too firmly, then watched him for some time as he walked away.""" text28265;"""A train station appeared from behind the corner, and suddenly I felt extremely depressed by the thought that I had to sit in the house all alone until evening just waiting for Himitsu…""" text28266;"""Pretending that everything was alright.""" text28267;"""And then I would have dinner with a fake smile on my face, speak meaningless words into the air, expecting equally meaningless answers.""" text28268;"""After hesitating a minute, I walked confidently towards the station.""" text28269;"""Many people like to pointlessly ride trains.""" text28270;"""If you look closer, you'll notice that every one of them has their own reason why.""" text28271;"""Yet this unique railway romance is the same for everybody.""" text28272;"""The feeling of an endless road, fellow riders you know nothing about, the absence of purpose (and, more importantly, the absence of the need for one), new landscapes, new cities with old houses, where different people live.""" text28273;"""I was more fond of walking, sometimes in unfamiliar places.""" text28274;"""But to be in those places, you need to reach them first.""" text28275;"""It's not always possible to do so on foot, as your immediate surroundings have been thoroughly explored already.""" text28276;"""Nevertheless, this time I got off at a familiar stop — that merchant district on the waterfront near the port.""" text28277;"""Why there exactly?""" text28278;"""I guess because this place had given me some hope — this was where I had met Ichinose, who knew at least something about the mysteries of my past and the dangers of the present.""" text28279;"""Was I really hoping to find the answers to the questions about my future amongst the tiny stores and fish smell?""" text28280;"""Merchants of all kinds were happily heading to and fro on the causeway, while others were soliciting customers to enter their shops; right in the middle of the road, children were playing with a ball, paying no attention to the shouts and threats of the local old ladies; the cacophony of ship sirens and the roar of turbines could be heard coming from the port.""" text28281;"""Perhaps that was exactly the reason why I came there — to get a taste of a life that was totally unfamiliar to me, fill my lungs with salty sea air and feel the sting of the cold winter's wind.""" text28282;"""To be among people without being a part of the сrowd, to observe their daily lives.""" text28283;"""It seemed to me that few people would find this interesting — why would you want to watch others' boring lives when you had enough problems of your own?""" text28284;"""Was that woman selling fish a celebrity?""" text28285;"""Or was that hunched old man, pushing an empty trolley, a famous athlete?""" text28286;"""It was unlikely that any of these children would become legendary football players.""" text28287;"""I knew all that, yet I seemed to envy their simple pleasures and, in a way, more peaceful lives.""" text28288;"""Yeah, I could hardly picture myself waking up at first light every day to pick up another batch of fresh fish at the port to sell later.""" text28289;"""Carry a dozen kilograms back and forth, then handle some other undoubtedly important things until evening.""" text28290;"""But I was somehow confident that none of them were experiencing any of my problems — the love, the spying, and this fascinating introspection.""" text28291;"""And I was envious of them, with an admiring rather than hateful envy, but it didn't make me feel any better.""" text28292;"""What a coincidence! I didn't expect to see you here.""" text28293;"""Somebody called out to me as I sat on a bench.""" text28294;"""There was something wrong with the voice, although it sounded familiar. Right, it spoke Russian.""" text28295;"""After a moment, Irina Mostovaya appeared from out of the crowd.""" text28296;"""I doubt this is a coincidence, although I have to admit I am surprised.""" text28297;"""There was no fear — we were in a public place, and Irina seemed to have come just to talk.""" text28298;"""Surprised I'm talking to you just like this, in the middle of the day?""" text28299;"""Well, yeah, sure.""" text28300;"""Don't worry, nobody has been following you.""" text28301;"""She sat down next to me and calmly looked around.""" text28302;"""Except for me.""" text28303;"""On the other hand, she could know that I had met with Ichinose here, which wouldn't be the best state of affairs.""" text28304;"""Well, then you must be doing a better job than the Corporation.""" text28305;"""You must be asking yourself how much we know by now, right? Well, we are aware of the fact that you went to the village to see Ito Ryunosuke's parents. And returned suspiciously early. You didn't even stop by for tea!""" text28306;"""She smirked, but her eyes remained cold and emotionless, piercing — it seemed that she saw no more of a human in me than Dr Mengele did in his patients.""" text28307;"""If you know everything already, what's this conversation for?""" text28308;"""At least it seemed that she wasn't aware of my meetings with Ichinose.""" text28309;"""We have a business offer for you.""" text28310;"""One I won't be able to reject?""" text28311;"""It's always up to you, but you need to consider the possible consequences.""" text28312;"""So, we're asking you to collect as much information about Ito as possible — documents, papers, any valuable data in any form. Perhaps you might overhear something…""" text28313;"""In return, we will ensure your protection, and, if needed, can even take you to the USSR.""" text28314;"""Sorry, but I'm not signing up to be a spy.""" text28315;"""Nikolai, you've been in the game ever since you came to Japan with your parents. Doesn't matter if you wanted it or not. You know the saying, \""There are no former chekists\""?""" text28316;"""But I'm not even a former…""" text28317;"""We can give you some time to think about our offer…""" text28318;"""Why? To choose between a firing squad and hanging?""" text28319;"""I grinned sadly.""" text28320;"""Why the fatalism?""" text28321;"""Because!""" text28322;"""I ground my teeth and frowned.""" text28323;"""I could just strangle her right there, right now, go to Japanese prison, and be safe there from all these bloody spies and counterspies.""" text28324;"""In return, I'd like some answers.""" text28325;"""Ask.""" text28326;"""Why do you even think I might be able to find anything at all? I doubt Ryunosuke-san keeps important documents where I could see them!""" text28327;"""That's what you're going to find out.""" text28328;"""What exactly should I look for?""" text28329;"""Any information that might seem… interesting. If I could tell you more, I would! But, unfortunately, Nikolai, I don't know any details.""" text28330;"""I get it… You lose nothing by risking me.""" text28331;"""Do you think it would be so easy for him to get rid of you after all these years?""" text28332;"""Which brings me to my second question. You must know that he has a daughter. And we've known each other for a lifetime! Is she… Is Himitsu somehow involved in all this?""" text28333;"""It was the first time during the whole conversation Irina's expression grew serious.""" text28334;"""We don't know anything about that.""" text28335;"""But you can't exclude the possibility?""" text28336;"""With matters as serious as this, I can't exclude the possibility that even Ito's cat might be involved.""" text28337;"""How did she even know they had a cat…?""" text28338;"""Are you sure this is an appropriate time for jokes?""" text28339;"""I'm not joking, Nikolai. So, what have you decided?""" text28340;"""What have I decided…""" text28341;"""If I were to agree, I would be doing the same thing Himitsu had done to me.""" text28342;"""I guess it would be best to tell her everything as soon as possible.""" text28343;"""However, by doing so, I would drag her even deeper into all this, I'd be subjecting her to real danger!""" text28344;"""At the moment Himitsu was mostly just her father's tool, but if I agreed to the offer, she might also become of interest to the KGB.""" text28345;"""But on the other hand, if I were to find something, it would be the first time I'd have my hands on something valuable, and my importance in the eyes of the KGB and Japanese intelligence would rise dramatically.""" text28346;"""It was probably too early to say that I could try changing the rules in my favor, but, in the end, it could ensure not only my safety but also Himitsu's!""" text28347;"""I'm ready to try, but I can't guarantee any results — I hope you realize that?""" text28348;"""Of course!""" text28349;"""Irina's lips stretched into a smile so fake that it made me shudder.""" text28350;"""What's important is that you do your best!""" text28351;"""But if it doesn't work out…""" text28352;"""Let's not think about the worst in advance!""" text28353;"""I wanted to say that that wasn't an answer but stopped myself.""" text28354;"""Would whatever it was that I might hear make me feel better?""" text28355;"""Besides, it was foolish to expect she'd tell the truth.""" text28356;"""\""We will kill you if you don't manage\""?""" text28357;"""What, like that? No…""" text28358;"""Your words aren't exactly encouraging.""" text28359;"""I just want you to understand how serious the situation is.""" text28360;"""I do, better than anyone!""" text28361;"""Attaboy! See you in a week, same place, same time.""" text28362;"""She stood up, gave me another fake smile as a farewell and disappeared into the crowd.""" text28363;"""Yeah, today's walk sure turned out to be productive…""" text28364;"""I returned home a bit earlier than expected — before dinner, and thus had some time before Himitsu's arrival.""" text28365;"""That conversation with Irina on the waterfront left a bad aftertaste — she made me an offer I quite literally couldn't refuse.""" text28366;"""I wasn't even worried about myself, as it couldn't get worse for me anyway, except maybe that I'd just taken a few more steps toward a miserable end…""" text28367;"""Why did I even ask about Himitsu? They could use her!""" text28368;"""They could have done so before too, probably, but for whatever reason decided not to.""" text28369;"""The front door opened with the same sound as usual: it wasn't slow or fast — the way she alone could, while I would regularly slam it without even meaning to, just paying no attention.""" text28370;"""Niko-kun?""" text28371;"""Himitsu called from the hall.""" text28372;"""I'm here.""" text28373;"""She entered the kitchen, gave me a somehow detached look, and started taking groceries out of the bag.""" text28374;"""How are you?""" text28375;"""Fine.""" text28376;"""Himitsu replied briefly, her attention focused on cooking.""" text28377;"""I mean — how's everything with…""" text28378;"""For the life of me, I couldn't recall what she was going to do after class.""" text28379;"""With this…""" text28380;"""School festival.""" text28381;"""Yeah, right, school festival! How is it going?""" text28382;"""Fine.""" text28383;"""She replied in the same dry tone.""" text28384;"""It was weird, she didn't seem to be particularly upset in the afternoon.""" text28385;"""You won't even ask me how my day went?""" text28386;"""Is there a point?""" text28387;"""I don't know… You usually ask.""" text28388;"""And you usually don't reply. Or come up with excuses.""" text28389;"""I had no retort, as I wasn't ready to tell her about Irina's offer.""" text28390;"""…""" text28391;"""Would you say I'm wrong?""" text28392;"""Well, I wouldn't be so harsh…""" text28393;"""What else do you expect, Niko-kun?""" text28394;"""Himitsu stopped peeling potatoes and finally looked at me.""" text28395;"""You accuse me of something I didn't even do! But you hide things all the time yourself…. You lie to me!""" text28396;"""Despite the contents of her words, her tone was relatively calm.""" text28397;"""I was mostly hurt by the fact that Himitsu had never accused me of telling lies directly before. At least, like this!""" text28398;"""I… I don't lie to you. And I'm not accusing you of anything…""" text28399;"""Yeah, right!""" text28400;"""She sarcastically flung her arms up in the air and returned to peeling potatoes, cutting a solid half of a tuber with each motion.""" text28401;"""Are you really trying to deceive me? Or just pitying me?""" text28402;"""Himitsu switched from Russian to Japanese, something that didn't happen to her often when we were alone.""" text28403;"""Do you think it's easy for me? Do you think I asked my father to put me in a situation like this?""" text28404;"""And now it turns out that you don't trust me! And you even seem to have reasons for that!""" text28405;"""Niko-kun, think about my feelings! You're accusing me of something that isn't even my fault! Not out loud maybe, but you think it!""" text28406;"""I didn't want things to turn out like this, and I can't fix them! Do you understand?!""" text28407;"""I was expecting her to start crying, but she continued in a firm and confident tone:""" text28408;"""Tell me honestly, what's going on?!""" text28409;"""What do you mean?""" text28410;"""I asked, surprised.""" text28411;"""You know what! I know you've been hiding something from me! I know that in different circumstances, you wouldn't have told me anything at all!""" text28412;"""Niko-kun, I'm not a little girl anymore — you don't need to protect me! I love you, and I want to be with you in happiness and sorrow.""" text28413;"""There could be no doubt that she was speaking sincerely, and I felt pained and disgusted by the fact that I hadn't told her about the meeting with Irina, and many other things.""" text28414;"""But, on the other hand, I just couldn't… I physically wasn't able to, my mouth wouldn't let me do it, all the words were getting stuck in my throat!""" text28415;"""Maybe I really was too protective of Himitsu — but it was all for her own good!""" text28416;"""And how would it sound: I was asked to spy on her father, and was considering if I should agree?""" text28417;"""I've already told you everything I know…""" text28418;"""I replied quietly, lowering my eyes.""" text28419;"""Oh, that's it, then?""" text28420;"""Himitsu said coldly and grabbed a plate suddenly.""" text28421;"""That's it?!""" text28422;"""She threw it to the floor, immediately grabbing another one.""" text28423;"""So that's what all your talk about love amounts to?!""" text28424;"""Ding! — glass shards scattered all over the place.""" text28425;"""Why did I ever think that you were trying to protect me from something?!""" text28426;"""Another plate broke into pieces.""" text28427;"""Maybe you just take me for an idiot and don't want me in your way?!""" text28428;"""And another one…""" text28429;"""Sunshine, that's enough already…""" text28430;"""I said impotently.""" text28431;"""My whole body seemed to turn to jelly, I couldn't even find the energy to stand up.""" text28432;"""That's all you can say?""" text28433;"""There were no plates left, and Himitsu was standing, breathing heavily, looking at me with eyes full of resentment.""" text28434;"""I really don't blame you for your father! And I reacted like this at first… Well, because it was too sudden!""" text28435;"""And how do you think I felt?! He's my father!""" text28436;"""Sorry…""" text28437;"""I babbled.""" text28438;"""I was disgusted by my sudden indecisiveness and softness.""" text28439;"""I see you don't trust me…""" text28440;"""She took a few steps towards me, but, in the end, sunk heavily onto a chair and turned away.""" text28441;"""I can't keep this up any longer, Niko-kun…""" text28442;"""Your parents… This Corporation… My father… Katty-chan…""" text28443;"""I just want to be with you, but if you don't trust me… If you don't need me…""" text28444;"""Himitsu, wait! Calm down! I need you…""" text28445;"""In that case, it's a pity you do everything possible to prove the opposite.""" text28446;"""I stood up and was about to approach her, but Himitsu jumped away immediately.""" text28447;"""I should go. I hope you'll be able to handle dinner by yourself.""" text28448;"""But wait…""" text28449;"""I need to be alone.""" text28450;"""I decided not to stop her.""" text28451;"""…""" text28452;"""Perhaps that was for the better?""" text28453;"""If nothing was to tie us together, she'd lose all value in the eyes of Japanese intelligence and the KGB!""" text28454;"""Then next time I would tell Irina that I wasn't going to spy on anyone!""" text28455;"""And let the responsibility for my own decisions lie on my shoulders only…""" text28456;"""I was twisting and turning in my bed, trying to fall asleep to no avail.""" text28457;"""What I was so afraid of had finally come to pass!""" text28458;"""Himitsu finally broke down!""" text28459;"""And not even because of my attitude toward her, but rather due to my сlumsy attempts to protect her.""" text28460;"""So stupid… So silly and funny, like in a bad tragicomedy.""" text28461;"""While I was running back and forth between her and Catherine, not giving a damn about her feelings, everything was normal.""" text28462;"""What did I do wrong in the end?!""" text28463;"""I could feel a lump in my throat, all my memories of Himitsu, from our childhood days till the most recent times, passing before my eyes.""" text28464;"""I felt ashamed to lie to her, but now more than ever, I had confidence in my decision.""" text28465;"""Let her resent me, stop talking to me, become distant and forget me…""" text28466;"""That would be for her own good."""