text2489;"""I woke up early, with a headache, the dry horrors, and a terrible feeling of the meaninglessness of existence.""" text2490;"""Good thing I always had aspirin in my medical kit (then again, that was the only thing in there in the first place).""" text2491;"""After washing the pill down with a couple glasses of cold water, I figured that yesterday didn't really end too badly. At least today I hadn't slept in all the way to lunch time.""" text2492;"""The memories started to return slowly.""" text2493;"""Viscous and heavy, they surfaced in my mind, bringing with them a tugging unease.""" text2494;"""I suddenly felt uncomfortable alone in this giant, empty house.""" text2495;"""I definitely needed to go to school! At this rate, I might really get myself expelled!""" text2496;"""It wasn't about my attendance, of course — I just desperately wanted to be among other people.""" text2497;"""I stepped out onto the street, the chilly wind immediately chasing away the last remnants of my hangover.""" text2498;"""It was still too early even for Himitsu. Oh well, we'd talked yesterday.""" text2499;"""Although the \""early\"" part seemed to only apply to me — life in Tokyo was already in full swing: the office workers were on their way to work, clad in identical snow-white shirts, grocery stores and all kinds of shops were opening up, cheerful old women were striking up conversations with each other.""" text2500;"""I was walking down the street, enjoying life.""" text2501;"""I'd never noticed before that small things like these made the world a much more attractive place than I thought it was.""" text2502;"""Could anything really go wrong?""" text2503;"""Fearing for my own safety, even my own life, made me realize I wasn't ready to change anything yet.""" text2504;"""Just up and return to the USSR? No, that was absurd, it was the rambling of a drunken teenager!""" text2505;"""But what was I supposed to do then? Fight \""here and now\""?""" text2506;"""Or just go with the flow? After all, there was no way a life as wonderful as this could be senselessly cruel at the same time, was there?""" text2507;"""The world turned its friendly smiling face to me, and my stomach responded with as friendly a rumble.""" text2508;"""And to think that when the morning had started even the thought of food had made me want to puke.""" text2509;"""I entered a small restaurant and happily ate a bowl of ramen.""" text2510;"""All my worries faded into the background, and hope glimmered in the distance.""" text2511;"""I was just getting all worked up about nothing — there was nothing scary really going on!""" text2512;"""For a year and a half I'd been living as if in anabiosis, so now every little thing seemed like a problem of galactic proportions.""" text2513;"""If something really did happen to me — for example, if I received a visit from the police — I'd end up having a heart attack!""" text2514;"""I just needed to calm down, wait it out, and all my problems would resolve themselves.""" text2515;"""And if not, I'd deal with them as they came!""" text2516;"""Once I got to school I was swept up in the crowd of students. I'd spent a good half an hour in the ramen shop, and it wasn't as early in the morning by then.""" text2517;"""Japanese, Americans, French, Russians…""" text2518;"""Sometimes it seemed to me that my school was a little too international.""" text2519;"""It was a good thing, though — I didn't feel as alien among them as, for instance, sitting at a narrow counter on a low chair in a typical Japanese snack bar.""" text2520;"""Several guys shook my hand on the run, some girl even flashed me a smile.""" text2521;"""I recalled being in the same class as the girl last year but wouldn't be able to remember her name even if my life depended on it.""" text2522;"""I was close to saying I was happy, but…""" text2523;"""At the lockers, I ran into Catherine.""" text2524;"""Hi.""" text2525;"""You're early today.""" text2526;"""She gave an unexpectedly polite response.""" text2527;"""Yeah, I skipped yesterday. Can't keep ditching school forever.""" text2528;"""Decided to get yourself together, really?""" text2529;"""Catherine looked at me wide-eyed, then frowned.""" text2530;"""Oh, I see.""" text2531;"""She had that smile on her lips again.""" text2532;"""I ignored it and said simply:""" text2533;"""Yeah, you know, so much has happened lately…""" text2534;"""I may have been feeling fine but I couldn't hide my swollen face. Especially not from Catherine.""" text2535;"""Well, so I… Oh enough already, what are you staring at me for? You know it all!""" text2536;"""Emotions changed quickly on Catherine's face — the surprise gave way to indifference. She lost interest.""" text2537;"""That's not what I… Or maybe that too.""" text2538;"""I don't want to fight anymore, I just think you have to understand my reaction, put yourself in my shoes or something…""" text2539;"""What are you even talking about?""" text2540;"""Catherine asked nonchalantly""" text2541;"""About everything! Don't pretend you don't understand.""" text2542;"""Don't understand what?""" text2543;"""I didn't even know how to talk to her anymore.""" text2544;"""Alright, you want me to understand you? I do now.""" text2545;"""Oh, here we go again!""" text2546;"""Is that your way of mocking me?""" text2547;"""Why would I be mocking you?""" text2548;"""Well that's what I should be asking you! First you come back for no reason, then you transfer into my class and pretend like that's how it should be! Show at least a morsel of respect!""" text2549;"""What should I respect you for?""" text2550;"""I couldn't hear Catherine, I had already forgotten to even think about yesterday's events, and what I'd been thinking about this morning.""" text2551;"""Or just don't talk to me anymore! I'm tired of degrading myself for you, struggling to get you to at least treat me like I'm human!""" text2552;"""I…""" text2553;"""It looked like she wasn't ready for this kind of reaction.""" text2554;"""So make your choice!""" text2555;"""I turned around and ran up the stairs to the second floor.""" text2556;"""Oh, hey Nick! Where've you been?""" text2557;"""Kyosuke was as carefree as always.""" text2558;"""Drinking.""" text2559;"""I snarled.""" text2560;"""Gotcha, you're not in the mood. Talk to you later then.""" text2561;"""He responded sadly.""" text2562;"""Catherine entered the class almost immediately after me.""" text2563;"""There were still several minutes left until the bell, and they dragged on tormentingly slowly.""" text2564;"""\""It'll be easier during the lesson, it'll be easier,\"" I kept telling myself.""" text2565;"""Meanwhile, Catherine wasn't paying any attention to me at all.""" text2566;"""No, this was crossing the line now!""" text2567;"""It had stopped being mockery and turned into outright cruelty!""" text2568;"""Had she crashed head-first riding a bike in those United States of hers? Right into the Grand Canyon…""" text2569;"""The bell finally rang.""" text2570;"""During the lesson I could only think about Catherine, a burning — to the point of shuddering — desire to turn around and look at her swelling in my chest.""" text2571;"""I couldn't manage to distract myself with anything — yesterday's conversation with Ichinose and the mysterious threat hanging over my head seemed to have suddenly lost all meaning.""" text2572;"""A single thought was pulsating in my head — that I needed to sort out my relationship with her once and for all!""" text2573;"""I could figure out if I still loved her or not later, and now I needed to… to… Needed to what?""" text2574;"""Ah goddammit, I can't do this anymore!""" text2575;"""With a loud thud, I hit the desk with my forehead.""" text2576;"""Anokhin-kun, are you alright?""" text2577;"""I heard muffled laughter and whispers.""" text2578;"""Couldn't be better, sensei! Just checking if there's anything in my head.""" text2579;"""The teacher didn't even raise an eyebrow. He'd seen a lot working at this school.""" text2580;"""Maybe you should go to the doctor.""" text2581;"""No, no, I'm telling you, I'm fine!""" text2582;"""Well, do what you want, just don't interfere with the lesson!""" text2583;"""After that circus performance, I felt a bit better.""" text2584;"""Surprisingly the planet kept spinning, paying no attention to my problems.""" text2585;"""The bell for break rang.""" text2586;"""I was approached by Michael.""" text2587;"""It seemed like he wasn't going to start a conversation, but for some reason, he looked me over intently.""" text2588;"""What is it?""" text2589;"""I finally asked.""" text2590;"""You're not yourself today. Is it because of yesterday?""" text2591;"""Yesterday?""" text2592;"""How did he know?!""" text2593;"""I mean the conversation in the cafe.""" text2594;"""Ooh… Yeah, right, the cafe… No, it's not about that. Everything's fine. Or will be, even if it isn't now.""" text2595;"""Without even turning her head, Catherine walked past us.""" text2596;"""I stared after her and must have made quite a face.""" text2597;"""I see.""" text2598;"""Michael said dispassionately.""" text2599;"""What do you \""see\""?""" text2600;"""I was getting worked up again.""" text2601;"""Are all of you Americans like this?""" text2602;"""Like what?""" text2603;"""Like this! Completely disregarding of other people! Poking your noses in others' business! Insensitive, cold, and cruel!""" text2604;"""I think you're talking about someone specific right now.""" text2605;"""The gritting of my teeth must've been audible to the whole class.""" text2606;"""You know what, Misha? Fuck you! Got it? Fuck you to hell! Last thing I need are your questions and observations! Don't meddle in other people's lives, mind your own!""" text2607;"""I stood up, looked him up and down, but Michael didn't look away.""" text2608;"""Then I pushed him away with my shoulder and left the room.""" text2609;"""Good God, what the hell was I doing…""" text2610;"""Just lashing out at one of the few people who still at least talked to me.""" text2611;"""Maybe he wanted to help. After all, Michael's no Kyosuke.""" text2612;"""The latter would immediately start to run around, dolefully wringing his hands, and what good would that make?""" text2613;"""Sometimes it really is better to look at a situation with a cool head.""" text2614;"""I definitely had to apologize to him. But later…""" text2615;"""I just wanted to switch gears and get away from the classroom. To be alone, or at least with someone who wouldn't pry into my soul. With Himitsu, for example…""" text2616;"""Yeah, right, as if she wouldn't! Although, if she were to see my present condition, Himitsu would probably understand.""" text2617;"""So…""" text2618;"""Go to the roof""" text2619;"""Go to Himitsu""" text2620;"""No, in the end it was stupid to think I'd be able to distract myself by making small talk with her when the desire to kill someone was written all over my face…""" text2621;"""But I ended up not being alone on the roof either — Kagome was sitting on a bench.""" text2622;"""What a coincidence! Was this her office or what?""" text2623;"""What a coincidence!""" text2624;"""I see…""" text2625;"""I snorted and decided to look for a more secluded place.""" text2626;"""Leaving so soon?""" text2627;"""She called out to me.""" text2628;"""I must be intruding. And I wanted to be alone.""" text2629;"""You aren't. Although, you can do what you want.""" text2630;"""Alright but watch out, you might regret this later.""" text2631;"""Stupidity isn't contagious.""" text2632;"""I shrugged, approached, and sat down beside her.""" text2633;"""Decided to hit your head against something in silence?""" text2634;"""And I immediately wanted to tell her to fuck off as well.""" text2635;"""No, I was waiting for your rating! Will you be using a ten point scale? Or a six point one, like in figure skating?""" text2636;"""You like figure skating?""" text2637;"""No, damn it! I just know! General knowledge, you ever hear of it?""" text2638;"""And then it dawned on me.""" text2639;"""I realized that she didn't care a bit about me, and that even made me glad.""" text2640;"""With everyone else, I had some kind of an emotional connection. Stronger with some, weaker with others: Himitsu, Catherine, Kyosuke, Michael, even Ichinose!""" text2641;"""And this girl was sitting next to me, not giving a damn.""" text2642;"""Which meant she didn't need anything from me, she wouldn't poke her nose into my business or ask me stupid questions and go on lectures based on her own experience and mistakes alone.""" text2643;"""Although Kagome was still acting braver than a couple days ago.""" text2644;"""So what happened?""" text2645;"""You mean…?""" text2646;"""You're weird, sure, but you've never hit your head against a desk before.""" text2647;"""Didn't I say? I wanted to check if there's a brain in there.""" text2648;"""And what's the verdict?""" text2649;"""Regrettably negative.""" text2650;"""That was to be expected.""" text2651;"""She smiled. Somehow automatically, I did too.""" text2652;"""But Kagome immediately grew serious again.""" text2653;"""Seriously though, it's about this Catherine Winters, isn't it?""" text2654;"""Why do you think that?""" text2655;"""I'd have to be blind not to notice.""" text2656;"""Even if it is, what about it? It's not the most pleasant topic of conversation for me right now.""" text2657;"""Makes sense.""" text2658;"""She smirked.""" text2659;"""You know what!""" text2660;"""I abruptly stood up and got ready to leave.""" text2661;"""Alright, sorry.""" text2662;"""Kagome said placatingly.""" text2663;"""I'm just… I'm not very good at getting along with people either.""" text2664;"""Now this was unexpectedly frank! But why \""either\""…?""" text2665;"""Of course you wouldn't, acting like that.""" text2666;"""How exactly am I acting?""" text2667;"""She frowned and turned to me.""" text2668;"""Like that. You know what I mean.""" text2669;"""No, go on.""" text2670;"""God, I can't even go to school normally anymore…""" text2671;"""Why do you even go here in the first place? It's clearly not to study.""" text2672;"""And what about you? Enjoy being a punching bag that much?""" text2673;"""Bullseye — that hurt.""" text2674;"""Kagome bit her lip.""" text2675;"""No wonder she ditched you!""" text2676;"""I shouldn't have told her that.""" text2677;"""How did she even find out…?""" text2678;"""With you, the only options are hanging, drowning, or drinking poison!""" text2679;"""Or you could jump.""" text2680;"""I gestured toward the edge of the roof.""" text2681;"""You first, Anokhin-san!""" text2682;"""No, please be my guest, Kagome-san!""" text2683;"""This began to resemble a game where the winner was determined by whose patience would run out last.""" text2684;"""And I had no intention of losing — this roof was too small for the two of us.""" text2685;"""Oh, so we're that close already?""" text2686;"""We could be even closer — I don't mind.""" text2687;"""When the meaning of my words got through to Kagome, she blushed, jumped up, and quickly headed for the exit, leaving with one last word:""" text2688;"""Asshole!""" text2689;"""Wonderful, I won!""" text2690;"""And my only applause was the quiet howl of the wind, with the rare, already yellow leaves in place of a laurel wreath.""" text2691;"""I'd defeated all my enemies and was left completely alone.""" text2692;"""Makes sense…""" text2693;"""Who if not her? Who else could I rely on?""" text2694;"""I hesitated a while in front of the door.""" text2695;"""Of course, everyone in there knew me…""" text2696;"""But that's probably the reason why they also drew completely incorrect conclusions.""" text2697;"""Himitsu was sitting in her place, reading a magazine of some kind.""" text2698;"""Hi.""" text2699;"""Niko-kun!""" text2700;"""Sorry about yesterday, I…""" text2701;"""It's okay. You're alright, aren't you?""" text2702;"""Seem to be still kicking.""" text2703;"""I demonstratively felt myself all over.""" text2704;"""Himitsu gave me a questioning look.""" text2705;"""I dropped by because… You know, it's boring in our class! Kyosuke still tells his stories about manga and anime. Nothing interesting besides that…""" text2706;"""I'm glad you're here.""" text2707;"""And how are you doing?""" text2708;"""There was absolutely nothing to talk about.""" text2709;"""Seen Catherine already?""" text2710;"""But that didn't mean I should've chosen the worst possible topic!""" text2711;"""But Himitsu replied calmly:""" text2712;"""Just briefly, in a hallway.""" text2713;"""Ah, I see… And how is she?""" text2714;"""Don't you know?""" text2715;"""Me? How would I know if she doesn't talk to me?! I mean, she does, but not about that!""" text2716;"""Himitsu's expression grew sad.""" text2717;"""I can't make sense of her! It's like she's conducting some goddamn psychological experiment on me! She wants to be the next Jung or something!""" text2718;"""I guess I was speaking much louder than would be appropriate.""" text2719;"""It distracted Himitsu's classmates, and they grew silent, staring at me.""" text2720;"""But by that point I was too fired up and didn't realize how stupid I looked.""" text2721;"""What are you looking at? We have performances like this every day in my class! What, do I not look like a clown to you? Do I?!""" text2722;"""Some guy, one on the sturdier side, took a couple steps toward me and tried to reach out his hand:""" text2723;"""Senpai…""" text2724;"""Don't touch me.""" text2725;"""I said quietly, casting a cold look at him.""" text2726;"""Niko-kun…""" text2727;"""Himitsu uttered, pain audible in her voice.""" text2728;"""What?!""" text2729;"""I shouted.""" text2730;"""And at that moment I felt inexpressibly disgusted, revolted by my behavior.""" text2731;"""Ashamed in front of these students, Himitsu, Michael, and myself.""" text2732;"""What have I turned into?""" text2733;"""Was it about the note, the calls, the threats? No, it was about me!""" text2734;"""I quickly left the class, eyes cast down.""" text2735;"""My feet carried me away all on their own.""" text2736;"""I only stopped after I reached the school's old wing.""" text2737;"""But you can't run from yourself!""" text2738;"""Of course, most of all I wanted to run home, close the doors, unplug the phone, crawl under a blanket, and lay there for a week or so.""" text2739;"""Until the shame was gone, until everyone had forgotten what I'd done.""" text2740;"""But that's not how it worked…""" text2741;"""The planet really did keep spinning no matter what I thought of it.""" text2742;"""And another weird thing: it didn't revolve around me.""" text2743;"""Michael might've resented me, some of Himitsu's classmates clearly thought I was an idiot, but all that would be forgotten by tomorrow.""" text2744;"""And I'd keep working myself up, convinced that absolutely everyone in the whole world was only occupied with thoughts about me.""" text2745;"""I would be hiding, remembering the stupid things I did, burning with shame over and over again.""" text2746;"""No, enough!""" text2747;"""I resolutely headed back to class.""" text2748;"""I'll start by apologizing to Michael!""" text2749;"""I was passing Himitsu's class when I heard a familiar voice coming from inside.""" text2750;"""It was Catherine. What was she doing there?""" text2751;"""The escapade I pulled a couple minutes ago was immediately forgotten. Now I was only interested in their conversation.""" text2752;"""I hid behind the door and listened carefully.""" text2753;"""Thank God for the thin walls of Japanese schools!""" text2754;"""It was also quite fortunate that Catherine occupied the desk closest to the door.""" text2755;"""Even if it wasn't her class. That's the Catherine I knew!""" text2756;"""The students walking through the hallway gave me weird looks. I didn't mind — they couldn't make things any worse!""" text2757;"""…not what you think.""" text2758;"""I caught the end of a sentence.""" text2759;"""No, I'm just glad you're back.""" text2760;"""Are you now?""" text2761;"""Well, if you want to search for hidden meanings in my every word, I'll leave you to it.""" text2762;"""It didn't really sound like a conversation between old friends…""" text2763;"""I might have expected that. No, actually, should have expected that!""" text2764;"""Don't pretend nothing happened!""" text2765;"""But nothing did happen! And hasn't been happening for the past year and a half! And even if we were pretending, we were good at it!""" text2766;"""Himitsu wasn't talking very loudly but suddenly went silent, gasping for air, as if after a desperate scream.""" text2767;"""Why now of all times…?""" text2768;"""If it was up to me, I would never have returned here!""" text2769;"""How convenient for you: you leave when you're most needed, and it's not your fault. You come back when you're not needed at all, and it's not your fault! And how do I… how are we to live now, tell me?""" text2770;"""I'd never expected a reaction like this from Himitsu.""" text2771;"""Well, sure, I'd known for a while that she was no longer the eight year old girl I had met when I still didn't know a single word of Japanese.""" text2772;"""In many ways she was more mature than me!""" text2773;"""But to see someone close to you like that… I guess I just wasn't ready.""" text2774;"""And what should I do, tell me? Why in the world should I adjust myself to you, to him, to the two of you? For you, life is so simple!""" text2775;"""Well it sure is complicated for you! You couldn't even come and say hi, explain the situation properly! All because of your pride!""" text2776;"""Pride, you say?""" text2777;"""Catherine smirked scornfully.""" text2778;"""More like self respect! You could use some yourself, acting like a…""" text2779;"""Like what? Come on, tell me, how am I acting? The way you couldn't?""" text2780;"""It was weird that none of Himitsu's classmates was paying attention to the two of them. This certainly didn't seem like a friendly conversation!""" text2781;"""If only… If only he knew the whole truth!""" text2782;"""Then tell him!""" text2783;"""I can't.""" text2784;"""Catherine said quietly. So quietly I almost couldn't hear her.""" text2785;"""Oh, so that's how it is? Then what do you intend to do next? You can't just ignore his feelings, can you?""" text2786;"""And what about my feelings?! Has anyone thought about them?""" text2787;"""Her feelings…? What?!""" text2788;"""But Catherine immediately continued:""" text2789;"""I can't stand being near him!""" text2790;"""Then don't be! Free us from your presence, it'll be easier for everyone!""" text2791;"""Don't worry, I will, there's less than a year of school left.""" text2792;"""Yes, but for this entire year…""" text2793;"""It won't break you, I'm sure!""" text2794;"""You're just…""" text2795;"""Oh, senpai!""" text2796;"""One of Himitsu's classmates called out to me.""" text2797;"""I immediately broke into a run.""" text2798;"""Hope the girls didn't notice me!""" text2799;"""I ran back to my class, almost knocking down two students who were too slow to dodge me.""" text2800;"""I jumped behind my desk and tried to quickly catch my breath.""" text2801;"""By then I had completely forgotten about Michael.""" text2802;"""But what the ever-living hell was that?!""" text2803;"""I could understand Himitsu worrying about me, about how Catherine's return might've affected me.""" text2804;"""But her tone, that wording?""" text2805;"""And what about Catherine herself?""" text2806;"""\""I can't stand being near him\""?! \""If only he knew the entire truth\""?!""" text2807;"""Whatever happened between us, I didn't think anything I'd done or said deserved being treated like this!""" text2808;"""You alright Nick?""" text2809;"""Yeseverything'sfine!""" text2810;"""I blurted out.""" text2811;"""Kyosuke gave me a somehow sympathetic look and expressly glanced toward Michael who was peacefully reading a book, paying no attention to his surroundings.""" text2812;"""Ah, yeah… You know, a lot's happened…""" text2813;"""I really wanted him to understand!""" text2814;"""Yeah, but still…""" text2815;"""And Kyosuke was right.""" text2816;"""I very slowly stood up and approached Michael.""" text2817;"""So, uh…""" text2818;"""Nothing worthwhile would come to my head.""" text2819;"""Sorry I acted like that. It's just that, things have been complicated recently.""" text2820;"""He closed the book and looked at me coldly.""" text2821;"""I understand. It's alright.""" text2822;"""No, I really didn't mean any harm, I just snapped.""" text2823;"""I'm telling you, I understand.""" text2824;"""Yeah, that was just like Michael… One thing in words and another in thoughts.""" text2825;"""Whatever, I certainly wasn't in any mood to try and prove anything to him.""" text2826;"""The bell rang.""" text2827;"""…""" text2828;"""The lesson had been going for five minutes already, but Catherine was yet to return to the classroom.""" text2829;"""And to top it off, her things had disappeared too!""" text2830;"""I couldn't tell for sure if they were there when I returned, I just hadn't paid attention""" text2831;"""…""" text2832;"""Finally, the school day came to an end.""" text2833;"""I felt a pressing need to talk to Himitsu, even though I didn't really know what I would say.""" text2834;"""And what could I say?""" text2835;"""With everything that had happened today, I completely forgot about yesterday's conversation with Ichinose.""" text2836;"""And he gave me a lead, too!""" text2837;"""Himitsu, Catherine… But what about the note, the call?""" text2838;"""I had to find out what this was all about, right?""" text2839;"""This decision seemed like it could seriously change my life from here on.""" text2840;"""To go to Himitsu, or try to solve the mysteries of my father's past?""" text2841;"""Go to Himitsu""" text2842;"""Look for answers""" text2843;"""Wasn't I too frequent a visitor in her class today?""" text2844;"""The guys were grinning at me as they left the class, the girls casting meaningful looks.""" text2845;"""Yeah, yeah, can't even visit my childhood friend without gossip starting up.""" text2846;"""But then Himitsu herself appeared.""" text2847;"""Noticing me, she grew flustered for a moment — probably because of the fit I'd thrown earlier.""" text2848;"""But the usual smile almost immediately lit up her face.""" text2849;"""Niko-kun!""" text2850;"""Heya. Let's go home together?""" text2851;"""Sure!""" text2852;"""…""" text2853;"""Himitsu was merrily striding along the sidewalk, enjoying the warm autumn day.""" text2854;"""Meanwhile, I was gathering my thoughts, trying to decide on how to begin this difficult conversation.""" text2855;"""Have you talked to Katya already?""" text2856;"""You can't postpone death just by taking a deep breath.""" text2857;"""You've asked already.""" text2858;"""Why are you asking?""" text2859;"""We've just seen each other briefly in a hallway.""" text2860;"""She flashed a cute smile and turned to me, and it seemed like her hair was ablaze with the bright rays of the sun.""" text2861;"""I grew embarrassed and looked away.""" text2862;"""I want to say, I don't want you to think I was eavesdropping on purpose… It just turned out this way… Anyway! I heard you talking today.""" text2863;"""What do you mean \""talking\""?""" text2864;"""Her expression didn't change.""" text2865;"""Could it really be that she didn't understand?""" text2866;"""With Catherine. I heard you argue…""" text2867;"""I wanted to add \""about me\"" but stopped short.""" text2868;"""Aah, you mean that… We weren't arguing at all, just haven't seen each other for a while. I'm so glad Katty-chan has returned!""" text2869;"""What…?""" text2870;"""I even stopped in my tracks and stared dumbly at Himitsu.""" text2871;"""But I heard with my own ears…""" text2872;"""So you're telling me that wasn't an argument? A fight?""" text2873;"""Of course not, you just imagined it.""" text2874;"""Or was she so sure no one was eavesdropping on them?""" text2875;"""After all, it's impossible to lie so blatantly, looking the other person in the eyes! At least Himitsu certainly couldn't.""" text2876;"""Well… Alright.""" text2877;"""I had to agree — I couldn't accuse her of lying, could I?!""" text2878;"""Then what were you talking about?""" text2879;"""Nothing in particular, really. You know, girl talk.""" text2880;"""That's nice, I didn't think you had anything in common.""" text2881;"""Anger flashed across Himitsu's face, and she didn't even try to hide it.""" text2882;"""Why not? We hadn't seen each other for a long time, what if I missed her too?""" text2883;"""I mean, we were friends!""" text2884;"""She clarified, realizing she got carried away.""" text2885;"""Well, at least one of is us happy about her return.""" text2886;"""I smiled as genuinely as I could. Himitsu blushed and immediately changed the topic:""" text2887;"""And how was your day?""" text2888;"""Normal, I guess. Dropped by this ramen shop in the morning… You know, the one at the railroad.""" text2889;"""Niko-kun…""" text2890;"""She pouted.""" text2891;"""What now?""" text2892;"""You're eating nasty things again.""" text2893;"""It's not nasty! Your words would make the owner cry so much he'd oversalt the ramen.""" text2894;"""Fine, but you can't eat it all the time!""" text2895;"""I don't! You could say I'm on a king's diet.""" text2896;"""Thanks to you, of course.""" text2897;"""Of course!""" text2898;"""She pinched my side.""" text2899;"""Hey, that hurt!""" text2900;"""I didn't even notice when the conversation changed to a normal course, and the two of us once again became almost like siblings.""" text2901;"""That's how it was supposed to be, right?""" text2902;"""Despite Catherine, no matter what?""" text2903;"""Alright, you had it coming!""" text2904;"""I grabbed Himitsu, threw her over my shoulder, and ran down the street past dumbfounded people.""" text2905;"""Niko-kun! Let me down! Aaaaah! What are you doing?!""" text2906;"""But I didn't give a damn about anything — the uptight Japanese, decency, the tiredness that I surprisingly wasn't feeling, Himitsu's fruitless attempts to break free.""" text2907;"""I felt alive!""" text2908;"""Niko-kun…""" text2909;"""She said quieter now as she stopped struggling.""" text2910;"""I stopped and let her down to the ground.""" text2911;"""Come on…""" text2912;"""Himitsu grabbed the lapels of my jacket and pressed herself to me.""" text2913;"""Now my head is spinning.""" text2914;"""Yeah, overdid it I guess… But it was fun, right?""" text2915;"""You wouldn't do this with Katty-chan…""" text2916;"""She said, her head still cast down.""" text2917;"""Of course, she's heavier!""" text2918;"""I tried to laugh it off with a stupid joke.""" text2919;"""Well, let's go home?""" text2920;"""My attempted joke ended in imminent failure.""" text2921;"""The remaining way to the house we only exchanged a couple meaningless phrases.""" text2922;"""Over the past few days we'd been drifting further and further away, and this moment of closeness ended up being just a memory.""" text2923;"""…""" text2924;"""Well, here we are.""" text2925;"""I guess I'll make dinner?""" text2926;"""Himitsu looked like she was asking a store manager, facing down the start of her shift.""" text2927;"""Nah, no need, I've got things to do today.""" text2928;"""Gotta go to the bank.""" text2929;"""I immediately lied to escape any unnecessary questions.""" text2930;"""Although it didn't look like Himitsu was interested.""" text2931;"""Alright, see you tomorrow then!""" text2932;"""She smiled almost genuinely.""" text2933;"""I didn't respond, only watched her to the doors of her house.""" text2934;"""What the actual hell?!""" text2935;"""…""" text2936;"""I was overwhelmed by my own thoughts.""" text2937;"""To get at least some kind of distraction, I was shooting pixel monsters on the TV screen and didn't even notice as evening came.""" text2938;"""I was starving, and all my thoughts were focused on food.""" text2939;"""I wish I could have another bowl of that ramen!""" text2940;"""Hot, freshly made, with delightfully tasty noodles, flavorful broth, pieces of meat, half an egg, herbs, and spices! Who could possibly resist that?""" text2941;"""I rushed to the hallway and had already put my boots on, when the silence that enveloped the house was broken by the telephone.""" text2942;"""I wasn't going to answer — it had to be Himitsu.""" text2943;"""Her upset face appeared before my eyes. No, at least today she was going to let me be alone.""" text2944;"""I reluctantly picked up.""" text2945;"""Hello.""" text2946;"""After a long silence, a familiar voice sounded on the other end.""" text2947;"""Nikolai? Ichinose speaking.""" text2948;"""Father's old friend sounded agitated.""" text2949;"""I immediately remembered yesterday's conversation.""" text2950;"""Nikolai, I'm calling about our conversation yesterday.""" text2951;"""I'm listening.""" text2952;"""I'm calling to say you shouldn't look for Akira.""" text2953;"""Shouldn't? Why?""" text2954;"""You didn't…""" text2955;"""He stopped short.""" text2956;"""No, to be honest, I didn't really have the time.""" text2957;"""Good then. I've got news that he… died.""" text2958;"""Died…?""" text2959;"""Happy children's voices came in from the street. The last rays of the autumn sun were pleasantly warm. And I was sweating bullets of cold sweat.""" text2960;"""Ichinose-san, this isn't related to my father, is it? To his work?""" text2961;"""No, no, not at all!""" text2962;"""His voice was calming.""" text2963;"""They say it was a heart attack. He wasn't a young man.""" text2964;"""After a short silence, he added:""" text2965;"""We all face it one day.""" text2966;"""I'm very sorry.""" text2967;"""Forget it, you didn't know him.""" text2968;"""But still, if he was your friend, father's friend…""" text2969;"""Well… I'm sorry that I can't help you anymore either.""" text2970;"""What do you mean?""" text2971;"""With your father's work, Akira was my only guess.""" text2972;"""Don't mention it, you've already done everything you could…""" text2973;"""If only I could do more…""" text2974;"""The standard Japanese exchange of pleasantries had already started to tire me out.""" text2975;"""Anyway, Ichinose-san, if you remember something, I'd be happy to hear any information!""" text2976;"""Of course, of course. Good night!""" text2977;"""He had to be lying, right?""" text2978;"""But why would you lie about a man's death if he didn't die?""" text2979;"""What if I were to rush out looking for him and end up finding this Akira? In that case, the lie would have the opposite effect.""" text2980;"""No, it was probably just a dead end.""" text2981;"""If I wanted to unravel this whole situation, I'd have to try another approach from the beginning.""" text2982;"""…""" text2983;"""When I left the ramen shop, the lights of distant stars were already shining brightly in the sky.""" text2984;"""Like small lanterns hanging high above the clouds.""" text2985;"""I recalled stars in Russia being the brightest at the end of August…""" text2986;"""A cold, damp wind blew from the ocean. I shuddered, and my heart felt unbelievably heavy.""" text2987;"""Maybe somewhere in the very center of Tokyo, the nightlife was still boiling, but my district usually fell asleep with twilight.""" text2988;"""The streets grew empty, with only stragglers hurrying home, where they were awaited by a loving family and a hot dinner — completely unlike me and my ramen.""" text2989;"""If only I hadn't had a fight with Himitsu today…""" text2990;"""But could you really call that a fight?""" text2991;"""No yelling, no dish breaking, not even any face punching!""" text2992;"""Only strained silence, unspoken words, and indecision.""" text2993;"""Yeah, exactly — indecision! I just didn't know how I felt about her.""" text2994;"""Especially now, after Catherine had returned.""" text2995;"""Accepting her love would be the easiest option, but wouldn't I only hurt both of us even more then?""" text2996;"""Would these feelings end up genuine, or would I just swap her from a housemaid to a lover?""" text2997;"""And in the end, Himitsu would simply end up hating me… As well as herself.""" text2998;"""But rational thinking is something to attempt with a clear mind — the empty house met me with a ringing silence and the cold of an autumn night.""" text2999;"""For a long while, I stood next to the phone, not thinking about anything in particular.""" text3000;"""No, I most definitely wasn't going to call anyone, I was waiting for them to call me.""" text3001;"""The clock hands were nearing midnight. I looked outside, but her windows were dark.""" text3002;"""Why do I always do this — first push people away then agonize over it?""" text3003;"""Finally, my tiredness seized me and turned out to be the deliverance I craved.""" text3004;"""I stretched out on the bed, closed my eyes, and immediately plunged into the pleasant state when you know you're about to fall asleep…""" text3005;"""Ultimately, Himitsu wasn't about to disappear, and I had more important things to do.""" text3006;"""I left the school and hesitantly stopped at the gates.""" text3007;"""How many waterfronts did Tokyo have exactly? I didn't even really know…""" text3008;"""I should've asked Ichinose which one!""" text3009;"""Although it seemed like he wasn't sure where to look for this Akira himself.""" text3010;"""Well, just wonderful: \""go I know not whither and fetch I know not what\""!""" text3011;"""And then the most obvious idea came to my head — I needed to call the information center!""" text3012;"""I quickly reached the nearest phone booth and dialed the number.""" text3013;"""Hello, good afternoon. I'm looking for a man called Akira Shinji. I know that he owns a restaurant somewhere on a waterfront.""" text3014;"""Please wait.""" text3015;"""A grating female voice sounded out of the receiver.""" text3016;"""It took at least five minutes and as many coins, but finally, I got a response:""" text3017;"""Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone by that name.""" text3018;"""So did Ichinose lie to me? No, that would be too stupid!""" text3019;"""Are you sure?""" text3020;"""Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?""" text3021;"""What, had he forgotten the name of a man he'd worked with for years?""" text3022;"""I wasn't ready to believe that!""" text3023;"""Could you give me a list of restaurants with owners whose surnames are Akira?""" text3024;"""The sound of rustling pages came from the other end of the line.""" text3025;"""One restaurant.""" text3026;"""Could you please spell out the address?""" text3027;"""I quickly took a notebook with a pen from my school bag and wrote down the name of the street and number of the house.""" text3028;"""Damn, it was pretty far away.""" text3029;"""For better or worse, I had nothing else to do today.""" text3030;"""…""" text3031;"""In reality, I had absolutely no faith in the success of this operation; going out there half-randomly, just off the surname alone, was a stupid idea.""" text3032;"""But I didn't want to believe that Ichinose had lied to me.""" text3033;"""On the other hand, the outskirts of Tokyo are a great location for the restaurant of a former scientist, and an affordable one.""" text3034;"""…""" text3035;"""I was jumbled into a crowded subway car.""" text3036;"""With every minute, the idea seemed more and more stupid to me, and the sweaty passengers surrounding me made me more and more irritated.""" text3037;"""…""" text3038;"""Luckily, it didn't take long for most of them to leave the car.""" text3039;"""…""" text3040;"""The train approached the outskirts of Tokyo almost empty.""" text3041;"""I left the station and was plunged into a completely different world — it'd been a long time since I'd gone so far from home.""" text3042;"""Here, the neat modern brick buildings largely gave way to hundred year old wooden shacks.""" text3043;"""The scenery reminded of my grandmother's village, where I'd been a couple times as a kid.""" text3044;"""The houses clung to each other as if preparing to resist a tsunami encroaching from the ocean.""" text3045;"""Judging by the look of them, they'd managed once before.""" text3046;"""With mixed results — I never managed to find a single sign with a street name or a building number.""" text3047;"""I tried asking people on the streets:""" text3048;"""Excuse me…""" text3049;"""But that was a lost cause, almost every second house was either a restaurant or a shop.""" text3050;"""I could very well be looking for this Akira until late at night.""" text3051;"""I fruitlessly barged into one restaurant after another.""" text3052;"""Ramen, sushi, ramen, some kind of fish, fish, fish…""" text3053;"""Well, figures, after all I was on a waterfront!""" text3054;"""The strong smell of fresh and not-so-fresh fish was starting to make me feel nauseous.""" text3055;"""I bought a can of beer and sat down on a bench to get some air and rest.""" text3056;"""Far to the east, at the horizon where the ocean met the sky, the first stars had already started to appear, while the mountains to the west were ablaze with the rays of the sunset.""" text3057;"""The sight was spellbinding.""" text3058;"""Maybe I didn't find Akira, but I certainly hadn't come here for nothing!""" text3059;"""The beer was running out and my soul begged me to get another can.""" text3060;"""Halt! I seemed to have been having myself too much alcohol lately.""" text3061;"""Sent by a precise throw, the can departed for the nearest bin.""" text3062;"""Small Japanese women with giant bags in their hands and on their shoulders were running back and forth around me.""" text3063;"""Small Japanese men were boisterously pushing big fish-filled carts in front of them.""" text3064;"""Merry yells, ship horns, and the noise of the loading cranes were coming from the port.""" text3065;"""Languidly sprawled across the bench, I watched this human anthill. Watched hundreds of people drawn by their everyday problems walk past as they paid no attention to me.""" text3066;"""It was so good to not have to run anywhere, to not have to live my life constantly suffocated by the stench of fish.""" text3067;"""No, I didn't feel superior or better than these simple workers.""" text3068;"""More like I was different, granted comprehension of the wisdom of existence…""" text3069;"""For a second, a familiar face flashed in the crowd.""" text3070;"""Or was that just my imagination?""" text3071;"""I needed some time to get back to reality from the world of dreams.""" text3072;"""No, that was definitely Kagome!""" text3073;"""I jumped up and headed after her.""" text3074;"""Moving forward in the thick flow of people wasn't easy — I was shoved, had my feet stepped on, was hissed at.""" text3075;"""Sometimes Kagome would appear several meters in front of me and then disappear behind people's backs.""" text3076;"""Finally, I jumped out onto a relatively free part of the waterfront, but the girl had already vanished into thin air.""" text3077;"""But I was absolutely certain it wasn't just my imagination, it was Kagome I'd been chasing!""" text3078;"""…""" text3079;"""The night fully closed in.""" text3080;"""I was aimlessly wandering the waterfront, all hope of finding Kagome gone.""" text3081;"""The streets grew empty, a cool salty wind blew from the ocean, the temperature fell abruptly.""" text3082;"""It was time to get going back.""" text3083;"""I was about to turn toward the station, but out of the corner of my eye caught sight of Kagome, big bags in her hands, appearing in the brightly lit entrance to a shop.""" text3084;"""Hey!""" text3085;"""I shouted.""" text3086;"""But she didn't hear me — it was too far, and the noise of the river didn't help.""" text3087;"""Hey!""" text3088;"""I rushed toward her, but a couple seconds later Kagome had entered a building…""" text3089;"""A restaurant — Gifts of the Sea. What an original name!""" text3090;"""The owner's name was written on a sign nearby: Akira Moriyuki.""" text3091;"""Well, damn me… Was this really the place?!""" text3092;"""I jerked the door's handle, but it didn't give.""" text3093;"""It seemed the restaurant was closed today.""" text3094;"""And what was I to do now? Knock?""" text3095;"""But who would I find in there? My Akira?""" text3096;"""What if it was just a coincidence?""" text3097;"""And what was Kagome doing here…?""" text3098;"""There were more questions than answers, and the answers lay on the other side of the door.""" text3099;"""I knocked.""" text3100;"""Several minutes passed, but nobody responded.""" text3101;"""The insides of the restaurant itself were dark, but a light blinked once on the second floor, which would have the living area.""" text3102;"""Which meant I'd been heard, unless, of course, the inhabitants were all deaf!""" text3103;"""I knocked again…""" text3104;"""Hey!""" text3105;"""A rough male voice came from a couple meters from me.""" text3106;"""I turned my head and saw a policeman quickly walking toward me.""" text3107;"""What are you doing here?""" text3108;"""What was I doing exactly? Standing, knocking on the door…""" text3109;"""It wasn't late enough for a lone school student to evoke suspicion from an upholder of the law, which meant someone had called the police.""" text3110;"""Someone like this Akira Moriyuki or Kagome!""" text3111;"""My plans certainly couldn't make room for a trip to a police station, and I broke into a run in the direction of the station.""" text3112;"""I was in no danger of being shot at, and the full-bodied man of about fifty had no chance of catching up to me when I was running.""" text3113;"""…""" text3114;"""After reaching the station, I stopped to catch my breath.""" text3115;"""Well damn…""" text3116;"""What the hell was that?""" text3117;"""I could guess that Akira, the owner of that restaurant, was somehow connected to Akira Shinji, but what did Kagome have to do with it?!""" text3118;"""But I was so tired I only wanted to get home as fast as possible.""" text3119;"""After taking the train, I immediately fell asleep and only by some miracle didn't miss my stop.""" text3120;"""There was a note under my door.""" text3121;"""I bent down with some difficulty, grasped it, and read:""" text3122;"""\""Niko-kun, you've disappeared again! Do you not want to talk to me? I'm worried, you know! What's going on with you lately? Call me! H.\""""" text3123;"""I let out a heavy sigh, opened the door with my key, stumbled into the hallway, and sprawled out on the floor.""" text3124;"""I'm done, enough adventures for today!""" text3125;"""I said into the nothingness and crawled to the living room without even taking my shoes off.""" text3126;"""The same images surfaced over and over in my head: Kagome's frowning face at school; her silhouette vanishing into the crowd at the waterfront; her distant figure disappearing behind the door of the Gifts of the Sea.""" text3127;"""I couldn't put the pieces of the puzzle together, the task was beyond me.""" text3128;"""Like in some trashy mystery novel, my life was ensnared by invisible threads, weaving themselves together into a deadly web.""" text3129;"""A strange note and frightening phone calls?""" text3130;"""My quiet classmate being connected to my father's work?""" text3131;"""What next? Was it about to turn out that Himitsu and Catherine were secret agents working for Japan and the USA respectively?""" text3132;"""The fridge was empty, there wasn't even a bowl of instant ramen in the cupboard.""" text3133;"""I fiddled with Himitsu's note in my hands and read it again.""" text3134;"""Maybe it would be better to call her? After all, she was worried!""" text3135;"""And it wasn't even because I was hungry…""" text3136;"""Call""" text3137;"""Do not call""" text3138;"""The tone the note was written in seemed to leave me no choice.""" text3139;"""I took up the receiver and dialed her number, all the while feeling like a child waiting for a punishment from his strict parents.""" text3140;"""It took a while before my call was answered.""" text3141;"""Yes?""" text3142;"""Hi…""" text3143;"""Well, hello.""" text3144;"""Himitsu's voice was cold, emotionless.""" text3145;"""I just read your note here. Sorry, I've been really busy lately, lots of things to take care of…""" text3146;"""…connected to my parents.""" text3147;"""I didn't want to tell her the whole truth but was also tired of lying.""" text3148;"""Or rather, I just didn't have the strength to think of something relatively comprehensible.""" text3149;"""I didn't know. You could've told me.""" text3150;"""Himitsu said, sounding injured.""" text3151;"""I didn't want to upset you.""" text3152;"""Do you think you aren't upsetting me by acting like this?""" text3153;"""…""" text3154;"""Did something happen? Your parents…""" text3155;"""She didn't finish the sentence.""" text3156;"""No, nothing bad happened. Just an old acquaintance showed up.""" text3157;"""Silence.""" text3158;"""Don't worry, it's not about debts or anything of the sort! Nothing bad's gonna happen to me!""" text3159;"""That's what I wanted to believe myself.""" text3160;"""You probably haven't eaten properly today at all?""" text3161;"""Himitsu asked, ignoring my words.""" text3162;"""I guess…""" text3163;"""Alright, wait for me.""" text3164;"""…""" text3165;"""A couple minutes later and Himitsu was in the kitchen, preparing dinner.""" text3166;"""So will you tell me what happened?""" text3167;"""Yeah… My father just had some unfinished business with his ex-colleagues, so I'm sorting it out. It's about his work, nothing interesting.""" text3168;"""I see…""" text3169;"""She drawled — it looked like she didn't believe me. But it didn't look like she was about to pry.""" text3170;"""Sorry for not calling yesterday.""" text3171;"""At least we saw each other at school.""" text3172;"""Can't help it, I guess…""" text3173;"""I'm not lying, just very tired.""" text3174;"""Himitsu put several plates and dishes on the table.""" text3175;"""Aren't you going to eat?""" text3176;"""No, it's not good to eat a lot late in the evening.""" text3177;"""But it's good enough for me?!""" text3178;"""Well, walking around starving isn't exactly great either.""" text3179;"""She smiled for the first time this evening.""" text3180;"""I picked up the chopsticks and threw myself at the food.""" text3181;"""Maybe you're not lying, but you're clearly not telling the whole truth.""" text3182;"""Huh?""" text3183;"""I was so focused on chewing, it seemed like someone had muted the rest of the world.""" text3184;"""Something's going on with you. And it's not just about Katty-chan. And it hurts that you're hiding something from me.""" text3185;"""But you can't just keep everything inside. If only you could share with someone…""" text3186;"""I've got no one to…""" text3187;"""I stopped short. This would be me admitting that I didn't have anyone closer than her in my life.""" text3188;"""And maybe that was true, but sometimes you want the truth, even if it is indeed the truth, to keep far away.""" text3189;"""You know I tell you everything! And if I don't it just means there's nothing to tell.""" text3190;"""I supported my lie with the nicest smile I was capable of.""" text3191;"""I want to believe you.""" text3192;"""Himitsu said sadly.""" text3193;"""And anyway! We've had nothing but melancholy around here lately. That's not right. Let's go out somewhere!""" text3194;"""It's night.""" text3195;"""Well I didn't mean now! Tomorrow. Or over the weekend.""" text3196;"""Alright.""" text3197;"""She smiled and stood up.""" text3198;"""I'll go now, good night.""" text3199;"""When the door closed behind her, I let out a sigh and uttered:""" text3200;"""One thing after another.""" text3201;"""After finishing the dinner, I remembered my tiredness, and my whole body seemed to turn to lead in an instant, my eyes closing as if by themselves.""" text3202;"""Slumber brought me the long-awaited relief.""" text3203;"""But not today.""" text3204;"""I gave it one last bit of effort, crawled to my bed, and zonked out."""