text20782;"""It was probably a good thing that Ellie and I met right after school and went to the club together."""
text20783;"""Otherwise, I would've died of anxiety."""
text20784;"""Nick, you look so pale…"""
text20785;"""She came closer and gently touched my forehead."""
text20786;"""The guitars, our equipment, and several bags with stuff lay against the wall."""
text20787;"""All of it had been brought by her guards, which itself looked pretty weird."""
text20788;"""The others members appeared soon enough."""
text20789;"""Alright, so, we go second, a bit after seven."""
text20790;"""Mhm."""
text20791;"""Let's get inside, then? The sound guy asked us not to be late for the sound check."""
text20792;"""…"""
text20793;"""My bass sounded completely different on stage compared to our rehearsal studio, different even from how I remembered hearing it from the hall of this same club!"""
text20794;"""I told Ishida about it but he just shrugged."""
text20795;"""Don't worry, that's normal. You don't want them to turn the speakers on us so we go deaf, right?"""
text20796;"""I guess not…"""
text20797;"""It was much easier to get myself together than I'd expected."""
text20798;"""Despite the jittering, my fingers remembered each part, and sometimes seemed to start playing all on their own, bypassing my mind."""
text20799;"""…"""
text20800;"""We waited in the dressing room until the first band finished the introduction, and then finally it was time for Z FEEL-Z to take the stage."""
text20801;"""Don't worry Nick, everything's going to be fine!"""
text20802;"""I'm not worried…"""
text20803;"""Alright, I am. But I'm fine."""
text20804;"""For luck!"""
text20805;"""She kissed me lightly and ran ahead."""
text20806;"""…"""
text20807;"""There were way more people in the hall than I'd thought."""
text20808;"""And the club seemed to have grown in all three dimensions — the far end having floated off somewhere into the distance beyond the haze of cigarette smoke."""
text20809;"""The audience was looking at us impatiently, not having heard what they'd expected from the first band."""
text20810;"""The silence was dragging on — Ellie was having issues with her microphone."""
text20811;"""But finally she sorted it out and loudly greeted the hall:"""
text20812;"""Hello everyone! I hope this will be a fun evening for you all! We're Z FEEL-Z!"""
text20813;"""Mitsuyoshi started the count, and the music took over my entire being."""
text20814;"""What I felt during rehearsal and up on stage were like two entirely different states of matter."""
text20815;"""<i>Back there</i> I'd been something hard, inert, highly resistant to any interaction, and I had to put tremendous effort into every note I played."""
text20816;"""But <i>here</i> I seemed to have cast off my physical self — and the music flowed by itself."""
text20817;"""Just a single glance at the bass was enough to know what sound it was going to make next."""
text20818;"""I looked at Ellie — she'd transformed completely. The girl with the guitar looked like a stranger to me, radiating enough energy to illuminate the hall better than any stage light in the world."""
text20819;"""Coming closer, I could feel the heat coming off from her."""
text20820;"""I found myself thinking that for a while I'd been paying zero attention to my bass, simply playing, immersed in the music."""
text20821;"""And then the first song came to its end, and the club gave us a moderate round of applause."""
text20822;"""Thank you!"""
text20823;"""Ellie shouted into the microphone, and we started the next song without a pause."""
text20824;"""Ishida wasn't the most expressive guitarist in the world, but he still shook his head to the beat in all the right places, twirling and bouncing around."""
text20825;"""Meanwhile I just stood still and tried to play my part as correctly as possible."""
text20826;"""Eventually, I got bored of that — I slowly approached Ishida and leaned forward together with the bass."""
text20827;"""He understood my silent request and immediately began swaying back and forth, waving his guitar like a paddle."""
text20828;"""I'd seen something like this at concerts with western rock bands, but just a moment earlier I would have never imagined trying it."""
text20829;"""The feeling of lightness and freedom was intoxicating."""
text20830;"""We started playing the third track, and all my senses sharpened — I could feel the strings vibrating, see the flashes of the drum beats, smell the guitar solo."""
text20831;"""Sweat ran down my forehead and got in my eyes, but I didn't care."""
text20832;"""My perception was so amplified that I felt every note with my spinal cord, but at the same time I only now realized that I'd long stopped looking at the audience."""
text20833;"""In the entire universe, there was only this stage and the other four people standing on it."""
text20834;"""We were performing for the planets, flying through clusters of galaxies, saling over waves of dark matter, racing against background radiation."""
text20835;"""The fourth piece was the song that I could never manage well enough when we'd practiced it, so I had to return to Earth to focus on my playing."""
text20836;"""But to my surprise my fingers danced up and down the neck effortlessly like the tentacles of an octopus."""
text20837;"""…"""
text20838;"""We played five songs, said goodbye to the audience that had treated us warmly but without a storm of applause, and returned to the dressing room."""
text20839;"""See, and you were worried!"""
text20840;"""Ellie wiped the sweat off her forehead and greedily downed a bottle of water."""
text20841;"""…"""
text20842;"""I couldn't come up with anything to say and grabbed one of the many beers that were on the table."""
text20843;"""Ellie looked at me with surprise but said nothing <seq el_smile>and just smiled."""
text20844;"""I'll also say that everything went… better than I expected."""
text20845;"""Ah, so you didn't think highly of Nick to begin with, did you?"""
text20846;"""Mitsuyoshi teased him."""
text20847;"""I never said that!"""
text20848;"""Ishida got mad."""
text20849;"""Relax, it's a joke!"""
text20850;"""The atmosphere in the room was celebratory, but the concert was far from over — there were three more bands performing after us."""
text20851;"""Do you want to listen to the others?"""
text20852;"""Why not?"""
text20853;"""I shrugged."""
text20854;"""You can go first, I'll catch up"""
text20855;"""Ellie said, going through her handbag."""
text20856;"""We walked to the hall right when the next band appeared on stage."""
text20857;"""Dragons of Fury."""
text20858;"""Mitsuyoshi whispered in my ear."""
text20859;"""What?"""
text20860;"""Dragons of Fury. That's the name of the band."""
text20861;"""Dumb name."""
text20862;"""I scoffed, but none of the guys shared my mood."""
text20863;"""The Dragons were playing heavier music than we had, and were five to ten years older than us as well."""
text20864;"""And the audience clearly liked them better."""
text20865;"""Apparently, the organizers had chosen the order the bands played in based on popularity."""
text20866;"""An hour earlier, something so <i>unfair</i> would've made me furious, but now I just felt proud of myself and Z FEEL-Z."""
text20867;"""When you've given it your all, you don't care so much about not making it into the Guinness Book of Records that day."""
text20868;"""We were standing at the bar, idly sipping beer, but Ellie still hadn't returned from the dressing room."""
text20869;"""Ellie's taking her time."""
text20870;"""I got a little anxious."""
text20871;"""Don't hurry her. She always needs some time alone to recover after a concert."""
text20872;"""She always gives it her all…"""
text20873;"""Mitsuyoshi added."""
text20874;"""But there was something disingenuous about the way they said it, like they were trying to cover for a fellow drinker in front his wife as she looked for him."""
text20875;"""You're not telling me something, guys."""
text20876;"""Like what?"""
text20877;"""Ishida asked calmly but still looked away."""
text20878;"""Like… I don't know."""
text20879;"""I looked at Tokyo Rider, but his ever-present, even indoors, sunglasses made his expression unreadable."""
text20880;"""I'll go and check."""
text20881;"""Nick…"""
text20882;"""Ishida raised his hand to stop me, but then sighed deeply and stepped aside."""
text20883;"""Something was wrong, I could feel it."""
text20884;"""And it wasn't even that she wouldn't come out for so long."""
text20885;"""Ellie had been in the dressing room alone for forty minutes or so — the entire performance of the Dragons of Fury."""
text20886;"""But that was enough…"""
text20887;"""I opened the door and saw her sitting on the floor in a sort of unnatural pose."""
text20888;"""Ellie?! What happened?"""
text20889;"""Hi, Nick… I was about to go join you guys, but then I felt a bit dizzy…"""
text20890;"""Ellie said in a weak voice."""
text20891;"""I jumped to her and tried to help her stand up, but she pushed me away."""
text20892;"""Everything's fine…"""
text20893;"""She was slurring her words and looked anything but <i>fine</i>!"""
text20894;"""Pale face, dilated pupils, arms hanging powerlessly from her body."""
text20895;"""Do you feel okay?"""
text20896;"""No, Nick, I feel great…"""
text20897;"""And then I realized."""
text20898;"""How much did you take?"""
text20899;"""Just a bit…"""
text20900;"""Sorry."""
text20901;"""She suddenly started crying."""
text20902;"""I promised you I wouldn't do it anymore, but I was so worried, I couldn't help it."""
text20903;"""I'm going to call an ambulance!"""
text20904;"""I dashed across the room, looking for a phone that most likely wasn't there."""
text20905;"""Wait, don't. Everything will be alright. Just let me rest."""
text20906;"""How can I <i>just</i> watch you die!?"""
text20907;"""Everything's going to be fine… I promise."""
text20908;"""She tried to smile and failed miserably."""
text20909;"""Ellie, how much did you take?"""
text20910;"""Everything I had."""
text20911;"""And how much did you have, God damn it?!"""
text20912;"""Nick, don't be mad. I love you."""
text20913;"""What does love have to do with it!? You can't love me if you're dead!"""
text20914;"""I was shouting at her, even though deep inside I understood right now it was useless."""
text20915;"""Trying to assign blame instead of solving the problem never works well."""
text20916;"""I could repeat that Ellie shouldn't have done it as many times as I wanted, but what would it achieve?"""
text20917;"""At the moment, I had to solve a specific problem and only then figure how to not let it happen again."""
text20918;"""Nick, don't worry…"""
text20919;"""Of course I'm worried. Of course I'm going to fucking worry, what else am I supposed to do?!"""
text20920;"""Everything was fine! Why…"""
text20921;"""And still, like almost everyone in such a situation, I was going back down the path of pointless accusations."""
text20922;"""A thought flashed through my mind of what Kobayashi Jun would do to me if Ellie died."""
text20923;"""I swore at myself on all that is holy for my cowardice, but the thought was only getting stronger."""
text20924;"""If you love me, why didn't you think about me? About how I'd feel if… if something happened to you?!"""
text20925;"""Nick, I'm sorry… I just… miscalculated a little. I'm gonna sit here for a bit, and it'll all pass."""
text20926;"""I bent over, grabbed her powerless arm, and found the vein in her wrist."""
text20927;"""Her pulse was in overdrive."""
text20928;"""God, your heart is beating like crazy!"""
text20929;"""But that means I'm still alive, right?"""
text20930;"""She barely managed to smile."""
text20931;"""There wasn't a phone to be found in the dressing room but I physically couldn't bear just waiting around."""
text20932;"""Hold on, I'll go get Ishida."""
text20933;"""…"""
text20934;"""A minute later, the two of us were standing over Ellie, who was on the floor in the same pose."""
text20935;"""What do we do?"""
text20936;"""I kept muttering."""
text20937;"""El, again?"""
text20938;"""He sighed heavily."""
text20939;"""So this isn't the first time?!"""
text20940;"""I was ready to tear into Ishida — as if it was all his fault."""
text20941;"""In the absence of any real physical threat to our own lives, the part of the brain we inherited from animals, which is responsible for emotions, tries to find in our surroundings the reason we're worrying over a loved one."""
text20942;"""That overly academic explanation didn't stop me from going off at Ishida."""
text20943;"""What did was the understanding that even the promise Ellie had made with me didn't stop her. <w>To me — the person who, according to her, she loved."""
text20944;"""Sorry."""
text20945;"""It's okay, I understand. Don't worry — it'll be alright. It <i>has</i> to be."""
text20946;"""Guys, I'm still alive and don't plan on dying any time soon."""
text20947;"""Ellie's face finally started returning to its natural color."""
text20948;"""If you've got any left, hand it over to me right now!"""
text20949;"""I don't have any left. Honest."""
text20950;"""Nick, we can't leave her here. She needs to rest and sleep."""
text20951;"""I understand. But her guards are at the club…"""
text20952;"""There's a back entrance."""
text20953;"""Don't act like I'm not here."""
text20954;"""Ellie protested weakly."""
text20955;"""I'll ask Tokyo Rider to get the car. Leave in five minutes."""
text20956;"""Thank you."""
text20957;"""When Ishida left, I sat on the floor next to Ellie."""
text20958;"""How are you?"""
text20959;"""I feel like I just ran a marathon, then remembered I'd forgotten my wallet at the start and ran back."""
text20960;"""I'd imagine so…"""
text20961;"""Do you often end up like… <i>this</i>?"""
text20962;"""This is the first time."""
text20963;"""Ellie!"""
text20964;"""Even Ishida's words alone made it clear it wasn't."""
text20965;"""After every concert? Really?"""
text20966;"""This one is special."""
text20967;"""But it shouldn't become your last!"""
text20968;"""Sorry…"""
text20969;"""She started crying again."""
text20970;"""If you start feeling really bad, you'll tell me, right?"""
text20971;"""…"""
text20972;"""She didn't respond and lowered her head even more."""
text20973;"""Ellie?!"""
text20974;"""Can't say I exactly feel good now either…"""
text20975;"""But it'll pass. Soon… At some point."""
text20976;"""God, what am I going to do with you…"""
text20977;"""At that moment, I looked at her not like she was a girl I'd just started dating but an alcoholic uncle cast out by the entire family."""
text20978;"""And that feeling made me very uncomfortable."""
text20979;"""I knew I had to help, be with her, but at the same time, Ellie's problems felt like a burden."""
text20980;"""That had to be how people think sitting at the beds of their sick relatives, the degradation of whose health they, though never encouraged, also never resisted."""
text20981;"""No, of course, I didn't feel guilty about what happened to Ellie… <w>I didn't… <w>Or didn't want to."""
text20982;"""Can you walk?"""
text20983;"""Probably."""
text20984;"""I helped Ellie up and walked her through the back door to the alley behind the club."""
text20985;"""Thankfully, Tokyo Rider's new sports car was already there."""
text20986;"""We lay Ellie on the back seat, which left no room for Ishida and Mitsuyoshi."""
text20987;"""I gave them my address, and they promised to take a taxi and follow us."""
text20988;"""…"""
text20989;"""We chose my home of all places because I had no other ideas, and none of the guys offered a better alternative."""
text20990;"""We still had to decide what we'd say to the guards when Ellie would come to her senses."""
text20991;"""Although it seemed she had excuses prepared for occasions like this."""
text20992;"""Tokyo Rider was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hands."""
text20993;"""We put Ellie in my bed and closed the door."""
text20994;"""Where did you find the coffee? I've never had any!"""
text20995;"""He just shrugged in response."""
text20996;"""Then I remembered that the coffee was one of the many things that Ellie's bodyguards had brought."""
text20997;"""Oh, right."""
text20998;"""I sighed."""
text20999;"""Is there any left?"""
text21000;"""Truly cheerful is not one who has drunk coffee but one who is ready for any stroke of fate."""
text21001;"""So there isn't?"""
text21002;"""No."""
text21003;"""Mitsuyoshi and Ishida were late, and Tokyo Rider and I sat in silence, looking at each other."""
text21004;"""Although I couldn't tell where he was looking because of the sunglasses."""
text21005;"""Finally, somebody rang the doorbell."""
text21006;"""…"""
text21007;"""Is El alright?"""
text21008;"""Ishida asked as soon as he entered the kitchen."""
text21009;"""She's <i>alright</i>."""
text21010;"""I wasn't as angry with him as in the dressing room, but the aftertaste remained."""
text21011;"""Concealing information on which a person's life and health depends is considered a crime in almost every country."""
text21012;"""On the other hand, what was he supposed to say?"""
text21013;"""<i>Hi, Nick, glad to have you on board. Actually, did you know that Ellie likes to snort down lines</i>?"""
text21014;"""Were you followed?"""
text21015;"""I don't think so."""
text21016;"""If you're worried about El's security guys, don't be. They won't move until at least midnight, maybe even later."""
text21017;"""Yeah, we usually stay around after a concert to talk with other bands, so…"""
text21018;"""I see."""
text21019;"""It wasn't that we had become complete strangers to each other in the past hour — because we had never been particularly close, either — but at this moment I felt some kind of special disconnect between me and the rest of Z FEEL-Z."""
text21020;"""Sorry we didn't tell you, Nick. Especially when you and El… well, you know."""
text21021;"""Love is like a rose in the wind. It comes unexpectedly, suddenly, and just as quickly dies wretchedly."""
text21022;"""Tokyo Rider took out a real rose from somewhere and started to pluck its petals."""
text21023;"""Is he always like that?"""
text21024;"""I asked, not addressing anyone in particular."""
text21025;"""For a minute we all kept silent."""
text21026;"""I'm not blaming anyone but myself."""
text21027;"""You see, I… well, actually… I knew that Ellie was into it…"""
text21028;"""Moreover, I'd participated!"""
text21029;"""But she promised me she wouldn't do it again."""
text21030;"""And I believed her. Yes, I fucking did!"""
text21031;"""Deep inside, an anger was rising — at myself and the entire world."""
text21032;"""At first, we tried to talk to her, but…"""
text21033;"""Mitsuyoshi started but quickly stopped and lowered his head."""
text21034;"""It's just that Z FEEL-Z is built around El. If not for her, there wouldn't be a band."""
text21035;"""They were acting like older brothers trying to find excuses to give to their parents for their younger sibling's bloody knee."""
text21036;"""Bad is not the wolf who is fed, but who cares not for the forest."""
text21037;"""What the hell are you even talking about?!"""
text21038;"""I got furious."""
text21039;"""Nick, we understand that you're having it the worst right now."""
text21040;"""Thanks, but what the hell do I care? If <i>she</i> doesn't listen to anyone, she won't listen to me either."""
text21041;"""No reply followed. I stood up and walked back and forth through the kitchen."""
text21042;"""And I'll also need explain it to her grandfather…"""
text21043;"""I muttered."""
text21044;"""What?"""
text21045;"""Nothing. Ellie isn't a normal girl with a guitar. Normal girls don't get driven around in a black Mercedes!"""
text21046;"""That's for sure."""
text21047;"""My Swallow is still faster."""
text21048;"""Tokyo Rider remarked nonchalantly."""
text21049;"""You two will need to have a serious talk when El wakes up."""
text21050;"""I know. But we've already talked and…"""
text21051;"""My head was about to explode from all the stress."""
text21052;"""I suddenly felt like the air around me had run out of oxygen — it was as heavy and suffocating as that of a desert."""
text21053;"""It's like she doesn't hear me."""
text21054;"""Ellie's got a complicated character, and this is a… delicate topic."""
text21055;"""I'm afraid that…"""
text21056;"""That she'd ditch me? <w>True, I couldn't rule out the possibility."""
text21057;"""But was I really worried about us not being together anymore, or was I just afraid of Kobayashi Jun's revenge?"""
text21058;"""Of course, even if we were just playing in the same band, I wouldn't want a friend to die at such a young age for such a stupid reason."""
text21059;"""I just don't know what to do!"""
text21060;"""Follow you must the voice of your heart."""
text21061;"""Tokyo Rider said in the voice of Master Yoda, and this time his comment was actually funny — I snorted despite myself, Mitsuyoshi laughed, and Ishida smiled approvingly."""
text21062;"""But I don't have the Force…"""
text21063;"""And I didn't want to believe Ellie's Force was thanks to an external substance."""
text21064;"""I first looked at Ishida — he gave me an apologetic look, then at Mitsuyoshi — he lowered his eyes."""
text21065;"""I wondered if any of them had ever thought of starting a relationship with Ellie? <w>After all, why not?"""
text21066;"""And what stopped them in the end?"""
text21067;"""Nick, we'll help you however we can, but right now you need to handle this on your own."""
text21068;"""Maybe I'd have preferred to not be alone with Ellie when she woke up, but then having the other guys here could make her think the conversation we had to have was more of a tribunal."""
text21069;"""Thank you, guys!"""
text21070;"""I saw the boys to Tokyo Rider's car and, after they had left, long stood in the street, listening to the silence of the night."""
text21071;"""If the guards never found Ellie at the club, it was likely they'd go directly to my place."""
text21072;"""But so far they'd been nothing but polite, and had done their best to stay out of sight."""
text21073;"""I looked at Himitsu's house across the street. The lights were on in the windows."""
text21074;"""Of course, it was stupid to expect that Ryunosuke-san would quit his job and move to the country with his daughter."""
text21075;"""How rapidly can a human life change!"""
text21076;"""Just over a month ago, I didn't even know Ellie and had maybe seen Kobayashi Jun on TV."""
text21077;"""Iwamura was still a normal classmate to me, we had never properly talked."""
text21078;"""And Himitsu… <w>I had no one closer than her in the entire world!"""
text21079;"""And now Ellie had taken her place?"""
text21080;"""Do people really enter our lives that easily and leave them just as well?"""
text21081;"""Then what's the point of holding onto a relationship or love — if tomorrow everything might end instantly?"""
text21082;"""You say or do something wrong — and feelings that had seemed unbreakable fade away."""
text21083;"""But it wasn't the time to plunge myself into the depths of existentialism."""
text21084;"""I returned to the house, walked to my room, and sat on the bed next to Ellie."""
text21085;"""She was sweating in her sleep, had thrown the blanket to the floor, and generally didn't look very healthy."""
text21086;"""I didn't want to wake her up, so I just kept sitting there until the last evening noises outside died off."""
text21087;"""Mmm…"""
text21088;"""Ellie finally stretched and opened her eyes."""
text21089;"""Nick?"""
text21090;"""She gave me a cloudy look."""
text21091;"""Where are we?"""
text21092;"""Home. Don't you remember anything?"""
text21093;"""I remember we were playing at the concert, and then…"""
text21094;"""Did I get that wasted?"""
text21095;"""I couldn't remember Ellie ever drinking much beer."""
text21096;"""In a sense."""
text21097;"""What about the guys?"""
text21098;"""She tried to get up, but I carefully stopped her, putting my hands on her shoulders."""
text21099;"""They've already left."""
text21100;"""What a disgrace…"""
text21101;"""She covered her face with her hands."""
text21102;"""Decorum isn't what you should care about right now."""
text21103;"""Then what?"""
text21104;"""Ellie asked with the innocence of a child."""
text21105;"""What were you doing in the dressing room while the guys and I went out to listen to the next band?"""
text21106;"""I tried to make my voice sound as soft as possible, but there was still a hard tone to it."""
text21107;"""I…"""
text21108;"""Apparently, she remembered, frowned, and turned away."""
text21109;"""Ellie, you can't do that."""
text21110;"""I know! I know that! Why do you need to repeat it for the hundredth time?"""
text21111;"""Because I'm worried."""
text21112;"""…"""
text21113;"""It seemed that my words weren't reaching her, and even agreeing with them, Ellie was still trying to stick to her guns."""
text21114;"""I'm not trying to criticize you…"""
text21115;"""So don't."""
text21116;"""She grumbled, barely audible."""
text21117;"""Don't what? Are you saying I should just watch you… kill yourself?"""
text21118;"""It seemed like the time for euphemisms was over."""
text21119;"""Don't be ridiculous! All rock stars dabble — and no one's died yet."""
text21120;"""Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison…"""
text21121;"""Okay, okay, I get it, you don't need to go on."""
text21122;"""It's not enough to just <i>get it</i>, you need to draw conclusions."""
text21123;"""What am I supposed to tell you? Do you want me to promise I'll never do it again?"""
text21124;"""There was poorly hidden hostility in those words."""
text21125;"""I sighed, moved closer, and put my hand on Ellie's shoulder."""
text21126;"""We've just met — I wouldn't want to say goodbye so soon."""
text21127;"""Could a bit of humor help?"""
text21128;"""Then don't force me to choose."""
text21129;"""Is there a choice for you?"""
text21130;"""I was genuinely surprised by her words."""
text21131;"""What about everything you said about love?"""
text21132;"""No, Nick, no!"""
text21133;"""She immediately started up, raised herself on the bed, and wrapped her hands around me."""
text21134;"""I didn't mean that. Of course I love you! And there's nothing more important for me!"""
text21135;"""It's just…"""
text21136;"""<i>Just</i> what?"""
text21137;"""Nothing. I love you! Do you believe me?"""
text21138;"""Ellie was ready to burst into tears, and it was even strange that she still hadn't."""
text21139;"""I do, of course I do."""
text21140;"""I calmed her down, softly stroking her hair."""
text21141;"""But deep inside, I was starting to resent her."""
text21142;"""I believed Ellie's words, I wanted to, but at the same time I couldn't get rid of the feeling that she just wanted me to confirm that she was sincere."""
text21143;"""Like, look, I love you — what else do you need?!"""
text21144;"""It resembled the whining of a child demanding that adults look at his or her drawing. <w>Even if they had much more important things to do."""
text21145;"""And how much real love was in there? <w>How much was just some whim of a spoiled ojou-sama?"""
text21146;"""But… Love is shown through actions."""
text21147;"""Then what do I need to do?"""
text21148;"""My words cooled her down somewhat."""
text21149;"""You know what."""
text21150;"""Fine."""
text21151;"""She lay back in bed and turned away."""
text21152;"""What?"""
text21153;"""I won't do it anymore, happy now?"""
text21154;"""…"""
text21155;"""Her answer was hardly convincing, but what else could I do in this situation?"""
text21156;"""How do you feel now?"""
text21157;"""Ellie didn't respond. <w>Was she upset with me?"""
text21158;"""By the way, about your security guards… They must be still waiting for you at the club."""
text21159;"""Let them wait — what, am I supposed to report to them?"""
text21160;"""Not to them…"""
text21161;"""I said, directly hinting at Kobayashi Jun."""
text21162;"""If grandfather needs me — he knows where to find me."""
text21163;"""Ellie wasn't afraid of the old man — and why would she be?"""
text21164;"""But did she realize that <i>I</i> had plenty of reasons to fear him?"""
text21165;"""I was sure she did — on a conscious level."""
text21166;"""But unfortunately, we don't always listen to our voice of reason."""
text21167;"""A young lady can easily bring her boyfriend to meet her parents, knowing in advance that they won't approve of him."""
text21168;"""And, most importantly, without even thinking about what it might mean for her cavalier."""
text21169;"""And with her actions, Ellie was pushing me ever closer to the edge of the abyss."""
text21170;"""I felt disgusted by the fact that in this situation I was more worried about myself than about the health and maybe even life of the girl who loved me."""
text21171;"""Or said she did…"""
text21172;"""Alright, I didn't want my concern to sound like a lecture. Sorry."""
text21173;"""No, you're right. I should've been more careful."""
text21174;"""She sighed and paused before continuing."""
text21175;"""I want to say, I shouldn't have done it at all. Since I'd promised you."""
text21176;"""Ellie, if the only thing standing between that powder and you is a promise to me… That's not going to work very well."""
text21177;"""…"""
text21178;"""Ellie?"""
text21179;"""I can hear you."""
text21180;"""I felt more and more like I was talking to a spoiled child."""
text21181;"""Since you can, would you tell me how you're feeling now?"""
text21182;"""Fine."""
text21183;"""So I don't need to call an ambulance?"""
text21184;"""I scoffed."""
text21185;"""Maybe a psychiatrist."""
text21186;"""I know that number by heart."""
text21187;"""Then came that rare silence where you're not pained by a need to do or say something to break it."""
text21188;"""Even the sounds from the street seemed to have completely died down."""
text21189;"""As if my room was suspended in an endless void, with nary a star nor a planet for many light years around."""
text21190;"""And inside were only myself and Ellie as she lay in bed, her back turned to me, probably thinking something of her own."""
text21191;"""Just a few hours ago I'd thought I understood all her feelings. <w>That we had no secrets from each other…"""
text21192;"""Could I say that about myself?"""
text21193;"""I was hiding a lot from Ellie — but not for the same reasons why I'd avoided answering Himitsu's questions."""
text21194;"""Or was that just a convenient explanation…?"""
text21195;"""It's always easier to keep the truth hidden, shielding yourself with concern for others — persuading yourself that they can't handle it."""
text21196;"""I cleaned myself and brushed my teeth, and when I got back, Ellie was already sleeping peacefully, wrapped in a blanket."""