text9048;"""AAAAAAAAAH!""" text9049;"""My own scream woke me up.""" text9050;"""Was it… just a dream?!""" text9051;"""It felt like hadn't had nightmares in years.""" text9052;"""Or any dreams at all, for that matter.""" text9053;"""I was sitting in my bed, sweating and gasping intensely.""" text9054;"""Well, I had it coming.""" text9055;"""Even if it all had happened in reality, I would have deserved it.""" text9056;"""Himitsu seemed to not understand what had happened at first.""" text9057;"""And Catherine? She ran away, disgraced and humiliated.""" text9058;"""I didn't know which one of them made me feel more ashamed.""" text9059;"""I acted despicably and cowardly towards Himitsu, and as for Katya… What was that even?!""" text9060;"""Definitely not an attempt to bring everything back the way it used to be!""" text9061;"""Well, I most probably lost Himitsu forever.""" text9062;"""At least, no words or apologies could redeem me in her eyes.""" text9063;"""Even if she would forgive me in the end.""" text9064;"""She would not forget it, no, just pretend it was all behind us.""" text9065;"""And was I ready to forgive after everything I'd learned about her?""" text9066;"""Perhaps what happened happened for the best?""" text9067;"""If we didn't communicate, she wouldn't be able to spy on me…""" text9068;"""However, things were completely different in Catherine's case!""" text9069;"""After yesterday, she definitely couldn't claim she had no feelings for me!""" text9070;"""There was a chance that all of this was just a elaborate plan of revenge or that she was unable to figure herself out.""" text9071;"""Whatever!""" text9072;"""Love is better than hatred, but hatred is better than indifference.""" text9073;"""And, surely, any sort of indifference is better than the \""I don't care so much I can't shut up about it\"" attitude!""" text9074;"""And that's exactly what Catherine had been doing the entire week!""" text9075;"""At every opportunity, she let me know that her return to Japan had nothing to do with me, that she cared nothing for my feelings.""" text9076;"""Even yesterday's phony melodrama!""" text9077;"""By now, my emotions had cooled somewhat, and yesterday's events no longer appeared to be some tragic coincidence.""" text9078;"""She must've come to me with a goal in mind!""" text9079;"""Perhaps she wanted to explain how things really were, apologize or something like that?""" text9080;"""It was easier to believe that her main goal was sex than that!""" text9081;"""I arduously rolled off the bed and groaned.""" text9082;"""I didn't know how a marathon runner feels after winning the Olympics, but this was exactly the sensation of the morning after an alco-marathon.""" text9083;"""I wondered how many times Himitsu had found me like this, lying senselessly, like an animal, in various parts of my house…""" text9084;"""My parents' death hit me hard, but I started drinking regularly after Catherine and I broke up.""" text9085;"""At first I still attended school, pretending to be a normal person, but would get shitfaced every night.""" text9086;"""And then I fully realized the veracity of the saying \""If drinking stands in the way of your work…\""""" text9087;"""God, I don't know what would've become of me if not for Himitsu.""" text9088;"""She would come every day, cook (there was always a \""hangover\"" breakfast waiting for me on the table), and even wash my vomit-soaked clothes.""" text9089;"""At that time I didn't feel ashamed — a drunkard doesn't care much about morals, a heavy drunkard cares even less.""" text9090;"""Later on, I simply didn't want to recall what had been happening, including the way I'd been treating Himitsu.""" text9091;"""Of course, I was grateful to her, but this gratitude was sort of perfunctory, more like the relationship of a Japanese employee and his boss.""" text9092;"""I was really missing that hangover breakfast right about now…""" text9093;"""I managed to make something resembling scrambled eggs but couldn't force myself to eat it.""" text9094;"""Only water and aspirin didn't cause me to immediately gag.""" text9095;"""The autumn sun was still warm, but a light breeze had already started to blow in from outside.""" text9096;"""Sakura leaves would fall soon — and a new chapter of my life would start…""" text9097;"""I heard the sound of an approaching car.""" text9098;"""It turned out to be Himitsu's father.""" text9099;"""It would be better if he didn't see me in this condition.""" text9100;"""Would probably be best if he never saw me again!""" text9101;"""I was pointlessly staring out the window.""" text9102;"""Our street was always pretty quiet, but on Sundays it seemed to completely die off.""" text9103;"""Naturally polite, Japanese people usually tried not to disturb their neighbors anyway, but it appeared as if on Sundays they hid in their cellars.""" text9104;"""Which was a pity…""" text9105;"""A little hustle and bustle could help me right about now…""" text9106;"""…""" text9107;"""A girl was walking down the street.""" text9108;"""And it was Catherine!""" text9109;"""I jumped up from the chair and leaned on the window.""" text9110;"""Yes, it was her! Again…?""" text9111;"""However, Catherine didn't even spare my house a glance and entered Himitsu's yard.""" text9112;"""She rang the doorbell, and, after a few seconds, the mistress of the house appeared at the doorstep.""" text9113;"""Of course, I couldn't hear them from this distance, I couldn't even really see their faces.""" text9114;"""Just a minute later, both of them went inside.""" text9115;"""I was so shocked that even the ability to think straight took a while to come back.""" text9116;"""It was obvious that Catherine came to explain herself, what else could this be?""" text9117;"""And she clearly believed I didn't deserve the same treatment!""" text9118;"""However, it was understandable: Katya cared a lot about what others thought of her. Even in a situation like this!""" text9119;"""What if they were all in cahoots…?""" text9120;"""Himitsu's father watching my family, Himitsu watching me, Catherine also watching me.""" text9121;"""Everyone watching me…""" text9122;"""These thoughts made my head spin and I had to sit down.""" text9123;"""But she was only going to make things worse!""" text9124;"""I had no idea what they were talking about, what they could be talking about after what'd happened yesterday.""" text9125;"""I couldn't imagine Catherine apologizing.""" text9126;"""And proving something to Himitsu was simply beneath her dignity.""" text9127;"""The wait seemed painfully long.""" text9128;"""Were they having a tea party there while I was torturing myself?!""" text9129;"""Finally, Catherine left the house and the door closed behind her, but I never saw Himitsu.""" text9130;"""Katya appeared to be outwardly calm, as usual.""" text9131;"""Stumbling into walls, I ran to the hallway, put on my shoes, and rushed outside.""" text9132;"""Catherine walked the route to the city centre. Not very quickly, but not slowly either.""" text9133;"""I ran after her, doing my best to stay unnoticed.""" text9134;"""God, why was I doing this?""" text9135;"""Couldn't I just approach her and talk?""" text9136;"""And most importantly, what was my goal here?""" text9137;"""Trace her to her safe house and catch the entire US intelligence network red-handed?""" text9138;"""Unfortunately, decisions made once can be very hard to change on the go.""" text9139;"""…""" text9140;"""The hangover was making itself known — even walking was hard enough, not to mention pretending to be a spy…""" text9141;"""The bright sun was blinding me, making my head spin, and the running and agitation made me sweat like a pig.""" text9142;"""The decent Japanese passersby looked at me with surprise and apprehension.""" text9143;"""Odd behavior in public was not encouraged here.""" text9144;"""I mean odd to any extent — my chase would've looked stupid in any country in the world.""" text9145;"""However, Catherine didn't look back once and thus never saw me.""" text9146;"""…""" text9147;"""Soon we reached the city centre, and Katya slowed down.""" text9148;"""Why did she come to this place?""" text9149;"""We had our first kiss at the window of that electronics store.""" text9150;"""There were way more people on the street than my alcohol-poisoned vestibular system could handle. I felt dizzy, off-balance.""" text9151;"""At some point I lost sight of Catherine…""" text9152;"""And stopped immediately in order to avoid running into her.""" text9153;"""Well that was it! The logical outcome.""" text9154;"""You make for a bad detective.""" text9155;"""Her bored voice came from behind me.""" text9156;"""You… when did you figure out I was following you?""" text9157;"""I could smell your booze breath from a mile away!""" text9158;"""Katya said annoyedly.""" text9159;"""Then why all this?""" text9160;"""Why not?""" text9161;"""I assume you're not gonna tell me what you were doing at Himitsu's?""" text9162;"""Isn't it obvious?""" text9163;"""Catherine wasn't even trying to hide her irritation.""" text9164;"""Of course, she was entitled to her reaction, but aggression this blatant was a bit much.""" text9165;"""You could've stopped by my place too…""" text9166;"""Why would I?""" text9167;"""Because you raped me yesterday!""" text9168;"""Is that so?""" text9169;"""She laughed much louder than would be considered appropriate.""" text9170;"""People looked at us with suspicion, so Katya continued in a lower voice:""" text9171;"""Well, go write a police statement! Perhaps I'll get deported! Then your life will be just fantastic!""" text9172;"""I don't see anything funny here and no reason for sarcasm.""" text9173;"""Oh, why not?""" text9174;"""So you found it necessary to talk to Himitsu—""" text9175;"""That's none of your business!""" text9176;"""She immediately interrupted me and quickly walked away.""" text9177;"""The hangover was still obstructing my thought process, so I just followed her, trying to figure out how to continue our dialogue.""" text9178;"""Or if it was worth continuing…""" text9179;"""Maybe you should be deported!""" text9180;"""I said eventually.""" text9181;"""I'd be delighted.""" text9182;"""Catherine turned around and a weird, victorious, completely inappropriate smile appeared on her face.""" text9183;"""Is that really what you want?""" text9184;"""Have you ever wondered if I like spending my youth…""" text9185;"""She went quiet for a second, trying to find the right words, and then finished in a louder voice:""" text9186;"""…here!""" text9187;"""Indeed, we used to talk about this often.""" text9188;"""And I knew Japan wasn't Katya's dreamland…""" text9189;"""Sorry.""" text9190;"""Do you still think I wanted to return here?""" text9191;"""You could have told me from the beginning.""" text9192;"""I grumbled under my breath.""" text9193;"""No way! Why would I? You have such a wonderful life here! Your own house, a maid—""" text9194;"""You know what!""" text9195;"""I interrupted her abruptly.""" text9196;"""Don't drag…""" text9197;"""\""Himitsu into this\"" — I didn't have the time to finish.""" text9198;"""I didn't ask to be involved either! I'd just started to settle down in the States, make plans for the future…""" text9199;"""What college would accept me with a diploma like this?""" text9200;"""I understood her feelings but couldn't do anything with mine.""" text9201;"""Is that all you care about?""" text9202;"""For a couple of seconds, Catherine stared at me with surprise, then said:""" text9203;"""Fuck you!""" text9204;"""And quickly walked away.""" text9205;"""No you wait!""" text9206;"""I ran after her and grabbed her hand.""" text9207;"""Do you see what you've done to me… to us?""" text9208;"""What was that yesterday? Is this how you sublimate your problems?""" text9209;"""I don't think you know what that word means.""" text9210;"""Catherine looked unfazed, even though we were having a fight in the middle of the street.""" text9211;"""You know, this arrogance doesn't suit you at all.""" text9212;"""I said in a calmer tone, releasing her hand.""" text9213;"""You weren't like this before.""" text9214;"""Before…""" text9215;"""Katya bit her lip and turned away.""" text9216;"""Whose fault do you think that is?""" text9217;"""Well, not mine! People break up, it happens! But that doesn't make us enemies.""" text9218;"""It was unbelievably hard for me to say these words.""" text9219;"""You are so sure… You always think you know better than anyone else.""" text9220;"""If I don't know something, it's because you don't share it with me.""" text9221;"""I was surprised by my own composure.""" text9222;"""Do you think this is just about me?""" text9223;"""I don't know, Katya, I don't know! That's the problem.""" text9224;"""You called me that again.""" text9225;"""She smiled sadly, and I got flustered.""" text9226;"""It's second nature.""" text9227;"""Why don't you leave?""" text9228;"""She asked me in a tone that would suggest the preceding quarrel never happened.""" text9229;"""Excuse me?""" text9230;"""Back to the USSR.""" text9231;"""Well, it's obvious — I've lived here for most of my life.""" text9232;"""Even though you dislike a lot of things about this place.""" text9233;"""Do you like everything about the US?""" text9234;"""Would you go there with me?""" text9235;"""She stepped closer and smugly looked me in the eyes.""" text9236;"""Catherine, enough! Is this a continuation of yesterday?""" text9237;"""Relax, I'm joking.""" text9238;"""She stepped back immediately, returning to that same indifferent facial expression.""" text9239;"""Your jokes are quite… unusual these days.""" text9240;"""Even if they are — we're adults now.""" text9241;"""Does \""adult\"" equate to \""insensitive\"" in your mind?""" text9242;"""Well definitely not to \""rabid\""!""" text9243;"""So I'm rabid now?!""" text9244;"""Didn't you know?""" text9245;"""I had nothing to reply with and no desire to continue this conversation.""" text9246;"""Catherine simply stood there, looking at me expectantly.""" text9247;"""Was this really worth the farce, following me around?""" text9248;"""I felt my emotions begin to boil, and my words felt as if uttered by someone else, first in an angry whisper, then ever louder:""" text9249;"""We don't seen each other for a year and a half, then you come back, don't bother explaining yourself, then your mother kidnaps me…""" text9250;"""Then instead of having a normal talk, discussing it all, we fuck! And now you pretend like nothing happened.""" text9251;"""Am I the only one who thinks this isn't normal?!""" text9252;"""Let's ask the Japanese, shall we?! Excuse me…""" text9253;"""I roughly grabbed a person by the arm.""" text9254;"""Nikolai, calm down!""" text9255;"""Catherine said, scared.""" text9256;"""We were speaking English and thus weren't bothering people around us to a degree – who knew what these gaijin were freaking out about.""" text9257;"""But grabbing people by the arm in the middle of the day was probably too much.""" text9258;"""Calm down? Why the fuck would I?!""" text9259;"""Because you're embarrassing me!""" text9260;"""I don't give a shit!""" text9261;"""So you don't…""" text9262;"""Her eyes held so much anger and hatred, it scared me.""" text9263;"""Then have your fun alone!""" text9264;"""Catherine left me surrounded by confused Japanese people.""" text9265;"""We aren't done!""" text9266;"""I quickly came to my senses and chased after her.""" text9267;"""Stop shouting, would you please?!""" text9268;"""She abruptly went silent and frowned.""" text9269;"""Come!""" text9270;"""She pointed at a building entrance next to us.""" text9271;"""Unexpectedly, this turned out to be her house.""" text9272;"""Come where?""" text9273;"""To my place.""" text9274;"""Why?""" text9275;"""Just because, for fuck's sake! So you'll stop embarrassing both of us in public!""" text9276;"""Won't your mother mind?""" text9277;"""I asked sarcastically.""" text9278;"""She's at work.""" text9279;"""Katya responded calmly.""" text9280;"""Is that so…?""" text9281;"""I drawled.""" text9282;"""Oh my God, let's go already! You can overthink it later.""" text9283;"""I unwillingly trusted Catherine — standards of decency meant much to her, too much for my liking.""" text9284;"""I wasn't going to calm down though, I just couldn't.""" text9285;"""Fine, if you say so…""" text9286;"""Katya inserted the key into the keyhole and froze for a moment.""" text9287;"""Something wrong?""" text9288;"""I don't know yet.""" text9289;"""You'll tell me when you do, right?""" text9290;"""Catherine opened the door and turned to me, a strange indecisiveness in her eyes.""" text9291;"""I don't want to come off as tactless but…. Are we going to just stand here?""" text9292;"""She showed zero reaction to my joke either.""" text9293;"""Catherine?""" text9294;"""Came a familiar voice from inside the apartment.""" text9295;"""I had no idea she was home!""" text9296;"""Katya pleaded in a whisper.""" text9297;"""It's alright… Let's go.""" text9298;"""Determined, I crossed the threshold.""" text9299;"""Whether it was an accident or not, Catherine wasn't lying to me now.""" text9300;"""Oh, what a pleasant surprise!""" text9301;"""We entered the living room, and soon as Mrs Winters noticed me, she threw aside the Time magazine she was reading (there was something about selling America on its cover), stood up, and smiled.""" text9302;"""If I didn't know what kind of person she really was, if that interrogation had never happened, would I have believed this smile?""" text9303;"""Feels like we haven't seen each other for an eternity! Well done bringing Nikolai here, Catherine!""" text9304;"""Mom… aren't you supposed to be at work?""" text9305;"""Lucky me for finding a spare minute!""" text9306;"""I couldn't understand what this farce was for.""" text9307;"""Katya knew what had happened because I told her.""" text9308;"""I knew because I was there myself.""" text9309;"""Mrs Winters knew… knew enough not to continue this stupid performance.""" text9310;"""Dear, please make us some tea. You don't like coffee, Nikolai, do you?""" text9311;"""I… no….""" text9312;"""Would a normal person remember such a trifling detail?""" text9313;"""Nevertheless, she was the one who was setting the rules.""" text9314;"""As disgusted as I was, I couldn't just tell her everything that was on my mind.""" text9315;"""Especially with Catherine around!""" text9316;"""When the door to the kitchen closed, Mrs Winters graciously sat down on the sofa, crossed her legs, and invited me to sit next to her with a gesture.""" text9317;"""I'd rather stand.""" text9318;"""Do you want Catherine to hear everything?""" text9319;"""I didn't think you kept secrets from your own daughter.""" text9320;"""She squinted and gave me an appraising look.""" text9321;"""Anyway, I wasn't really going to argue with her — just wanted to preserve a shred of dignity — and sat on the edge of the sofa, as far from her as I could.""" text9322;"""Why does it seem to me that it isn't a coincidence that you're at home right now?""" text9323;"""I've already told you not to believe in coincidences.""" text9324;"""So what do you need from me? What was the kidnapping and interrogation for…? Why this conversation?""" text9325;"""Really, she wasn't demanding anything in particular from me — unlike Irina.""" text9326;"""At that moment (and the day after), I wasn't in the right condition to analyze everything that had happened calmly, but now…""" text9327;"""Now it seemed strange to me.""" text9328;"""I just want to help you.""" text9329;"""And once again she flashed that devilish smile that hid her true intentions.""" text9330;"""I didn't know what Sheryl Winters was up to, what she had prepared for me and Katya…""" text9331;"""And that scared me even more!""" text9332;"""Did… Does Catherine know what you do besides diplomatic affairs?""" text9333;"""Oh, I think she does now — you've told her, haven't you?""" text9334;"""You know what I'm talking about.""" text9335;"""Well, let me think…""" text9336;"""She moved closer to me and leaned down so I could clearly see the inside of her blouse.""" text9337;"""That was a completely unnecessary maneuver, Sheryl-san, your daughter's breasts were more than enough for me yesterday!""" text9338;"""Wait! What kind of nonsense I was thinking about!""" text9339;"""She continued in a half-whisper:""" text9340;"""What kind of mother would I be, if put the life of my own daughter in danger?""" text9341;"""So, associating with me puts her life in danger? Or what? I don't understand you…""" text9342;"""Here's the tea.""" text9343;"""Catherine slowly walked into the room with a tray in her hands, while Mrs Winters prudently moved away from me.""" text9344;"""Oh, it's so late already! I need to hurry! Have fun!""" text9345;"""Mom…""" text9346;"""…""" text9347;"""What were you talking about?""" text9348;"""The tea was getting cold on the table, and an uncomfortable silence hung in the air.""" text9349;"""If I were to tell her now that I believed her, that I believed that she didn't know…""" text9350;"""If I were to say that right after I had talked to her mother…""" text9351;"""I would thus acknowledge that I didn't, for a second, trust her own words.""" text9352;"""I don't understand what she wants from me! She could at least try to make herself clear!""" text9353;"""I mean, I really have no idea, none!""" text9354;"""Catherine lowered her head and looked away.""" text9355;"""I'm sorry it turned out this way.""" text9356;"""You couldn't know…""" text9357;"""And still. As soon as I start thinking for a minute that I'm in control of my life…""" text9358;"""What would I feel like with a mother like hers?""" text9359;"""What kind of mother would I be if put the life of my own daughter in danger?""" text9360;"""Is safety a necessary attribute of freedom?""" text9361;"""To some extent, a prison is a very safe place.""" text9362;"""Sheryl Winters had been carrying her daughter around like a suitcase for her entire life, but what about Catherine's own feelings?""" text9363;"""You make friends, fall in love, and yet can't be sure tomorrow you won't be taken to the other end of the world…""" text9364;"""Katya, I'm sorry…""" text9365;"""I sat next to her and hugged her.""" text9366;"""Could I consider us together again after what had happened yesterday?""" text9367;"""It's not your fault…""" text9368;"""I didn't feel any reciprocity, so I let go of her.""" text9369;"""I just want to say that I was thinking only about myself and my own problems and didn't understand how you felt.""" text9370;"""Good to hear that.""" text9371;"""She looked at me and gave me a slight smile.""" text9372;"""I'd like to do something and help somehow, but… I don't know what I can do here. And, to be honest… I'm not in a position to say something like that.""" text9373;"""Thank you for the kind words, at least.""" text9374;"""Katya…""" text9375;"""I was about to kiss her, but Catherine quickly jumped off the sofa.""" text9376;"""You'd better talk with Himitsu and clear things up.""" text9377;"""Clear up… what, exactly?""" text9378;"""Although I knew what she was trying to say.""" text9379;"""But why Himitsu?! Why now of all times?!""" text9380;"""I don't want to talk about her.""" text9381;"""And that was the truth!""" text9382;"""And if I tell you what I was doing at her place this morning?""" text9383;"""I don't care.""" text9384;"""Naturally I did care, but I simply couldn't allow myself to be blackmailed like that.""" text9385;"""If you really didn't, we wouldn't be having this conversation.""" text9386;"""Catherine turned away and then, apparently, noticed the tray, picked it up, and walked to the kitchen.""" text9387;"""So should I think that nothing's changed in our relationship? Even… even after what happened yesterday?""" text9388;"""She froze in the doorway but didn't turn to me.""" text9389;"""Are all changes for the better?""" text9390;"""The conversation was over — Catherine started washing the dishes and it was time for me to leave.""" text9391;"""There was still Himitsu…""" text9392;"""If I weren't killed today or tomorrow…""" text9393;"""If I were to live in this house, this city, this country…""" text9394;"""I would have to interact with her somehow!""" text9395;"""What a cold, emotionless word — interact!""" text9396;"""It sounded like a report about testing Zyklon B: \""The gas interacted with the subjects' respiratory systems\""!""" text9397;"""But I just couldn't imagine Himitsu in a Gruppenfuhrer uniform, issuing the command to release the gas…""" text9398;"""However, I didn't know how to look her in the eyes after what I had heard from her father… after what she saw yesterday.""" text9399;"""I still felt ashamed — you can't change your attitude towards the person who's been the closest to you for the past ten years overnight!""" text9400;"""I was pointlessly wandering around, as the sun slowly neared the horizon, wrapping itself in rare fleecy clouds.""" text9401;"""The skyscrapers of glass and concrete were highlighted like huge candles, bringing their shine to the sky.""" text9402;"""Turbulent streams of cars spilled onto the avenue in the evening rush hour, beeping, overtaking each other, and trying to win at least a couple extra meters to get to a higher position in the endless traffic jam.""" text9403;"""I sat on a bench and started looking at this pointless race: Sisyphus against the stone.""" text9404;"""Why hurry to get to the top, if you'll just have to start everything over again?""" text9405;"""Somebody sat next to me and unfolded a huge newspaper.""" text9406;"""I wasn't even particularly surprised when I realized it was Irina.""" text9407;"""Anything interesting to read?""" text9408;"""She didn't turn to me or react in any way at all, but some time later replied, not very loudly or quietly, as if talking to herself:""" text9409;"""Don't look at me.""" text9410;"""You mean someone's watching us?""" text9411;"""I mean that caution never goes amiss!""" text9412;"""Why not just come to my house then?""" text9413;"""Ask your American girlfriend!""" text9414;"""Is that what you want to talk about?""" text9415;"""Stop playing dumb, Nikolai!""" text9416;"""I heard the soft rustle of paper.""" text9417;"""You've been told to behave normally, to not stand out, do nothing and not stick your nose where it's not supposed to be!""" text9418;"""What did I do exactly?! Can't I just visit a classmate?!""" text9419;"""I don't know what kind of business you're having with Ito's daughter — after all, it's none of ours. But the CIA—""" text9420;"""Do you really think…""" text9421;"""I interrupted her.""" text9422;"""That I am some sort of goddamn spy?! That I'm working with both the Japanese and the Americans, know everything about my parents' work, and have some secret documents somewhere?""" text9423;"""Do I look look like that person?!""" text9424;"""I wasn't shouting, but my voice was clearly louder than she wanted.""" text9425;"""No, you don't.""" text9426;"""Irina finally responded, gritting her teeth.""" text9427;"""Still, the facts are clear: CIA agents took you in the middle of the day and didn't even pay a second thought neither to us nor — what is even weirder — the Japanese.""" text9428;"""This could possibly mean only one thing — they really needed something from you!""" text9429;"""I smirked.""" text9430;"""If only she knew what Catherine's mother had really told me.""" text9431;"""Or, well, if only she knew that she hadn't told me anything.""" text9432;"""Maybe that was the plan — to frame me in the eyes of the KGB?""" text9433;"""Two pieces of the puzzle seemed to connect, showing me the overall shape of the building's foundation.""" text9434;"""But the biggest issue was that this entire building was founded on the theory of my exceptional importance in the geopolitical affairs of great superpowers.""" text9435;"""And I couldn't believe that at all.""" text9436;"""What's so funny?""" text9437;"""Nothing. It just seems like you're taking me for some sort of James Bond!""" text9438;"""Whatever the case, we don't know what you talked about. And we have no reason to trust you at this stage, even if you wanted to tell us.""" text9439;"""Then why are you here?""" text9440;"""Irina carefully folded the newspaper and looked at me for the first time.""" text9441;"""In the rays of the setting sun, her wheat-coloured hair seemed to have come alive — making me imagine a boundless field somewhere on the sight of the Volga river.""" text9442;"""I got embarrassed and looked away.""" text9443;"""She was beautiful, but something about her was giving away impulsiveness and juvenile radicalism, the desire — but not always the capability — to serve and be acknowledged, the negligence of the little things.""" text9444;"""Irina could make mistakes — while waving her sharp scythe and dropping crops into neat stacks.""" text9445;"""Unlike Mrs Winters, she wouldn't be cutting each and every one of them at the root, examining them carefully, studying them, paying attention to the smallest details.""" text9446;"""To warn you again! You, Nikolai, are also involved in the Cold War. All there's left to do is pick a side.""" text9447;"""Fiery speeches from Soviet propaganda were hardly able to impress me.""" text9448;"""She looked around and frowned.""" text9449;"""And, what's most important, I can't figure out why the hell it has to be you!""" text9450;"""She could do with less emotion, being a spy and all.""" text9451;"""No wonder the USSR wasn't exactly winning this Cold War.""" text9452;"""Even though you may be the most awkward candidate for the position.""" text9453;"""If only you knew how awkward it feels to me!""" text9454;"""A poor craftsman blames his tools…""" text9455;"""So, do you believe that I have nothing to do with your spy games?""" text9456;"""Suddenly, Irina smiled, which made me uncomfortable — today she was much friendlier than last time — and it was frightening.""" text9457;"""If Mrs Winters resembled a hawk, hiding in an ambush and long waiting for its prey, Irina was more like a lion — a strong, powerful, but impulsive animal.""" text9458;"""And lions often play with or even caress their prey before they eat it.""" text9459;"""So what did you talk with the American about?""" text9460;"""Just as I thought, the friendly expression disappeared from her face in an instant.""" text9461;"""The same I did with you. My parents' work, some documents I've never seen in my life.""" text9462;"""Very strange.""" text9463;"""She paused.""" text9464;"""What exactly?""" text9465;"""That is, if you are telling me the truth.""" text9466;"""God…""" text9467;"""I sighed and threw my hands up.""" text9468;"""Alright…""" text9469;"""She smiled again, and that time the smile even seemed sincere.""" text9470;"""It's strange that the Americans are interested in the documents. It might mean that some information has indeed been leaked to the outside.""" text9471;"""And right into my hands, naturally!""" text9472;"""I replied sarcastically, but immediately felt the collar of my shirt become a bit too tight.""" text9473;"""If you really had those documents, they wouldn't have let you go so easily.""" text9474;"""Sounds logical…""" text9475;"""It suddenly appeared to me as if she felt sympathetic towards me to an extent, and was even trying to help in her own way.""" text9476;"""I'll be beyond myself when this all is over.""" text9477;"""I'd expect so… And for now! For now, Nikolai, you better lay low. Call the school and say you're sick. Buy enough food for a week or two. Stay at home, watch TV, read books.""" text9478;"""Nothing you can do if someone does come — open the door. But — remember! — don't say anything you're not supposed to say and don't do anything that might have consequences.""" text9479;"""Better yet, don't do or say anything at all!""" text9480;"""Can I at least ask who you want me to be hiding from?""" text9481;"""First and foremost — yourself! You can't just live your life peacefully, can you? Why did you need to go to Ito's village in the night?""" text9482;"""Why indeed.""" text9483;"""Sometimes I thought that it would be better if I knew nothing…""" text9484;"""The Americans need you for some reason. I don't know why, but it's clear they expect something from you. Some action.""" text9485;"""So, for your own sake, it would be better not to give them a reason to do anything. Do you really think the CIA cares about human lives?""" text9486;"""Something was telling me the KGB wasn't the Salvation Army either.""" text9487;"""So let us do our job for a week or two at least, and then…""" text9488;"""And then a soup with a cat!""" text9489;"""I'm glad that you haven't forgotten your motherland's culture.""" text9490;"""Can I ask you one… two questions before you leave?""" text9491;"""Go ahead — you've earned it.""" text9492;"""Himitsu… Ito's daughter — is she somehow involved?""" text9493;"""You mean if she works for Japanese intelligence?""" text9494;"""Irina smirked.""" text9495;"""She may be carrying out some orders of his, but I can't say for sure.""" text9496;"""What about Catherine Winters?""" text9497;"""Same thing. And, in any case, it's not them you should be afraid of!""" text9498;"""I understand…""" text9499;"""Well, if you do!""" text9500;"""She stood up, adjusted her skirt with a gesture that seemed absolutely childish to me, and bid me farewell:""" text9501;"""Don't worry about anything Nikolai, the Motherland is watching!""" text9502;"""That's what worries me the most…""" text9503;"""I muttered under my breath when Irina disappeared in the dense crowd of white collars hurrying to get home.""" text9504;"""What if I had actually made Himitsu into a \""paper tiger\""?""" text9505;"""What exactly did Ito say?""" text9506;"""That his daughter was handling the task well and that she knew more about my life than I did.""" text9507;"""What if he had just asked Himitsu to tell him how I was doing now and then, while I imagined her in the role of a cold-blooded spy.""" text9508;"""Could the girl I knew my entire life commit such a betrayal?""" text9509;"""But I couldn't find the strength to talk to her openly — I had too many secrets myself, I had lied to her too many times and brought her too much pain.""" text9510;"""Would she even talk to me after what she saw yesterday?""" text9511;"""I would've never thought that such a twist would happen in my life: I would lose Himitsu but get together with Catherine again.""" text9512;"""Together? Again?""" text9513;"""I smirked and raised my head.""" text9514;"""The autumn night spilled myriads of star beads along the cloth of the sky.""" text9515;"""I could still feel summer's warmth in the air — the earth hadn't cooled down completely yet and was giving its heat even when the sun had already set.""" text9516;"""In just a couple of weeks this hour would see winter-like cold.""" text9517;"""I was looking into the dark-blue arch of our world and imagining that it too held life, distant and incomprehensible.""" text9518;"""A falling star crossed the sky, burning in the atmosphere, and I made a wish: may everything be well in all of our lives.""" text9519;"""I often thought that by painting yourself as an ally of justice, you just run away from real problems.""" text9520;"""Waving your banner of good, you go headlong to your purpose, without fear or reproach.""" text9521;"""Without fear of failure: \""well, things didn't work out, but I did everything right\"".""" text9522;"""How often has the vague ideal of justice been used for evil?""" text9523;"""Are there any absolute values at all, those that are equally good for everyone?""" text9524;"""And, if yes, what is the absolute evil that opposes the absolute good?""" text9525;"""These extremes always scared me.""" text9526;"""An anthropomorphic devil with horns and hooves is laughable, but eternal bliss causes only fear — so alien it is to human nature.""" text9527;"""And if all of us are nothing more but a short stage of evolution of the Universe between the Big Bang and the new singularity, I would like to live my part of this stage as I was used to: being a human until the end.""" text9528;"""Therefore, I wished simple happiness for myself, Catherine, and Himitsu.""" text9529;"""I didn't know what would happen tomorrow or in a year, who I would be left with or if I would be alone…""" text9530;"""I just wanted some peace for all of us, I wanted to get back to two years ago when life was so much simpler.""" text9531;"""When Catherine and I were together, when my parents were alive, when Himitsu was just a childhood friend…""" text9532;"""I kicked a stone under my foot, and it flew like the ball after Maradona's free kick and hit the bumper of a truck parked on the side of the road.""" text9533;"""The alarm didn't go off (or maybe the old piece of junk didn't even have one), and I didn't have to run away.""" text9534;"""However, it made me come to my senses and get back to sinful earth.""" text9535;"""…""" text9536;"""The lights were on in Himitsu's house — it wasn't that late though, so I wasn't surprised.""" text9537;"""I stopped and just stared at her windows but didn't manage to see anything.""" text9538;"""My front door's creaking sounded like it was its last every time — I wondered for how much longer it would hold.""" text9539;"""The entire house appeared to be old, decrepit, but at the same time still alive.""" text9540;"""It was like an old man who was could barely move his legs but still kept the shine of youth in his eyes.""" text9541;"""My parents used to tell me that before us it housed the family of a corrupt government official.""" text9542;"""He was imprisoned, and his wife and kids had to sell all their property to pay the debts.""" text9543;"""Although I couldn't remember who had owned the house before them (or, perhaps, I never knew).""" text9544;"""When we were little, I liked to scare Himitsu by coming up with stories of seeing previous owners' ghosts in the dark.""" text9545;"""I was telling her that once an executioner and his family lived there, and one day he went mad and cut them all to pieces with his katana and then committed harakiri.""" text9546;"""It was quite a banal story, but it was more than enough for impressionable Himitsu — she would cry and complain about me to her parents.""" text9547;"""Despite the fact that in such a house there really could be ghosts, the scariest thing I ever saw were the shadows of the trees growing in the garden as they swung in the wind.""" text9548;"""And, perhaps, the creaking floors, walls, and ceilings: this house was so old that almost everything here was making weird sounds.""" text9549;"""Not everyone would like a dwelling infused with the auras of its many previous owners.""" text9550;"""The house was built in the Meiji era as far as I knew, so it could have had many.""" text9551;"""I often used to find many antique things in the attic and storerooms: ningyo, household items, old kokeshi, paper sheets with weirdly drawn hieroglyphs I didn't know, even a sinai that I then played with for long until I broke it.""" text9552;"""The world of childhood is immense — the simplest things become magical artifacts, and the smallest detail is enough for a child's imagination.""" text9553;"""However, soon my mom threw away almost all the old junk, replacing it with more functional and modern items.""" text9554;"""Comfort and functionality with a discount, without the moss-covered memories and dusty tatters of times past.""" text9555;"""Plastic instead of wood, TV instead of a bookshelf, an air conditioner instead of an ogi fan.""" text9556;"""And only the kotatsu managed to survive all the house's owners, giving warmth and taking nothing in return.""" text9557;"""In my room, there used to be only bare tatamis and closets with futons.""" text9558;"""Maybe it used to be a guest room?""" text9559;"""Maybe it served to organize sleeping places for a dozen men quickly and without much hassle — the Japanese of that time weren't very picky.""" text9560;"""I recalled Kagome saying that such a huge house was too big for one person.""" text9561;"""I often thought so myself, especially during the nights.""" text9562;"""Every item has a purpose, and whatever you do with it, it will try to fulfill it.""" text9563;"""If the house was built for a big family, and only big families lived there, it's natural that a lonely student would feel uncomfortable surrounded by all the empty space.""" text9564;"""Bedrooms without owners, a huge guest room that hadn't seen guests in ages, an abandoned garden and dusty corridors…""" text9565;"""If I stay alive after all this, I should think about finding a more suitable place for myself…"""