text9986;"""In my dream, I was having sex with Katya.""" text9987;"""It was long and thorough, somehow very adult, very different from how we did it in reality.""" text9988;"""I woke up extremely aroused, my bedsheets and the pillow damp with sweat.""" text9989;"""We have an interest in procreation coded into our genes, sure, but it was weird that I would appear to not have any issues of greater importance these days.""" text9990;"""Himitsu's father, Catherine's mother, Irina…""" text9991;"""All those events passed by like a whirlwind, leaving me amongst the ruins of my life.""" text9992;"""What could still be saved, and what had been destroyed completely?""" text9993;"""Even with the disastrous consequences of the forces of nature, I now had a moment of peace, a weird calm after the storm, where you haven't yet realized it's all over.""" text9994;"""You see the storm disappearing into the distance and turn around, seeing the evening sky touched by blue twilight, and only the uprooted trees remind you of nature's primal fury.""" text9995;"""But the view seems natural — as if it was always like this, as if it was the way it had to be.""" text9996;"""I was lying in bed and thinking whether to even make the effort to get up — to live through another pointless day.""" text9997;"""Irina had advised me to stay home — and I could just as well stay home positioned horizontally.""" text9998;"""Yesterday, Catherine… I still couldn't understand her!""" text9999;"""A step forward, then two steps back, running endlessly in place.""" text10000;"""Somebody quietly opened the front door.""" text10001;"""I had forgotten to lock it yesterday, hadn't I?""" text10002;"""Although, when you know a person your entire life, you learn to recognize their movements by ear.""" text10003;"""Only Himitsu opened the door like this.""" text10004;"""I quickly jumped up from the bed and got dressed.""" text10005;"""We entered the kitchen at the same moment.""" text10006;"""Niko-kun… Did you just get up?""" text10007;"""Something like that.""" text10008;"""I looked at the clock — it was still pretty early.""" text10009;"""Are you going to school?""" text10010;"""Didn't plan to.""" text10011;"""Her face seemed to lose all the colors of life.""" text10012;"""Himitsu looked — maybe not as much outwardly, but felt — ten years older than usual.""" text10013;"""She only needed a grey suit to complete the picture…""" text10014;"""Then I probably came here for nothing.""" text10015;"""…""" text10016;"""I don't even know why…""" text10017;"""Her lips suddenly curled into a creepy smile.""" text10018;"""I don't know why I came…""" text10019;"""It's like I was supposed to. Does it happen to you: you're doing something and don't really know why? Like a machine.""" text10020;"""I didn't know how to respond.""" text10021;"""It was difficult for me to be around Himitsu.""" text10022;"""After I learned the truth about her father, after the scene yesterday.""" text10023;"""These days, it seems to me… That for the longest time I've been doing silly things that nobody really needs!""" text10024;"""Like a stove that's been replaced with a new model and just thrown away since it's become useless.""" text10025;"""Or like a cleaning lady someone kicked out as soon as they bought the washing machine they'd wanted for so long.""" text10026;"""Niko-kun… why? It's not fair!""" text10027;"""She wasn't crying — as if all of her tears had dried up long ago.""" text10028;"""She wasn't even addressing me specifically, directing her pain at an invisible someone.""" text10029;"""Don't you feel sorry for me?""" text10030;"""Salting the wound!""" text10031;"""Do I deserve to be treated like this?""" text10032;"""Do I deserved to be spied on?""" text10033;"""What…? Spi… That's what you call all I've done for you?""" text10034;"""Yeah, you and your dad have done so much for me and my family the last ten years!""" text10035;"""Niko-kun…""" text10036;"""Himitsu whispered in a stranger's voice and lowered her head.""" text10037;"""I heard your father talking on the phone. About you handling the mission well!""" text10038;"""Niko-kun…""" text10039;"""And how he'd been spying on the Anokhins for a long time. Everything… I know everything now!""" text10040;"""Niko-kun… you don't understand at all!""" text10041;"""She said in the same quiet voice.""" text10042;"""Dad just… Dad just wants to protect you… us…""" text10043;"""And you have been helping him! How much have you already told him?""" text10044;"""Did everything you heard here in the evenings end up in reports to Japanese intelligence the next morning?""" text10045;"""Niko-kun…""" text10046;"""Enough! I don't want to see you in this house anymore! I don't want to know you! I don't want to be a surveilled!""" text10047;"""If these ten… ten damned years, sunshine! If these ten years were a lie, then… then…""" text10048;"""I was losing my breath and couldn't find the right words.""" text10049;"""It's hard to believe I could be so wrong about someone! Have you been lying to me the entire time?""" text10050;"""What if I have?""" text10051;"""She suddenly shouted, throwing her head up, a pointless fury flashing in her eyes.""" text10052;"""What are you going to do about it? Do you think you can take an even more painful revenge on me?!""" text10053;"""Revenge…? Who's talking about revenge?""" text10054;"""What is this then, Niko-kun?! Do you really think I was telling dad about your life, what we talked about… and even if I did…""" text10055;"""Do you think I did it to hurt you?!""" text10056;"""Do you think I'm capable of that?!""" text10057;"""I don't know what you're capable of anymore…""" text10058;"""I mumbled and turned away.""" text10059;"""Of course, it was hard to believe that Himitsu had been lying to me in cold blood all those years, but now she wasn't even denying it!""" text10060;"""What was this all for then?!""" text10061;"""Because I want to protect you…""" text10062;"""From who — myself?!""" text10063;"""If I need to.""" text10064;"""Are kindness and care alone enough to be loved?""" text10065;"""Himitsu believed so.""" text10066;"""She believed that feelings appear by themselves, as a consequence, just because you've shown love to another person for years.""" text10067;"""But the heart wants what it wants!""" text10068;"""I'm sorry, but I don't love you. I don't know what reasons you had to do what you did. I don't know if you really were spying on me my entire life.""" text10069;"""But I know one thing: I love Catherine, and I can't lose her because of you!""" text10070;"""Sunshine…""" text10071;"""I started with a habit, but stopped myself.""" text10072;"""Himitsu, I never intended to make a choice between you and her… Not like this!""" text10073;"""But don't try to blackmail me! I'm grateful for everything you've done for me, but that can't replace my true feelings.""" text10074;"""I can't mechanically reciprocate your love just because the amount of good you've done by me has grown large enough.""" text10075;"""This isn't an RPG, you don't get a new ability just because you've gained enough XP!""" text10076;"""So you're saying that… Niko-kun!""" text10077;"""Her pupils shrunk into two dots burning with hatred.""" text10078;"""You're saying that you're going to love this bitch after all she's done to you?!""" text10079;"""I don't think we should continue this conversation…""" text10080;"""Have it your way.""" text10081;"""Himitsu replied as if answering a blackboard, and left.""" text10082;"""At least she wasn't trying to deny it, like \""Niko-kun, how could you think that, I would never\""…""" text10083;"""Whether or not she admitted her guilt was another matter.""" text10084;"""You can always acknowledge your guilt and still believe that you're not really guilty! I definitely could.""" text10085;"""Maybe I shouldn't have told her everything I knew — revealed the last aces up my sleeve…""" text10086;"""But how much longer could I have tolerated her tricks?""" text10087;"""And — imagine! — even after everything that happened she still believed she was right!""" text10088;"""Somebody rang the doorbell.""" text10089;"""I doubted Himitsu had forgotten something…""" text10090;"""Luckily, it was Catherine, not her.""" text10091;"""You sure know how to choose the right moment.""" text10092;"""She was wearing casual clothes, not our school uniform.""" text10093;"""Skipping class?""" text10094;"""Can I come in? I don't want Himitsu to see me.""" text10095;"""We walked into the kitchen.""" text10096;"""So you were watching the house?""" text10097;"""You could say that.""" text10098;"""Katya smiled and looked around warily.""" text10099;"""Don't worry, I'm not hiding her under the bed!""" text10100;"""Good to hear.""" text10101;"""It was just a joke…""" text10102;"""No, really. I'm glad you've realized what she's like.""" text10103;"""I had help…""" text10104;"""I had told Himitsu everything, so what was the point of hiding it from Katya?""" text10105;"""Her father works for Japanese intelligence, and Himitsu may be helping him spy on me.""" text10106;"""Catherine didn't look particularly surprised.""" text10107;"""Y-you knew…?""" text10108;"""Wait, don't start accusing me of every mortal sin again!""" text10109;"""Imagine how you would've reacted a couple days ago if I'd said your precious… if Himitsu was spying on you?""" text10110;"""There was a lot of truth to her words.""" text10111;"""What else haven't you told me?""" text10112;"""Nick, that's all, I swear! That's all I know!""" text10113;"""Catherine pleaded.""" text10114;"""I just couldn't find the courage… At worst, you would've stopped talking to me for good.""" text10115;"""I'm glad you value talking to me so highly.""" text10116;"""She made a displeased grimace.""" text10117;"""How long have you known?""" text10118;"""Just a couple of days, if that.""" text10119;"""Interesting that your mom told you everything at such a, so to speak, proper moment.""" text10120;"""What makes it proper?""" text10121;"""Well, I don't even know…""" text10122;"""I drawled meaningfully, although I really didn't know.""" text10123;"""One thing was obvious: Mrs Winters wasn't trying to ruin my relationship with her daughter.""" text10124;"""By telling her about Himitsu, she was theoretically even strengthening it.""" text10125;"""I wondered if Catherine realized as much.""" text10126;"""And what was the logic behind her mother's actions?""" text10127;"""I just can't figure out one thing…""" text10128;"""Only one?""" text10129;"""I can't figure out what your mother is trying to achieve. In general, not only now.""" text10130;"""You won't. I haven't managed to in eighteen years.""" text10131;"""No, that's not what I mean. What does she need from me?""" text10132;"""Just, look at the situation from my perspective: first I get kidnapped, then interrogated, and then we have a nice chat at your place! And remember, she doesn't even demand anything from me!""" text10133;"""Nothing in particular, I mean, beyond some broad terms. Under different circumstances, I would've thought she was worried about me!""" text10134;"""I doubt mom actually worries about anything but her work.""" text10135;"""Catherine said with a sad smirk.""" text10136;"""She was sincere, there wasn't a shadow of falsehood on her face, and her voice sounded confident and even passionate.""" text10137;"""If I couldn't trust her now, what point was there to living at all?""" text10138;"""You know, I haven't told you everything.""" text10139;"""Catherine raised her eyebrows and looked at me, puzzled.""" text10140;"""Your mother and Japanese intelligence aren't the only ones interested in me — the KGB has been involved, too. I've had a few not-quite-pleasant interactions with them.""" text10141;"""And everyone needs some information from me, my father's documents… As if I was his assistant!""" text10142;"""It's hard to be the child of important parents.""" text10143;"""She smiled — and there was so much understanding and melancholy in that smile that I felt a shiver of tenderness run down my spine.""" text10144;"""Katya, I…""" text10145;"""But Catherine immediately stepped back.""" text10146;"""It was quite awkward yesterday. Again. Wanna take a walk if you have no other plans? I'd love to hear more about the KGB.""" text10147;"""I bet your mom would love to hear about them too!""" text10148;"""No doubt.""" text10149;"""…""" text10150;"""Some time later, we found ourselves at the park gate.""" text10151;"""Were you heading here on purpose?""" text10152;"""Maybe, maybe…""" text10153;"""She replied wistfully.""" text10154;"""…""" text10155;"""My mom can be many things — heartless or even cruel — but, at least, she is painfully consistent in her words and actions.""" text10156;"""Which means she's actually confident that you know, or have, something that she needs.""" text10157;"""Well that's not reassuring!""" text10158;"""But it also proves that she sees no threat to your life at the moment.""" text10159;"""Why?""" text10160;"""Because otherwise she would've forbidden me from meeting with you.""" text10161;"""But that didn't quite work with what Catherine had told me before.""" text10162;"""Maybe she just wanted to believe that her mother put her safety first?""" text10163;"""Good if that was the case, but I had my reasons to doubt it.""" text10164;"""I'm surprised you're reacting to this stuff so calmly!""" text10165;"""I got used to it.""" text10166;"""But you didn't used to know your mother works for the CIA!""" text10167;"""I didn't, but I could guess that she wasn't telling me everything.""" text10168;"""I can't even imagine how…""" text10169;"""Our gazebo appeared in sight.""" text10170;"""We exchanged looks and immediately grew embarrassed, looking away simultaneously.""" text10171;"""The park seemed to have changed a lot in just a week, or, maybe, it felt that way because I was with Catherine and not Himitsu.""" text10172;"""The world around us froze: there wasn't a single blow or rustle, even the rare clouds passing in the sky were doing so carefully, as if apologizing for disturbing someone's peace.""" text10173;"""When we walked up onto the bridge, I looked down and saw my reflection as if in a mirror.""" text10174;"""It was clear, untouched by ripples of water or the glare of the sun.""" text10175;"""Catherine's face appeared next to mine, focused and pensive.""" text10176;"""I guess this park is one of the few places I really missed.""" text10177;"""Hm, almost never visited since…""" text10178;"""Sure you didn't!""" text10179;"""Apparently she remembered our meeting with Himitsu.""" text10180;"""I did say almost!""" text10181;"""It must have been hard for you, huh? These places… they bring back so many memories.""" text10182;"""I was looking into Catherine's beautiful face and couldn't see even a trace of sarcasm.""" text10183;"""This gazebo and these benches… they really were dragging me into the whirlpool of memories.""" text10184;"""My life had turned into a fairy tale.""" text10185;"""A permanent girlfriend, regular sex, and love. But why in that order?""" text10186;"""I didn't know what was wrong in our relationship, but, at some point, I very clearly started to feel bored.""" text10187;"""Day passed after day, and even the physical intimacy — although it still brought pleasure — became routine.""" text10188;"""We were at school together, walked home together, spent time until the night, and, sometimes spent nights together.""" text10189;"""Just to go to school together the next morning and repeat the same daily ritual, necessary to confirm our status of being \""in a relationship\"".""" text10190;"""After a while, even Kyosuke stopped reacting as intensely.""" text10191;"""Although Catherine never gave much of a reason in the first place. Almost never.""" text10192;"""As for me, our relationship became something like food, sleep, or even air — you never think of the importance of these things until they're taken away.""" text10193;"""Or like health.""" text10194;"""A healthy person takes the ability to run a few kilometres or do twenty push-ups for granted.""" text10195;"""Or just the ability to walk down a street at a reasonable speed.""" text10196;"""At the same time, a disabled person watches them and envies the fact that they have both legs and both arms.""" text10197;"""I didn't know how other people approached relationships.""" text10198;"""Books say that they must be worked on daily and hourly. That nothing comes without effort.""" text10199;"""Maybe the whole idea is that it's a kind of living, conscious being, not a soulless reward for finishing a quest — rescuing the princess.""" text10200;"""In games, you get a kiss and the credits, accompanied by pleasant music, but nobody tells you what happens next.""" text10201;"""\""They lived happily ever after\"". How long does this \""ever after\"" last?""" text10202;"""How much time do you need for that beloved person to turn into a simple acquaintance, an acquaintance you just have to talk to more than others, and also sleep with, take care of the house with, and so on and so forth?""" text10203;"""Does it happen naturally or simply because one of the two stops working on their relationship?""" text10204;"""This approach always rubbed me the wrong way — the perception of something highly spiritual as a line in a CV.""" text10205;"""You can spend months in a gym and get some muscles; dedicate your entire life to studying and become smarter; even go to the army and pull off some military feat…""" text10206;"""But to win the love of the girl you're ready to do anything for — that is worth more than just sacrificing your life!""" text10207;"""To unite two lives as one, to fulfill a prophecy made in heaven!""" text10208;"""Isn't that alone enough to be together forever and ever?""" text10209;"""Why would you need to pay attention to little things?!""" text10210;"""Catherine did.""" text10211;"""Our first year in high school was coming to its end.""" text10212;"""Not that I got tired or bored of her, but I definitely missed that overwhelming emotion I'd felt at the start of our relationship, that infatuation and unrestrained desire.""" text10213;"""We were sitting in the gazebo where Catherine liked to hide from the rest of the world.""" text10214;"""Sometimes, it seemed to me that she was rather hiding us than herself.""" text10215;"""But I worried as little about it as about the question of what I was going to eat for dinner that night.""" text10216;"""It was a little frustrating — but whatever!""" text10217;"""It couldn't be that I'd have nothing to eat for dinner!""" text10218;"""Katya was looking at the water's surface with a bored look.""" text10219;"""So then…""" text10220;"""I was telling her something about school — but she seemed to show so little interest it would have been stupid to continue.""" text10221;"""If you don't want to listen, you should've just told me! What am I laying myself out for?""" text10222;"""If I did, would it change anything?""" text10223;"""Not a single muscle twitched on her beautiful face.""" text10224;"""Do we come here every day just to sit and say nothing?""" text10225;"""I got wound up.""" text10226;"""If you don't like the topic, let's talk about something else!""" text10227;"""I'm fine with silence.""" text10228;"""At that moment, Catherine seemed as cold and distant as the first day we met.""" text10229;"""How long ago had she become like this again, I wondered.""" text10230;"""What if I just hadn't noticed, drowning in my illusions of all-victorious love?""" text10231;"""I can't understand what I'm doing wrong if you don't tell me!""" text10232;"""You're not doing anything wrong.""" text10233;"""She waved her hand absently and tried to smile.""" text10234;"""Would you notice if I disappeared tomorrow?""" text10235;"""The weak smile vanished, hidden by the serious expression of her focused eyes.""" text10236;"""What are you talking about?! Did something happen?""" text10237;"""I immediately grew anxious.""" text10238;"""What do you think?""" text10239;"""I don't know… You always say nothing and never answer my questions!""" text10240;"""Come on, what a tragedy!""" text10241;"""She suddenly laughed.""" text10242;"""You should've seen your face! It's like someone really told you I died!""" text10243;"""You know what! These jokes of yours!""" text10244;"""Would you really be upset?""" text10245;"""Katya whispered and huddled up to me.""" text10246;"""I was surprised and didn't react right away — when I hugged Catherine, she was trembling.""" text10247;"""Hey, what happened?""" text10248;"""Do you ever feel like today's the last day of your life?""" text10249;"""Nope, never, same as any normal person.""" text10250;"""Normal person…""" text10251;"""Catherine smirked sadly.""" text10252;"""I couldn't get rid of the feeling that she desperately wanted to tell me something, but was afraid or just couldn't find the right words.""" text10253;"""I really wanted to know what it was!""" text10254;"""But all my questions were shattered against the cold wall of indifference.""" text10255;"""Or rather, the feeling that I could read in her eyes and all her gestures and words.""" text10256;"""As if she was treating me with silent reproach — and just as I'd begun to forget about it and live normally, all her unspoken rebukes rained down on me again.""" text10257;"""Katya, please, don't scare me like that! You can't keep it all inside! It's bad for your health!""" text10258;"""So you want me to tell you everything? Like Himitsu…""" text10259;"""What does Himitsu have to do with anything…""" text10260;"""She will stay with you when I'm not around anymore.""" text10261;"""Here you go again! Do you have terminal cancer or something? Now that's a twist!""" text10262;"""Sarcasm doesn't suit you…""" text10263;"""Even if it suits you, it doesn't mean that you should always… Especially with people close to you.""" text10264;"""Catherine pressed herself even closer to me.""" text10265;"""I could feel that something was happening, and somewhere deep inside I understood that a lot of things would change in our life soon — it just couldn't not change.""" text10266;"""However, deep in the embrace of the girl I loved, I quickly forgot about all my worries and anxiety.""" text10267;"""That night was our last moment of intimacy — and how could I not have guessed from her coldness and distance she would leave me forever the next morning!""" text10268;"""Are you crying?""" text10269;"""Huh?!""" text10270;"""I came back from the past and looked at Catherine as if I'd just woken up — almost two years had passed but she didn't change a bit.""" text10271;"""Only in her eyes, I could see new hardness — an echo of the calculating cruelty of Mrs Winters.""" text10272;"""I wiped my eyes, but they were dry.""" text10273;"""Katya laughed:""" text10274;"""You had such a look! I couldn't resist.""" text10275;"""Can I count that as sarcasm?""" text10276;"""The most cynical kind…""" text10277;"""I didn't let her finish, grabbed her by the shoulders, and kissed her.""" text10278;"""Catherine's eyes, open wide in surprise, were looking right into my soul.""" text10279;"""I could see a mix of surprise, some annoyance, and confusion.""" text10280;"""But then Katya relaxed a bit, cute wrinkles appeared in the corners of her eyes, and she responded to the kiss.""" text10281;"""Perhaps there was less intimacy and passion to it than there could've been — it more resembled the third kiss of Japanese students just starting to date.""" text10282;"""But to me, it meant more than the sex we'd had a couple days ago.""" text10283;"""It was our first real kiss after our time apart.""" text10284;"""A kiss that was not an addition to physical lust, but one filled with pure love.""" text10285;"""Finally, I drew myself away from Catherine.""" text10286;"""I was just remembering the last time we were sitting in this gazebo. Well, back then…""" text10287;"""She still looked a bit embarrassed.""" text10288;"""You have good memory.""" text10289;"""Sometimes I wish it was worse.""" text10290;"""So what was I doing then?""" text10291;"""Nothing, just sitting here.""" text10292;"""What were we talking about?""" text10293;"""About how we might not see each other anymore.""" text10294;"""Is that so?""" text10295;"""Catherine first lowered her eyes, as if apologizing, then looked at the pond again.""" text10296;"""Did you already know back then that you were about to leave?""" text10297;"""She didn't reply right away.""" text10298;"""I guess I did.""" text10299;"""I immediately felt the urge to bombard her with questions!""" text10300;"""How, why, what for!""" text10301;"""I wanted to say so much, make her understand what I was feeling.""" text10302;"""Thoughts were running into each other in my head, creating an ugly crowd.""" text10303;"""Each of them was claiming its right to be expressed before the others, but I remained silent, and, in the end, they became a swarm of senseless words.""" text10304;"""I, you, knew, waited, loved, why, how, could, you, just, say, we, would…""" text10305;"""All of this didn't matter anymore.""" text10306;"""Katya, I still love you. And I always have. If that's how everything turned out back then, I'm sure you had your reasons.""" text10307;"""…""" text10308;"""And if you don't want to tell me, I'm not going to insist.""" text10309;"""Nick, I…""" text10310;"""She livened up and even seemed to jump up a bit, turning her head to me abruptly, her beautiful long hair going all over the place.""" text10311;"""For a moment, a hope appeared in her eyes but immediately died down, Catherine's expression grew grim again and she continued in a calmer tone:""" text10312;"""You would never forgive me if you knew the whole truth.""" text10313;"""I really know nothing, but I have nothing to forgive you for!""" text10314;"""I took her hand.""" text10315;"""Besides… I only bring you problems. My mom…""" text10316;"""Quiet!""" text10317;"""I put my finger to my lips and quickly looked around.""" text10318;"""What is it?""" text10319;"""Catherine looked alert.""" text10320;"""Nothing, I just lost my Katya somewhere! She doesn't normally act like this.""" text10321;"""How does she act?""" text10322;"""At the very least she doesn't apologize all the time.""" text10323;"""I couldn't help but notice the changes in Catherine's behavior.""" text10324;"""In the beginning, she thought even talking to me was below her.""" text10325;"""What had affected her so much?""" text10326;"""Is it about your mother? If so, I don't care! You can't choose your parents!""" text10327;"""Nice words. At least so long as everything goes relatively fine. And what if it doesn't? If she…""" text10328;"""Nick, our life isn't comprised of just our feelings!""" text10329;"""You love me, I love you — what next? We can't forget about others and ignore what's happening around us!""" text10330;"""Then let's run away!""" text10331;"""Run away?""" text10332;"""She laughed, and there was contempt in that laughter.""" text10333;"""Where? And how? It all only sounds good in dreams. Sweet and romantic, I agree. But it has very little to do with reality.""" text10334;"""I'm scared for you… for us. I'm scared that you might get hurt because of me.""" text10335;"""So that's what it is! Is that why you were trying to push me away?""" text10336;"""No.""" text10337;"""She quickly looked away, as if caught lying.""" text10338;"""Not just that. It's because I'm guilty…""" text10339;"""But I was already wound up and didn't let her finish.""" text10340;"""Okay, but did you think to ask me? Whether I needed to be protected?""" text10341;"""Are you going to save a village from cholera by drying up its river?""" text10342;"""Your metaphors again…""" text10343;"""I just want to say that you can't sacrifice something important to save something that seems necessary.""" text10344;"""Why would I need a life like that — a life without you?!""" text10345;"""Especially now, when…""" text10346;"""I was saying it all in one breath, but looking at the Catherine's changing face, I finally grew embarrassed.""" text10347;"""Now she looked just like a girl who had been confessed to for the first time in her life.""" text10348;"""It's true! Everything I say and everything I feel!""" text10349;"""It may sound naïve, stupid and childish! Whatever! I don't care!""" text10350;"""After all, who has the right to judge me if I swore to love, wait, and believe?!""" text10351;"""And I've always wanted to only be with you, even if I didn't realize it before…""" text10352;"""Is it a crime to love one person and love her until the end, no matter what?!""" text10353;"""Catherine was listening to me silently, the surprise on her face slowly giving way to happiness.""" text10354;"""You are such a child!""" text10355;"""She finally laughed and jumped to her feet.""" text10356;"""Well, since you've decided it yourself, this time you will have to take full responsibility!""" text10357;"""Aye-aye, ma'am!""" text10358;"""Except I had no idea what to do next and how to stay alive.""" text10359;"""Well, maybe with a bit of your help…""" text10360;"""Sure, no getting around that!""" text10361;"""You're too good at sweet talking women. Both now and then.""" text10362;"""I'm not doing it on purpose…""" text10363;"""Doesn't matter! On the other hand, if I didn't want to hear it, there wouldn't be any point in you talking.""" text10364;"""So…""" text10365;"""I was afraid to ask her straight.""" text10366;"""So that's enough talking about this for today. Let's go to your place, I'll cook something. We'll eat and watch TV.""" text10367;"""I want something simple, a break from all this trouble!""" text10368;"""Yes, sure!""" text10369;"""I felt unprecedented elation.""" text10370;"""We were walking through the park, and Catherine took me by the hand. On her own accord.""" text10371;"""She was smiling.""" text10372;"""You don't usually feel the loss of something immaterial immediately.""" text10373;"""It's easy to notice the disappearance of your wallet, keys, umbrella, or your life savings if they've been eaten up by inflation.""" text10374;"""It's much harder to catch the moment when love goes away.""" text10375;"""You live together for a dozen years, raise kids — and neither of you wakes up in the morning with the strong feeling of not loving the other person anymore.""" text10376;"""The understanding comes accidentally — when you're cutting vegetables in the kitchen, checking your car engine, or reading a book.""" text10377;"""You turn another page, and a simple and mundane thought appears in your head — the love is gone, its flowers withered… And even the garden is old and full of weeds.""" text10378;"""But don't we gain new feelings the same way?""" text10379;"""Of course, love at first sight also exists, but that wasn't my case…""" text10380;"""I was holding Catherine's hand in mine, trying to not to squeeze it too tightly, but still afraid to let go.""" text10381;"""Could I think that we loved each other again?""" text10382;"""I guess I never stopped loving her, but what did Catherine herself think?""" text10383;"""We were taking the long way, as if trying to stay in public a bit longer.""" text10384;"""And if before Katya used to avoid showing affection openly, now…""" text10385;"""But night was descending on Tokyo, and walking down empty streets in darkness would be a stupid idea.""" text10386;"""We finally returned home, where, on the porch, Himitsu was waiting for us.""" text10387;"""Catherine immediately let go of my hand.""" text10388;"""I see you two were on a date… Why were though? Maybe there's still more to come? The nights are getting longer — more time for—""" text10389;"""What do you need?""" text10390;"""I interrupted her coldly.""" text10391;"""Just wanted to congratulate you like a good neighbor, Niko-kun. Since we aren't friends anymore…""" text10392;"""But you aren't about to move anywhere — so we're still neighbors!""" text10393;"""What exactly did you want to congratulate him for?""" text10394;"""Himitsu glared, but didn't respond to her, continuing to talk to me:""" text10395;"""Why move anywhere at all? You've got a good, spacious house here! Just the right fit for a big family!""" text10396;"""When can I congratulate the two of you on a little bundle of joy?""" text10397;"""I felt Catherine recoil, and I turned my head as she shrank into herself as if from the cold..""" text10398;"""And — don't even argue! — I want to be the godmother!""" text10399;"""Himitsu laughed, and that laughter seemed to resonate within me with a dull vibration, as if someone was punching my chest.""" text10400;"""A real pity that the first one didn't work out…""" text10401;"""She suddenly changed her tone to pretend condolences.""" text10402;"""Enough!""" text10403;"""Catherine exploded next to me.""" text10404;"""Everything has a limit! I understand if you want revenge! But what would it get you in the end? Have you thought about Nick?!""" text10405;"""Oh, revenge? What a harsh word! And such an important one too! No, why would I want revenge? Niko-kun let me know very clearly this morning that I'm nobody to him!""" text10406;"""I just want to tell the truth, so that both of you can go forth hand in hand, not hiding anything from each other!""" text10407;"""Quiet! Shut up! Nick, don't listen to her… Let's go!""" text10408;"""Catherine completely lost control of herself, grabbed me by the hand and tried to pull me away.""" text10409;"""I didn't move a bit — my intuition told me that Himitsu wasn't just trying to make me angry, but actually had something important to say.""" text10410;"""Nick, please!""" text10411;"""Katya begged.""" text10412;"""Her tearful eyes were filled with a plea so strong I even hesitated for a moment — was it really so important to hear what Himitsu had to say?""" text10413;"""So, before you two leave… I'm sure Catherine hasn't told you she's been pregnant once already?""" text10414;"""Katya's hand grew weak and hung limply in mine, she lowered her head and seemed to wilt.""" text10415;"""Oh, the child was yours of course — I'm not about to accuse her of something not true. Except…""" text10416;"""Himitsu's face distorted into an expression that all at once was a mix of fury, hatred, joy, and the spicy aftertaste of revenge taken that beings no relief.""" text10417;"""Except why don't I see him with you now?""" text10418;"""She looked at Catherine for the first time.""" text10419;"""Did you leave him in the US? Or…""" text10420;"""Oh, I'm obviously sticking my nose into other people's business! Perhaps precisely because it's none ofmy business anymore.""" text10421;"""She laughed and stood up from the porch.""" text10422;"""I think you two have something to discuss.""" text10423;"""Himitsu walked by, and it felt as if a wave of cold air surrounded her — I couldn't believe that was the same girl from the house across the road I'd known my entire life.""" text10424;"""Catherine remained quiet; I couldn't feel her presence at all, as if it was a mannequin next to me.""" text10425;"""That's some bullshit she came up with…""" text10426;"""I forced out, trying to turn it all into a joke.""" text10427;"""Catherine? Pregnant? But how? When?""" text10428;"""I couldn't even imagine something like that could have happen.""" text10429;"""Although, if I looked at the situation from a different angle…""" text10430;"""So it's true…?""" text10431;"""I asked in a stranger's voice.""" text10432;"""Catherine didn't respond.""" text10433;"""That's why you left then?""" text10434;"""And that letter? What was in it? I wondered at first why you were in such a hurry to take it away…""" text10435;"""And that letter? What was in it?""" text10436;"""Now I regretted not figuring out where it had disappeared to.""" text10437;"""Katya, please, say something…""" text10438;"""I could physically feel the panic taking over.""" text10439;"""From the very pit of my stomach, anxiety was rising, trying to burst to the surface, turning into a visceral, animal fear, a desire to run away and hide.""" text10440;"""But there was nowhere to run.""" text10441;"""A child…? Katya! Dammit, Catherine! Was there a child or not?!""" text10442;"""It was as if she really had turned into a wax statue.""" text10443;"""I shook her by the shoulders lightly.""" text10444;"""Don't touch me… Please…""" text10445;"""Tell me the truth!""" text10446;"""And then I realized I was shouting, swearing at her in a mix of Russian and English, baring my teeth and spitting saliva all over the place.""" text10447;"""That wasn't likely to help get an answer from her.""" text10448;"""Sorry…""" text10449;"""I tried to calm down and took a step back.""" text10450;"""You need to understand what I'm feeling… Even if it's true, I still love you…""" text10451;"""My voice sounded fake even to myself — there wasn't a single chance that Catherine would believe me.""" text10452;"""Although her silence was itself an answer. The answer that I wouldn't be able to bear.""" text10453;"""So it's true?""" text10454;"""I can't… now…""" text10455;"""Finally, Catherine muttered quietly and stumbled away from the yard like a drunkard.""" text10456;"""I followed her on autopilot, but after walking out on the street, I stopped and watched her back, until Katya disappeared in the twilight of Tokyo's night.""" text10457;"""…""" text10458;"""The empty, cold, and dark house greeted me with grave silence.""" text10459;"""I could still hear Himitsu's laughter in my head, her smirk flashing in front of my eyes, and I could feel myself burning.""" text10460;"""Probably a fever…""" text10461;"""Can you get ill because of too much nervous tension? Or die?""" text10462;"""The frozen picture of the kitchen in the night glitched, and I felt as if I was being sucked underground.""" text10463;"""I barely got to bed and fell onto it, not feeling the impact.""" text10464;"""If I died here and now, it would take some time to find the body…""" text10465;"""Himitsu wouldn't come anymore, and Catherine…""" text10466;"""Catherine…""" text10467;"""…"""