text18227;"""Sometimes, conclusions you come to late at night seem hard-won and suffered-for at the time, but are simple and obvious the following morning.""" text18228;"""The bottom line was that Irina was pushing me to develop a relationship with Ellie.""" text18229;"""And there was nothing wrong with that.""" text18230;"""Good deeds often start with not-so-sincere intentions.""" text18231;"""As is well known, the MIC has developed many things that later found civilian use.""" text18232;"""…""" text18233;"""Kyosuke seemed to have run out of ideas, or maybe he was still upset by what I had done yesterday — either way, my chubby friend was quieter than usual today.""" text18234;"""I barely managed to wait until lunch and ran to the old music classroom as soon as the bell rang.""" text18235;"""Only to find it empty.""" text18236;"""I was about to leave when I heard steps in the corridor, and Ellie walked in.""" text18237;"""Oh, Nick… Didn't expect to meet you here.""" text18238;"""She said without much emotion.""" text18239;"""Sure, I'd decided to talk to her and somehow get an invitation to that ball…""" text18240;"""But I never figured out what exactly to say.""" text18241;"""Yeah, hi… I just wanted to say… It was a bit awkward yesterday — sorry! I didn't mean to accuse you of anything…""" text18242;"""Ellie looked upset.""" text18243;"""You have nothing to apologize for. I was thinking about it a lot too and I realized I said so much…""" text18244;"""Well, it's in the past now! Truce?""" text18245;"""She smiled hesitantly in response.""" text18246;"""I hope that if that bi… Iwamura is really guilty, the police find all the necessary evidence.""" text18247;"""I mean — so she's not falsely accused.""" text18248;"""I know.""" text18249;"""And also, sorry for not coming to the rehearsal the other day and not even calling. I had some… urgent stuff to handle.""" text18250;"""We were waiting for you, you know.""" text18251;"""Ellie frowned.""" text18252;"""Your next absence without good reason will result in your termination!""" text18253;"""What for?!""" text18254;"""I portrayed overblown surprise.""" text18255;"""I hope you won't be finding other reasons to skip rehearsals now.""" text18256;"""…""" text18257;"""I found it hard to find a response to that.""" text18258;"""Anyway, this is my spot — what are you doing here?""" text18259;"""She puffed without a hint of anger.""" text18260;"""What, I'm not allowed to be here?""" text18261;"""No, that's not what I mean… I was just surprised to find somebody in this place.""" text18262;"""Well, you see… Since it's all over, I wanted to ask you…""" text18263;"""Every word took an effort to force out, as if I'd been forced to read a report on climate change at a UN general assembly having only had the night before to prepare.""" text18264;"""I meant to say… Wanna go somewhere together?""" text18265;"""Of course, I didn't owe Kagome anything, but not a day had passed since her arrest, and there I was, hitting on Ellie.""" text18266;"""Yes, I was being forced by Irina, but did I really mind? Not at all, I was very much for it!""" text18267;"""But the whole situation also seemed somewhat surreal, especially the idea that she might agree.""" text18268;"""Somebody was about to turn on the lights, the audience would stand up and leave the room, and I'd return to a cruel and unromantic reality.""" text18269;"""Are you asking me out?""" text18270;"""If you'd like to. Well, we don't need to go out somewhere. We could, I don't know, spend time at your place.""" text18271;"""Play something! Do you like video games? You have a console, don't you?""" text18272;"""I was babbling non stop, afraid to hear her answer.""" text18273;"""Ellie, in turn, looked like she was solving a complex mathematical equation.""" text18274;"""No, I'm not much into games.""" text18275;"""But, actually, we've got a ball tomorrow! You can come. If you want, of course.""" text18276;"""Would your grandfather be okay with it?""" text18277;"""It was weird that yesterday I hadn't thought about Kobayashi Jun's reaction to me showing up at his house.""" text18278;"""Irina hadn't even mentioned it.""" text18279;"""Apparently, she really did only care about the result, not the means.""" text18280;"""He won't even notice you!""" text18281;"""There're so many attendees every year — he'll be busy talking to all sorts of important people and won't have time for me either.""" text18282;"""Well, if you say so…""" text18283;"""There's a formal dress code though.""" text18284;"""What do you mean?""" text18285;"""A white shirt and a tuxedo.""" text18286;"""Ellie, apparently, couldn't even imagine that somebody might not have something as simple as a tuxedo in their wardrobe.""" text18287;"""Meanwhile, I didn't even have a white shirt.""" text18288;"""Sure thing, got it! Who do you think I am? A dirty peasant?!""" text18289;"""She laughed, came closer and fixed my tie.""" text18290;"""For a moment, I froze, forgetting to breathe.""" text18291;"""Better not show up there looking like this.""" text18292;"""A ball, tuxedos… Doesn't feel very rock'n'roll.""" text18293;"""I said to somehow deal with the embarrassment.""" text18294;"""It's not all black and white! This kind of life has its… advantages.""" text18295;"""I guess.""" text18296;"""Just don't overthink it! It's not a date!""" text18297;"""I'd invite Ishida and Mitsuyoshi if they wanted to! Even Tokyo Rider.""" text18298;"""Well, no, maybe not him…""" text18299;"""She added after a second of consideration.""" text18300;"""Never even thought about it!""" text18301;"""But you just asked me out!""" text18302;"""I guess I did…""" text18303;"""This scene was straight out of a bad manga, and I didn't want to get kicked in the ass in the following panel or keep the joke going for a hundred chapters.""" text18304;"""Can I just ask you out for a dance? Once. And we'll go from there.""" text18305;"""A dance, a dance…""" text18306;"""Ellie muttered, as if learning a new word.""" text18307;"""That's what the ball is for — dancing. I dance there every year, so why wouldn't I dance with you?""" text18308;"""Then it's a deal.""" text18309;"""I was about to leave before she changed her mind, but Ellie stopped me:""" text18310;"""What's your surname? For the guest list.""" text18311;"""Anokhin.""" text18312;"""That's a strange surname.""" text18313;"""Sounds normal to me.""" text18314;"""I shrugged.""" text18315;"""See you!""" text18316;"""I quickly walked out of the classroom.""" text18317;"""…""" text18318;"""Now I had to solve the issue of my appearance.""" text18319;"""I didn't know where I could buy a tuxedo in Tokyo. Kyosuke wasn't the guy to ask!""" text18320;"""Although, among my few friends, all two of them to be precise, there was one person who could be able to help.""" text18321;"""I returned to the classroom before the lesson started.""" text18322;"""Michael, I have a personal request.""" text18323;"""I'm listening.""" text18324;"""Do you know where I can get… a tuxedo?""" text18325;"""A tuxedo?""" text18326;"""He asked with genuine surprise.""" text18327;"""Yeah, I need to go to an official event tomorrow. They won't let me in without a tuxedo.""" text18328;"""He thought about it and took his time before answering.""" text18329;"""I do. But it won't be cheap.""" text18330;"""How not cheap exactly?""" text18331;"""At least thirty thousand yen.""" text18332;"""Apart from the fact that I'd need to go to the bank, I couldn't really afford spending that much to begin with.""" text18333;"""I doubted Irina would reimburse me for work expenditures.""" text18334;"""Got it. But I really need a tuxedo…""" text18335;"""Can we meet at six o'clock in the city centre tonight?""" text18336;"""Yeah, no problem.""" text18337;"""Thanks, you're a lifesaver!""" text18338;"""The bank was crowded — it was Friday, the end of the month.""" text18339;"""Every time I withdrew money from the account, I couldn't shake the feeling I was about to find there wasn't a single yen left in it.""" text18340;"""Of course, that was impossible. Or, to be more precise, it was very unlikely.""" text18341;"""But accidents happen, don't they?""" text18342;"""Although the only thing I could imagine that would empty out my account was the complete collapse of the Japanese financial system.""" text18343;"""Walking to meet with Michael, I felt content, my wallet full of money.""" text18344;"""Still, it felt like the invitation to the ball had been too easy to get.""" text18345;"""I guess the sum of good and bad luck in most people's lives more or less equals zero.""" text18346;"""Yes, you don't win millions in the lottery but you also don't get hit by a car and end up crippled.""" text18347;"""Yes, you lose your loved ones, but that's balanced by the time spent with them.""" text18348;"""This time I got lucky with Ellie, but what would tomorrow bring?""" text18349;"""The queue at the bank made me late to the meeting, and Michael was already waiting for me.""" text18350;"""Sorry, got held up.""" text18351;"""No worries. I'm not in a hurry.""" text18352;"""Great! This is a first for me. I mean — choosing a tuxedo.""" text18353;"""Nick, I thought about it and remembered that you could actually just rent a tuxedo.""" text18354;"""Rent? Why?""" text18355;"""Well, let's say you need a tuxedo for just one night and won't have any use for it again, then what's the point of buying it?""" text18356;"""Makes sense.""" text18357;"""I thought over his suggestion.""" text18358;"""Would it be cheaper?""" text18359;"""Most likely.""" text18360;"""Lead the way then!""" text18361;"""…""" text18362;"""We stopped by one of the stores that rent out clothes.""" text18363;"""Evening dresses, jackets, and tuxedos were displayed next to Halloween and anime costumes.""" text18364;"""I carefully examined several tuxedos — all of them were worn, scuffed, and one even had a patch.""" text18365;"""They were cheap, sure, but what would people think of me if I went to a ball at the Kobayashi estate wearing that?""" text18366;"""Nothing to your taste?""" text18367;"""Michael asked when we walked out of the store.""" text18368;"""Nothing at all, to be honest! Have you seen those rugs? I'd feel bad showing up to a drinking party in one of them!""" text18369;"""Not that my wardrobe was any better…""" text18370;"""Is this event you're going to so serious?""" text18371;"""I saw no reason to hide the purpose of buying a tuxedo from him.""" text18372;"""Yes. Kobayashi Ellie's ball.""" text18373;"""Kobayashi Ellie?""" text18374;"""He suddenly livened up.""" text18375;"""I heard something about that from Kyosuke, but I thought it was just his usual chatter.""" text18376;"""Well, sometimes even he can be right.""" text18377;"""So it's all over between you and Catherine?""" text18378;"""Catherine? What does this have to do with Catherine?""" text18379;"""I asked with surprise.""" text18380;"""Thinking about it, the two of us hadn't even talked in a long while.""" text18381;"""Although Michael had his own reasons to ask — I remembered that conversation in the park I'd overheard last week.""" text18382;"""The murders and so on had made me completely forget about that episode.""" text18383;"""I mean, I understand… You like her.""" text18384;"""…""" text18385;"""Michael didn't respond, clearly expecting me to continue.""" text18386;"""You know, I don't think this is the best time to talk about it.""" text18387;"""Well, you found the time for a ball.""" text18388;"""That's different!""" text18389;"""Is it? How?""" text18390;"""I clicked my tongue with irritation and turned away.""" text18391;"""If I didn't tell him the truth, he'd obviously think I was going to the ball for Ellie's sake.""" text18392;"""But maybe that was the case?""" text18393;"""Here's a store where you can buy a tuxedo.""" text18394;"""Oh, nice!""" text18395;"""I was excited for the opportunity not to continue this unpleasant conversation.""" text18396;"""…""" text18397;"""Well, how do I look?""" text18398;"""We were standing in front of a mirror in a luxurious men's clothing store.""" text18399;"""It was pricey, sure, but I had no other choice if I wanted to look decent.""" text18400;"""Nick, are you sure you can afford it?""" text18401;"""The shop assistant immediately inquired if we wanted to order a custom suit, but Michael politely declined.""" text18402;"""I am!""" text18403;"""I waved him away — in for a penny, in for a pound!""" text18404;"""Do you really want to impress her so badly?""" text18405;"""Who? Ellie?""" text18406;"""If I thought about it, she'd probably seen plenty of tuxedos — ones costing thirty thousand yen as well three hundred.""" text18407;"""No, I don't think so. I just want to fit in with the crowd.""" text18408;"""Random people don't get invited to Kobayashi's balls.""" text18409;"""I couldn't hear a single note of goading in his voice, but it still made me tense up.""" text18410;"""I'm playing in her band now. You know she has a band, right?""" text18411;"""Michael nodded.""" text18412;"""So, there.""" text18413;"""Did she invite the other members too?""" text18414;"""They didn't want to come…""" text18415;"""I replied uncertainly, futilely trying to do a button.""" text18416;"""I see.""" text18417;"""How do these events usually go anyway?""" text18418;"""I changed the subject.""" text18419;"""Are you asking me?""" text18420;"""Yeah, who else?""" text18421;"""I don't think I've ever been to events of that level, but I think people mostly gather there to discuss business and politics in an informal environment.""" text18422;"""Get some useful new contacts, drink a bit, and dance.""" text18423;"""Sure doesn't sound like a rock concert.""" text18424;"""Nick, if you don't mind, I'd suggest you be careful with alcohol there. They'll most likely serve champagne, and you know how easy it is to have too much of that without even noticing.""" text18425;"""Who do you take me for?""" text18426;"""I pushed his shoulder lightly.""" text18427;"""In any case, I'm sure the guests will be preoccupied with themselves and each other, so you shouldn't be too scared of someone paying too much attention to you.""" text18428;"""I get that…""" text18429;"""Finally, I chose one of the cheapest suits, found a white shirt to go with it, and bought them both.""" text18430;"""Damn, thank you friend!""" text18431;"""No need.""" text18432;"""Turned out a bit expensive, didn't it?""" text18433;"""Beauty requires sacrifice, as they say!""" text18434;"""We bid a warm farewell to each other.""" text18435;"""On the way back, I also bought a pair of cheap shoes made of faux leather in a family store.""" text18436;"""And there I was, walking dashingly down the street, while Kagome was probably in some dank prison dungeon…""" text18437;"""Well, why a dungeon?""" text18438;"""What if she was put in a big cell with dozens of people? Although that definitely wasn't any better.""" text18439;"""My conscience was still nagging at me.""" text18440;"""God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference""" text18441;"""Actually, wisdom was something I was seriously lacking at the moment.""" text18442;"""As a person fond of everything new, I was usually happy about buying stuff, but for some reason the suit in its cover slung over my shoulder and the bags with the shirt and the shoes felt unwieldy.""" text18443;"""Once I came home, I threw them onto the kitchen table with great pleasure and washed my hands.""" text18444;"""The fridge was empty, but not quite empty enough to go for groceries.""" text18445;"""It happens sometimes: you find some bread, a piece of cheese, and a couple of eggs, and that's enough to survive the night.""" text18446;"""Only to hate yourself the next morning when instead of having breakfast you have to get dressed and go to a convenience store.""" text18447;"""I was just about to start cooking when the front door opened.""" text18448;"""Niko-kun, it's me.""" text18449;"""Himitsu's voice came.""" text18450;"""I froze in an unnatural pose and kept standing like that until she walked into the kitchen.""" text18451;"""Hi…""" text18452;"""Himitsu looked pretty gloomy.""" text18453;"""Are you cooking? What's with you?""" text18454;"""I'm hungry. When people are hungry, they sometimes cook for themselves, right?""" text18455;"""My relationship with Himitsu had broken apart.""" text18456;"""In Japan, there is an art of repairing ceramic dishes by using gold to seal the cracks — kintsugi.""" text18457;"""Was there a way to repair a broken friendship the same way?""" text18458;"""I don't know Niko-kun, I don't know…""" text18459;"""She looked around the kitchen as if seeing it for the first time, holding her gaze on the tuxedo lying on the table.""" text18460;"""Decided to update your wardrobe?""" text18461;"""She stepped closer and looked carefully.""" text18462;"""What do you need that for?""" text18463;"""Well, see, I got invited to a ball…""" text18464;"""I started enthusiastically, but immediately stopped myself — did she have to know that?""" text18465;"""You? To a ball?""" text18466;"""Himitsu laughed, then frowned as soon as she realized I wasn't joking.""" text18467;"""Kobayashi-senpai?""" text18468;"""Yes…""" text18469;"""I grinned idiotically and scratched my nape.""" text18470;"""Niko-kun, what kind of relationship do you two have?""" text18471;"""She stared at me firmly.""" text18472;"""There's nothing between us, don't get the wrong idea!""" text18473;"""Why was I giving her excuses?""" text18474;"""Suddenly, I got angry with myself for my cowardice.""" text18475;"""Sure, Ellie and I weren't in a relationship — but that could change.""" text18476;"""And what, was I going to miss that chance because I felt awkward about Himitsu?""" text18477;"""At least, for now…""" text18478;"""Aren't you aiming high, Niko-kun!""" text18479;"""She flung her arms up and sat down, angrily glaring at the tuxedo.""" text18480;"""Does it surprise you?""" text18481;"""I didn't want another fight with her but couldn't tolerate her derogatory tone either.""" text18482;"""I'm surprised by your behavior. First you keep secrets with that senpai, Iwamura.""" text18483;"""Then you get your window broken, and now Kobayashi Ellie is in the picture.""" text18484;"""If I didn't know you better, I'd think you were lying.""" text18485;"""So you don't think so now?""" text18486;"""I think there's something strange going on, but you're at least telling the truth. Or you believe you are.""" text18487;"""What's that supposed to mean?""" text18488;"""Himitsu raised her eyebrows dolefully, but immediately stopped herself.""" text18489;"""That someone might be just using you.""" text18490;"""Who? Ellie? For what?""" text18491;"""I laughed.""" text18492;"""We're just playing in the same band now, that's it.""" text18493;"""Oh, is that so?""" text18494;"""Yes, that is so. I bet you didn't expect I'd be capable of something like that!""" text18495;"""I straightened up and puffed out my chest.""" text18496;"""I'm happy if that's true.""" text18497;"""God, why would I lie?!""" text18498;"""Why did you lie about everything else?""" text18499;"""When did I?""" text18500;"""I locked my hands behind my back and started walking back and forth through the kitchen like a general on the eve of the final battle.""" text18501;"""If you don't remember…""" text18502;"""Sunshine, enough!""" text18503;"""I pleaded.""" text18504;"""If you have something to say, please do! Spare me all this \""it's pointless to explain something to someone who doesn't understand\"" stuff!""" text18505;"""If you don't tell me, I'll never understand what I've done wrong… from your point of view.""" text18506;"""It's pointless to explain something to a person who doesn't understand a thing.""" text18507;"""Himitsu repeated — either as a joke or seriously.""" text18508;"""Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!""" text18509;"""You know, Niko-kun, at first I thought it was about Katty-chan… But I don't even know now.""" text18510;"""Maybe you joined a cult?""" text18511;"""She smirked sadly and ran her hand over the tuxedo's cover.""" text18512;"""She clearly couldn't get it out of her mind.""" text18513;"""Yes, the cult of rock'n'roll! Yee haw!""" text18514;"""I shouted, jumped to the middle of the room and played several chords on an imaginary guitar.""" text18515;"""Or not.""" text18516;"""Himitsu laughed.""" text18517;"""Genuinely, as it sounded to me.""" text18518;"""Anyway, I was invited to a ball tomorrow. Ellie asked the rest of the band too, but nobody wanted to come.""" text18519;"""And naturally, you didn't refuse! I wonder, how much did you pay for… this?""" text18520;"""Who are you, my accountant?""" text18521;"""I snapped at her.""" text18522;"""When you nag at yourself for something you did or thought, it only takes someone else to point it out to activate your defensive instincts.""" text18523;"""Like, yeah, I did a bad thing, but it has nothing to do with you!""" text18524;"""And, without letting Himitsu answer:""" text18525;"""You know, I was making dinner here. Something simple — making do with what we have, as they say!""" text18526;"""On the pennies left after buying that luxurious tuxedo.""" text18527;"""But us cultists aren't picky — we eat whatever our leader says!""" text18528;"""Niko-kun.""" text18529;"""She smiled, wordlessly letting me know that it was a bit much.""" text18530;"""Weirdly enough, Himitsu looked and acted much calmer today than the last couple of weeks.""" text18531;"""What'd changed?""" text18532;"""What? I just don't know what else to say! You're constantly accusing me of something — and I'm looking for excuses, even though I haven't done anything wrong.""" text18533;"""I'm not accusing you of anything.""" text18534;"""Even these words sound like an accusation!""" text18535;"""Maybe you're just feeling guilty so you see accusers everywhere?""" text18536;"""Of course, there was some truth to her words.""" text18537;"""But I was tired of playing the role of a little kid caught by his mother with a cigarette in his hands.""" text18538;"""I don't want to continue this conversation.""" text18539;"""Fine, Niko-kun, I get it.""" text18540;"""She said dispassionately.""" text18541;"""Get what?""" text18542;"""Everything.""" text18543;"""Himitsu stood up, looked at the tuxedo again — this time somewhat indifferently and wearily, as if it were a pile of garbage in the garden that she couldn't find the time to throw away.""" text18544;"""Good luck with your ball.""" text18545;"""I decided not to answer, even despite the sense of incompleteness hanging in the air.""" text18546;"""As usual, I wanted to prove that I was right no matter the consequences.""" text18547;"""…""" text18548;"""The ill-fated tuxedo remained on the table.""" text18549;"""The conversation with Himitsu made me lose my appetite, but I still ate dinner and then sat in front of the TV, pointlessly switching channels.""" text18550;"""The changing pictures on the screen soon stopped distracting me from my dark thoughts.""" text18551;"""But at least I had that, while Kagome was enjoying the company of four walls…""" text18552;"""Damn it! As if it were my fault! As if I'd put her there myself!""" text18553;"""I tried to imagine tomorrow's ball, Ellie and me dancing, the admiring crowd around us.""" text18554;"""In these dreams we waltzed, even though the most I could do in real life was shake my head at a concert.""" text18555;"""Well, that's what dreams are for, to be anyone you want.""" text18556;"""I caught that pleasant flow of thoughts, where images are born of themselves in your head, replace each other and float at ease before your mind's eye, like the landscape outside the window of a ship. I went to bed to stay in that wonderful mental state for longer as I was falling asleep."""