text22199;"""The next morning I woke up with the feeling I'd committed a terrible mistake."""
text22200;"""Kagome was already up, making breakfast — and it seemed there was no way back anymore."""
text22201;"""It was hard for me to imagine that she'd back off after what happened'd happened between us last night."""
text22202;"""And even if Ellie changed her mind, she'd never forgive me infidelity."""
text22203;"""So I could only lean back and enjoy the ride."""
text22204;"""Kagome acted cute, even somewhat too cute."""
text22205;"""If she wanted me to like her, she was absolutely succeeding, but on the other hand, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd ended up in an expensive hotel, pampered by experienced waiters and maids — but only so long as I didn't run out of money."""
text22206;"""There was something about this relationship — not a catch, exactly, but a kind of formality."""
text22207;"""Nevertheless, in public and at school Kagome was more reserved."""
text22208;"""I asked her if I'd be better to pretend there was nothing between us, but she just shrugged in response."""
text22209;"""In any case, I didn't want everyone around to think that I changed girls like socks."""
text22210;"""Especially Kyosuke, who would never have understood why I \""traded\"" Ellie-sama for Iwamura."""
text22211;"""Although I wouldn't be able to hide my breakup with Ellie for long anyway."""
text22212;"""Especially considering that she'd stopped going to school…"""
text22213;"""Officially, it was never announced that Ellie transferred to another school, but from that day on, none of her classmates saw her."""
text22214;"""Including Takehito, with who I had a rather unpleasant conversation."""
text22215;"""At some point I dropped by the Z FEEL-Z studio and found out that Ellie was alright, but just needed to \""take a break from it all\""."""
text22216;"""As for my relationship with Kagome, it hit the brakes from the very beginning."""
text22217;"""Usually, we'd go to my place after school, have sex, and then she'd almost immediately go home on the pretence of having a lot of work at the restaurant."""
text22218;"""We didn't go on dates, almost didn't talk about anything besides school, and had little in common overall."""
text22219;"""But the longer it continued, the more I clung to this relationship — because it was the only valuable thing left in my life."""
text22220;"""I had to give Kagome credit as well — she wasn't doing anything extraordinary, but at the same time didn't start fights, didn't get hysterical, didn't argue about trivial things, generally behaving like a good, obedient oriental wife."""
text22221;"""And her cooking was no worse than Himitsu's."""
text22222;"""Under different circumstances, I would probably have gotten bored of this."""
text22223;"""Some people can't live without an intensive external stimulation — be it seemingly ridiculous purchases, travels, rock music, love affairs, wild parties, or explosions of emotion in their relationships."""
text22224;"""I was probably one of those people."""
text22225;"""But after everything that'd happened this autumn, even I needed a break and a safe haven to recover."""
text22226;"""And Kagome provided exactly that."""
text22227;"""…"""
text22228;"""I was sitting in the kitchen, watching my new girlfriend cook breakfast."""
text22229;"""One of the rare nights we spent together had just ended, and this morning started Kagome's day off from the restaurant."""
text22230;"""Don't you want to… go somewhere together?"""
text22231;"""Where?"""
text22232;"""She drew her eyes away from the stove and looked at me with surprise."""
text22233;"""Well, I don't know. Kyosuke mentioned there's an entry discount for couples today at the amusement park."""
text22234;"""That's a great idea, Niko-san, but… I still have a lot of homework to do — I wanted to prepare for the test."""
text22235;"""Right, the test…"""
text22236;"""It would be a good idea for you too."""
text22237;"""Are you going to enroll somewhere after school?"""
text22238;"""Of course."""
text22239;"""I was expecting the question \""and you aren't?\"". <w>But it didn't follow."""
text22240;"""Where?"""
text22241;"""The Economics faculty at Todai."""
text22242;"""Todai?!"""
text22243;"""I exclaimed louder than I wanted."""
text22244;"""What's wrong with it?"""
text22245;"""Nothing, just…"""
text22246;"""The girl had ambition!"""
text22247;"""Of course, I knew that Kagome was an excellent student, but there are many excellent students and only one Todai."""
text22248;"""On the other hand, the entrance exams are the same for everyone: if you pass, you get in."""
text22249;"""Same for everyone, except not…"""
text22250;"""I couldn't imagine Ellie not making it in even if she didn't show up for exams at all."""
text22251;"""Although, her grandfather would probably send her to study abroad."""
text22252;"""And there I was remembering Ellie again!"""
text22253;"""I should have forgotten already — everything was over between us, and it could well be that we'd never see each other again."""
text22254;"""What are you thinking about, Niko-san? Imagining how I might meet Kobayashi there?"""
text22255;"""It's like she was reading my mind."""
text22256;"""Yes… I mean no!"""
text22257;"""Don't worry. Even if I study at Todai and you don't, we'll still be together!"""
text22258;"""That's a relief."""
text22259;"""I said without much enthusiasm, but Kagome didn't react in any way."""
text22260;"""So are you sure you don't want to go anywhere today?"""
text22261;"""It's not that I don't want to, Niko-san…"""
text22262;"""She finally finished cooking and put some fried rice with vegetables on my plate."""
text22263;"""It was a bit too heavy a dish for breakfast but I refrained from any comments."""
text22264;"""They just don't accept slackers at Todai!"""
text22265;"""Right, not that was aiming for it in the first place."""
text22266;"""She didn't say anything again, although I really wanted to hear something from her — even if it was a snide, sarcastic remark."""
text22267;"""Is everything alright at home?"""
text22268;"""Why do you ask?"""
text22269;"""I don't know… Maybe because your father was kidnapped recently?"""
text22270;"""Yes, dad is doing well."""
text22271;"""She replied casually, like we were talking about something absolutely trivial."""
text22272;"""And how are things at the restaurant?"""
text22273;"""The whole time we were together, Kagome never invited me to her place."""
text22274;"""Everything's fine, thanks."""
text22275;"""Fine is fine."""
text22276;"""I sighed and started eating."""
text22277;"""…"""
text22278;"""Day passed after day, and at some point it started to seem like Himitsu had come back to my life."""
text22279;"""Although even she hadn't been that distant."""
text22280;"""The only place where I could truly \""feel\"" Kagome was in bed, the rest of the time we resembled roommates more than anything."""
text22281;"""Roommates in a good relationship, who treated each other respectfully but were still forced to live together by circumstance, lacking the money for places of their own."""
text22282;"""As soon as they found the money, they'd split and never see eachother again."""
text22283;"""Or maybe that's how Kagome saw it."""
text22284;"""I was still afraid of losing her and being left completely alone."""
text22285;"""In the end, they found out about our relationship at school."""
text22286;"""Kyosuke wasn't happy, sure, but his reaction was calmer than I'd expected."""
text22287;"""Meanwhile, the others began to steer clear of me — Kagome's social status probably being the reason."""
text22288;"""Well, that was expected though no less painful for it."""
text22289;"""It felt that the longer it continued, the more I lost connection to reality."""
text22290;"""Gradually, my world started to fixate on Iwamura."""
text22291;"""Kyosuke wasn't offended, but he would no longer talking to me as often."""
text22292;"""Michael was never the most outgoing person of the class in the first place."""
text22293;"""And the rest of the guys, who I never used to talk to even before, started to avoid me."""
text22294;"""Naturally, it didn't bother Kagome at all, because she'd gotten used to it. <w>(Or, at least, she was good at pretending she had)."""
text22295;"""…"""
text22296;"""One time we were having lunch on the roof, I was enjoying the bento she'd made."""
text22297;"""Listen, do you ever get lonely?"""
text22298;"""Lonely?"""
text22299;"""Well, I mean, because the others avoid you."""
text22300;"""I wanted to find a more neutral expression but couldn't."""
text22301;"""Niko-san, are you worried that they're avoiding you too now?"""
text22302;"""She looked at me attentively and smiled."""
text22303;"""You know, yeah, the thought did cross my mind."""
text22304;"""But you have me."""
text22305;"""She moved closer and wrapped herself around my arm."""
text22306;"""And I'm happy about that, sure…"""
text22307;"""But it doesn't seem like you are."""
text22308;"""It's just… Nevermind, forget it. So much has happened recently."""
text22309;"""But it's all over now?"""
text22310;"""It is…"""
text22311;"""If a meteorite falls on your head, what's the probability that a second one will follow?"""
text22312;"""Still, your biggest fear will be that another rock from the sky will finish the work of its brother."""
text22313;"""And so I couldn't shake the feeling that nothing was over yet."""
text22314;"""Are you that afraid that Kobayashi will take revenge on you?"""
text22315;"""At first I didn't even get the question."""
text22316;"""Take revenge? On me? Why?"""
text22317;"""Well, I don't know what these ojou-samas have on their minds."""
text22318;"""Of course, I wasn't afraid of Ellie's revenge. <w>Her grandfather was a different matter."""
text22319;"""But that issue seemed to have been resolved as well."""
text22320;"""It's like the two of you are at war."""
text22321;"""A class one, you could say."""
text22322;"""Kagome scoffed and returned to her bento."""
text22323;"""And you, Niko-san? After what Kobayashi has done to you, haven't you changed your opinion about her?"""
text22324;"""I tried to find anger or resentment inside me, yet couldn't."""
text22325;"""All I felt when I thought about Ellie was guilt and loss."""
text22326;"""But why would I blame myself for what'd happened?!"""
text22327;"""Well, people break up — it happens…"""
text22328;"""But you two didn't — she just ditched you!"""
text22329;"""Ditched me…"""
text22330;"""Niko-san!"""
text22331;"""It wasn't often I saw genuine irritation on her face."""
text22332;"""What do you want from me? To get revenge on her?"""
text22333;"""Why, that's not a bad idea."""
text22334;"""Come on. I need to move on — you said it yourself."""
text22335;"""Did I?"""
text22336;"""You did… Or could have."""
text22337;"""Yeah, I guess."""
text22338;"""Alright."""
text22339;"""This conversation had seriously started to get on my nerves — I closed the box with the unfinished bento and stood up."""
text22340;"""It was delicious. As always! Thank you."""
text22341;"""I'm glad."""
text22342;"""Kagome smiled cutely, stood up and kissed me in the cheek."""
text22343;"""Let's go back to class?"""
text22344;"""Uh-huh."""
text22345;"""…"""
text22346;"""Can you run away from yourself?"""
text22347;"""Sometimes that race continues your entire life, sometimes it ends quickly and regrettably."""
text22348;"""I genuinely hoped I would have a long relationship with Kagome and that it wouldn't turn into a rollercoaster ride like my previous romances."""
text22349;"""At the same time, every day I was getting more convinced that it would've been better if we had met under different circumstances."""
text22350;"""Quite a bit of time passed, and I almost got used to my new life."""
text22351;"""The doubts in whether I did the right thing by choosing Kagome began to fade."""
text22352;"""After all, a person can adjust to anything, right?"""
text22353;"""My arms, legs, and head were intact, my bank account was looking alright, I even had a girlfriend — what else could I wish for?"""
text22354;"""Another day was going according to the schedule, the classes were over, and Kagome said she was busy at the restaurant today."""
text22355;"""I walked out of school and was about to go home to enjoy some leisure time, when I saw someone I absolutely had not expected to see."""
text22356;"""Tokyo Rider."""
text22357;"""Yo!"""
text22358;"""He noticed me and waved his hand."""
text22359;"""To what do I owe the honor?"""
text22360;"""It's about El."""
text22361;"""What about her?"""
text22362;"""I tried to look as disinterested as possible but at the mention of Ellie my heart skipped a beat."""
text22363;"""We've got a concert today, but El is doing real bad."""
text22364;"""<i>Doing real bad?</i>"""
text22365;"""She's being getting worse lately."""
text22366;"""<i>Getting worse</i>? Can you be more specific? She's not an old woman!"""
text22367;"""His usual manner of speaking began to irritate me."""
text22368;"""You better see for yourself. El should be in the club in an hour, maybe an hour and a half."""
text22369;"""I don't think she'd be too happy."""
text22370;"""I wouldn't normally ask."""
text22371;"""Jesus, what happened now?"""
text22372;"""You know she's fond of certain substances, right?"""
text22373;"""Let's say I do."""
text22374;"""I grew alarmed."""
text22375;"""Since morning she's been like… we're not sure she can get through this concert."""
text22376;"""What can I do to help? I'm not a doctor."""
text22377;"""He suddenly looked at me very closely from behind his glasses and frowned."""
text22378;"""Well, it was my job to warn you. With that, I bid my farewell."""
text22379;"""He quickly walked away to his sports car that was parked nearby."""
text22380;"""I'd never really thought that Ellie might slip back into her old habits."""
text22381;"""But conscience is always the best supervisor."""
text22382;"""She'd cut all ties with me — so then it was no longer my problem…?"""
text22383;"""Niko-san, who was that?"""
text22384;"""I jumped and turned around."""
text22385;"""Don't scare me like that!"""
text22386;"""Kagome was standing in front of me and looking at me questioningly."""
text22387;"""I thought you'd left already."""
text22388;"""I had something to do in the staff room."""
text22389;"""Ah, I see…"""
text22390;"""So who was that?"""
text22391;"""There was no reason to lie to her now, but at the same time something was preventing me from telling the truth."""
text22392;"""Did Kagome know Tokyo Rider personally? <w>Unlikely."""
text22393;"""Maybe if I had been more honest with Ellie in the past…"""
text22394;"""I sighed heavily and said slowly:"""
text22395;"""We used to play together in Z FEEL-Z."""
text22396;"""I see. And what did he want?"""
text22397;"""He asked me to talk to Ellie."""
text22398;"""Talk to her? About what?"""
text22399;"""Nothing much…"""
text22400;"""My interest in honesty faded quickly."""
text22401;"""Niko-san!"""
text22402;"""Kagome frowned all of a sudden."""
text22403;"""What? They're having a problem with their music, and he thinks I can help."""
text22404;"""That's it?"""
text22405;"""Yes, what else?"""
text22406;"""And what are you going to do?"""
text22407;"""Nothing. I don't see how I can help… in their situation."""
text22408;"""She squinted, as if trying to figure out whether I was lying or not."""
text22409;"""That's the right decision, Niko-san."""
text22410;"""I'm glad you understand this."""
text22411;"""I decided not to specify what <i>this</i> was."""
text22412;"""Alright, I need to help grandpa at the restaurant today, I've told you already. Bye."""
text22413;"""Bye."""
text22414;"""For quite a while longer I kept standing there, watching Kagome go until she disappeared behind a turn."""
text22415;"""…"""
text22416;"""So, it turned out it was stupid to imagine that Ellie had disappeared from my life for good."""
text22417;"""Walking home, I was thinking about what I'd heard from Tokyo Rider."""
text22418;"""Maybe things really were that bad if he'd decided to turn to me?"""
text22419;"""But again, what could I do in this situation?"""
text22420;"""Would Ellie even listen to me now that we've broken up and I was together with Kagome?"""
text22421;"""The memories of the past made my head spin."""
text22422;"""No, if we were still together, if tonight <i>I</i> was the one standing on stage next to her, things would've most likely been very different."""
text22423;"""Was it important why we broke up, if there was any way I could help her?"""
text22424;"""And Kagome? <w>What about Kagome?"""
text22425;"""She'd told me herself that she would never ditch me <i>like that</i>, like Ellie did."""
text22426;"""So I had every right to talk to anyone I wanted!"""
text22427;"""But did I want to see Ellie?"""
text22428;"""My heart shrunk a bit, telling me know that I really did…"""
text22429;"""…"""
text22430;"""I came home, walked into the kitchen, and sat on the chair, exhausted."""
text22431;"""Memories of Ellie flooded my mind with renewed intensity."""
text22432;"""All the songs we'd played together; her shining smile and her eyes the color of the clear blue sky; the heat of her body when we were becoming one."""
text22433;"""Even the angry expression on her beautiful face that made cute dimples appear on her cheeks."""
text22434;"""What if something happened to Ellie…?"""
text22435;"""I was ready to accept that we were no longer together — but only if I knew she was safe. <w>With or without me."""
text22436;"""It felt as if for the past while I was in a kind of haze, having forgotten who I used to be and what I used to want."""
text22437;"""That breakup with Ellie divided my life into a before and after."""
text22438;"""We often accuse other people of weakness and cowardice, but when our time comes, we do the same thing and see nothing wrong in it, on the contrary, making all kinds of excuses for ourselves."""
text22439;"""But suddenly the veil fell from my eyes and I realized that I'd never stopped loving Ellie, I'd just driven the feeling to the furthest corners of my soul."""
text22440;"""And immediately, every doubt that used to torture me disappeared."""
text22441;"""Ellie had been demonstrating her love so desperately that from the very beginning I was convinced that she wasn't going anywhere."""
text22442;"""I couldn't ever imagine things could end on anyone's but my initiative."""
text22443;"""You know not what is good until you've lost it?"""
text22444;"""How could I have been so blind?!"""
text22445;"""How could I have persuaded myself that everything was <i>fine this way</i>?!"""
text22446;"""I ran out the house and towards the club, already thinking through what I had to do."""
text22447;"""First, I'd have to apologize for my behavior and swear that everything was over between me and Kagome."""
text22448;"""Second, I'd tell Ellie that I love her and always have, and nothing and no one would change that!"""
text22449;"""Or maybe it'd be better to go with love first and the rest second…"""
text22450;"""Whatever!"""
text22451;"""Most important was that she'd understand, forgive me, and we'd be together again!"""
text22452;"""I was flying like a gust of wind, feeling no fatigue or anxiety, paying no attention to other people, every traffic light giving me a green signal."""
text22453;"""I'd realized this at just the right moment! <w>Just a bit longer and…"""
text22454;"""Ishida and Tokyo Rider were standing at the entrance to the club."""
text22455;"""I ran up to them and caught my breath."""
text22456;"""So you came after all."""
text22457;"""I ran!"""
text22458;"""Nick…"""
text22459;"""Ishida started, looked at me with pain in his eyes and suddenly lowered his head."""
text22460;"""What? Is Ellie okay?"""
text22461;"""I got a bad feeling."""
text22462;"""She's in the dressing room. She asked us not to disturb her."""
text22463;"""But you can."""
text22464;"""I looked from Tokyo Rider to Ishida but decided not to ask anything else and ran into the club."""
text22465;"""There was a lot of time left before the concert, so the hall was empty except for a few musicians who were currently idly sipping beers at the bar."""
text22466;"""I knocked on the door of the dressing room but nobody responded."""
text22467;"""The bad feeling was growing stronger."""
text22468;"""Ellie, it's me, Nick!"""
text22469;"""Silence again."""
text22470;"""Ellie, are you in there? Open the door!"""
text22471;"""I grabbed the handle — the door wasn't locked."""
text22472;"""I tried it, entered the room, and there…"""
text22473;"""Ellie was lying on the sofa in an unnatural pose."""
text22474;"""Ellie!"""
text22475;"""I jumped to her and shook her by the shoulders."""
text22476;"""Aaah, Nick… You came after all…"""
text22477;"""She was whispering weakly."""
text22478;"""Ishida offered to call you… but I said no… and you still came…"""
text22479;"""There was a pretty big sachet lying next to her, and the powder was all over the sofa."""
text22480;"""God, here you go again! How much did you take?"""
text22481;"""I don't know… don't remember…"""
text22482;"""Wait, I'll call for someone!"""
text22483;"""I was about to run for help but Ellie grabbed me by the leg of my pants."""
text22484;"""Her weak hand was barely holding on."""
text22485;"""Stay with me… it'll be alright…"""
text22486;"""But…"""
text22487;"""I kneeled next to her."""
text22488;"""Perhaps it really wasn't all that bad?"""
text22489;"""Last time she recovered pretty quickly."""
text22490;"""But Ellie was breathing heavily, and her skin was extremely pale."""
text22491;"""Nick…"""
text22492;"""She suddenly started coughing heavily and even seemed to pass out for a moment."""
text22493;"""No way, this won't do!"""
text22494;"""I stood up and ran out of the dressing room."""
text22495;"""To the street…"""
text22496;"""I ran up to Ishida."""
text22497;"""Call an ambulance — Ellie's not well!"""
text22498;"""What happened?"""
text22499;"""She's high again!"""
text22500;"""Nick, are you sure?"""
text22501;"""Yes, I am. Just fucking call them already!"""
text22502;"""I shouted at him and ran back into the club."""
text22503;"""…"""
text22504;"""Nick…"""
text22505;"""Ellie's breath became hoarse and ragged."""
text22506;"""It's alright. The doctors are on the way."""
text22507;"""Nick…"""
text22508;"""I was caressing her hair, all sticky with sweat…"""
text22509;"""Nick, am I going to die?"""
text22510;"""No, you're not going to die, why would you think that?"""
text22511;"""Because… it's never been this bad…"""
text22512;"""You should've thought before you…!"""
text22513;"""I shouted but immediately scolded myself internally."""
text22514;"""Sorry, I didn't mean it."""
text22515;"""Ellie, forgive me… for everything!"""
text22516;"""I shouldn't have done all that… I love you! I really love you!"""
text22517;"""Forgive me for realizing it so late!"""
text22518;"""Hot tears ran down my cheeks."""
text22519;"""Nick, I'm so happy you're here…"""
text22520;"""Of course I'm here, where else could I be?!"""
text22521;"""I grabbed her little palm and squeezed it tight, but Ellie didn't react at all."""
text22522;"""Apparently, she was in a really bad condition — the girl seemed to be in a kind of half-dream, and I wasn't even sure she understood what was going on."""
text22523;"""Nick… I love you so much…"""
text22524;"""I also love you! Very, very much!"""
text22525;"""If even in this condition Ellie was talking about love, then all that time…"""
text22526;"""I burst into tears and buried my face in her blonde hair."""
text22527;"""Forgive me! Please!"""
text22528;"""What are you… asking that for?"""
text22529;"""She asked, barely audible."""
text22530;"""For not being around. For leaving you. For acting like a bastard! For… betraying you!"""
text22531;"""That… doesn't matter."""
text22532;"""She uttered and had another coughing fit."""
text22533;"""We will… go… ride horses… tomorrow, right?"""
text22534;"""I barely managed to hold back a cry of desperation."""
text22535;"""When I grow up… I'll win all the races… I'll show you my favorite horse… His name is Peach…"""
text22536;"""Ellie…"""
text22537;"""I was whimpering, not knowing what to say here or if I even had to say anything."""
text22538;"""I'll teach you how to ride a horse…"""
text22539;"""Ellie was delirious — and that was a bad sign."""
text22540;"""Christ, she could actually die!"""
text22541;"""I needed half a minute to find her pulse — her heart was beating quickly and irregularly."""
text22542;"""Ellie, sunshine, help is on the way! Do you want a drink?"""
text22543;"""I looked around the dressing room with crazed eyes but only noticed bottles of beer about the place."""
text22544;"""Ellie?"""
text22545;"""She went silent and, apparently, passed out."""
text22546;"""Ellie…"""
text22547;"""I felt as if I had been the one to personally open the bag, shake out the powder, and shape it into a line."""
text22548;"""If not for my indecisiveness and self pity!"""
text22549;"""If the ambulance didn't make it and doctors couldn't handle it… <w>I'd never forgive myself!"""
text22550;"""Nick…"""
text22551;"""Ellie suddenly opened her eyes."""
text22552;"""Yes, sunshine, I'm here!"""
text22553;"""I was firmly squeezing her hands in mine."""
text22554;"""I don't want… you to leave… like mom and dad…"""
text22555;"""I'm not leaving, I swear!"""
text22556;"""Don't leave me… please…"""
text22557;"""I won't!"""
text22558;"""I don't want to be alone…"""
text22559;"""You'll never be alone anymore!"""
text22560;"""Nick… I'm scared…"""
text22561;"""I felt how powerless I was and that made the pain even worse."""
text22562;"""Why did millions of years of evolution lead to self awareness if it meant things like <i>this</i> could happen?"""
text22563;"""I suddenly wanted to be a happy monkey, a stranger to sorrow, sitting on a branch in an African jungle."""
text22564;"""Don't be scared, I'm with you…"""
text22565;"""My words sounded as if someone else was saying them."""
text22566;"""And I was imprisoned within my own head, a hostage to my feelings."""
text22567;"""I was losing connection with reality, it was being replaced by an all-consuming pain that was tearing me apart."""
text22568;"""I didn't know how much time passed."""
text22569;"""It could have been several minutes or several hours."""
text22570;"""A couple times Ellie passed out but always came back in the end."""
text22571;"""Finally, her eyes cleared up for a moment."""
text22572;"""Nick?"""
text22573;"""She called out to me in the same weak voice."""
text22574;"""Have you come… to see our performance?"""
text22575;"""Yes, sunshine, I did!"""
text22576;"""You know… I don't feel very well… and our new bass player… I don't like him at all… Grandpa helped find…"""
text22577;"""Ellie coughed several times and suddenly started convulsing."""
text22578;"""ELLIE!!!"""
text22579;"""Nick… I'm scared…"""
text22580;"""The door flew open with a slam, some people in white stormed in, I was pushed away roughly and fell to the floor."""
text22581;"""I got to my feet and tried to approach Ellie again but somebody grabbed me by the arms…"""
text22582;"""Ishida and Tokyo Rider."""
text22583;"""Nick, let's go, there's nothing we can do to help here."""
text22584;"""Somewhere deep inside I knew they were right, but my body moved by itself like a puppet on strings."""
text22585;"""Finally, I ran out of energy and hung powerlessly in their hands…"""
text22586;"""…"""
text22587;"""An ambulance was parked at the entrance to the club."""
text22588;"""Nick, are you okay?"""
text22589;"""Ishida was waving his hands in front of my eyes, while I was completely lost."""
text22590;"""Nick?"""
text22591;"""I sat on the pavement and grasped my head between my hands."""
text22592;"""Ishida and Tokyo Rider were saying something to me, but their words blended together into unintelligible background noise."""
text22593;"""Mitsuyoshi joined us soon enough."""
text22594;"""I didn't know for how long I sat like this but after some time Ellie was carried out of the club on a stretcher."""
text22595;"""I immediately ran to the doctors, trying to find out whether she was alive but was shoved away again."""
text22596;"""But it seemed like she was…"""
text22597;"""…"""
text22598;"""Ellie was taken away, the guys from Z FEEL-Z walked into the club to deal with something, and I was left alone."""
text22599;"""Where did all the hope, that had been warming my heart on the way here, disappear to?"""
text22600;"""How quickly everything can change in just half an hour…"""
text22601;"""But maybe that was because the future I had been imagining never existed in the first place?"""
text22602;"""The choices I'd made brought me to this exact moment."""
text22603;"""Of course, not everything in the world depended on my actions, but I'd never find out how my life would've been if I'd acted differently in the past."""
text22604;"""At least I still had Kagome…"""
text22605;"""This thought disgusted me, but it showed up again and again in my mind."""
text22606;"""While one part of me was suffering an unbearable pain because of what had happened to Ellie, another one was rather methodically and cold-bloodedly planning my next actions."""
text22607;"""When Kobayashi Jun would find out what happened to his granddaughter, he'd hardly take his time figuring out who was to blame and who wasn't."""
text22608;"""And then heads could start flying…"""
text22609;"""Niko-san?"""
text22610;"""I raised my head and with my cloudy eyes looked at Kagome, who had appeared at the club out of nowhere."""
text22611;"""The sun had already started setting behind the towers far to the west."""
text22612;"""Had it really been <i>that</i> long?"""
text22613;"""Niko-san, you told me you wouldn't go to Kobayashi."""
text22614;"""…"""
text22615;"""I didn't know how to respond to her, I couldn't even formulate a single sentence."""
text22616;"""Besides, Kagome looked somewhat weird — of course, she was angry at me for coming here, but… <w>What was <i>she</i> doing in here?"""
text22617;"""Have you been following me?"""
text22618;"""I heard my voice as if from outside myself."""
text22619;"""I finished early and decided to surprise you, but you weren't home."""
text22620;"""And you decided I'd gone to the concert?"""
text22621;"""She suddenly looked at me with almost hatred in her eyes."""
text22622;"""This was to be expected from you. Sooner or later."""
text22623;"""You don't know what you're talking about…"""
text22624;"""I mumbled but immediately got angry at myself for my spinelessness."""
text22625;"""This wasn't the time for stupid jealousy — and Kagome had to understand!"""
text22626;"""Ellie… she… she was taken to a hospital."""
text22627;"""Kagome's demeanor softened."""
text22628;"""What happened to her?"""
text22629;"""Of course, there was no reason she needed to know what actually happened."""
text22630;"""She's sick?"""
text22631;"""Sick? Let me guess, Niko-san, your beloved ojou-sama overdosed?"""
text22632;"""What? How do you…"""
text22633;"""I rasped out, and an evil grin blended together with a smirk on Kagome's face."""
text22634;"""It's simple deduction, nothing complicated. I wasn't sure — but you confirmed my suspicions."""
text22635;"""And before you say anything else, let me finish."""
text22636;"""She caught her breath."""
text22637;"""Kobayashi got what she deserved. One way or another. Even if she personally isn't involved with what her grandfather does, I don't care."""
text22638;"""Even if she knows nothing about his crimes!"""
text22639;"""Children used to answer for their fathers' crimes — and I don't believe that was wrong, exactly."""
text22640;"""What the hell are you talking about?"""
text22641;"""I was so exhausted and shattered that I could barely understand what Kagome was saying."""
text22642;"""But the clear malice and hatred in her words terrified me no less than the prospect of being held responsible for what happened by Kobayashi Jun."""
text22643;"""Niko-san, have you still not realized anything? Then you probably deserve everything that's happened to you. And will happen…"""
text22644;"""Kobayashi got what she deserved! But are you any less guilty?"""
text22645;"""The strain made her face go red."""
text22646;"""Me?"""
text22647;"""Yes, Niko-san, you! What did you tell me when I was asking for your help to find my father?"""
text22648;"""But… you thanked me for…"""
text22649;"""Kagome scoffed with disgust."""
text22650;"""Niko-san, now you understand what it means to be an outcast!"""
text22651;"""Believe me, I noticed your reaction when the others started looking at you the way they've been looking at me for my entire life!"""
text22652;"""Gradually I started to understand what she wanted to say."""
text22653;"""Why are you doing this?"""
text22654;"""Why, Niko-san…?"""
text22655;"""Kagome pretended to give this question some thought."""
text22656;"""At first I just wanted to ruin your relationship with Kobayashi. But in the end, it worked out better than I could've even hoped!"""
text22657;"""So do you still love me, Niko-san? I hope you do!"""
text22658;"""Because I hate you!"""
text22659;"""Yes, I knew already that Kagome had a complicated personality, that she was capable of many things…"""
text22660;"""But I could never imagine such cruelty!"""
text22661;"""Do you really enjoy… watching me suffer?"""
text22662;"""She suddenly bit her lip and turned away."""
text22663;"""It's your own fault! You both got what you deserved, that's all there is to it!"""
text22664;"""At the moment I was simply unable to process her words."""
text22665;"""The tragedy that happened to Ellie had overloaded my brain and feelings — and this new information, no matter how terrible it was, just wasn't being absorbed."""
text22666;"""Does it mean that it's all over between us?"""
text22667;"""I asked for some reason."""
text22668;"""Kagome didn't reply right away; finally, she turned back to me and said with a an expression of deep disgust on her face:"""
text22669;"""You are so absolutely pathetic, Niko-san. For a second, I even felt sorry for Kobayashi."""
text22670;"""Having said that, she turned around and quickly walked towards the sunset that, as if to spite me, was particularly beautiful this evening."""
text22671;"""Out of the plethora of universes, maybe we just didn't end up in one where Kagome and I were destined to find love together."""
text22672;"""It would've been funny if it wasn't so sad, but just a moment ago I'd been scolding myself for the thought that I still had Kagome."""
text22673;"""And now Kagome has disappeared into the sunset haze like the ghost of a feeling that never existed. <w>At least, for her."""
text22674;"""Had <i>I</i> ever loved Iwamura? <w>I found her comforting — definitely."""
text22675;"""Everyone close to me had disappeared from my life, and now my life itself, by Kobayashi Jun's efforts, could end as well."""
text22676;"""Although while Ellie was alive, there was still hope…"""
text22677;"""Ellie died several days later in intensive care, having never regained consciousness."""
text22678;"""I learned that from Kyosuke, because, fearing Kobayashi Jun's revenge, I went into hiding."""
text22679;"""I managed to drop by my home and pack a bag with what I had time to grab."""
text22680;"""The next morning I also ran by the bank and withdrew all the money from my bank account."""
text22681;"""I didn't have much left, but it still had to be enough, keeping rent in mind, for half a year or even longer."""
text22682;"""I did all this on an autopilot, not quite aware of my own actions, they were as automatic as brushing my teeth."""
text22683;"""After a restless, near sleepless night, I still held weak hope that Ellie would recover…"""
text22684;"""For hours, as I wandered the poor districts of Tokyo looking for shelter, I repeated in my head that everything would be alright."""
text22685;"""Seemingly progressive on the outside, Japan's biggest metropolis drilled into the sky with countless skyscrapers like Kobayashi Corporation's office and gleamed with thousands of multi-colored signs and windows, encouraging people to buy ever more."""
text22686;"""But on the inside, it was snarling at me with a gap-toothed grin made up of dilapidated shacks inhabited by the poorest of its citizens, drug addicts, and criminals."""
text22687;"""It was hard to separate one from another, because often a person would be poor, a criminal, and a drug addict at the same time."""
text22688;"""There were also a lot of Chinese in these slums, apparently illegal migrants who I wanted absolutely nothing to do with."""
text22689;"""In the end, I managed to rent a room in a ramshackle house made before the war."""
text22690;"""Despite the fact that the place wasn't much more comfortable than a barrack for war prisoners, I had to pay a decent amount of money for it."""
text22691;"""Maybe due to the fact that I was clearly not from around here — something like an urgency fee."""
text22692;"""At that time, I didn't know whether Ellie was alive, so I couldn't leave Tokyo."""
text22693;"""Sometimes, distracted by all these banal matters, for a while I would forget the tragedy at the club."""
text22694;"""Although, it had all started long before that — and, perhaps, even before I started dating Kagome."""
text22695;"""Who, as it turned out, was playing her own game of pretend just to take revenge."""
text22696;"""But I felt no hatred toward her — you can't hate a panther who jumps at you when you accidentally trespass on its territory."""
text22697;"""Either way, Kagome hadn't personally put that bag of powder in Ellie's hands."""
text22698;"""It had all started long before we met, but it had been in my power to change something…"""
text22699;"""I went as far as possible from my new habitat and called Kyosuke from a telephone box."""
text22700;"""At first, I found it hard to believe that nobody was following me, but then it became clear that Kobayashi Jun's people were busy with something else, and Irina no longer cared about me."""
text22701;"""Kyosuke coldly and briefly told me what happened — as little as he knew — and hung up."""
text22702;"""I couldn't blame my friend for that — even if he didn't think me a murderer, he most likely believed I at least had something to do with her death."""
text22703;"""And he was absolutely right."""
text22704;"""…"""
text22705;"""The easiest solution would be to leave Tokyo and go somewhere in the countryside, and then, maybe, to another country."""
text22706;"""But getting back to my rented room, I crossed paths with a shady-looking guy who offered me something to to \""relieve\"" my stress."""
text22707;"""After the conversation with Kyosuke, the pain was practically tearing me apart — I wanted to forget myself, if only for a little while."""
text22708;"""The dealer's powder was a far cry from the clean stuff Ellie and I had taken."""
text22709;"""The Chinese trash hit the head much harder and left behind a heavy hangover…"""
text22710;"""But at the same time, it worked — for a while I managed to disconnect from reality."""
text22711;"""And most horrifyingly, in the visions born by my fevered mind I would relive the moments when Ellie and I were happy time and again."""
text22712;"""But those memories soon started to mix with fantasies about a future that would never come."""
text22713;"""There we were, performing at <note=note72>the Budokan</note>."""
text22714;"""Ellie was anxiously walking from one corner of the dressing room to another, Ishida was repeating his part non-stop, only Tokyo Rider was impossibly calm."""
text22715;"""Finally, we were called on stage and gave an amazing performance."""
text22716;"""Huge recording labels were after us, fighting for the right to release our new album."""
text22717;"""We were getting serious contracts, and for the first time in a long time I was confident about the future."""
text22718;"""And then…"""
text22719;"""Kobayashi Jun finally realized that he could no longer control his granddaughter's life and stepped back."""
text22720;"""I married Ellie, we had children…"""
text22721;"""And then, without fail, I would wake, often in a puddle of my own vomit."""
text22722;"""My dreams reached five years into the future at most, maybe because that's how far the effects of the drug could last."""
text22723;"""Soon I wanted to go deeper into the dream — so I had to get larger doses from my dealer."""
text22724;"""On rare occasions I would get out of my kennel to buy some food or wash my clothes."""
text22725;"""The landlord pretended everything was fine — most likely because many of his tenants were even worse."""
text22726;"""I actually managed to see my and Ellie's lives together ten, twenty years down the line."""
text22727;"""But apart from that, the heartwarming fantasies began to be accompanied by nightmares."""
text22728;"""Blurry and shapeless at first, a simple vague feeling of approaching misfortune."""
text22729;"""I would wake up and for a long time after be unable to understand where I was, if I was back in the <i>real</i> world."""
text22730;"""But even reality itself started losing its boundaries — the world of dreams seemed just as tangible as the bug-filled futon, the thin walls through which I heard every rustle in the room over, and the dirty window letting in the cold from the street."""
text22731;"""And scariest of all, this world was much more desirable for me than life in the present without Ellie."""
text22732;"""Time stopped meaning anything to me — sometimes when I would break out of the dreams' embrace, it would be day, sometimes it would be night."""
text22733;"""I lost a lot of weight and had to pinch several new holes in my belt."""
text22734;"""But I didn't want to eat at all and would only remember about it a couple times a day, like it was an arduous obligation."""
text22735;"""This would have lasted until my body wasted away, but after a time — a week, or maybe a month — the nightmares became unbearable."""
text22736;"""The dreams of my and Ellie's future would get harshly interrupted by the visions of her agonizing death."""
text22737;"""She would briefly come to in her hospital bed and feverishly call for me: \""Nick, Nick!\"""""
text22738;"""But it was all in vain — she would die in terrible pain just to be resurrected the next day and appear once again in my nightmare."""
text22739;"""I was scared to sleep and added stimulants to my mix, supplied generously by my dealer."""
text22740;"""They almost made me forget the guilt for what had happened to Ellie — in my nightmares she was still alive, and, moreover, she was suffering."""
text22741;"""Several times I tried to stop taking the drugs, but after just half a day I felt so awful that I couldn't bear it."""
text22742;"""Not to mention, I needed a reason to suffer through hellish abstinence — a reason to live."""
text22743;"""I didn't have one, and by now all my actions were guided by one thing — fear."""
text22744;"""I was scared of sleeping and I was scared of being awake — because the demons started coming to me in the waking world too."""
text22745;"""Soon enough my dealer noticed my poor condition and offered to take me somewhere I could be \""helped\""."""
text22746;"""I wasn't surprised to find myself in a den where others just as devastated as me lay heaps. Some of them were mumbling words, delirious, some convulsed, and some, with blissful smiles on their faces, seemed to be enjoying the endless worlds created by their hallucinating minds."""
text22747;"""This place offered the strongest drugs, and all for very cheap."""
text22748;"""Which came in handy — by that point I'd almost run out of money."""
text22749;"""The economics of death would seem entertaining to me under different circumstance: the strongest poison turned out to be the cheapest, and it was cheaper still to send people who'd lost their way to the afterlife."""
text22750;"""And there I was, lying on a tattered leather sofa the den had for whatever reason, seeing Ellie smile at me, softly running her hand across my cheek, embracing me…"""
text22751;"""And whispering in my ear that everything would be alright and we'd be together again soon."""
text22752;"""The atrocious room, reeking of every possible human secretion and filled with groans, wheezes, and last breaths, went all blurry like a reflection in the water broken by a stone thrown into it."""
text22753;"""Ellie rose over me and hung just under the ceiling."""
text22754;"""She reached out to me, inviting me somewhere."""
text22755;"""I noticed the angel wings behind her back."""
text22756;"""And there she was, no longer in the leather jacket and tattered shirt, but in the dress she'd worn at the ball."""
text22757;"""Ellie said something to me, but I couldn't hear."""
text22758;"""I stretched out my hand to grasp her, but couldn't reach by just a few centimeters."""
text22759;"""Meanwhile, Ellie kept moving her lips without a sound. She was smiling, frowning, pouting, laughing, and crying."""
text22760;"""But then the ceiling vanished and a tunnel made of white clouds going up into the sky appeared behind her."""
text22761;"""Ellie started rising higher and higher, getting further and further away from me."""
text22762;"""She was shouting and desperately trying to reach out for me but I couldn't move at all — as if paralyzed."""
text22763;"""A minute later, she was the size of a bird far away, and a minute after that she was no more than a dot, a star in the sky, soon disappearing completely."""
text22764;"""The tunnel dispersed like clouds after a storm, and, like the lid of a coffin, I was covered by the low ceiling of the den."""
text22765;"""My mind slowly returned to the <i>real</i> world, groans reached my ears and my nose was assaulted by the smell of urine."""
text22766;"""The vision was so real I no longer had the strength to doubt its authenticity."""
text22767;"""Maybe it was I who was on the border between life and death, lying in a hospital bed, and Ellie was calling out to me to come back to life?"""
text22768;"""Maybe, none of this existed — the reeking sofa and the tiny room on the outskirts of Tokyo, where dozens of souls were slowly passing into the afterlife."""
text22769;"""And the dealer — wasn't he a devil in flesh!"""
text22770;"""And if Ellie called for me — I'd follow!"""
text22771;"""But then my body convulsed, my heart started beating like a sledgehammer, and I started hiccuping wildly."""
text22772;"""No, this was real after all…"""
text22773;"""But just as real was the sensation of Ellie desperately trying to pull me out of this nightmare."""
text22774;"""Somewhere into a different, better world."""
text22775;"""What did I have to lose…?"""
text22776;"""By now, I only wanted one thing — to follow Ellie."""
text22777;"""To the place with no pain or suffering."""
text22778;"""To the place where eternal peace reigned."""
text22779;"""To the place where we'd be together forever."""
text22780;"""And if to get there I had to die — well, that was a low price to pay…"""
text22781;"""Sometimes, it takes time for some things to become obvious."""
text22782;"""Similarly, I also needed time to realize that I genuinely loved Ellie."""
text22783;"""Unfortunately, I only realized that once it was too late."""
text22784;"""No, I wasn't going to justify her feisty personality and propensity to draw hasty conclusions, but I couldn't blame her alone for what'd happened either."""
text22785;"""Every conflict has two sides: it had been in my power to decisively let Iwamura know that there was and could be nothing between us."""
text22786;"""I could also have been more honest with myself and realized my feelings for Ellie sooner."""
text22787;"""But it didn't seem like Iwamura had any intention of letting me go."""
text22788;"""She would initiate conversations with me at every break, call me for lunch, and brought me a bento almost every day."""
text22789;"""I kept persistently rejecting this courtship, but…"""
text22790;"""If something looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks likes a duck, it's probably a duck."""
text22791;"""My classmates and even Kyosuke soon started looking at me with distrust."""
text22792;"""If an outcast is so friendly with you, then it's likely that the two of you have something in common, which in turn means that you too can be considered an outcast."""
text22793;"""I didn't know why Kagome was doing this and I didn't much care for her motives."""
text22794;"""Maybe she really did fall in love with me or, maybe, this was a complicated way to exact revenge."""
text22795;"""Revenge for what, though?"""
text22796;"""In any case, I was doing everything I could to let Iwamura know that I wasn't interested in getting closer to her."""
text22797;"""How it looked from the outside was, of course, another matter."""
text22798;"""Ellie kept avoiding me in every way possible: she stopped coming to the old music classroom, ignored me during breaks, and pretended I didn't even exist."""
text22799;"""At first, I tried to talk to her while she was in class, but Ellie would either act like I wasn't there or walk out into the hall and keep running away from me all over the school until the bell."""
text22800;"""It all looked silly and even comical, but not for the Ellie's fan club, of whose existence I previously had no idea."""
text22801;"""A couple times some guys tried to talk to me after class, but in the end it never resulted in violence."""
text22802;"""…"""
text22803;"""Autumn came into its full power; Ellie continued to deny my existence but was less and less successful at it with every day."""
text22804;"""One day I was waiting for her at her classroom, and, when she was about to enter, stood in the doorway, blocking it."""
text22805;"""Ellie stopped, pouted, and stared at an area around my chest with a kind of disappointment in her eyes, as if trying to burn a hole in it."""
text22806;"""She kept standing like that for a while, then tried to squeeze through, which of course didn't work."""
text22807;"""I just want to have a simple conversation with you, that's it."""
text22808;"""…"""
text22809;"""She stubbornly avoided looking me in the eyes."""
text22810;"""There's never been anything between me and Iwamura!"""
text22811;"""Anokhin-kun!"""
text22812;"""Takehito's wrathful voice came from behind me."""
text22813;"""I turned around on reflex, and that instant was enough for Ellie to sneak under my arm."""
text22814;"""How long is this going to last?!"""
text22815;"""The anger in her eyes was mixed with disapproval, but there was no hatred or contempt in them."""
text22816;"""I don't want to appear rude, Takehito, but that's none of your business."""
text22817;"""It is, since you're violating school rules."""
text22818;"""Go on then, call the police."""
text22819;"""I scoffed and fixed her with a confident, unblinking glare, surprised at my own bravery."""
text22820;"""Our silent confrontation lasted for ten seconds."""
text22821;"""Anokhin-kun, if you don't stop, I'll be forced to tell the principal."""
text22822;"""May as well tell the Emperor for all I care…"""
text22823;"""I got interrupted by the bell and had to leave them in peace for a time."""
text22824;"""…"""
text22825;"""Of course, I was much more afraid of Kobayashi Jun than Takehito, as he had made it clear he no longer wanted to see me near his granddaughter."""
text22826;"""Either Ellie hadn't told him how persistent I was being, or there was a different reason, but in all the time that had passed after our last conversation at my house, I never met him or his people."""
text22827;"""That couldn't help but lift my spirits, but I also felt like it couldn't continue forever."""
text22828;"""Even if Ellie herself wouldn't tell her grandfather that I'd ignored his warning, her bodyguards or someone from Kobayashi Corporation could notice me."""
text22829;"""But I'd already decided — come what may, I was prepared to do whatever it takes not to lose the girl I loved!"""
text22830;"""Besides, Ellie's behavior hinted that she still had feelings for me."""
text22831;"""When you care nothing about a person, you don't avoid contact with them so fiercely."""
text22832;"""Only if their mere appearance still evokes something in your soul that you're still stubbornly trying to escape will you deny the very fact of their existence."""
text22833;"""But in reality I hadn't made much progress over the past few weeks — even if Ellie indeed was lying to herself, she was doing a pretty good job at it."""
text22834;"""…"""
text22835;"""Having successfully fended off Iwamura once again, I was sitting in Kyousuke's company during break, eating a bun I'd bought from the cafeteria."""
text22836;"""She just refuses to let you be."""
text22837;"""Who?"""
text22838;"""Iwamura-san."""
text22839;"""Just don't start that whole thing again about there being something between us."""
text22840;"""Nick, I wasn't…"""
text22841;"""He didn't finish the sentence, sighed, and opened his third, by now, bag of chips."""
text22842;"""I'm trying to fix my relationship with Ellie, this attention from Iwamura is the last thing I need right now!"""
text22843;"""If she were a guy, I'd punch her in the face, I swear!"""
text22844;"""Quiet, you!"""
text22845;"""He hissed at me."""
text22846;"""Anyone else would be happy to be in your place."""
text22847;"""Are you suggesting I should get together with Iwamura?"""
text22848;"""I'm not suggesting anything."""
text22849;"""He replied angrily and leaned back in his chair."""
text22850;"""Good. Because my radar is tuned only to Ellie."""
text22851;"""Problem is, your radar is lacking in wavelength."""
text22852;"""I understand, but…"""
text22853;"""Nick, have you ever thought that… well… That you two aren't meant to be together?"""
text22854;"""I don't believe in fate."""
text22855;"""I'm not talking about fate. Think of it as you being parts from different cars."""
text22856;"""So I'm from some old model and she's part of a new sports car? Is that what you mean? How's that different from fate?"""
text22857;"""Well…"""
text22858;"""He sighed and lowered his head."""
text22859;"""As your friend, I wish you well."""
text22860;"""The path of least resistance isn't always the best one."""
text22861;"""Have it your way."""
text22862;"""But Kyosuke's words really made me think."""
text22863;"""…"""
text22864;"""We were living in the most enlightened time in the history of humanity, but did we really have equal opportunities?"""
text22865;"""And it wasn't about love — Juliet loved Romeo but they weren't meant to be together."""
text22866;"""A simple <note=note73>ronin</note> could hardly marry a shogun's daughter."""
text22867;"""Indeed, could I imagine myself being next to Ellie with her seated in her grandfather's armchair in that office with its view upon Tokyo's business district?"""
text22868;"""I was less afraid of potentially becoming Ellie's gigolo than being a toy she'd be able to part with as easily as with her dream to be a jockey."""
text22869;"""I was terribly scared of losing control over my own life."""
text22870;"""On the other hand, isn't that called love — when you can trust the other person with the most precious thing you have?"""
text22871;"""Of course, if they want it…"""
text22872;"""…"""
text22873;"""I kept running after Ellie."""
text22874;"""Ellie, wait!"""
text22875;"""I just want to have a talk — is that too much to ask?"""
text22876;"""Are you going to keep running away from me until the end of the school year?"""
text22877;"""Ask Kyosuke — he can tell you that there is and was nothing between me and Iwamura!"""
text22878;"""(Although he wasn't the most reliable witness however you looked at it.)"""
text22879;"""I love only you!"""
text22880;"""Ellie, please…"""
text22881;"""Ellie, enough, this is just silly!"""
text22882;"""You're acting like a child who didn't get her candy."""
text22883;"""What can I say for you to forgive me?"""
text22884;"""Ellie, I haven't done anything wrong!"""
text22885;"""If you only give me a chance…"""
text22886;"""…to explain everything…"""
text22887;"""None of my attempts brought any results, but the expression on Ellie's face softened little by little."""
text22888;"""It seemed to be getting more and more difficult for her to look away and ignore me."""
text22889;"""One day it would definitely have to end, except that there wasn't much time left until graduation."""
text22890;"""And after that I wouldn't be able to see her as often — if ever…"""
text22891;"""It seemed that there was a simple solution I just didn't have the smarts to come up with."""
text22892;"""Just a bit more time — and everything would become clear to me, the pieces of the puzzle would fit together, and my broken happiness machine would start again."""
text22893;"""But not everything in life depends on our actions alone."""
text22894;"""Another school day passed having yielded no results."""
text22895;"""Ellie continued avoiding me and ignoring me any time we crossed paths, as if I were a hallucination that would disappear if she didn't pay attention to it."""
text22896;"""I didn't have much to do besides my attempts to explain myself to her, so all my time after the end of the class blended together into an endless grey stream without beginning or an end."""
text22897;"""I would come home, watch TV, read, make dinner, and sleep."""
text22898;"""I didn't talk to anyone, go anywhere, or even play any games."""
text22899;"""I didn't want to tidy up, iron my clothes, wash them, or do anything else housework-related."""
text22900;"""Not that I used to be very diligent with that before, but now the very thought of cleaning up was painful."""
text22901;"""Moreover, my entire life started revolving around Ellie."""
text22902;"""As if everything else in the world stopped existing at all."""
text22903;"""I could only imagine life with her, or not at all."""
text22904;"""It seemed that we would either make up, or the universe would shrink to the state it used to be before the Big Bang, having realized how pointless its existence was without our love."""
text22905;"""Obviously, somewhere deep inside I knew that my obsession wasn't normal, but I couldn't, and, most importantly, didn't want to do anything about it."""
text22906;"""What's so bad about having feelings for someone?"""
text22907;"""Yes, sometimes they can be excessive or even virtually crippling, but at the same time they bring so much happiness and euphoria when your loved one responds in kind!"""
text22908;"""And while there was still any hope at all that Ellie would forgive me…"""
text22909;"""I walked out of the school with a firm intention to spend another pointless evening alone…"""
text22910;"""But noticed Tokyo Rider at the gates."""
text22911;"""As soon as he saw me, he started waving his hands."""
text22912;"""I remember when I was a school kid…"""
text22913;"""I came closer and he greeted me with some vague gesture, as if saluting to me."""
text22914;"""That was like a couple years ago."""
text22915;"""He mysteriously flashed his dark glasses."""
text22916;"""To what do I owe the honor?"""
text22917;"""I knew it probably wasn't a courtesy visit."""
text22918;"""We've got a concert today."""
text22919;"""He said and went silent as if that made everything clear."""
text22920;"""And? Are you inviting me to drop by? I don't think Ellie would be happy about that…"""
text22921;"""I am, in a sense. Our new bass player hurt his hand and can't play."""
text22922;"""And how do you intend to perform with no bass?"""
text22923;"""El hasn't decided yet, but she told all of us to come to the club."""
text22924;"""I see."""
text22925;"""And you know the material."""
text22926;"""I felt a glimmer of hope spark in my heart."""
text22927;"""Maybe this was the lucky break I'd been waiting for?"""
text22928;"""But along with it, I felt piercing doubt."""
text22929;"""And whose idea was it to invite me?"""
text22930;"""Mine. Ishida and Mitsuyoshi agreed."""
text22931;"""And Ellie?"""
text22932;"""The situation was obviously difficult, but it was hard for me to imagine Ellie being excited about me as a possible solution, seeing how persistently she'd been avoiding me all this time."""
text22933;"""El doesn't know yet."""
text22934;"""<i>She doesn't know</i>!"""
text22935;"""I smirked."""
text22936;"""So should we expect you?"""
text22937;"""He asked, unperturbed."""
text22938;"""I… I don't know."""
text22939;"""At first glance, what was there to think about?!"""
text22940;"""But I felt like a shy accountant who had just been offered the position of vice president at his big company."""
text22941;"""Happy, sure, but with zero confidence that he'd be able to handle the job and afraid of the responsibility."""
text22942;"""Well, my job here is to make the offer… You still have a few hours to think."""
text22943;"""El will be happy. Even if she doesn't realize it yet."""
text22944;"""Having said that, he turned around and headed for his car parked on the other side of the street."""
text22945;"""Thank you!"""
text22946;"""I shouted after him, and Tokyo Rider raised his hand without turning back to me, waving a farewell."""
text22947;"""…"""
text22948;"""The streets were particularly crowded today."""
text22949;"""I hurried home as if I'd simultaneously forgotten to turn off the iron, the stove, the gas, close the doors and the windows, and feed dogs I didn't have."""
text22950;"""The meeting with Tokyo Rider had kicked my brain into high gear — I couldn't stop thinking of every possible way taking his offer could end in failure."""
text22951;"""Here was Ellie simply ignoring me."""
text22952;"""And here she was mockingly asking how I'd even thought about something like that."""
text22953;"""Then I was getting beaten up by her guards, dragged out of the club, and left to bleed out in a dirty alley."""
text22954;"""Or maybe I was even running into Kobayashi Jun himself in the dressing room… <w>Except what would he be doing there?"""
text22955;"""The door turned out to be locked, the windows were closed, the gas was off."""
text22956;"""I was walking back and forth from one corner of the kitchen to the other and couldn't decide what to do."""
text22957;"""Nothing stopped me from running after Ellie the entire day at school, but, when I finally got a chance to make her talk to me, all my determination suddenly evaporated."""
text22958;"""After all, she'd most likely have to say <i>something</i> if I were to offer to replace their bass player."""
text22959;"""He'd picked the perfect time to hurt his hand!"""
text22960;"""Tokyo Rider's mysterious grin appeared before my eyes."""
text22961;"""He couldn't have, could he…?"""
text22962;"""I was so agitated I couldn't sit still, the kitchen was too small for me."""
text22963;"""I walked into my bedroom, and my gaze stopped on the bass."""
text22964;"""Oh for fuck's sake!"""
text22965;"""I could just offer my help as a friend, it didn't have to be about love!"""
text22966;"""It wasn't even for Ellie, there were the other guys too! <w>After all, she wasn't alone in Z FEEL-Z!"""
text22967;"""All my doubts disappeared at once, and there was no thought in my mind but to appear on the stage as soon as possible with a guitar in my hands."""
text22968;"""I dashed into the hall, quickly put on my shoes and ran out of the house."""
text22969;"""…"""
text22970;"""There seemed to be even fewer people on the street."""
text22971;"""I ran effortlessly and breathed regularly, the wind whistled in my ears, and my legs were full of pleasant strength."""
text22972;"""At one point, it started to feel like I was standing still, the world around me flying by like a cityscape behind a train window."""
text22973;"""I could feel confidence and determination in every cell of my body."""
text22974;"""This time I was going to do things right!"""
text22975;"""Finally, the club appeared from around the corner."""
text22976;"""Tokyo Rider and Ishida were standing at the entrance."""
text22977;"""I ran to them and caught my breath."""
text22978;"""So you came after all."""
text22979;"""I ran…"""
text22980;"""I barely exhaled."""
text22981;"""Nick, we're very grateful! No matter what…"""
text22982;"""Ishida shook my hand firmly."""
text22983;"""Sure, no problem."""
text22984;"""But… You need to talk to El… She's been angry ever since she found out that our bassist won't be able to play."""
text22985;"""She locked herself up in the dressing room and isn't letting anyone in."""
text22986;"""Got it."""
text22987;"""There was no reason to rush anymore, so I slowly entered the club."""
text22988;"""Inside there were only a few other musicians, idly sipping beers at the bar."""
text22989;"""Ellie, it's me."""
text22990;"""I carefully knocked on the door of the dressing room."""
text22991;"""Ellie?"""
text22992;"""I jerked on the door handle — strangely, it wasn't locked."""
text22993;"""I stepped in and saw Ellie standing in the middle of the room with an absent expression on her face."""
text22994;"""Hi…"""
text22995;"""She didn't even look at me."""
text22996;"""The guys said that your new bass player hurt his hand…"""
text22997;"""Wasn't I framing them? <w>Although, it was the truth — what was there to hide?"""
text22998;"""I just want to help you… help Z FEEL-Z! How are you going to perform without a bassist?"""
text22999;"""…"""
text23000;"""Her persistence was worthy of a better cause."""
text23001;"""We don't have to talk. We'll just go onto the stage, play, and then I'll leave."""
text23002;"""Ellie, I understand you're angry. I admit that you have a reason to be upset at me…"""
text23003;"""But you're acting like a child at this point! Other people shouldn't have to suffer because of our relationship!"""
text23004;"""…"""
text23005;"""She remained silent, while I walked across the dressing room and noticed a sachet on the table."""
text23006;"""A sachet with powder. <w>A pretty heavy one."""
text23007;"""I grabbed it and came closer to Ellie."""
text23008;"""So you're doing it again?"""
text23009;"""She finally paid some attention to me:"""
text23010;"""It's none of your business!"""
text23011;"""Of course not."""
text23012;"""I scoffed sarcastically."""
text23013;"""Who asked you to come? We'll play without a bass — no big deal!"""
text23014;"""We played with you before — there's not much difference!"""
text23015;"""Thanks for the compliment."""
text23016;"""But from the tone of her voice, it was clear that Ellie just wanted to hurt me and didn't really believe what she was saying."""
text23017;"""Why do you keep trying to get close to me? Go to your whore!"""
text23018;"""She suddenly burst into tears."""
text23019;"""Here we go again… How many times do I have to repeat that there's nothing between me and Iwamura and there never was?!"""
text23020;"""Then why are you two always together?"""
text23021;"""When are we together?"""
text23022;"""At school… during every break!"""
text23023;"""Who told you that?"""
text23024;"""Everyone… Everyone saw it."""
text23025;"""Ellie got a bit embarrassed."""
text23026;"""Ah, everyone!"""
text23027;"""I flung my arms up in the air."""
text23028;"""Iwamura really wants something from me, but I don't know what."""
text23029;"""She talks about love…"""
text23030;"""Ellie was about to start crying again."""
text23031;"""Would you wait a minute?! I don't think love has anything to do with it."""
text23032;"""Maybe she wants to tear us apart? Avenge her father? Have you ever thought of that?"""
text23033;"""But… why?"""
text23034;"""Something akin to realization flashed on her face for a moment."""
text23035;"""I don't know. She believes that her father had been kidnapped by Kobayashi Corporation."""
text23036;"""I said carefully, blaming some simulacrum instead of a specific person, her grandfather."""
text23037;"""Very convenient, Nick."""
text23038;"""Ellie frowned."""
text23039;"""What? Is it my fault again? Maybe I kidnapped him?!"""
text23040;"""Chasing two rabbits…"""
text23041;"""Do you really think I want a harem?"""
text23042;"""We've been together… not that long — but long enough for you to get to know me."""
text23043;"""At least I hope so…"""
text23044;"""She lowered her eyes again, like a puppy who'd just made a mess."""
text23045;"""And if Iwamura really wants us to fight each other, she's doing a great job — and you're helping her brilliantly."""
text23046;"""…"""
text23047;"""And anyway, I came here to help with the performance, not to sort out our relationship."""
text23048;"""So you think that I can stand with you on the stage if… if…"""
text23049;"""Tears ran down her red cheeks, and in that moment Ellie looked more beautiful than ever."""
text23050;"""If what?"""
text23051;"""I don't know… I can't, Nick! When I see you with her…"""
text23052;"""She choked on her sobs."""
text23053;"""Sunshine, you're the only one I love!"""
text23054;"""And when I looked at her in that instant, everything became clear."""
text23055;"""If this wasn't fate, what then?"""
text23056;"""Destiny or quantum determinism — it was a matter of terminology, but one way or another we were meant to meet and fall in love with each other."""
text23057;"""Would you really allow such a… petty thing to destroy our love?"""
text23058;"""I understand that I'm at fault here. At first I thought everything was going too fast."""
text23059;"""I guess it's because my old wounds hadn't fully recovered. And… you wanted more from me, while I still had my doubts."""
text23060;"""Doubts about myself! Forgive me. You've always been so confident and happy…"""
text23061;"""Maybe somewhere deep inside I believed I wasn't worthy of you."""
text23062;"""Do I look confident now?"""
text23063;"""Ellie smiled weakly."""
text23064;"""I just… I don't know… I'm being torn apart by different feelings."""
text23065;"""One second I love you like mad, and the next, when I see you with <i>her</i> — I hate you."""
text23066;"""It shouldn't be like that, right? Maybe I'm crazy? I must be wrong in the head, right, Nick?"""
text23067;"""She looked at me with hope in her eyes."""
text23068;"""No! You're fine… It's just that…"""
text23069;"""I waved the sachet I was still holding in my hands."""
text23070;"""I never wanted to go as far as <i>that</I>! And <i>this</i> helps me… relieve the stress, relax."""
text23071;"""For a moment — and then?"""
text23072;"""And then — nothing. Grandpa will make me stop playing music anyway. And ditch you…"""
text23073;"""You don't know that!"""
text23074;"""I almost shouted."""
text23075;"""If we're together…"""
text23076;"""Do you even believe that yourself, Nick?"""
text23077;"""Maybe yesterday I wouldn't have been able to answer this question, but now, standing next to Ellie, I was sure it was bound to happen."""
text23078;"""And even if not, I'd prefer to try and know that I'd done my best rather than regret the missed opportunity and blame myself for my cowardice for the rest of my life."""
text23079;"""I believe that if we love each other, only we can decide our future!"""
text23080;"""Nick, I want to believe you—"""
text23081;"""I interrupted her, exclaiming:"""
text23082;"""Then do! In five, ten years we'll only have memories of this moment. What do you want them to be?"""
text23083;"""And, maybe, Kyosuke was right: I couldn't imagine myself sitting next to Ellie in Kobayashi Jun's office."""
text23084;"""But I could absolutely picture us on a stage, shoulder to shoulder. <w>On a stage bigger than the one in this seedy club!"""
text23085;"""Nick, you keep saying these beautiful words, no girl could resist…"""
text23086;"""Is this how you seduced Iwamura?"""
text23087;"""I didn't…"""
text23088;"""Suddenly, Ellie smiled."""
text23089;"""Relax, I'm joking."""
text23090;"""I always knew you loved me. I just couldn't sort myself out."""
text23091;"""I still can't, to be honest. But you're right — we should give it a try. I don't want to regret not even trying to fight for something."""
text23092;"""Ellie…"""
text23093;"""I came closer and wanted to kiss her, but Ellie pulled away."""
text23094;"""Let's do it after the concert. Right now we have to focus on our performance. Otherwise, all this talk will have been for nothing."""
text23095;"""Alright. I'll tell the guys, but first…"""
text23096;"""I stretched the sachet out to her."""
text23097;"""Ellie looked at it, hesitating for some time but then took it, disappeared behind the toilet door, and I heard the sound of flushing water."""
text23098;"""Once she came back, she said confidently:"""
text23099;"""I'm done with that!"""
text23100;"""Thank… I mean, I'm glad!"""
text23101;"""Go already!"""
text23102;"""Ellie pushed me to the door and walked out of the dressing room after me."""
text23103;"""It seemed that the most difficult part was over."""
text23104;"""The guys were waiting for us on the street."""
text23105;"""Ishida was leaning on the wall, arms crossed over his chest, staring into space."""
text23106;"""Mitsuyoshi was pacing back and forth, occasionally glancing at the clock."""
text23107;"""Meanwhile, Tokyo Rider was studying the variety of beers offered by a nearby vending machine, looking remarkably composed."""
text23108;"""When they saw Ellie and me, they froze and looked at us impatiently."""
text23109;"""You might say that you've got yet another new bass player."""
text23110;"""I tried to make a joke, and Ellie immediately pinched me for that."""
text23111;"""Ouch!"""
text23112;"""Thank God!"""
text23113;"""Ishida breathed out with relief."""
text23114;"""It's just the circumstances, I had no other choice! Don't think that…"""
text23115;"""El being herself."""
text23116;"""The guys laughed simultaneously."""
text23117;"""…"""
text23118;"""In a sense, today we'd moved up in the world — we were performing second to last."""
text23119;"""There was still tension between me and Ellie, but now her emotions had cooled and she seemed to have given the situation a more sober appraisal."""
text23120;"""Of course, I shouldn't have expected everything to go back to how it used to be in an instant."""
text23121;"""And I didn't want that either — I wanted to grow up and move forward, not just indulge myself in juvenile infatuation."""
text23122;"""We walked out onto the stage to face an audience already decently warmed up by the previous bands and alcohol."""
text23123;"""Come on! Rock it!"""
text23124;"""I heard from the hall."""
text23125;"""Ellie confidently walked to the microphone and shouted:"""
text23126;"""Hi everyone! We're Z FEEL-Z!"""
text23127;"""For these twenty minutes, every offense was forgotten."""
text23128;"""Ellie was focused on the music — in a sense, right now music was her job."""
text23129;"""And she was doing her job like a professional, giving it her all."""
text23130;"""Every note, every chord sounded genuine and came straight from the heart."""
text23131;"""I compared Ellie to the other lead singers of the bands that had played before us, and she seemed so much more vivid and talented, that at some point I felt ashamed to be on the same stage as her."""
text23132;"""But neither Ishida, nor Mitsuyoshi or Tokyo Rider were embarrassed in the slightest, even though they too could hardly be called natural born musicians."""
text23133;"""And even if the band had a leader, we were playing together!"""
text23134;"""I suddenly realized that those thoughts had occupied my mind almost the entire first song, and I was barely even looking at the bass."""
text23135;"""I had to make an effort not to forget my part like that centipede that forgot how to walk."""
text23136;"""My second concert was working out better for me than my first."""
text23137;"""Something familiar always seems simpler, no matter how complicated it was initially."""
text23138;"""My fingers ran up and down the strings effortlessly, and the rhythmic vibration of the strings running through my entire body felt as natural as my own pulse."""
text23139;"""Here came that part that I'd been having so much difficulty with."""
text23140;"""And there it went, played without a single stumble, even a little improvisation!"""
text23141;"""The audience received us much better than last time."""
text23142;"""It was hard for me to say whether it was because of our music or just the people in the audience."""
text23143;"""And the emotions of the crowd were transmitted to us, as if we, like our instruments, were plugged into an electrical grid through which delight, joy, excitement, ecstasy, and passion flowed."""
text23144;"""The energy was overwhelming me — I jumped up as high as I could, bending my legs in the air."""
text23145;"""Ishida noticed and followed my lead the next time."""
text23146;"""Some people in the hall started to sing along, and soon the lonely voices became a unified choir that joined Ellie during the choruses."""
text23147;"""Thank you! You're the best!"""
text23148;"""She shouted into the microphone, moving a strand of sweaty hair from her face."""
text23149;"""And the next song is called…"""
text23150;"""I caught my breath and wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans."""
text23151;"""I glanced around and looked at Mitsuyoshi — he gave me a big smile, winked at me, and gave the count for the next song."""
text23152;"""At that moment I felt a kind of absolute happiness."""
text23153;"""And it wasn't only about me making up with Ellie."""
text23154;"""Maybe, for the first time in my life, I found something I really enjoyed doing."""
text23155;"""Not just in the physical sense like food, alcohol, or sex."""
text23156;"""I was doing something other people liked — and got immediate feedback from the people gathered in the hall."""
text23157;"""They liked Z FEEL-Z's music, and I was a part of Z FEEL-Z."""
text23158;"""Maybe their new bass player's hand would heal soon and I'd be kicked out."""
text23159;"""But that would be later, and now I felt an incredible sense of unity with the guys and Ellie."""
text23160;"""Ishida was playing a solo, and I sneaked a peek at her."""
text23161;"""Ellie was beautiful, like a Scandinavian warrior-maiden running into the heat of the battle."""
text23162;"""Had a girl like that really chosen me?"""
text23163;"""And, moreover, had forgiven me — after everything that'd happened."""
text23164;"""I suddenly remembered Catherine — what had been my fault back then?"""
text23165;"""But she'd also ditched me without saying a word, flew a thousand kilometers away, and, when she came back, pretended like nothing had happened."""
text23166;"""But Ellie…"""
text23167;"""Tears welled up in my eyes, I wanted to throw the bass away, run to Ellie, and take her into a firm embrace."""
text23168;"""Luckily, there was only one song left."""
text23169;"""…"""
text23170;"""We left the stage, accompanied by non-stop applause."""
text23171;"""We couldn't stay in the dressing room for too long — the headliners of the evening were preparing for their performance there."""
text23172;"""We walked out into the hall, and were immediately swarmed by people."""
text23173;"""Some asked for autographs, others about future performances and if we were planning on recording an album."""
text23174;"""Of course, Ellie was the center of attention."""
text23175;"""Meanwhile Ishida was particularly popular with the girls."""
text23176;"""And the humble bass player had no place here. <w>Besides, I desperately wanted to catch my breath somewhere more peaceful."""
text23177;"""I excused myself and carefully made my way through the crowd to the exit."""
text23178;"""The freezing evening air was pleasantly energizing but I didn't feel cold — my entire body was on fire, the level of adrenaline way beyond normal."""
text23179;"""My heart was beating and steam came out of my mouth like smoke from a chimney."""
text23180;"""I took several deep breaths and looked up at the stars."""
text23181;"""They were shining unusually brightly, but today there was just one star I wanted to look at…"""
text23182;"""Nick, where did you run off to?"""
text23183;"""I turned around and saw Ellie as she approached me, stopped, and wrapped her arms around herself, shivering from cold."""
text23184;"""I was a little too hot in there — so I wanted to get some fresh air."""
text23185;"""Thought so. I barely managed to sneak away myself."""
text23186;"""Just don't tell me you don't like the attention."""
text23187;"""I just wanted to talk to you."""
text23188;"""For some reason, I grew embarrassed."""
text23189;"""The concert went great! We played like gods! I couldn't have hoped for better."""
text23190;"""Yes, it went well."""
text23191;"""She said without any enthusiasm."""
text23192;"""But Nick, while we were on stage, I realized something…"""
text23193;"""I clearly imagined Ellie breaking up with me. <w>This time — for good."""
text23194;"""But we already—"""
text23195;"""I started timidly but she interrupted me:"""
text23196;"""We need to talk to grandpa if we want to be together. If we want to…"""
text23197;"""…keep playing music."""
text23198;"""Alright…"""
text23199;"""I breathed out with relief."""
text23200;"""So… you love me?"""
text23201;"""Of course. I always have."""
text23202;"""She said simply."""
text23203;"""Did you ever doubt it?"""
text23204;"""Yeah, you know, occasionally."""
text23205;"""Ellie laughed and embraced me, pressing her entire body against mine."""
text23206;"""From now on, you'll never have to doubt me."""
text23207;"""Is that a promise?"""
text23208;"""It is!"""
text23209;"""I grabbed Ellie by the waist, lifted her, and gave her a passionate kiss."""
text23210;"""We said goodbye to the guys and started waiting for a car outside the club."""
text23211;"""Are you sure this is a good idea?"""
text23212;"""Nick!"""
text23213;"""She stomped her foot."""
text23214;"""No, I'm not saying we shouldn't talk to him at all. But maybe… tomorrow?"""
text23215;"""What will change tomorrow?"""
text23216;"""You're right — nothing."""
text23217;"""I sighed in resignation."""
text23218;"""Soon a car stopped by us; a man in a black suit with a grim-looking face stepped out of it and gave Ellie a questioning look."""
text23219;"""He's coming with me today."""
text23220;"""No objections followed."""
text23221;"""…"""
text23222;"""The road there seemed unbelievably long, and when we finally arrived, I felt like I'd spent half a day unmoving in an uncomfortable position."""
text23223;"""Are you scared?"""
text23224;"""Ellie asked with a smile on her face."""
text23225;"""She certainly had nothing be scared about — it was her house."""
text23226;"""If I say I'm not — will that be the right answer?"""
text23227;"""Let's go then!"""
text23228;"""Once we reached the ballroom, Ellie stopped."""
text23229;"""Wait here, I'll call for grandpa."""
text23230;"""She quickly ran up the stairs, leaving me alone."""
text23231;"""And if even my own home sometimes seemed too big and empty to me, how did Ellie feel <i>here</i>?"""
text23232;"""Surely there had to be loyal servants waiting somewhere in the back rooms for their master to call them, but if you didn't know that, the mansion seemed abandoned."""
text23233;"""Even though there wasn't a single speck of dust anywhere and every surfaced virtually sparkled."""
text23234;"""Luckily, the lights in the chandeliers under the ceiling shone brightly; otherwise, I would've imagined ghosts roaming the endless dark halls of the house."""
text23235;"""It took at least ten minutes, but I finally heard steps in the distance: quick, light, springy, and after them — heavy and slow but at the same time filled with confidence."""
text23236;"""Ellie appeared on the balcony first."""
text23237;"""Get bored without us?"""
text23238;"""She waved at me happily."""
text23239;"""I walked up the stairs to them and politely bowed to Kobayashi Jun, trying to make the gesture not seem too sycophantic."""
text23240;"""Nikolai."""
text23241;"""His voice sounded like he'd run into a particularly unlikeable employee in a narrow corridor."""
text23242;"""Grandpa, we need to have a serious talk!"""
text23243;"""Ellie said in a voice that left no room for objections, and even Kobayashi Jun himself obediently prepared to listen."""
text23244;"""Nick and I made up, and…"""
text23245;"""But the first words didn't come easy to her, which the old man used, quickly interjecting:"""
text23246;"""Really? And here I thought you and Nikolai weren't together anymore, since he…"""
text23247;"""The old man squinted cunningly, giving me a quick glance."""
text23248;"""I hope you haven't forgotten what you'd told me just recently?"""
text23249;"""It's all in the past."""
text23250;"""Your mood changes very quickly, Elizabeth. It's a bad habit."""
text23251;"""Maybe. But it's my habit!"""
text23252;"""Ellie retaliated, crossing her arms over her chest and taking a wide stance."""
text23253;"""And so is playing music. Nick is going to play in our band again."""
text23254;"""Really? <w>Why was I the last to find out?"""
text23255;"""So today's concert wasn't going to be just a one time thing."""
text23256;"""Although that was undeniably good news."""
text23257;"""So the musician I'd found for you didn't fit in the band?"""
text23258;"""He plays well but… It's our band, and I want Nick to play bass in it."""
text23259;"""I see. Anything else?"""
text23260;"""He asked briefly and without any malice."""
text23261;"""Else? Well… Aren't you going to scold me?"""
text23262;"""The old man looked at me, then back at Ellie."""
text23263;"""Was he not prepared to talk openly in my presence?"""
text23264;"""If so, this kind of sensitivity looked a little petty, given the scale of Kobayashi Jun as a person."""
text23265;"""Elizabeth, I'm ready to discuss it with you another time."""
text23266;"""Why not now? Because Nick is here? You can talk in his presence — I don't have any secrets from him!"""
text23267;"""She grinned, finding her grandfather's weak spot."""
text23268;"""Did he really not know what'd been going on?"""
text23269;"""That I'd been running after Ellie for the past while, about the powder, even Tokyo Rider's visit?"""
text23270;"""It was in his power to get rid of me when Ellie and I had just broken up."""
text23271;"""What was it, sentimentality or just complete myopia when it came to his family?"""
text23272;"""Elizabeth, I really think that…"""
text23273;"""I decided it was time for me to interfere:"""
text23274;"""Kobayashi-sama, I know you might think I'm good for nothing, but I'll make every effort to make your granddaughter happy!"""
text23275;"""Words, Nikolai, those are just words. They're worth no more than the air we're breathing."""
text23276;"""Do you believe that strumming those guitars of yours is true happiness?"""
text23277;"""Grandpa!"""
text23278;"""Ellie exclaimed resentfully."""
text23279;"""And even if I wanted, I cannot approve of such…"""
text23280;"""It's the end of the 20th century now, you know! Are you going to force me into marrying one of your business partners who'll be thirty years older than me?"""
text23281;"""The old man frowned, and for an instant, it seemed like he was finally ready to show Ellie her place."""
text23282;"""But instead he just softly reprimanded her:"""
text23283;"""I've lived a long life, Elizabeth. And I know how to avoid the mistakes that…"""
text23284;"""That my parents made, you want to say?"""
text23285;"""He froze and looked straight at her unblinkingly."""
text23286;"""And since you blame yourself for mom's death, you've decided to take it out on me?"""
text23287;"""But lightning doesn't strike the same place twice!"""
text23288;"""Elizabeth, this is not a subject for discussion! The risk is too…"""
text23289;"""Risk, grandpa? Seriously? <i>You</i> are saying this? Weren't you taking risks when you were eighteen? Weren't risks required to create Kobayashi Corporation?"""
text23290;"""I'm a different matter."""
text23291;"""He replied hesitantly."""
text23292;"""Reaaaally? And why is that?"""
text23293;"""Well, because…"""
text23294;"""This was seemingly the first time I'd seen Kobayashi Jun lost. <w>At least to an extent."""
text23295;"""But I still couldn't get rid of the feeling that he was about to run out of patience and order his goons to bury me somewhere in the forest behind the house."""
text23296;"""Maybe they had an entire cemetery there already?"""
text23297;"""Grandpa, it's not fair to me! What if we become stars? Don't you want me to succeed? Even if it's going to be in something else."""
text23298;"""I saw the same stubborn expression on the old man's face I'd sometimes noticed on Ellie's."""
text23299;"""But the question was asked point blank, and even Kobayashi Jun, smooth tongued as he was, would find it hard to get out of this one."""
text23300;"""Elizabeth, I really think we should discuss this once you've calmed down a little."""
text23301;"""Good thing I'd managed to get to the club before Ellie had the time to snort anything earlier today."""
text23302;"""I wondered what her grandfather would've said then…"""
text23303;"""No way! We're discussing this here and now!"""
text23304;"""I was a bit afraid to enter into their argument; the old man noticed that, and, apparently, decided to use it."""
text23305;"""Nikolai, at least you should talk some sense into her. After all, you've said you're ready to make Elizabeth happy."""
text23306;"""But I think Ellie is right, Kobayashi-sama."""
text23307;"""I said firmly, despite trembling inside."""
text23308;"""She's not a child anymore — she can make decisions about her future herself. And bear responsibility for them."""
text23309;"""<i>Responsibility</i>!"""
text23310;"""He smirked."""
text23311;"""So far all your mistakes have been corrected by us adults."""
text23312;"""Saying that, the old man for some reason kept looking at me."""
text23313;"""Kobayashi-sama, we're not living in a dystopia — children grow up, some make mistakes on the way, but the majority become normal people."""
text23314;"""<i>Normal</i>, is it? But it's not enough for me that Elizabeth becomes <i>normal</i>!"""
text23315;"""But you do want her to be happy, don't you?"""
text23316;"""Yes, grandpa! You do, right?"""
text23317;"""Ellie frowned."""
text23318;"""Kobayashi Jun paused for a few moments, then gave us a big smile and said:"""
text23319;"""I can see that you have your hearts set on it. But this conversation isn't over yet."""
text23320;"""He turned around, preparing to leave, but suddenly stopped and said one more thing:"""
text23321;"""When I was left alone with Ellie, she breathed a sigh of relief."""
text23322;
text23323;"""Oof, that went way better than I expected."""
text23324;"""Yeah? You think so?"""
text23325;"""As I saw it, the old fox had simply decided to make a tactical retreat to then slowly wear us down."""
text23326;"""On the other hand, he wasn't obstructing our relationship in any way at least for now and maybe just decided to wait for Ellie to change her mind again."""
text23327;"""I didn't want to admit it, but her grandfather knew her way better than I did."""
text23328;"""Either way, it's all up to us now."""
text23329;"""I have to do something with my personality too. Being a spoiled ojou-sama isn't always a good thing."""
text23330;"""…"""
text23331;"""What, aren't you going to say \""no, Ellie, you aren't like that at all\""?"""
text23332;"""Well, if you think so yourself…"""
text23333;"""Ellie looked at me for awhile, as if trying to come up with a good reply, then suddenly yawned."""
text23334;"""Your grandpa wanted you to go to bed earlier."""
text23335;"""I smiled."""
text23336;"""But…"""
text23337;"""No buts! We've just made peace with him — do you want to screw everything up again?!"""
text23338;"""Fiiine!"""
text23339;"""She responded, not even sounding too disappointed."""
text23340;"""I'll ask the driver to take you home."""
text23341;"""That would be very convenient. But before that…"""
text23342;"""I pulled her over and gave her a passionate kiss."""
text23343;"""We walked out to the street, immediately embraced by the chilling, piercing wind."""
text23344;"""Winter was coming…"""
text23345;"""I shivered, which didn't escape Ellie's notice."""
text23346;"""Hold on, I'll be right back!"""
text23347;"""She returned a couple minutes later with my jacket in her hands, the one I'd put around her shoulders that night on the square in the center of Tokyo."""
text23348;"""Here!"""
text23349;"""Ellie proudly handed it to me."""
text23350;"""Just in time."""
text23351;"""I laughed."""
text23352;"""…"""
text23353;"""The lights flew by me."""
text23354;"""I was sitting in the back of an expensive, executive car, idly watching the endless streets, the numerous lanterns snatched out of the dark, the electrical lights of signs and houses."""
text23355;"""In a sense, Tokyo never slept, doing its best to ward off the darkness for the sake of every citizen who did not wish to surrender to Morpheus' embrace."""
text23356;"""But right now I only wanted one thing — to get to my bed and end this crazy day as soon as I possibly could."""
text23357;"""To start a new one tomorrow."""
text23358;"""Of course, the Kobayashi Jun question was far from resolved, not everything was clear about my relationship with Ellie either, but today I had done something incredibly important and matured a lot."""
text23359;"""Maybe — I'd even say probably — new challenges awaited us in the future, but at least things didn't look as hopelessly grim anymore!"""
text23360;"""Time passed by, and soon life returned to normal."""
text23361;"""Kyosuke seemed almost happier than me that I made up with Ellie."""
text23362;"""Michael was more reserved but also congratulated me on the occasion, even feeling charitable enough to give a smile."""
text23363;"""Learning about it, the rest of our classmates pretended they hadn't been avoiding me just recently, suspecting that Iwamura and I were a thing."""
text23364;"""Kagome herself was clearly unhappy about it but did her best not to show it and stopped chasing me around."""
text23365;"""(Which I was very happy about, since it clearly took an effort for Ellie to hold back her baseless jealousy.)"""
text23366;"""The guys in the band also breathed a sigh of relief when things calmed down."""
text23367;"""The last concert was even more successful than we had first thought — we started getting more offers from organizers."""
text23368;"""We had to practice more than before, Ellie and Ishida started writing new songs, while I tried to spend several hours almost every evening perfecting my bass technique."""
text23369;"""Soon, graduation exams began, so Ellie and I started spending much less time together."""
text23370;"""But I still felt that our love became stronger and stronger with every day."""
text23371;"""…"""
text23372;"""On the day of our graduation ceremony, every student gathered in the yard, the principal's never-changing podium appeared at the school's entrance, but Ellie was nowhere to be seen."""
text23373;"""I ran to her classroom, but it was empty."""
text23374;"""Well, then it was obvious…"""
text23375;"""The old school wing was filled with the sounds of a piano."""
text23376;"""Ellie was sitting behind it, playing one of our songs, staring unblinkingly in front of her."""
text23377;"""Here you are! I've been looking for you everywhere! Let's go or they'll start without us!"""
text23378;"""Nick…?"""
text23379;"""She asked as if waking up from a daydream and turned to me."""
text23380;"""Come on! We'll be late!"""
text23381;"""She closed the lid and pouted."""
text23382;"""I don't want to. I… I…"""
text23383;"""She suddenly sobbed."""
text23384;"""I'm scared."""
text23385;"""Scared of what, silly?"""
text23386;"""I asked with genuine surprise."""
text23387;"""I don't want our school days to end. We've been so happy here, and I don't know what'll happen to us in the future."""
text23388;"""Well, we'll only be happier…"""
text23389;"""Distracted by the mundane, lately I had barely considered <i>the future</i>."""
text23390;"""Unexpectedly, the future for me started to consist of the following day's rehearsal, repeating bass parts, and thoughts of what to make for dinner to surprise Ellie."""
text23391;"""I guess, having had my share of suffering, I just wanted to appreciate the current moment."""
text23392;"""We can't stay high schoolers our entire lives… We need to move on."""
text23393;"""We can't? Why not?"""
text23394;"""She pouted like a spoiled child."""
text23395;"""I came closer."""
text23396;"""Should've thought about it earlier if you wanted to repeat the year. Too late now — Kiyama-sensei is about to start handing out diplomas."""
text23397;"""Then let's not take them."""
text23398;"""You'll get yours by mail anyway."""
text23399;"""I grinned and sat down next to her."""
text23400;"""Nick, I want to remember this room forever."""
text23401;"""She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me."""
text23402;"""When I'm here, with you, I don't need anything else!"""
text23403;"""Ellie pulled my tie off and began to unbutton my shirt."""
text23404;"""But sunshine, our diplomas… We'll be late…"""
text23405;"""Then you better not waste time arguing!"""
text23406;"""…"""
text23407;"""Naturally, Ellie had to enroll into a university, even though she didn't particularly want to."""
text23408;"""But her grandfather reasonably decided that having a university degree would never hurt, no matter what she was planning to do with her life."""
text23409;"""Meanwhile, I found a job at a game development company (with Kyosuke's help)."""
text23410;"""My responsibilities included picking up the mail, making coffee, sending press releases to different newspapers and magazines, and sometimes even helping programmers with the simpler tasks that didn't require much knowledge or proficiency."""
text23411;"""I liked the job, and, most importantly, it didn't tire me out."""
text23412;"""I was employed as a part-timer, so I didn't spend two thirds of my life at the office like the majority of the Japanese workforce."""
text23413;"""We would rehearse in the evenings and perform almost every week, and I would often spend nights together with Ellie."""
text23414;"""Strangely enough, it didn't feel like she was growing distant after our school life ended."""
text23415;"""Naturally, in many senses each of us had their own lives now, but they followed parallel paths to the same destination, not diverging into different directions."""
text23416;"""I really wanted Z FEEL-Z to be recognized outside of the crowded halls of rock clubs."""
text23417;"""But the other guys were getting older, Ishida had started a family, and the money from our performances and part-time jobs was no longer enough for him."""
text23418;"""And working full-time in modern Japanese society didn't allow any kind of serious involvement in music."""
text23419;"""On the one hand, I realized that the only irreplaceable person in the band was Ellie, but on the other…"""
text23420;"""I could be rightfully called a real musician by then — and I didn't want to get some random guy to take Ishida's place."""
text23421;"""Or anyone else's, to be honest — we were a harmonious and tight-knit group. <w>Which doesn't happen often with rock bands."""
text23422;"""And that's when we got lucky…"""
text23423;"""They say that fortune favors the bold, but the bold are usually the people who put the most effort into what they do."""
text23424;"""And if you flip a coin a million times, sooner or later it will inevitably land on its edge."""
text23425;"""In short, we were offered an album recording contract by one of the labels that worked with rock music."""
text23426;"""It wasn't the biggest but was famous enough to satisfy our egos and fill our wallets."""
text23427;"""By then we had more than enough material, and it turned out to be a complicated task to choose songs to fit the forty minute runtime."""
text23428;"""We spent several months in a studio, trying different arrangements, endlessly re-recording the instrument tracks, helping the sound director with mixing and mastering."""
text23429;"""Finally, our first album \""Bad Days. Good Days.\"" saw the light of day!"""
text23430;"""It's difficult to pinpoint the moment when I realized we'd stopped being one of those beginner bands that spent their free time on music, not hoping to achieve anything greater."""
text23431;"""Somehow, it happened all on its own."""
text23432;"""And there I was, quitting my job and dedicating myself fully to playing bass."""
text23433;"""Around that time I finally moved in with Ellie, or, to be exact, she moved in with me."""
text23434;"""Of course, her grandfather objected, but that war had long been lost, and it could be that the conversation that evening after the concert had been the decisive battle."""
text23435;"""When you back down once, it becomes easier and easier to make concessions afterwards."""
text23436;"""In small matters at first, and then in more and more important things."""
text23437;"""Apparently, even people like Kobayashi Jun are powerless against the fundamental laws of psychology."""
text23438;"""Throughout all that time, I only saw him a couple of times, and it always seemed to be accidental — when I was visiting Ellie at her place."""
text23439;"""The old man was polite, and his face never expressed anything but hospitality practiced to the point it had become automatic."""
text23440;"""It was hard for me to say how genuine it was, and I didn't even want to think about that."""
text23441;"""But he wasn't getting any younger — and sooner or later there had to be a moment when the question of inheritance could no longer be postponed."""
text23442;"""People were saying that there was a young and promising girl in the Corporation who was already running the business planning department, and she seemed to be the same age as Ellie and me."""
text23443;"""In Japan, inviting a person from outside to continue the family business is a common practice."""
text23444;"""So why wouldn't Kobayashi Jun pay attention to that girl?"""
text23445;"""In any case, I didn't care much about the fate of his Corporation since it no longer had anything to do with Ellie."""
text23446;"""It's amazing how things that had seemed to be so crucial just recently, and the dangers that seemed so lethal, are washed away with the flow of time like images on hundred-year-old photos, and the sounds and feelings that accompanied them fade away…"""
text23447;"""And then the choice between chunks of meat at a convenience store becomes a more serious challenge than how the turmoils of the past are seen in your memories."""
text23448;"""Or, maybe, it happens only with issues that are happily resolved."""
text23449;"""Either way, tourism isn't the same as immigration, and at first Ellie found it hard to live without maids, a cook, and a personal driver."""
text23450;"""Of course, she'd stayed at my place plenty of times before, but never longer than several days in a row."""
text23451;"""And naturally she had never before had to wash and iron clothes, clean the house, or — god forbid! — cook her own food."""
text23452;"""She tried to bear with her new responsibilities stoically but I could see that it wasn't easy for her."""
text23453;"""To find out in your twenties that a shirt will be crumpled if it isn't ironed — it'd be a shock to anyone!"""
text23454;"""I wouldn't say it was always easy, that there were never arguments or even fights between us."""
text23455;"""Ellie would often suddenly have large sums of money on hand exactly when we needed it most."""
text23456;"""I knew that her grandfather was helping her but didn't dare argue, because we really needed it."""
text23457;"""It was hard for me to say what was driving Kobayashi Jun. <w>How would I have acted if I were in his shoes?"""
text23458;"""Perhaps it only seemed weird to me because I lacked experience in life."""
text23459;"""Or maybe, I simply didn't know something important."""
text23460;"""…"""
text23461;"""Several more years passed."""
text23462;"""We finished recording our third album and were invited to perform at the Budokan for the first time."""
text23463;"""It was what we'd dreamed of our entire lives!"""
text23464;"""Although I'd hardly dreamt of becoming a professional musician before I turned eighteen, but was it that important?"""
text23465;"""Scientists say that human cells are fully replaced over the course of seven years."""
text23466;"""I was twenty five by now, which meant that I was a completely different person from my eighteen-year-old self."""
text23467;"""And there we were, going on stage."""
text23468;"""Ellie was a bit ahead, with me right behind."""
text23469;"""The crowd had been roaring and chanting \""Z FEEL-Z\"" for a while now!"""
text23470;"""Why do you always need to make the audience wait?"""
text23471;"""To warm and rile them up before the actual performance — was probably the right answer."""
text23472;"""We'd played on other open stages and in big clubs many times before, but the Budokan was on a completely different level!"""
text23473;"""The sound of our guitars traveled hundreds of meters all around us, slipping between the stands, flying all the way up to the arches of the roof."""
text23474;"""The bass was rippling rhythmically through the people in the front rows, and it seemed to me that an ocean was raging in front of us, preparing for a storm."""
text23475;"""Even our instruments started to sound different — more majestic and menacing, like vikings' horns before a battle."""
text23476;"""As usual, Ellie was giving it her all, and I suddenly remembered how it all started…"""
text23477;"""That day when she first walked into my room, tuned the bass, and the two of us played one of the songs that would be part of today's concert."""
text23478;"""It seemed that it'd happened so long ago, but, at the same time, the memories preserved their old colors, Ellie's shining smile, her golden laughter, and the attractive dimples on her cheeks that had seemed so unreachable to me back then."""
text23479;"""In the break between songs, she turned to me and smiled — just like back then, seven years ago."""
text23480;"""It was incredible how two people from different worlds had fallen in love with each other, weathered every challenge and were still together even after such a long time."""
text23481;"""But not standing in place, no, but moving forward, to new heights!"""
text23482;"""It could be that a world tour lay ahead of us…"""
text23483;"""Maybe we'd even perform in Russia, now that it was open to the world after the collapse of the USSR."""
text23484;"""In another seven years, the 20th century would be over but — so I believed! — Ellie and I would still be together, and Z FEEL-Z would still be performing!"""
text23485;"""My stubbornness could have led me the wrong way more than once or even cost me my life, but if I had made any other choices, I wouldn't be standing on this stage with the woman I loved."""
text23486;"""And though the lyrics of her songs made thousands of people in the audience ecstatic, I knew that only our love was filling them with true meaning!"""
text23487;"""Every story has its beginning and its end — but ours was just getting started!"""
text23488;"""…"""