text12452;"""I woke up with a terrible headache and just spent a while staring at the ceiling.""" text12453;"""Strange — didn't seem like I had drank that much yesterday.""" text12454;"""My overall hungover condition was nicely accompanied by heartburn, which I normally wouldn't have after only a day of drinking.""" text12455;"""I groaned and turned to the other side.""" text12456;"""And there was…""" text12457;"""Himitsu!""" text12458;"""…""" text12459;"""I swore in a whisper.""" text12460;"""But how, why?!""" text12461;"""I came home yesterday and went to sleep.""" text12462;"""I remembered… remembered everything…""" text12463;"""But yesterday's memories felt like they were hidden under a layer of cloudy, quagmire water.""" text12464;"""I could see their shapes, but it was as if the memories themselves belonged to someone else.""" text12465;"""What have I done…?""" text12466;"""It wasn't that difficult to find the answer: I betrayed Catherine and used Himitsu.""" text12467;"""In a single moment, destroying everything even remotely right still remaining in my life.""" text12468;"""Himitsu sighed and reached out to me.""" text12469;"""I froze, unable to move, and her touch pierced me like a shard of ice.""" text12470;"""Niko-kun…""" text12471;"""Suddenly, my own bed felt unbearably alien.""" text12472;"""Niko-kun?""" text12473;"""Himitsu opened her eyes and smiled.""" text12474;"""I wasn't responding, and, apparently, looked pretty weird.""" text12475;"""Niko-kun, what's wrong?""" text12476;"""How come you're here?""" text12477;"""What do you mean?""" text12478;"""I came home yesterday, and you weren't here…""" text12479;"""What are you talking about, Niko-kun?""" text12480;"""Her surprise looked sincere enough — enough to make me doubt myself.""" text12481;"""I… don't know.""" text12482;"""Niko-kun, you can't drink that much!""" text12483;"""I wasn't really…""" text12484;"""But my condition was pretty similar to that of someone who's been soaking himself in alcohol for over a week.""" text12485;"""And then new, as if alien, memories started to float to the surface.""" text12486;"""What day is it today?""" text12487;"""Come on Niko-kun, enough!""" text12488;"""How many days has it been…?""" text12489;"""Niko-kun, it's not funny anymore!""" text12490;"""Nobody's laughing!""" text12491;"""I tried to get up, but could only moan and flop back onto the bed.""" text12492;"""A mug of beer and a bottle of sake, you say? Yeah, right!""" text12493;"""No, I definitely hadn't drunk that much yesterday!""" text12494;"""However, that yesterday wasn't yesterday…""" text12495;"""…""" text12496;"""It had been a month since Catherine's disappearance.""" text12497;"""Her mother kept insisting that Katya was at her grandmother's in the US and assuring me there was nothing to worry about.""" text12498;"""At the same time, she categorically refused to give me her phone number.""" text12499;"""Although it seemed strange, there was no way for me to change Sheryl Winters' mind.""" text12500;"""Gradually, it was becoming more and more obvious that Catherine had disappeared from my life forever.""" text12501;"""It turned out to be easiest to persuade myself that she really was in the US — because it was unbearable to believe that something had happened to her.""" text12502;"""Himitsu meanwhile couldn't miss such a chance…""" text12503;"""She would come every day, virtually moved into my place, and surrounded me with care.""" text12504;"""And I… was so crushed by Catherine's disappearance that I just took it for granted.""" text12505;"""Besides, I was cowardly rejoicing at the fact that I didn't need to worry about any everyday necessities.""" text12506;"""Soon, other physiological needs followed.""" text12507;"""I didn't feel much of a spiritual closeness with Himitsu — maybe even less than before — but sex allowed me to distract myself and somehow numbed the pain from losing Katya.""" text12508;"""The first time it seemed to happen by itself, too casually and simply.""" text12509;"""After that, Himitsu insisted in pretending that everything was like it should've been — and was generally behaving like we'd long been married — and I had neither the energy nor desire to argue with her.""" text12510;"""The first days passed by as if in delirium — I couldn't endure the weight of waiting and started drinking heavily.""" text12511;"""Himitsu didn't seem to notice that at all, sometimes she would even buy me beer for the mornings.""" text12512;"""Every time as I woke up and saw her next to me, I felt disgusted. I hated myself, and, oftentimes, her as well.""" text12513;"""Sometimes I was full of determination to quit drinking and make a fresh start, but that righteous impulse would usually vanish once my emotions calmed down.""" text12514;"""I talked with Mrs Winters a couple of times, but she kept saying that Katya was in America.""" text12515;"""Himitsu, on the other hand, was acting as if Catherine had never existed.""" text12516;"""She wasn't demanding that I informed her where I was going or what I was doing — she was simply waiting at home patiently.""" text12517;"""Of course, sometimes the topic would come up in conversations, but Himitsu would immediately try and change the subject.""" text12518;"""She didn't scold me when I would snap at her or get upset and go silent.""" text12519;"""She didn't scold me for not showing any appreciation at all.""" text12520;"""Reciprocity obviously wasn't a priority for her at the moment.""" text12521;"""Naturally, I completely forgot about school.""" text12522;"""Kyosuke dropped by a couple of times, but I didn't tell him anything.""" text12523;"""In the end, he told me that they were going to expel me, but even that didn't make me worry at all.""" text12524;"""It was even stranger that Himitsu wasn't reacting to my apathy.""" text12525;"""Although a plethora of new things appeared in our relationship — many of them I wouldn't have wanted to see under different circumstances.""" text12526;"""But unfortunately, the circumstances were what they were…""" text12527;"""It's hard to go out of your comfort zone, especially when you're hiding from the pain waiting beyond your doorstep.""" text12528;"""Catherine would never come back — so the pain would never disappear…""" text12529;"""I guess I did something wrong, took a wrong decision somewhere: everything could probably have gone differently.""" text12530;"""That's the strange thing about the human brain — it's much easier to imagine yourself as a part of an intergalactic crew than it is to picture something that's achievable but seems impossible for whatever reason.""" text12531;"""It's achievable to become a millionaire — you mostly just need to not be a degenerate and work really hard.""" text12532;"""But most people would rather believe they can win the lottery than achieve anything through labor.""" text12533;"""I couldn't hope that Catherine would come back…""" text12534;"""After some time, her mother's words started seeming more and more likely.""" text12535;"""Why exactly hadn't I believed her right away?""" text12536;"""She wouldn't lie about something like that without a reason, right? She wouldn't, right…?""" text12537;"""Well, whether she was lying or not — it didn't matter.""" text12538;"""I was so morally broken that I rather resembled a prisoner in a gulag even to myself, excited about getting the double portion of fish head soup and finding a hacksaw blade.""" text12539;"""I was imprisoned, deprived of any future and human dignity.""" text12540;"""The scariest part was that I did it all to myself!""" text12541;"""It's hard to bargain with yourself when you're the prisoner and the guard at the same time.""" text12542;"""Because you have nothing to offer yourself for your freedom — no ransom is valuable enough.""" text12543;"""Catherine wouldn't be waiting out there. She wouldn't be anywhere anymore…""" text12544;"""So what did anything fucking matter?!""" text12545;"""…""" text12546;"""Niko-kun, there's beer in the fridge.""" text12547;"""How nice of you…""" text12548;"""I grumbled, the mere thought of beer making me feel sick, but at the same time maybe a little relieved.""" text12549;"""The idea of curing a hangover with it was helping in and of itself.""" text12550;"""Is it really there?""" text12551;"""It is!""" text12552;"""She smiled.""" text12553;"""Himitsu never drank with me — and for that alone I was already grateful to her.""" text12554;"""Because I wouldn't be able to bear to see her drunk…""" text12555;"""I didn't even know why.""" text12556;"""Maybe, because a drunk friend is nothing out of the ordinary, more or less, but a drunk mother…""" text12557;"""I'll cook something!""" text12558;"""Himitsu livened up and was about to stand up, but I stopped her.""" text12559;"""What are we doing…?""" text12560;"""What are you talking about, Niko-kun?""" text12561;"""It's all wrong, don't you understand? A relationship like this, it's wrong. Do you really like that everything is… like this?""" text12562;"""I don't understand what you're talking about.""" text12563;"""She said happily, got up, and put on my shirt, which looked like a cloak on her.""" text12564;"""While Himitsu was cooking breakfast, I kept lying in bed, suffering from my hangover.""" text12565;"""Could I stop this lie-sodden relationship, even if I wanted to?""" text12566;"""Not that I really did want to — that was the main issue.""" text12567;"""The smell of food made my head spin.""" text12568;"""I moaned and lay on the floor next to the kotatsu.""" text12569;"""Do you have something for heartburn?""" text12570;"""Just a moment.""" text12571;"""Himitsu brought me a glass of milk.""" text12572;"""I drank it in one go and immediately went to the toilet to throw up.""" text12573;"""So, how's your heartburn?""" text12574;"""Himitsu asked with care of a hospice nanny.""" text12575;"""I don't know.""" text12576;"""I grumbled and moved to the table.""" text12577;"""Indeed, after clearing out my stomach, I felt much better.""" text12578;"""The breakfast was nothing sophisticated but turned out to be tasty — and, most importantly, edible in my condition.""" text12579;"""What's the day today?""" text12580;"""Tuesday.""" text12581;"""She replied casually, as if it was completely normal to lose track of your life for a month.""" text12582;"""The clock was saying eleven.""" text12583;"""I hadn't been thinking much about what Himitsu was doing alone, where she was going. During the day she was mostly here, watching TV, reading, or chatting with me.""" text12584;"""Don't you need to go to school?""" text12585;"""I asked timidly.""" text12586;"""Not today.""" text12587;"""Why?""" text12588;"""Niko-kun…""" text12589;"""She sighed as if I'd said something stupid again.""" text12590;"""Kyosuke said that I could get kicked out… Won't you have the same problem?""" text12591;"""I won't as long as I stay with you.""" text12592;"""Her smile looked sincere, but it was so inappropriate in the situation it almost caused physical pain in me.""" text12593;"""On the other hand, the mere thought of having a fight threatened to make me tremble — I had no energy to argue anything.""" text12594;"""Best be careful anyway…""" text12595;"""And what was Ito thinking?""" text12596;"""What does your dad say?""" text12597;"""About what?""" text12598;"""About… well, you know.""" text12599;"""I don't, Niko-kun.""" text12600;"""About you practically moving to my place.""" text12601;"""But it's much more convenient for me to keep an eye on you here!""" text12602;"""I couldn't figure out whether she was joking or not.""" text12603;"""Why would you want to keep an eye on someone who doesn't leave the house?""" text12604;"""What if you send coded message to the enemies of the state in the night?""" text12605;"""In the night I usually lie there drunk…""" text12606;"""And anyway!""" text12607;"""I finally summoned up all the courage I had.""" text12608;"""I don't remember forgiving you…""" text12609;"""For what, Niko-kun?""" text12610;"""For… for spying on me!""" text12611;"""But it was for your own good.""" text12612;"""Just like all this?""" text12613;"""I pushed the crumpled up beer can towards her, and it slid across the table like some strangely-shaped yacht across a Swiss lake.""" text12614;"""You'd definitely find it difficult to go shopping yourself.""" text12615;"""That's not what I'm talking about!""" text12616;"""I shouted, irritated, and the headache squeezed my head again.""" text12617;"""Niko-kun, if you're unhappy about something…""" text12618;"""For an instant, I imagined being absolutely alone with my pain and alcoholism.""" text12619;"""It didn't sound so great.""" text12620;"""Much less great than playing pretend family with Himitsu.""" text12621;"""I didn't mean that… it's your fault or something…""" text12622;"""Wonderful! Then what do you want to do today?""" text12623;"""For starters, not die…""" text12624;"""I grunted and looked out into the garden, where the breath of winter was becoming more and more apparent.""" text12625;"""At this time of year it was probably already snowing in my hometown.""" text12626;"""Himitsu was washing dishes and murmuring something.""" text12627;"""A little bird was jumping on the porch.""" text12628;"""This sight involuntarily made me hate myself even more.""" text12629;"""I opened the fridge and found another two cans of beer. Himitsu's care package!""" text12630;"""The beer was followed by sake I found in a drawer.""" text12631;"""…""" text12632;"""It had long gotten dark outside. I was sitting in front of the TV, Himitsu's head in my lap.""" text12633;"""I was sleepy, but, at the same time, somewhat afraid of the coming night.""" text12634;"""That's when the nightmares would come…""" text12635;"""I wondered what I would have done if Catherine entered the kitchen at this moment. And found us like that…""" text12636;"""It seemed like something similar had happened before, but Katya herself was in Himitsu's place.""" text12637;"""I first misstepped while drunk, and then I was just carried by the flow — I had no strength to resist it, and this made the pain more manageable.""" text12638;"""But I held no illusions, I knew full well I'd done something unforgivable to Catherine.""" text12639;"""Although can you really upset someone you'll never see again?""" text12640;"""They say you can betray the memory — I guess that's exactly what was happening.""" text12641;"""Niko-kun, are you sleeping?""" text12642;"""No…""" text12643;"""My voice sounded like I was speaking from the bottom of a deep well.""" text12644;"""Carry me to the bed.""" text12645;"""She whined..""" text12646;"""I stood up, lifted her from the floor, and went to the bedroom.""" text12647;"""It was surprising how much lighter Himitsu was compared to Catherine, almost like a little child.""" text12648;"""And so fragile — it seemed that if I would squeeze a bit harder, she would…""" text12649;"""I put her to the bed and sat next to her with my head in my hands.""" text12650;"""Niko-kun?""" text12651;"""The air in the room was stuffy, and I could feel the smell of alcohol even clearer than before.""" text12652;"""I'll open the door, okay?""" text12653;"""Just a bit, or we'll catch a cold at night.""" text12654;"""I walked out into the garden and looked at the moon whose shining light didn't feel as cold as usual.""" text12655;"""On the contrary, it seemed to be looking at me from the sky with some sympathy, its craters resembling the wrinkles of a loving grandma.""" text12656;"""Niko-kun, don't stay out there for long.""" text12657;"""I heard Himitsu's quiet voice, reaching me as if from another world.""" text12658;"""Bathing in the moonlight, I suddenly felt strangely serene and calm.""" text12659;"""My problems mattered nothing on the scale of the universe.""" text12660;"""Even on Earth's scale, they were miniscule.""" text12661;"""If only that would be enough to pacify my wounded soul!""" text12662;"""Because it was stubbornly refusing to believe that losing Catherine wasn't the same as losing the meaning of existence for the single biological unit called Nikolai Anokhin.""" text12663;"""Niko-kun!""" text12664;"""Himitsu called me again, in a louder voice that time.""" text12665;"""That night we had sex three or four times before I fell into the oblivion of a short, anxious sleep.""" text12666;"""…""" text12667;"""After a week (or, maybe, a year), Himitsu disappeared.""" text12668;"""She just left, as if going out to buy a box of matches, and didn't come back.""" text12669;"""I took me a while to realize what had happened. I was drunk as usual.""" text12670;"""Only by the evening of the following day did it start to become clear that Himitsu might not come back.""" text12671;"""I summoned the courage to go to her house after a while — after all, I could meet Ito there.""" text12672;"""But it turned out that there was no one at home — the lights were off, and the place in general looked abandoned.""" text12673;"""A few days passed, but neither Himitsu nor her father returned.""" text12674;"""I would spend long evenings sitting on the porch, watching the street, and, soon, having to wrap myself in a quilt…""" text12675;"""But their house stood there, quiet and morbid like a castle that had outlived its builders.""" text12676;"""Three days later, Kyosuke came by and informed me that Himitsu had transferred to another school…""" text12677;"""…""" text12678;"""So, what was that?""" text12679;"""A farewell gift? Or was she just acting on her desire to have what she'd always wanted, even if not for long?""" text12680;"""Whether it was right or wrong would soon be up to no one's judgement.""" text12681;"""Did she know she'd inflict even more pain by doing all that? Maybe she did…""" text12682;"""A child wouldn't turn away a toy it had long wanted, even knowing it would soon be taken away.""" text12683;"""I didn't blame Himitsu — she hadn't acted any worse than I.""" text12684;"""Except that now, the last thread connecting me to life had snapped.""" text12685;"""Even if fake, even if dependent, even if based solely on egoism, the relationship had kept me sane.""" text12686;"""Maybe after a while I would even have gotten used to things, made peace, and moved on.""" text12687;"""But Himitsu knew and didn't have any illusions — that's why she wasn't scolding me for drinking and skipping school.""" text12688;"""Why ruin our remaining time together — especially if there was so little of it — with meaningless fights?""" text12689;"""It's a custom to give absolution before death, and forgive and forget before a breakup.""" text12690;"""I imagined Himitsu starting a new life in a new place, meeting someone, falling in love…""" text12691;"""Hot tears ran down my cheeks and I shouted so loudly that my ears popped.""" text12692;"""God, if only at least she had stayed!""" text12693;"""As a consolation prize, a minimum sum in a TV quiz, like the family that may not always be loved but is always around!""" text12694;"""If I had to be punished, I wish I'd been shot instead…""" text12695;"""Mrs Winters soon cut all contact with me, and I didn't know where to look for Irina.""" text12696;"""At first, I wanted to talk at least to Saya to find out where Himitsu transferred to, but soon understood that the way she disappeared left me no hope.""" text12697;"""I'd been abandoned by everyone I ever loved.""" text12698;"""People often say that you have to start with yourself — however, I couldn't understand what I did to deserve such a life!""" text12699;"""And even when it started to seem like I'd hit the bottom of life, something knocked from below.""" text12700;"""I ran out of money and had to go to the bank, where they told me that my account was blocked.""" text12701;"""Ito? Getting an answer from him at this point would be problematic to say the least.""" text12702;"""I managed to catch Catherine's mother, but she just waved me away.""" text12703;"""The Japanese, Kobayashi Corporation, the KGB, some other unknown parties? I could as well blame the Rockefellers.""" text12704;"""I knew one thing for sure — last time the account still had plenty of money.""" text12705;"""I hadn't been to school for a while, so it wasn't too surprising to find out that no one was waiting for me there anymore.""" text12706;"""After a long inquiry, the principal offered to let me stay for an extra year, but I had to pay for my study in advance.""" text12707;"""Unfortunately, the only thing I could afford in the near future was a pack of cheap ramen and couple of beers, without which the world around me seemed dull and senseless.""" text12708;"""I didn't even start a fight with them, because I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere.""" text12709;"""When it rains, it pours — and after having its hull breached by Katya, the vessel of my life was slowly but surely sinking.""" text12710;"""Soon enough they would probably kick me out of the house for not paying my bills.""" text12711;"""That meant that I had to find a job or…""" text12712;"""The very fact that there was an alternative was frightening enough.""" text12713;"""There is a way out of every situation — even if feet-first.""" text12714;"""I didn't know how my thoughts on options would end, but after some time I got a letter from Catherine.""" text12715;"""She wrote that she was doing well in the US, apologized for leaving so suddenly, and wished me all the best.""" text12716;"""I could have believed that if the letter had been written by hand, not typed out.""" text12717;"""I immediately ran to Mrs Winters, but it turned out she wasn't living at her old address anymore, and the embassy informed me she'd been transferred away from Japan.""" text12718;"""If I had any valuable possessions, I would've said I'd been robbed, and they'd taken not just money and jewellery, but also the floorboards and wallpaper.""" text12719;"""Maybe they also took the air — because with each passing day my life came more and more to resemble wandering through the desert.""" text12720;"""But if not Katya, who would write me a letter and why?""" text12721;"""Who would need to persuade me that she really was in the US?""" text12722;"""Me — a person who had sunk to the bottom of life and turned into an alcoholic?""" text12723;"""To who could I pose any danger, except myself?""" text12724;"""Following this logic, I could only assume that the letter was real.""" text12725;"""I didn't even know what I was feeling — happiness because Catherine was alive or a greater pain, because she left me like this.""" text12726;"""Soon the nightmares became scarier than before — I almost stopped sleeping and would just fall into a semi-conscious state at night, pursued by ghosts.""" text12727;"""I'd long run out of money and had to borrow some from Kyosuke — and each time he agreed more reluctantly.""" text12728;"""I was barely forcing myself to go out of the house — past the doorstep, I felt so terrified that I immediately wanted to go back and hide in the darkest corner.""" text12729;"""But even there the panic wouldn't relent — I was afraid of dying, afraid of ceasing to exist, be.""" text12730;"""At some point, both Himitsu and Catherine disappeared from my thoughts.""" text12731;"""There was only fear left, the unrelenting horror, the grim primal instinct necessary in a fight for survival, that took control over me, aided by depression and alcohol.""" text12732;"""Half the time I felt like I was going crazy and the other half it seemed I already had.""" text12733;"""Soon it became tiring to stand or sit — the only time my head didn't spin was when I was lying in bed.""" text12734;"""I would remain in bed for days and soon started defecating and urinating right on the floor.""" text12735;"""And, most importantly, I was no longer worried about what I had become.""" text12736;"""Chthonic terror took control over me entirely, and the human previously known as Nikolai Anokhin stopped existing.""" text12737;"""Maybe I had already died and gone to hell, although death was what I feared the most.""" text12738;"""Not that death wasn't the worst option in my case.""" text12739;"""What an irony!""" text12740;"""I was sitting in front of a jug with poisoned water, dying of thirst.""" text12741;"""One sip — and everything would end…""" text12742;"""Catherine had stopped being so important to me, even if she would appear before me at that very moment.""" text12743;"""All those concerns remained in the previous life — as if most of my brain died of dementia.""" text12744;"""Somewhere at the edge of my conscious self, I knew I would die soon, having lost the last bits of my humanity before that.""" text12745;"""But, I also knew that it wouldn't happen this very minute — and so this hell would continue forever.""" text12746;"""Every second of my life became the epitome of endless torture and pain — the pain from my drawn out existence.""" text12747;"""…""" text12748;"""I had told Catherine that I didn't believe in fate.""" text12749;"""But even if I could go back to the past and fix everything, I didn't want to anymore — because everything good and human in me had been burnt out by the smelting iron of fear.""" text12750;"""It often happens that the day after cleaning a room you find it strange how tidy it is, you may even feel, like it was only just renovated.""" text12751;"""I didn't feel like getting up and ruining the peaceful picture with my presence.""" text12752;"""And I wouldn't have, if not for Himitsu who was leaning over me.""" text12753;"""Niko-kun, get up!""" text12754;"""Mmhhhm? What? What time is it?""" text12755;"""Late enough that we could be late for school!""" text12756;"""Half asleep, I didn't immediately realize what was happening.""" text12757;"""Habits formed over the years were stronger than my memory of the past few weeks.""" text12758;"""Man, why do I have to exist as a protein-based lifeform instead of a being of pure energy!""" text12759;"""I pleaded.""" text12760;"""I made breakfast.""" text12761;"""Himitsu said joyfully.""" text12762;"""And then I finally started coming to my senses.""" text12763;"""Luckily, I managed to avoid a hangover this time.""" text12764;"""I sat up in bed and said:""" text12765;"""Thank you, but I'm not planning to go anywhere today.""" text12766;"""I was trying to sound confident but not provocative.""" text12767;"""Niko-kun…""" text12768;"""She sighed heavily and closed her eyes.""" text12769;"""At least eat some.""" text12770;"""Definitely!""" text12771;"""I need to go to school.""" text12772;"""See you… tonight.""" text12773;"""That didn't sound like a question.""" text12774;"""I responded with nothing and fell asleep right after she left.""" text12775;"""…""" text12776;"""I wondered if Himitsu considered this situation normal.""" text12777;"""Perhaps she thought I had no right to be mad at her or critically assess her actions in the first place?""" text12778;"""Her father was working for Japanese intelligence, she was helping him — but it was only for my own good!""" text12779;"""But Catherine's disappearance made me reevaluate my perception of what's normal and what's not — and what Himitsu had done no longer seemed like such a terrible betrayal to me.""" text12780;"""I felt rested and chipper, as often occurs when you manage to sleep as long as you need.""" text12781;"""A long-cold breakfast was waiting for me in the kitchen.""" text12782;"""Quite a tasty one, as it turned out, but simultaneously somehow lacking a warm and homely feeling. As if it had been bought in a supermarket.""" text12783;"""Done eating, I moved to the TV and spent a few hours just switching channels, unable to focus on anything in particular.""" text12784;"""The constant change of pictures somewhat distracted me from my thoughts.""" text12785;"""I knew that all I could do was sit like this waiting for some miracle to occur — and that depressed me even more.""" text12786;"""Close to dinner time, somebody rang the doorbell and I had to get up and open the door.""" text12787;"""It was Michael — and I couldn't say I was happy about his visit.""" text12788;"""Just don't tell me you brought homework!""" text12789;"""I said sarcastically and walked out, letting him know that I wasn't planning to have any guests.""" text12790;"""Today they told us that Catherine is going to be transferred. Do you know anything about this?""" text12791;"""He looked worried (at least, compared to his normal self), and I could hear the irritation in his voice.""" text12792;"""How would I? I haven't been to school.""" text12793;"""Yesterday you told me she had some problems.""" text12794;"""I said nothing like that.""" text12795;"""But you implied it.""" text12796;"""If you can read minds and know who implied what, why bother me?""" text12797;"""Yes, I guess I shouldn't have. Sorry to disturb you.""" text12798;"""He sighed and was about to leave, but suddenly stopped and looked at me suspiciously.""" text12799;"""It's still weird… Yesterday you claimed you two were together again.""" text12800;"""I was really hurt by his \""claimed\"" — there was something snobbish and squeamish in it — so I couldn't control myself.""" text12801;"""Why are you always sticking your nose into other people's business like it concerns you? Why do you think Catherine and I have anything to do with you at all?!""" text12802;"""Now you're standing here and looking like someone's offended and dishonored you! As if Catherine's your wife, and I'm hiding some important information about her!""" text12803;"""For God's sake, stop behaving like that — don't make me angry! I have nothing to lose!""" text12804;"""Is that a threat?""" text12805;"""Michael said in a disgusted tone, as if arguing with the owner of the dog whose excrement he'd just stepped in.""" text12806;"""It is, if you still don't get it!""" text12807;"""He kept looking me coldly, as if I wasn't a human being.""" text12808;"""I thought better of you.""" text12809;"""I thought you realized I don't give a shit about what others think of me.""" text12810;"""Maybe that's exactly why you're in this situation.""" text12811;"""And what situation am I in exactly, huh?""" text12812;"""I took step forward and leaned over him, but Michael didn't react at all, not a single muscle flinched in his face.""" text12813;"""You don't seem to be doing well.""" text12814;"""And what should a person who's doing well look like, in your opinion? Should they be an unprincipled hypocrite like you?""" text12815;"""They shouldn't be this aggressive, at least.""" text12816;"""Have you ever thought that normal people worry when everything goes to hell in their lives?""" text12817;"""Based on your behavior, I'm not sure Catherine would be safe with you…""" text12818;"""Oh fuck you!""" text12819;"""I lost control and tried to push him off the porch, but Michael grabbed my hands and pulled abruptly. Aikido?""" text12820;"""As a result, I fell to the ground and landed on the tiles in front of the house.""" text12821;"""You bitch!""" text12822;"""Are you sure you want to continue?""" text12823;"""He asked in the same calm tone.""" text12824;"""To be fair, I felt much less confident than before.""" text12825;"""Just a second ago, I thought that I could easily beat him if I needed to.""" text12826;"""You Americans love private property. So I am kindly asking you to get the fuck off of mine!""" text12827;"""Finally, he sighed heavily and rolled his eyes.""" text12828;"""Unfortunately, you're right about one thing: in this situation, I can do nothing to help Catherine stop this toxic relationship.""" text12829;"""Fucker!""" text12830;"""I doubted even a more even-minded person would've been able to tolerate that.""" text12831;"""I stood up and threw myself at Michael, but immediately got punched in the cheekbone.""" text12832;"""Not very strongly, but enough to calm me down.""" text12833;"""It's a pity that she got involved with… someone like you.""" text12834;"""He spat out out and walked away.""" text12835;"""I kept standing in place for a while, feeling my face.""" text12836;"""It hurt, but not as much as my self esteem.""" text12837;"""I felt weak and powerless. An almost forgotten feeling.""" text12838;"""Last time I experienced something like this was back middle school, when I would have to fight my seniors.""" text12839;"""I could've accepted being beaten by some Japanese, KGB, or CIA agent, but Michael! How could I bear such humiliation?!""" text12840;"""If only I could commit harakiri with a bokken…""" text12841;"""I returned to the house and opened a bottle of whiskey. As it turned out, there was another next to the one I had finished a week ago.""" text12842;"""There wasn't much left inside — but just enough to shut up my hurt pride.""" text12843;"""Drunkards are the most patient people in the world when it comes to self-respect — they can forget and forgive anything for a bottle!""" text12844;"""I sat in front of the TV with a glass in my hand and tried not to think about what had just happened.""" text12845;"""And if I didn't go to school anymore, I, most likely, wouldn't ever see Michael again.""" text12846;"""Everything of genius is simple…""" text12847;"""I ran out of whiskey pretty quickly and the monotonous voice of the announcer quickly made me fall asleep.""" text12848;"""Sleeping during the day is the art of true samurai, because there is always a risk of waking up not remembering who and where you are.""" text12849;"""And sleeping in the day being drunk is a really risky adventure.""" text12850;"""Niko-kun…""" text12851;"""A quiet voice reached my consciousness as if having travelled hundreds of light years.""" text12852;"""I tried to open my eyes, but they seemed to have become one big bruise.""" text12853;"""Niko-kun?""" text12854;"""The voice could only belong to Himitsu.""" text12855;"""But what was she doing so far away from home, in another solar system, or, maybe, on the other end of the galaxy?""" text12856;"""Niko-kun!""" text12857;"""The voice was getting more and more persistent.""" text12858;"""I… can't… I'm… dying…""" text12859;"""I moaned and had a fit of consumptive coughing.""" text12860;"""Don't worry, you'll live.""" text12861;"""Surprised by these words, I managed to finally open my eyes.""" text12862;"""My whole body was swollen, as if somebody had pumped a gallon of water under my skin.""" text12863;"""Himitsu was still wearing her school uniform — apparently, she didn't stop by her home first.""" text12864;"""What's with your face?""" text12865;"""What's with it?""" text12866;"""I touched the cheekbone Michael punched. Ouch.""" text12867;"""I fell.""" text12868;"""I lied.""" text12869;"""There was no point to it, but when you try to look like a good boy for so many years, it becomes a bit difficult to stop all of a sudden.""" text12870;"""If your mom doesn't know that you smoke, you'll be hiding cigarettes from her even at thirty.""" text12871;"""Niko-kun…""" text12872;"""She sighed heavily and rolled her eyes.""" text12873;"""I fell on the bottle with my face!""" text12874;"""I searched around and showed her the empty bottle of whiskey.""" text12875;"""Good that it wasn't some other part of your body.""" text12876;"""Himitsu smirked and immediately added:""" text12877;"""Do you want to eat?""" text12878;"""No, but thank you.""" text12879;"""I really didn't want to, my stomach rebelled against the very thought of it.""" text12880;"""I'll cook anyway, you can eat later.""" text12881;"""…""" text12882;"""She started cooking and I turned the TV on to have something to drown out the loud, awkward silence.""" text12883;"""What if things returned to normal? Could that happen?""" text12884;"""We had lived the whole previous year without Catherine, and it wasn't even all that bad.""" text12885;"""And now I didn't have Katya in my life again — and there was less and less hope for her return.""" text12886;"""So what of Ito and Himitsu's spying, were they really that important?""" text12887;"""If I hadn't gone to that village then, hadn't heard that ill-fated conversation, then maybe nothing would've changed in our relationship.""" text12888;"""Is it bad to have someone by your side, even if they're hiding something from you?""" text12889;"""I could be sure about one thing — Himitsu only wished me well.""" text12890;"""But even though it would've been much easier to do just that, I knew deep inside we had passed something like a point of no return in our relationship.""" text12891;"""Nothing would be the same again, no matter how hard she was pretending.""" text12892;"""And it wasn't even about Himitsu and her father — it was about me and Catherine.""" text12893;"""One cannot be forced to love someone, but it is also true that one cannot be forced to stop loving.""" text12894;"""Of course, it hadn't been all and always nice and smooth between me and Katya, rather the opposite…""" text12895;"""But I loved her and I couldn't do anything about it.""" text12896;"""Sometimes, the sum of the parts doesn't add up to what you're expecting.""" text12897;"""All Himitsu's kindness and care didn't automatically translate into love on my part — and, damn it, I was tired of blaming myself for it!""" text12898;"""You know, it doesn't really matter how you get to the foot of a mountain — slowly making your way down or jumping off the peak. Either way, you'll find yourself at the bottom.""" text12899;"""What are you talking about, Niko-kun?""" text12900;"""I'm saying you should stop pretending that everything is alright between us.""" text12901;"""Himitsu turned off the tap and put the half-washed pot on the table.""" text12902;"""Niko-kun, why are we having this conversation again? We were practically given a second chance.""" text12903;"""What kind of second chance are you talking about?""" text12904;"""She didn't reply right away, like she were picking words in a foreign language.""" text12905;"""Now, when Katty-chan has left…""" text12906;"""Left, you say? How do you know about that?""" text12907;"""Something evil, dangerous, and malicious started to boil up inside me.""" text12908;"""Did your daddy tell you as a reward for distinguished service?""" text12909;"""At school…""" text12910;"""Her voice cracked.""" text12911;"""They told us at school that she wouldn't be studying with us anymore, because she returned to the US.""" text12912;"""Is that so…?""" text12913;"""Maybe I was blaming Himitsu for nothing, but the way she ignored the subject couldn't be called sensible either.""" text12914;"""Niko-kun, what you just said hurt me.""" text12915;"""Sorry, I'm not the most tactful person in the world. But it changes nothing! It's not about what I've said, it's about what you've done.""" text12916;"""If you want to talk about—""" text12917;"""I interrupted her:""" text12918;"""I don't see the point in talking about anything with you. At least any time soon.""" text12919;"""Himitsu took off the apron, folded it carefully, and dropped it on the table.""" text12920;"""So you're kicking me out?""" text12921;"""Sunsh…""" text12922;"""I stopped myself.""" text12923;"""Himitsu, stop being dramatic and pretending to be all humiliated and offended!""" text12924;"""We both know that you've gotten very good at playing my sense of guilt.""" text12925;"""But I'm tired of bearing the blame! Right, wrong — it's all relative!""" text12926;"""Belief, justice, guilt, responsibility, obligations, money, politics, borders — all of those are just made up by people!""" text12927;"""They're just social constructs that simplify everyday life and interactions between people!""" text12928;"""But I love Catherine — and for me that is the only reality, because I feel this love every moment of my life.""" text12929;"""And it is also very real to me that I don't love you. I'm sorry.""" text12930;"""And I can't pretend anymore! What you did… It ruined everything, understand?""" text12931;"""Why do you hate me so much, Niko-kun?!""" text12932;"""Himitsu asked with tears in her eyes.""" text12933;"""It's not about hate!""" text12934;"""I started squirming in my chair, as if someone had put a pin on it.""" text12935;"""It just so happened that…""" text12936;"""I couldn't find the right words and wasn't sure that Himitsu would be willing to listen to me, and more importantly, understand me.""" text12937;"""So it means nothing to you that…""" text12938;"""God, here we go again!""" text12939;"""Finally, I felt I couldn't sit any longer — I jumped up and started walking through the kitchen in wide strides.""" text12940;"""Am I indebted to you? Do I have to pay you reparations like a war criminal? Of course, it all means a lot to me!""" text12941;"""But it doesn't mean that we're meant for each other!""" text12942;"""I understand, Niko-kun. Thank you for explaining.""" text12943;"""Himitsu wiped her tears and looked at me absentmindedly, as if trying to remember something.""" text12944;"""I wish you good luck.""" text12945;"""Then she left the room, put her shoes on, and quietly closed the front door behind her.""" text12946;"""…""" text12947;"""It's not difficult to cut out an abscess, but the resulting wound will probably take a while to heal.""" text12948;"""I was lying in front of the TV and thinking through countless scenarios of what I could've said and done differently.""" text12949;"""And, most importantly, I wasn't at all sure that I ended up choosing the right one.""" text12950;"""The rest of the day was spent in pointless languor.""" text12951;"""When night came, the demons hiding in my soul started to come to the surface, and I could no longer bear to stay alone in the empty house.""" text12952;"""I decided to replenish my supply of alcohol and went to the convenience store.""" text12953;"""Japanese people don't usually buy whiskey at night, so it's not that easy to find a place that sells it.""" text12954;"""But I knew the area well and even had some contacts in the local liquor boutiques, which sold mostly Japanese sake.""" text12955;"""If I needed to, I could just knock on the door and get a bottle of whatever I wanted, even at 3 in the morning.""" text12956;"""But at that moment I wanted some whiskey, preferably the imported kind.""" text12957;"""Having stocked up, I was returning home in a cheerful mood.""" text12958;"""Weirdly enough, I hadn't even had any yet!""" text12959;"""The street was drowning in the half-darkness — the little areas illuminated by street lights seemed to be the only safe spots, the blackness between them threatening to swallow people idly walking along.""" text12960;"""I touched something small and seemingly valuable with my foot.""" text12961;"""I bent down and grabbed a wallet.""" text12962;"""Immediately, I heard somebody's resigned sigh and saw a girl leaning against a wall about ten metres away from me under one of the street lights.""" text12963;"""I came closer and called out to her.""" text12964;"""Excuse me, did you just lose a wallet?""" text12965;"""For some reason, I didn't even think to look inside, count the notes…""" text12966;"""Huh…?""" text12967;"""She turned around, and I recognized Kobayashi Ellie.""" text12968;"""That's it!""" text12969;"""She shouted and grabbed the wallet out of my hands.""" text12970;"""I've been looking for it…""" text12971;"""Kobayashi Ellie… A quite tipsy Kobayashi Ellie.""" text12972;"""Wait… You didn't…""" text12973;"""If you're going to accuse me of stealing your wallet, I'll save you the time: yes, that's exactly what I did!""" text12974;"""First I stole it, then my conscience acted up and I decided to return it.""" text12975;"""That's was exactly how it happened, don't you doubt me! That's what normal criminals do!""" text12976;"""Her face reflected the laborious mental process taking place inside her head.""" text12977;"""Where did you find it?""" text12978;"""Over there. Why were you looking for it here?""" text12979;"""Well… It's lighter here.""" text12980;"""Indeed!""" text12981;"""I snickered.""" text12982;"""Then be more careful in the future. In general… Wandering alone in the night…""" text12983;"""I paused, picking my words carefully.""" text12984;"""…in your condition…""" text12985;"""What are you implying here?!""" text12986;"""I'm not implying anything! But let's be honest: I'm the more sober of us. At least, for now.""" text12987;"""I'm not going to listen to all this… coming from you!""" text12988;"""Well then…""" text12989;"""I was about to leave, but Ellie seemed to remember something.""" text12990;"""Wait… wasn't that girl in your group… Caitlin, Courtney…""" text12991;"""Catherine?""" text12992;"""Yes, right, Catherine!""" text12993;"""What about her?""" text12994;"""I immediately grew suspicious, and Ellie lost all her fire, like she'd said something she shouldn't have…""" text12995;"""Well, I don't know if I should tell you…""" text12996;"""Trust me you should! She and I are together… were together… Actually I may be the only person who should be told this!""" text12997;"""Wow, a macho man!""" text12998;"""Ellie's drunk smirk didn't look very attractive.""" text12999;"""If you know anything…""" text13000;"""Well… Not that I know… Just heard something. You must know, my grandfather, he's…""" text13001;"""Her expression became serious, as if she was speaking about something unpleasant.""" text13002;"""I know who your grandfather is.""" text13003;"""Yeah, so… I just overheard… I mean, I didn't mean to eavesdrop! But it just happened this way!""" text13004;"""I got it, I got it.""" text13005;"""Grandpa was talking with someone on the phone and mentioned this name a few times. Catherine… I forgot the surname.""" text13006;"""Winters.""" text13007;"""Yes, right. Caitlin Winters!""" text13008;"""Catherine Winters.""" text13009;"""What did I say?""" text13010;"""Ellie asked, confused.""" text13011;"""Jesus… So what was he saying about her?""" text13012;"""I didn't really hear it clearly… I wasn't eavesdropping remember, just passing by! That door is hard to close, so it was slightly opened. I've been asking a servant to fix it or call someone to have it fixed for a while already…""" text13013;"""Can you just cut to the chase?""" text13014;"""I was trying to talk calmly, but inside me my emotions were boiling.""" text13015;"""Grandpa said that they need to move her somewhere, that it's not safe to keep her in the old place. He mentioned that the Americans got too close to something.""" text13016;"""Are you sure you got it right?""" text13017;"""Do you think I'm an idiot?!""" text13018;"""She asked with indignation.""" text13019;"""No. Is that all you heard?""" text13020;"""Yes.""" text13021;"""Thank you, you've helped me a lot!""" text13022;"""I hope your friend is going to be okay.""" text13023;"""You know, it's hard to live knowing that your family is responsible for a lot of things you don't even want to think about.""" text13024;"""So you believe your grandfather could somehow harm Catherine?""" text13025;"""I don't know and I hope not. But it's obvious he couldn't have got where he is having always been a good Samaritan.""" text13026;"""You don't seem to be doing much to defend him.""" text13027;"""Well he's put me through a lot too!""" text13028;"""If you remember anything else…""" text13029;"""I checked my pockets, but, obviously, there was no pen and paper.""" text13030;"""Telephone… Telephone…""" text13031;"""Here.""" text13032;"""Ellie gave me a marker.""" text13033;"""I use it for autographs. But there's nothing you can write the number on. Oh, hold on.""" text13034;"""She rolled up the sleeve of her jacket.""" text13035;"""Are you sure?""" text13036;"""Let's just say you gave me an autograph.""" text13037;"""I quickly wrote my number on her arm.""" text13038;"""Should I see you home? It's night.""" text13039;"""No need. A car will pick me up, and…""" text13040;"""It's better if they don't see you.""" text13041;"""I'll call you if I hear anything new.""" text13042;"""Ellie said and staggeringly disappeared into the darkness.""" text13043;"""Well damn…""" text13044;"""When I had almost come to terms with the thought that Catherine had disappeared from my life forever…""" text13045;"""Of course! Everything was coming together!""" text13046;"""Your first assumption is often the right one, and I hadn't believed the story about Catherine returning to the US from the very beginning.""" text13047;"""She was kidnapped, that's all!""" text13048;"""I even had a suspect now — Kobayashi Corporation!""" text13049;"""I was blaming myself for rejecting the idea of searching for Katya so easily.""" text13050;"""If not for Ellie, I would've never learned what had happened!""" text13051;"""I was flying home as if I had wings.""" text13052;"""But while I could suspect Kobayashi Corporation as much as I wanted — a peasant ought not complain about his lord.""" text13053;"""I couldn't just go to the police with my suspicions!""" text13054;"""Considering the size of the Corporation, I was sure that the police was receiving hundreds of such claims per year.""" text13055;"""They fired my husband — and he jumped from Tokyo Tower.""" text13056;"""People disappear every day — why not blame the Corporation of Evil for that.""" text13057;"""But harsh reality couldn't kill my newborn hope!""" text13058;"""I returned home, put the whiskey in the cupboard, washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and went to bed, to have a clear head tomorrow when I would declare my own personal war against the entire world.""" text13059;"""…"""