text10468;"""I most likely had nightmares, but they were forgotten as soon as I opened my eyes."""
text10469;"""That happens: you fall asleep delirious, fighting off demons and losing your mind, but all the horrors then vanish from memory without a trace, like predawn mist in the first rays of sun."""
text10470;"""I felt disgusting — sick and powerless."""
text10471;"""The clock was saying nine A.M."""
text10472;"""With effort, I managed to get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, and cook breakfast."""
text10473;"""I ate it and returned to my room."""
text10474;"""And only then realized that the rest of the day — all fifteen or however many hours — would be a pointless interval between one nightmare and the next."""
text10475;"""Of course, I wanted to know the truth, but, at the same time, I was too scared of it."""
text10476;"""Although things were pretty obvious as it was — by convincing myself that Catherine hadn't given a straight answer, and therefore it was too early to draw conclusions, I was just turning a blind eye to the facts."""
text10477;"""Himitsu couldn't have come up with such a terrible lie herself, and Catherine's reaction made it clear that it wasn't a lie at all!"""
text10478;"""However, I couldn't sort out my own feelings."""
text10479;"""Catherine had been pregnant?"""
text10480;"""It means that we could have had a child…"""
text10481;"""Had I ever thought about our relationship in that context?"""
text10482;"""Naturally I had, but somewhere down the road — in a few years, five years, ten years…"""
text10483;"""An indefinite period of time that could as well be an eternity."""
text10484;"""But definitely not now!"""
text10485;"""I tried to imagine what would have happened, if…"""
text10486;"""…"""
text10487;"""I let out a dull groan and fell onto the bed."""
text10488;"""What if she had an abortion? Without even talking to me!"""
text10489;"""Was I a cousin seven thrice removed or something?! With no right to make my voice heard and unworthy of being informed about the situation?!"""
text10490;"""I clenched my fists so hard they hurt."""
text10491;"""If that was the case, I couldn't even imagine how I would feel about Catherine now…"""
text10492;"""Hatred, pity?"""
text10493;"""She had her own reasons?"""
text10494;"""But what about me? What about our child?"""
text10495;"""I convinced myself so firmly that she had an abortion that I was shaking in pointless anger. That feeling, however, gave me some strength."""
text10496;"""I jumped off the bed and dashed to the hall."""
text10497;"""I quickly dialed her number — what if she was at home?"""
text10498;"""The long beeps sonorously echoed in my head."""
text10499;"""Hello?"""
text10500;"""Her mother picked up the phone."""
text10501;"""I wondered if she ever goes to work."""
text10502;"""Is Catherine home?"""
text10503;"""I blurted out at once."""
text10504;"""Ah, Nikolai, I was just thinking about you—"""
text10505;"""Is Catherine home?!"""
text10506;"""I interrupted her rudely."""
text10507;"""No… She's at school."""
text10508;"""Mrs Winters didn't reply immediately, and I could hear bewilderment in her voice."""
text10509;"""Thank you."""
text10510;"""I hung up and ran to change my clothes."""
text10511;"""…"""
text10512;"""I stormed into the class during recess."""
text10513;"""I guess I got lucky, even though at that point neither the teacher nor by all my classmates together would've stopped me."""
text10514;"""I dashed to Catherine and grabbed her hand firmly."""
text10515;"""We need to talk!"""
text10516;"""I had no idea what it looked like, because the entire surrounding world no longer mattered to me."""
text10517;"""Catherine seemed to be expecting it and wasn't even surprised."""
text10518;"""She obediently stood up and followed me, even though I was dragging her along like a dog."""
text10519;"""To the roof!"""
text10520;"""I only hoped that Kagome wasn't there."""
text10521;"""Fortunately, there was only the wind, dismally whining through ventilation grates."""
text10522;"""You're about to answer for everything!"""
text10523;"""I shouted, having completely lost my mind."""
text10524;"""Catherine was standing there and looking at me like a martyr expecting her execution."""
text10525;"""I can understand you ditching me, leaving without saying a word!"""
text10526;"""I can understand your attitude now!"""
text10527;"""In the end, it isn't really my business — it's yours!"""
text10528;"""But the child, Katya! You had no right to make a decision like that alone…"""
text10529;"""What decision?"""
text10530;"""Catherine screamed and tears burst out of her eyes."""
text10531;"""You're going to blame me for getting pregnant from you?!"""
text10532;"""Of course not! I understand it was… an accident. But you didn't have the right to get rid of our child!"""
text10533;"""Do you think I wanted to? Or do you think I did it on purpose? I had a miscarriage!"""
text10534;"""These words struck me like a lightning bolt."""
text10535;"""Why didn't I think of the most obvious explanation right away…?"""
text10536;"""As soon as mom found out, she immediately flew me to the States."""
text10537;"""I couldn't refuse — I simply didn't know what to do! At that age… You have no right to blame me!"""
text10538;"""I wasn't in a condition to decide anything… Mom told me that we were leaving — and we did. Mom told me not to communicate with you anymore — and I didn't."""
text10539;"""I was a little girl driven to a corner — what do you want from me?!"""
text10540;"""But in the end, I wrote you the letter anyway!"""
text10541;"""That bloody letter!"""
text10542;"""And I thought that you knew everything and were blaming me for it. I was blaming myself…"""
text10543;"""And then… when I realized you hadn't read it… I thought that I could keep this a secret forever."""
text10544;"""If you never found out, then, maybe…"""
text10545;"""Catherine was bawling, and it was the first time I'd seen her like that — turned inside-out, her feelings exposed, without any secrets or mysteries."""
text10546;"""So…"""
text10547;"""I barely managed to say."""
text10548;"""You wanted to keep the child?"""
text10549;"""Yes!"""
text10550;"""She exclaimed."""
text10551;"""I was too scared and didn't know what to do when my mother took me away from Japan."""
text10552;"""I'm sorry, but I didn't have the strength to go against her."""
text10553;"""In the States, I managed to get myself together, but it was too late…"""
text10554;"""I was looking at Katya, with each second feeling more and more pathetic."""
text10555;"""But how did you know that I hadn't read the letter?"""
text10556;"""The envelope was sealed."""
text10557;"""So it was her who stole it from my house after all."""
text10558;"""But, if you knew I hadn't read the letter, you could have just told me…"""
text10559;"""I was afraid, understand?! I lived with the thought that you hated me for so long!"""
text10560;"""When I didn't get a response from you… And when I returned to Japan I didn't know how to behave."""
text10561;"""And then I started to hope that I could leave it all in the past!"""
text10562;"""I even managed to convince myself that it was for the better — you didn't have to know. That it was fate and nobody's fault!"""
text10563;"""That we were finally given a second chance — to start again, not looking back…"""
text10564;"""And that's how it would've been if not for Himitsu…"""
text10565;"""What is better — to live in ignorance or suffer knowing the truth?"""
text10566;"""Right now I couldn't answer this question."""
text10567;"""In any case, it wasn't enough for her to just spy on me — instead, she decided to take her revenge!"""
text10568;"""Revenge for what?!"""
text10569;"""But… How did she learn about Catherine's pregnancy in the first place?!"""
text10570;"""Why… did Himitsu know?"""
text10571;"""Catherine somewhat calmed down and wiped her tears."""
text10572;"""When I realized I was pregnant, I was afraid to tell you right away, much less my mom."""
text10573;"""It was unbearable to go through all that alone, to keep it all inside."""
text10574;"""I didn't know who else to talk to! I had no one except you…"""
text10575;"""Then I thought that your friend would understand me. As a woman."""
text10576;"""But she heard me out, gave me some support, and then immediately told my mom about everything!"""
text10577;"""Himitsu…"""
text10578;"""I didn't know and I couldn't have known that she was such a two-faced bitch!"""
text10579;"""I even considered her a friend to some extent…"""
text10580;"""Naturally, I knew that she loved you too, but… She didn't do anyone good with that!"""
text10581;"""I couldn't say a thing — Catherine's tearful revelation left no space for anything else in my heart."""
text10582;"""It felt as though I was witnessing all the pain together with her all over again."""
text10583;"""So what do you say? Still want to love this me?"""
text10584;"""Catherine made a little smile."""
text10585;"""What can I say… My entire world fell apart yesterday."""
text10586;"""You know, I've never really thought seriously that we could have children…"""
text10587;"""I would have never refused a baby! And I still love you no matter what!"""
text10588;"""You're so childish and idealistic… Although I'm not any better."""
text10589;"""Two cripples have found each other."""
text10590;"""She smirked — and the usual Catherine was before me once again."""
text10591;"""It's hard for me to accept all that. Just half an hour ago I thought… I mean… I'm sorry!"""
text10592;"""I sighed and sat down heavily on the bench."""
text10593;"""How did you even manage to go to school today?"""
text10594;"""I just didn't want to be home alone. Not with my mother…"""
text10595;"""But she cares about you, if she managed to take you away so quickly back then."""
text10596;"""She just did what she thought was right — nothing to do with caring."""
text10597;"""She must have had to explain a sudden exit like that to her bosses. Considering the specificity of her job…"""
text10598;"""Maybe you're right."""
text10599;"""Catherine smiled sadly."""
text10600;"""I wanted her to sit next to me and to hug her, but she kept standing, shielding me from the cold autumn wind."""
text10601;"""Also… you sneaked into my house! That's burglary!"""
text10602;"""I tried to joke."""
text10603;"""It wasn't that hard — you showed me how to do it yourself."""
text10604;"""True enough. But why?"""
text10605;"""First I rang the bell, but nobody opened… Anyway, what does it matter?"""
text10606;"""I sighed again and tried to collect my thoughts — too many questions required immediate answers."""
text10607;"""When did the miscarriage happen?"""
text10608;"""My belly hadn't grown yet."""
text10609;"""Would it influence… well… I heard that…"""
text10610;"""Seeing my embarrassment, Katya finished for me:"""
text10611;"""The ability to have children in the future?"""
text10612;"""Yes."""
text10613;"""I barely managed to reply."""
text10614;"""I don't know. Do you want to find out?"""
text10615;"""I was always surprised by how she could be ironic in even the most serious situations."""
text10616;"""It must've been a defensive reaction — like quills for a porcupine."""
text10617;"""You could've told me… We could've found a solution. Together."""
text10618;"""She finally shivered and sat down."""
text10619;"""We were separated by just half a meter, but it seemed to me that Catherine was very far away — on the other side of an ocean of suffering she had to endure alone for the past year and a half."""
text10620;"""Maybe. I've run through this scenario in my head so many times it's hard to tell reality from my dreams."""
text10621;"""I only look strong, you know."""
text10622;"""She laughed quietly and immediately sobbed."""
text10623;"""In reality, I'm a coward and immediately feel lost as soon as things start going sour and I need to make a decision."""
text10624;"""Telling me all that takes courage too."""
text10625;"""I tried to cheer her up."""
text10626;"""Courage that I had to spend a year and a half gathering? That's nothing impressive."""
text10627;"""Have you really been beating yourself up all this time just like me?"""
text10628;"""Catherine didn't respond."""
text10629;"""Sorry. It's just hard to think that everything could've been so different but wasn't…"""
text10630;"""Just because someone didn't say the right words."""
text10631;"""See, now you're blaming me…"""
text10632;"""No, not at all!"""
text10633;"""I started waving my hands in refusal."""
text10634;"""I'm talking about myself. I could have been more persistent and… not let you go… I don't know!"""
text10635;"""I could've done something differently!"""
text10636;"""All these what-ifs will drive you into a dead end. I know."""
text10637;"""So what… what next?"""
text10638;"""A long silence hung in the air."""
text10639;"""I could hear children playing football in the playground, cars rattling busily down the street as they drove their owners to attend to some undoubtedly important businesses, and the wind wearily blowing in the sky, getting lost in the endless transmission lines."""
text10640;"""Many families don't survive losing a child, so where did that leave us?"""
text10641;"""Our relationship — this entire game of eternal love right out of heaven on my side — was it even worth it?"""
text10642;"""Was it that important who really was to blame if both of us kept suffering?"""
text10643;"""I will understand if this is our last conversation."""
text10644;"""Last conversation…?"""
text10645;"""Catherine looked at me with confusion in her eyes."""
text10646;"""I'm grateful you told me all this, of course, but I understand that it's hard for you to…"""
text10647;"""\""To see me\"" — I swallowed."""
text10648;"""You know, I didn't even think that I would ever return to Japan. I didn't even want to — I was sure you hated me…"""
text10649;"""If not for mom… If you had read that letter… Fate's weaved a strange web here."""
text10650;"""She was fiddling with the edge of her skirt."""
text10651;"""You know I don't believe in fate."""
text10652;"""Call it what you will, it's not just because of us that things turned out like this."""
text10653;"""I'm still sure we're the ones who define our fate!"""
text10654;"""I wish I had your confidence…"""
text10655;"""There's nothing difficult about it! In fact it's stupid to believe in something blindly, ignoring everyone and everything in the process. Even the most obvious things."""
text10656;"""So what do you believe in now?"""
text10657;"""I lowered my eyes and noticed a bug slowly running across the concrete."""
text10658;"""If I hadn't paid attention to it at that moment, I could've crushed the innocent insect a second later."""
text10659;"""And then, for him, would this death become the decree of fate or just an unlucky coincidence?"""
text10660;"""And what was the difference anyway?"""
text10661;"""I want to believe that nobody is to blame for what happened."""
text10662;"""I want to believe that we both can live with it."""
text10663;"""I just want to believe in something better, even if it's a childish dream, that we're fated…"""
text10664;"""I smirked."""
text10665;"""It's so weird: I was just denying fate and now I'm saying \""fated\""…"""
text10666;"""Whatever. I want to believe we are fated to be together!"""
text10667;"""And, you know, now I love you even more than before!"""
text10668;"""Even if it sounds silly and—"""
text10669;"""No, it's not silly at all!"""
text10670;"""Catherine interrupted me passionately and took me by the hand."""
text10671;"""If you didn't say things like that, we wouldn't be sitting here."""
text10672;"""Well, words are just wind."""
text10673;"""Not when they come from the heart."""
text10674;"""I looked at Catherine and couldn't understand her metamorphosis — I'd expect to hear something like that from Himitsu."""
text10675;"""But you were right when you said we were nothing like Romeo and Juliet."""
text10676;"""She immediately grew gloomy."""
text10677;"""My mom…"""
text10678;"""Let's not talk about this now! There's only one thing that matters to me…"""
text10679;"""I squeezed her hand tighter, but Catherine looked away."""
text10680;"""I still need time…"""
text10681;"""Yes, of course…"""
text10682;"""I replied and immediately scolded myself for the traces of annoyance that appeared in my voice."""
text10683;"""You know where to find me."""
text10684;"""The bell rang — announcing the end or the beginning of a break."""
text10685;"""Catherine stood up, seeming livelier, straightened her skirt with a casual gesture, and smiled."""
text10686;"""See you."""
text10687;"""And I was left alone with the wind who, if it was a human, would definitely be wearing a grey suit."""
text10688;"""It turned out that the bell had been ringing for a break."""
text10689;"""I was aimlessly walking down the corridor — I had no desire to return to the classroom, there wasn't much sense to it."""
text10690;"""Besides, Catherine said that she needed some time."""
text10691;"""I decided not to disturb her by hanging around, since she hadn't gone home and intended to finish class."""
text10692;"""Was all this really happening to me?"""
text10693;"""I was desperately driving away the thought that Catherine was to blame anyway — at least for not telling me about the child when she had the opportunity."""
text10694;"""And, to be frank, her excuses sounded pathetic!"""
text10695;"""The lives of other people — even unborn ones — shouldn't depend on some girl's unstable hormones!"""
text10696;"""If you don't know what to do, ask for advice!"""
text10697;"""Ask the child's God damn father for advice!"""
text10698;"""I was gritting my teeth walking down the school corridors, staring at something in the distance, maybe even at something in another reality."""
text10699;"""I was going down the stairs and then…"""
text10700;"""Boom!"""
text10701;"""A girl jumped out from behind the corner and bumped into me."""
text10702;"""The multi colored papers she was holding flew all over the place."""
text10703;"""I grabbed one automatically — it was a flier for a Z FEEL-Z concert…"""
text10704;"""Logically, the careless girl turned out to be Kobayashi Ellie."""
text10705;"""I helped her to her feet."""
text10706;"""It seems we've already met under similar circumstances…"""
text10707;"""That's because you don't watch where you go!"""
text10708;"""Well, at least I don't run in the corridors."""
text10709;"""What's the point of talking with you?! It's useless!"""
text10710;"""She pouted and started collecting the flyers lying all over the corridor."""
text10711;"""Let me help."""
text10712;"""No need, I'll handle it myself!"""
text10713;"""Well if it's my fault like you say it is, then it makes sense for me to take responsibility."""
text10714;"""The Japanese expression I used could be interpreted rather ambiguously, and Ellie smiled."""
text10715;"""Be so kind as to help me then."""
text10716;"""I've been to one of your concerts by the way, I liked it."""
text10717;"""I'd have to be blind not to have noticed you."""
text10718;"""You seem to have a fixation, Kobayashi-san!"""
text10719;"""Fix…"""
text10720;"""Ellie flared up and almost dropped the pack of flyers she had just collected to the floor."""
text10721;"""A fixation? When you were staring at me the entire concert?!"""
text10722;"""My excuse is that you're the lead singer — it makes sense the audience would be looking at you."""
text10723;"""And then isn't it weird that you didn't like me looking at you in particular?"""
text10724;"""That's because…"""
text10725;"""She blushed and turned away."""
text10726;"""Everyone else is normal, you aren't!"""
text10727;"""I looked at myself demonstratively."""
text10728;"""What's not normal about me, exactly? Oh, I know! You're some sort of mind-reading psychic!"""
text10729;"""I would never want to read your mind! I'd never manage to get clean enough after!"""
text10730;"""If you want to know, I've never thought about you that way! Spare me your dirty insinuations!"""
text10731;"""I abruptly handed the flyers I'd picked up to her."""
text10732;"""I have a girlfriend, you know!"""
text10733;"""Ellie's anger looked so amusing, and I got so absorbed in making fun of her, that I completely lost touch with reality."""
text10734;"""But it didn't seem like she was taking my words too seriously either."""
text10735;"""And I feel very sorry for her! If I were in her place…"""
text10736;"""An awkward pause hung in the air — Ellie gradually started to realize what she was about to say."""
text10737;"""I didn't meant that I want to…"""
text10738;"""I mean…"""
text10739;"""Things always go wrong with you!"""
text10740;"""She pressed the flyers to her chest, turned on her heels with one sharp motion, as if in a dance, and walked away."""
text10741;"""I'll come!"""
text10742;"""I shouted after her and deftly spun a flier I'd kept for myself in my hand."""
text10743;"""…"""
text10744;"""That silly interlude cheered me up a bit, I even managed to forget about Catherine for a while."""
text10745;"""Well, not really — our problems just kind of faded into the background for a moment."""
text10746;"""Was something so small enough to outweigh matters of life and death?"""
text10747;"""Man is such a strange creature…"""
text10748;"""I was pointlessly wondering the city. I didn't want to go home — didn't want to be near Himitsu or even know she was somewhere nearby, just across the street."""
text10749;"""Thinking up another plan or discussing the next steps of Japanese secret service with her father!"""
text10750;"""And just like that encounter with Ellie had distracted me from other thoughts, the truth that had been finally revealed had made me forget about the spy games I was stuck in."""
text10751;"""Now Mrs Winters' behavior seemed even stranger — if she knew everything all along…"""
text10752;"""For a mother in a situation like that, the bastard who knocked up her daughter would always be to blame!"""
text10753;"""And I was somehow convinced that this was the case even for Sheryl Winters, with all her cold rationality."""
text10754;"""Cold… Rationality…"""
text10755;"""I said out loud in Russian, and a woman of indeterminate age with two weighty bags in her hands eyed me suspiciously."""
text10756;"""But what, in the end, was my trust based on?"""
text10757;"""On love, on the belief that Catherine had never lied to me openly?"""
text10758;"""I could hardly doubt the pregnancy —it would be an overly complicated, and more importantly, absolutely unnecessary story to justify her unexpected departure from Japan…"""
text10759;"""But the miscarriage!"""
text10760;"""I immediately recalled Catherine's crying face — no, back then, on the roof, she was definitely telling me the truth."""
text10761;"""I felt disgusted by my doubts regarding Katya's honesty."""
text10762;"""Meanwhile in Tokyo the work day was ending and the endless crowds of office workers flowed to the nearest underground stations."""
text10763;"""I walked upstream, like a breakwater they had to pass around on their way home."""
text10764;"""Nobody paid attention to me, just like no one pays attention to headwind as long as it's not strong enough to knock you over."""
text10765;"""It was surprisingly easy to maneuver among the waves of grey suits — I felt like a shark surrounded by small fish."""
text10766;"""Nobody was trying to bump into me, moreover — everyone was trying their best to avoid any collision."""
text10767;"""Probably because that could lead to being a few seconds late for the train."""
text10768;"""It's much easier to just ignore an obstacle and let someone else handle it."""
text10769;"""Could I ignore what Catherine had done?"""
text10770;"""Or at least ignore the fact that she didn't tell me anything back then?"""
text10771;"""Along with the change that I was taking out of my pocket to buy a bottle of water from a vending machine, a crumpled flyer for Ellie's concert fell to the ground."""
text10772;"""I picked it up from the asphalt, straightened the glossy paper, and took a closer look."""
text10773;"""It was a normal nightclub flier."""
text10774;"""Ellie had definitely had at least a couple hundred of them."""
text10775;"""I wondered how much printing them cost."""
text10776;"""Although \""money\"" and \""Kobayashi\"" were nearly synonymous."""
text10777;"""More importantly, popularity can't exactly be bought with money — that sincere reaction of the crowd I saw at their concert."""
text10778;"""The girl is doing her best too, she really is…"""
text10779;"""This time nobody heard me, and I walked in the direction of the nightclub, carelessly twirling the flier in my hands."""
text10780;"""Only an idiot like me would go to a rock concert while still dealing with Catherine and all that spy drama."""
text10781;"""But my ruminations had brought me to a complete dead-end — I needed a reboot."""
text10782;"""A light rain covered Tokyo, and by the time I found myself at the club, I was all wet."""
text10783;"""There was an excited crowd of young people gathered in front of the entrance — apparently, the concert was yet to start."""
text10784;"""I shivered and walked to a vending machine to buy a warm drink when I suddenly felt someone staring at me."""
text10785;"""I turned around but nobody seemed to raise any particular suspicion."""
text10786;"""Of course, someone could be spying on me — moreover, someone most likely was!"""
text10787;"""The KGB, the CIA, the Japanese…"""
text10788;"""But in the look I had felt — if I was right — was something unexpected: resentment, anger, hatred, cold fury?"""
text10789;"""That wasn't something I'd expect from a professional spy."""
text10790;"""I turned back to the selection of drinks, but at almost the same moment someone called out to me."""
text10791;"""Hey!"""
text10792;"""Kagome appeared behind my back."""
text10793;"""Had it been her look…?"""
text10794;"""Came to see Z FEEL-Z too?"""
text10795;"""I said unsurely and immediately felt cornered."""
text10796;"""She took a step forward and ended up right in front of me."""
text10797;"""Seems you didn't understand me when I told you I expect information."""
text10798;"""Don't remember you hiring me as an informant."""
text10799;"""I snapped back, nowhere near as confidently as I wanted to."""
text10800;"""Have you been following me?"""
text10801;"""I was just checking if you were followed."""
text10802;"""If I was followed!"""
text10803;"""I threw my hands up in the air."""
text10804;"""Just look at you! Since when did you become a spy?"""
text10805;"""Since someone kidnapped my father, remember?"""
text10806;"""Sorry, but I have nothing to do with your problems, and even if I wanted to—"""
text10807;"""She interrupted me rudely:"""
text10808;"""For a person who has nothing to do with them, you sure are suspiciously close to the people who clearly have something to do with them!"""
text10809;"""And who would they be?"""
text10810;"""That American girl, for one."""
text10811;"""It felt like electricity ran through my entire body."""
text10812;"""Don't you dare drag Catherine into all this!"""
text10813;"""I saw you two on the roof today."""
text10814;"""Kagome smirked victoriously and crossed her arms across her chest."""
text10815;"""And you heard…"""
text10816;"""No. I heard nothing, but it's enough for me to know that her mother works for the CIA and is related to the Project!"""
text10817;"""Catherine has nothing to do with her mother's affairs!"""
text10818;"""So you aren't even denying that you knew all along?"""
text10819;"""I'm not about to give you any excuses!"""
text10820;"""Kagome grit her teeth and frowned."""
text10821;"""It's like you just stubbornly refuse to understand what's really going on!"""
text10822;"""Oh, enlighten me then!"""
text10823;"""If you don't care about your own life, at least think about others."""
text10824;"""Is that a threat?"""
text10825;"""Take it as you wish."""
text10826;"""Iwamura, what do you want from me?"""
text10827;"""I tried to calm down and looked her up and down — obviously the only threat she posed was her shitty personality."""
text10828;"""I know that… that you know something! What did they offer you so you wouldn't tell me anything?!"""
text10829;"""You're paranoid, seriously! Just listen to yourself!"""
text10830;"""They killed my parents, too!"""
text10831;"""A whole palette of emotions passed over Kagome's face in a couple of seconds."""
text10832;"""Then I don't understand how you can talk with your enemies so casually…"""
text10833;"""You mean Catherine? She's not my enemy! Besides, our relationship is none of your business!"""
text10834;"""Your relationship?"""
text10835;"""She scoffed and took a half step back."""
text10836;"""I see now! How didn't I figure it out right away?!"""
text10837;"""I'm happy you're happy…"""
text10838;"""I'm not damn happy!"""
text10839;"""She hissed, looking like she was about to pounce on me."""
text10840;"""I really don't understand what you want from me."""
text10841;"""Maybe I really knew more than I was telling her, but at this moment Kagome wasn't exactly inspiring trust."""
text10842;"""And why are you trying to get to me alone so persistently? Go to Kobayashi Corporation yourself, I don't know…"""
text10843;"""I already have."""
text10844;"""She scoffed, sighed, and closed her eyes."""
text10845;"""I see I've been standing out in the rain for nothing — you're useless!"""
text10846;"""Maybe if you treated people like people rather than irritating obstacles you have to share a planet with, you'd get different results!"""
text10847;"""So that's how you're talking now!"""
text10848;"""Her expression softened, and Kagome started looking like a normal girl again rather than a serial killer."""
text10849;"""I hope you sort out your… relationship."""
text10850;"""Before it's too late."""
text10851;"""She said, made a vague gesture with her hand that could just as easily mean a farewell as a send off to an unmounted erotic journey, and disappeared in the crowd."""
text10852;"""…"""
text10853;"""Jealousy is generally not in my character, but sometimes I really wanted to be a bit more persistent, talented, and lucky…"""
text10854;"""I was looking over the heads of hundreds of people who had gathered here for the Z FEEL-Z concert, while sitting with slumped shoulders at the bar."""
text10855;"""Maybe I just wasn't fated to have all that?"""
text10856;"""Just yesterday I was telling Catherine that I didn't believe in this silly stuff, but now I was here, and somewhere over there, in the dressing room, Kobayashi Ellie was preparing to perform on stage."""
text10857;"""Is a talented person talented in everything?"""
text10858;"""What if she didn't even have to put in any effort to accomplish all that?"""
text10859;"""What if hard work and diligence are a mantra made up for us by the powers that be?"""
text10860;"""A carrot for a donkey, a prayer for a believer, a placebo for a dying person?"""
text10861;"""I couldn't imagine myself standing on the stage next to Ellie — and I suddenly felt deeply disgusted being in a crowd of her fans."""
text10862;"""…"""
text10863;"""I was just about to leave when I noticed a weird girl who clearly stood out in the crowd."""
text10864;"""Right, she wasn't Japanese! Took a moment to realize."""
text10865;"""Moreover, she seemed to be the singer for the band who had just performed."""
text10866;"""Not that I had really been paying attention, caught up in my own head."""
text10867;"""The girl's predatory gaze darted back and forth through the hall, looking for someone."""
text10868;"""And when it fell on me, she froze and smiled."""
text10869;"""I even crouched to hide behind the short Japanese, but it didn't help — the girl darted in my direction, deftly elbowing aside anyone who would end up in her way."""
text10870;"""Just when Z FEEL-Z walked onto the stage."""
text10871;"""Hello there!"""
text10872;"""She reached me before I managed to escape."""
text10873;"""I wouldn't have managed as well as her anyway — it's easier to navigate a crowd when you're about the same height as it."""
text10874;"""Hi…"""
text10875;"""I automatically responded in Japanese."""
text10876;"""I don't speak Japanese."""
text10877;"""The girl, meanwhile, was speaking English."""
text10878;"""Why?"""
text10879;"""I smiled stupidly, at the same time examining her up close."""
text10880;"""Cause I'm from America."""
text10881;"""She looked very vibrant — as the lead singer of a rock band should."""
text10882;"""Uh-huh, gotcha…"""
text10883;"""I was sure she needed something from me, but at the same time wasn't ready to make any new acquaintances, much less acquaintances of this kind."""
text10884;"""And you?"""
text10885;"""Me what?"""
text10886;"""Where are you from?"""
text10887;"""Oh… I'm from here."""
text10888;"""Here?"""
text10889;"""She screwed her lips in discontent and spread her arms wide, touching the people around us."""
text10890;"""Well, I mean, yeah… no… I'm Russian!"""
text10891;"""There was an energy emanating from this girl, the same kind that Ellie was currently radiating from the stage."""
text10892;"""Except their colors were different."""
text10893;"""And I'm Sarah Miller. Nice to meet you, Russian!"""
text10894;"""She confidently gave me her hand."""
text10895;"""No, I wanted to say, my name is Nikolai. Nick."""
text10896;"""Okay, Nick."""
text10897;"""I responded to her handshake, and there was something strange and wrong to this gesture, something distant, accidentally brought in with migrating birds from another continent."""
text10898;"""Do you like Rock, Nick?"""
text10899;"""Sarah said the word \""Rock\"" in some special way — on her lips, it sounded like the blow of a hammer against an anvil."""
text10900;"""Well, yeah…"""
text10901;"""How did you like my band?"""
text10902;"""It's good…"""
text10903;"""In reality I hadn't really been listening to it, so I immediately felt uncomfortable and my eyes started darting around the club, quickly stopping on Ellie."""
text10904;"""You like them better huh?"""
text10905;"""Sarah made a thoughtful expression and focused on the music, looking like an expert."""
text10906;"""I didn't really mean…"""
text10907;"""I suddenly felt repulsed by my own indecisiveness."""
text10908;"""Yes, she was an unusual girl, an American, the lead singer of a rock band — so what?"""
text10909;"""At this moment, I was seeing her for the first and last time."""
text10910;"""I just know the girl on stage."""
text10911;"""I nodded in the direction of Ellie."""
text10912;"""Is that so?"""
text10913;"""She smiled slyly and squinted, as if preparing the best joke of the year."""
text10914;"""How well do you two know each other?"""
text10915;"""Not very, we just go to the same school."""
text10916;"""If you want my opinion…"""
text10917;"""Sarah suddenly grew serious."""
text10918;"""She has potential, but she'll need to work a whooole lot more."""
text10919;"""…"""
text10920;"""I didn't know how to respond to that."""
text10921;"""And you know what's the best training for rock?"""
text10922;"""Quints…?"""
text10923;"""I let out a dumb giggle again."""
text10924;"""No, man! It's sex!"""
text10925;"""It took me a bit to realize what she said."""
text10926;"""Sex? Is that something like tapping?"""
text10927;"""You're not Japanese, and still you guys here are a bit… a bit…"""
text10928;"""She was failing to find a word — and I doubted it was because she didn't want to offend me."""
text10929;"""A bit what?"""
text10930;"""Repressed! Yeah, right! Repressed!"""
text10931;"""You could use a good fuck with that girl!"""
text10932;"""And it'd do her good too, I'll bet you!"""
text10933;"""I vividly imagined what Sarah was talking about. Perhaps in another life…"""
text10934;"""We're not in that kind of relationship, I told you! We're not in any kind, to be honest…"""
text10935;"""Reeeally? And I thought she'd been looking over here pretty often."""
text10936;"""Do you just do music or do you also have a part-time gig as a psychologist?"""
text10937;"""I started to lose my temper."""
text10938;"""Just believe my experience."""
text10939;"""I also didn't know rock, but then at a concert I fucked—"""
text10940;"""Stop!"""
text10941;"""I decisively interrupted her, raising my hands."""
text10942;"""I have exactly zero interest in your sexual exploits!"""
text10943;"""Alright. What matters is that you have an interest in that girl in leather."""
text10944;"""I'm not interested in her either. I have someone I love, you know…"""
text10945;"""Really?"""
text10946;"""Sarah drawled in disappointment."""
text10947;"""What band does she play in?"""
text10948;"""She doesn't… She's also American, but with much better manners than some."""
text10949;"""I said with embarrassment, as if I was ashamed of my feelings towards Catherine."""
text10950;"""But that's so boring!"""
text10951;"""When I saw you in the crowd, I immediately thought there was a fire in your eyes."""
text10952;"""Nick, you look like someone with rock in his soul."""
text10953;"""You know, you're right in a sense — there really is rock in my soul…"""
text10954;"""I could imagine you on the stage with a guitar. Have you ever played anything?"""
text10955;"""No…"""
text10956;"""I lied."""
text10957;"""Yeah, right…."""
text10958;"""She immediately lost all interest in me."""
text10959;"""I'm glad we came to an understanding."""
text10960;"""Good luck in life then, Russian Nick."""
text10961;"""She said in farewell and, deftly weaving between members of the audience, found her way to the green room and entered."""
text10962;"""What the hell even was that?!"""
text10963;"""I exhaled and cautiously looked around — afraid to find Z FEEL-Z's weird keyboardist nearby."""
text10964;"""Luckily for me, he was up on stage."""
text10965;"""I cast an askew glance at Ellie, trying to look like I was just listening to the performance."""
text10966;"""I didn't know what that was that Sarah got into her head, but Ellie was completely focused on the music and wasn't paying any attention to me."""
text10967;"""Something dropped in my chest — like I'd stood in line for the autographs of my favorite band and had missed out by a couple minutes."""
text10968;"""Sarah, Ellie…"""
text10969;"""Like day and night, they were completely different from each other, but like Sun and Moon, both radiated powerfully with life."""
text10970;"""And I didn't feel like I had a place next to them. Not here, not now."""
text10971;"""After rain, stars seem to shine brighter than usual."""
text10972;"""Covered in their silver, cold light, the city seemed to be all made of corners, like one of the paintings of a well-known cubist."""
text10973;"""The right parallelepipeds of the buildings seemed like the cubes of a child's construction kit, from which bizarre structures were thrown together without blueprints."""
text10974;"""Streets connected neighborhoods, becoming a circulatory system, the occasional car carried nerve impulses, and the asphalt and concrete were the skin of this creature my imagination had turned Tokyo into."""
text10975;"""I could feel I was burning…"""
text10976;"""I felt dizzy and had to lean against a wall in order not to fall down."""
text10977;"""Had I caught a cold?"""
text10978;"""I was ten minutes' walking distance from home, but those minutes seemed to stretch into an endless torture."""
text10979;"""I felt sick, the world swimming before eyes, the road under my feet became a swamp, and I had to constantly make an effort not to fall deep into it."""
text10980;"""I was delirious when I got home and couldn't get the key into the keyhole for a long time, but then finally opened the door."""
text10981;"""Should I call an ambulance?"""
text10982;"""For a second I thought that dying now wasn't the worst option, and was definitely the easiest."""
text10983;"""However, I somehow managed to crawl to my bed and fell into fevered oblivion."""